What I Want, Queer as Folk FanFic by Lane Carson

He reached out to balance himself against the sink as he tried to steady his eyes on the distorted reflection in the mirror in front of him. He'd been switching between different drinks all night and now he was feeling queasy and his vision was starting to get fuzzy. He groped for the faucets and ran the water until the temperature was just short of scalding. He'd been just about to burn himself when he felt the steam on his face. Justin was still bent over the sink and now he was looking between his right hand and the hot water. He could hear Brian moving around in the bedroom and he swallowed hard. He'd decided to make good on his offer. If nothing else, sex would help to get his mind off his troubles. Justin turned up the cold water and splashed his face before moving off into the bedroom.

Brian had shut off the new computer and the lights in the kitchen and he turned to face Justin as the other man came back into the bedroom. He watched as Justin walked towards him and tried to reach out for him. Justin's movements seemed even more unsteady than they had when he'd come in earlier but Brian thought that he still looked desperate. Brian let Justin close his arms around his waist and he reached up to wipe some of the water off the younger man's face.

"What are you on?" Brian's voice was low and steady. It didn't betray an ounce of the fear he felt in not knowing how to fix something that he actually cared about fixing. He focused his attention on Justin's eyes and watched as Justin's pupils went from pinpricks to dimes and back to pinpricks again.

"I told you. I just had too much to drink." Justin was trying to hold Brian's gaze but keeping his head up was starting to make him dizzy. He ran his hands up Brian's sides and tried to turn on his blue-eyed charm.

Brian felt Justin waver slightly against him and he closed both hands in the small of Justin's back to steady him. "Come lie down."

"Now that's more like it." Justin tried to smile impishly but his expression came out looking more wounded than playful.

Brian had rolled his lips into his mouth and to all appearances he was immune to the flash of teeth, the flushed swollen lips and the vast expanse of firm naked flesh in his arms. He maneuvered Justin towards the bed and pushed him into a seated position before helping him to get his legs under the covers. "Go to sleep Justin. I'll just be a minute." Brian ignored the obvious willingness in Justin's eyes and the evidence of that willingness between Justin's legs.

"Go to sleep Justin? What the fuck are you on?" He sat up on his elbows and watched as Brian turned on his heels and tossed his towel on to the cabinet beside the bed.

"You heard me." Brian walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He'd cut off any further attempts at protest from Justin.

They'd traded places in front of the mirror.

Brian could see the wet handprints on the countertop where Justin had fought his battle to stay standing and he dropped his hands into the puddles before looking up at his reflection. On one level or another they'd both been fighting their own battles to stay standing and depending on their moods when asked, they'd either say they'd been winning the battle or losing it.

Brian was studying his own eyes now. He thought he looked tired but of course he didn't. He felt useless but in truth he'd already done so much. Half of reality was all about what was going on in your head at the time. It was all in the outlook.

Brian turned to face the little row of cupboards that stood in the corner of the room and contemplated what was hidden inside. This was a stupid way to deal with things but as far as he was concerned, at least this would make sure that he'd make it through the night. He crossed the room and pulled one of the cupboard doors open. Justin had put the scarf in here and even though Brian knew where it was, he'd never made any attempt to touch it or wear it since that night.

He didn't wear it and Justin didn't talk about it.

Brian ran his fingers over the material and traced over the blood-hardened patches. He and Justin had managed to break through so many roadblocks since the start and they'd managed to break through so many more since the attack. But even in spite of how far they'd already come, sometimes Brian thought there were so many blockades that it was getting hard to see the road. Brian thought about what Justin had just said to him. As far as Justin was concerned, everything Brian had been doing for him could be chocked up to the older man trying to absolve himself of some of his guilt. As much as Justin joked about knowing how much Brian loved him, Brian figured that there would always be a part of Justin that couldn't actually let himself believe that.

Brian dropped his hand away from the scarf. He'd come in here to regroup not fall apart.

He turned and closed the cupboard without bothering to look back at its contents. He'd been thinking about what to do when he went back out into the bedroom and he'd been thinking about where he could sleep. He had no desire to have sex with Justin tonight. Not like this and not under these circumstances. Justin wanted a good hard fuck so that he could forget and despite the fact that Brian was still a staunch advocate of putting things aside until you were armed to deal with them, he didn't want to play a part in this particular attempt at distraction.

He thought about leaving. Maybe he'd get a hotel room for the night or crash at Michael and Emmett's. Brian scoffed at the latter half of this mental suggestion. That was exactly what he needed. Having Emmett the Informant telling all of Liberty that his "boytoy" had not only banished him from the bed, but had also tossed him out of his own place for the night. Brian didn't want to have to explain what was going on to anyone so that would definitely rule out staying with anyone he knew. If he left, he'd stay at a hotel.

"What the fuck are you thinking?" Brian dropped his eyes from his reflection. There was no way in hell that he'd sleep tonight if he were any more than two feet away from Justin. He'd figured out this little detail just after Justin moved in and on top of that, leaving now would only make things worse.

Unknown to him, Brian had mimicked Justin's movements exactly as he splashed his face with water and rubbed at his temples before moving back into the bedroom.

Justin was lying on his side with his back to Brian. He wasn't sleeping and Brian knew that instantly. He'd frozen in his tracks and Justin seemed to sense how uncomfortable he was.

"You can come to bed. Don't worry you don't have to fuck me. While I might not have lost my charms with the Woody's crowd, it's obvious that my moves can wear thin once you've seen them often enough." Justin's tone was still raw and angry.

Brian bit down on his back teeth and tried to push back some of his emotion. He wasn't used to hearing Justin like this and he wasn't used to being the one trying to keep them on track and dealing with things head on. Brian crossed the room and padded down the stairs shutting off lights as he came to them. He moved back to the bedroom slowly and slipped in behind the shape under the covers. Justin had pulled the sheets up around his ears but Brian could still make out the rise and fall of Justin's form. In the blue light of the room he could make out the slope from Justin's shoulder, the bend of his elbow and the slow rise between his waist and hip. Brian wanted so much to say something or to touch him but he didn't. He turned on to his back and focused his gaze on the beam work in the ceiling.

Broken. Broken was how Justin felt. Useless. Useless was what Brian was. Brian summed up the situation dryly. Half of reality was definitely in the outlook.

He'd been wallowing in his own thoughts for exactly fourteen minutes before he heard the first sob quake through Justin's body. In reality he'd felt it even before he'd heard the sound. It wasn't that he'd felt Justin's body shaking with his crying. Instead, it was as if he'd felt the sob in the moment that Justin had given up and decided to let the tears come.

Brian turned to look at the shaking in Justin's shoulder and he didn't think, he just reacted. He pushed aside the covers and molded himself against Justin's back before reaching his arm across Justin's chest and pulling his body closer. Justin let the tears come louder and louder and Brian held on tighter and tighter. He'd buried his face by Justin's ear and again he didn't think, he just spoke. He kept talking and he hoped Justin could hear what he was saying to him.

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay." Brian's lips danced over the skin of Justin's ear as he whispered his words. "I promise. I promise you it's gonna be okay." Brian kissed at Justin's temple and pulled his body back against his chest. He kissed Justin again when the other man's tears showed no signs of subsiding.

"Justin, listen to me. It's gonna be okay. You'll get through this...you and me, we'll get through this. Do you hear me?"

Justin's sobs were his only vocal response to Brian's words.

"Justin do you hear me?"

Brian found Justin's hands in the dim light and he felt it when Justin reached for his hand with both of his. Brian held on as Justin continued to shake against him.

Justin had managed to slip away into a restless sleep but Brian hadn't closed his eyes since the tears had stopped flowing. He kept watch and chased away the nightmares each time that Justin woke up again. In the process of trying to calm Justin, Brian had said and promised things that he wanted so badly to be true and that he wanted so badly to live up to. He thought about the words he'd whispered against Justin's ear and his thoughts flashed on how he'd felt waiting at the hospital those nights.

Empty and useless. He knew that he never wanted to feel that way again.

Brian blinked and looked back up at the beam work. He'd been unconsciously tracing fine paths through Justin's hair with the tips of his fingers and if asked, Justin could tell him that this was something he did nearly all the time that they slept close together. Brian brushed his fingers across Justin's cheek and looked at what he could see of Justin's face. He'd promised Justin that he'd be here to help and he'd promised Justin that he would get through this, that they would get through it together.

It was all about your outlook and Brian, the eternal realist and sometimes pessimist, hoped he had what it took to be the cheerleader and optimistic voice of reason that Justin would so obviously need him to be. Justin shifted in Brian's arms and moaned against the older man's chest. Justin had been holding tight to Brian in his sleep and Brian relished the crushing against his chest and ribs because it meant he wouldn't have to hold on so tight himself.

When they were together, Brian didn't feel empty and it was times like these that he didn't feel quite so useless.

~Fin~

It's All In The Outlook by Lane Carson

He reached out to balance himself against the sink as he tried to steady his eyes on the distorted reflection in the mirror in front of him. He'd been switching between different drinks all night and now he was feeling queasy and his vision was starting to get fuzzy. He groped for the faucets and ran the water until the temperature was just short of scalding. He'd been just about to burn himself when he felt the steam on his face. Justin was still bent over the sink and now he was looking between his right hand and the hot water. He could hear Brian moving around in the bedroom and he swallowed hard. He'd decided to make good on his offer. If nothing else, sex would help to get his mind off his troubles. Justin turned up the cold water and splashed his face before moving off into the bedroom. Brian had shut off the new computer and the lights in the kitchen and he turned to face Justin as the other man came back into the bedroom. He watched as Justin walked towards him and tried to reach out for him. Justin's movements seemed even more unsteady than they had when he'd come in earlier but Brian thought that he still looked desperate. Brian let Justin close his arms around his waist and he reached up to wipe some of the water off the younger man's face. "What are you on?" Brian's voice was low and steady. It didn't betray an ounce of the fear he felt in not knowing how to fix something that he actually cared about fixing. He focused his attention on Justin's eyes and watched as Justin's pupils went from pinpricks to dimes and back to pinpricks again. "I told you. I just had too much to drink." Justin was trying to hold Brian's gaze but keeping his head up was starting to make him dizzy. He ran his hands up Brian's sides and tried to turn on his blue-eyed charm. Brian felt Justin waver slightly against him and he closed both hands in the small of Justin's back to steady him. "Come lie down." "Now that's more like it." Justin tried to smile impishly but his expression came out looking more wounded than playful. Brian had rolled his lips into his mouth and to all appearances he was immune to the flash of teeth, the flushed swollen lips and the vast expanse of firm naked flesh in his arms. He maneuvered Justin towards the bed and pushed him into a seated position before helping him to get his legs under the covers. "Go to sleep Justin. I'll just be a minute." Brian ignored the obvious willingness in Justin's eyes and the evidence of that willingness between Justin's legs. "Go to sleep Justin? What the fuck are you on?" He sat up on his elbows and watched as Brian turned on his heels and tossed his towel on to the cabinet beside the bed. "You heard me." Brian walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He'd cut off any further attempts at protest from Justin. They'd traded places in front of the mirror. Brian could see the wet handprints on the countertop where Justin had fought his battle to stay standing and he dropped his hands into the puddles before looking up at his reflection. On one level or another they'd both been fighting their own battles to stay standing and depending on their moods when asked, they'd either say they'd been winning the battle or losing it. Brian was studying his own eyes now. He thought he looked tired but of course he didn't. He felt useless but in truth he'd already done so much. Half of reality was all about what was going on in your head at the time. It was all in the outlook. Brian turned to face the little row of cupboards that stood in the corner of the room and contemplated what was hidden inside. This was a stupid way to deal with things but as far as he was concerned, at least this would make sure that he'd make it through the night. He crossed the room and pulled one of the cupboard doors open. Justin had put the scarf in here and even though Brian knew where it was, he'd never made any attempt to touch it or wear it since that night. He didn't wear it and Justin didn't talk about it. Brian ran his fingers over the material and traced over the blood-hardened patches. He and Justin had managed to break through so many roadblocks since the start and they'd managed to break through so many more since the attack. But even in spite of how far they'd already come, sometimes Brian thought there were so many blockades that it was getting hard to see the road. Brian thought about what Justin had just said to him. As far as Justin was concerned, everything Brian had been doing for him could be chocked up to the older man trying to absolve himself of some of his guilt. As much as Justin joked about knowing how much Brian loved him, Brian figured that there would always be a part of Justin that couldn't actually let himself believe that. Brian dropped his hand away from the scarf. He'd come in here to regroup not fall apart. He turned and closed the cupboard without bothering to look back at its contents. He'd been thinking about what to do when he went back out into the bedroom and he'd been thinking about where he could sleep. He had no desire to have sex with Justin tonight. Not like this and not under these circumstances. Justin wanted a good hard fuck so that he could forget and despite the fact that Brian was still a staunch advocate of putting things aside until you were armed to deal with them, he didn't want to play a part in this particular attempt at distraction. He thought about leaving. Maybe he'd get a hotel room for the night or crash at Michael and Emmett's. Brian scoffed at the latter half of this mental suggestion. That was exactly what he needed. Having Emmett the Informant telling all of Liberty that his "boytoy" had not only banished him from the bed, but had also tossed him out of his own place for the night. Brian didn't want to have to explain what was going on to anyone so that would definitely rule out staying with anyone he knew. If he left, he'd stay at a hotel. "What the fuck are you thinking?" Brian dropped his eyes from his reflection. There was no way in hell that he'd sleep tonight if he were any more than two feet away from Justin. He'd figured out this little detail just after Justin moved in and on top of that, leaving now would only make things worse. Unknown to him, Brian had mimicked Justin's movements exactly as he splashed his face with water and rubbed at his temples before moving back into the bedroom. Justin was lying on his side with his back to Brian. He wasn't sleeping and Brian knew that instantly. He'd frozen in his tracks and Justin seemed to sense how uncomfortable he was. "You can come to bed. Don't worry you don't have to fuck me. While I might not have lost my charms with the Woody's crowd, it's obvious that my moves can wear thin once you've seen them often enough." Justin's tone was still raw and angry. Brian bit down on his back teeth and tried to push back some of his emotion. He wasn't used to hearing Justin like this and he wasn't used to being the one trying to keep them on track and dealing with things head on. Brian crossed the room and padded down the stairs shutting off lights as he came to them. He moved back to the bedroom slowly and slipped in behind the shape under the covers. Justin had pulled the sheets up around his ears but Brian could still make out the rise and fall of Justin's form. In the blue light of the room he could make out the slope from Justin's shoulder, the bend of his elbow and the slow rise between his waist and hip. Brian wanted so much to say something or to touch him but he didn't. He turned on to his back and focused his gaze on the beam work in the ceiling. Broken. Broken was how Justin felt. Useless. Useless was what Brian was. Brian summed up the situation dryly. Half of reality was definitely in the outlook. He'd been wallowing in his own thoughts for exactly fourteen minutes before he heard the first sob quake through Justin's body. In reality he'd felt it even before he'd heard the sound. It wasn't that he'd felt Justin's body shaking with his crying. Instead, it was as if he'd felt the sob in the moment that Justin had given up and decided to let the tears come. Brian turned to look at the shaking in Justin's shoulder and he didn't think, he just reacted. He pushed aside the covers and molded himself against Justin's back before reaching his arm across Justin's chest and pulling his body closer. Justin let the tears come louder and louder and Brian held on tighter and tighter. He'd buried his face by Justin's ear and again he didn't think, he just spoke. He kept talking and he hoped Justin could hear what he was saying to him. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay." Brian's lips danced over the skin of Justin's ear as he whispered his words. "I promise. I promise you it's gonna be okay." Brian kissed at Justin's temple and pulled his body back against his chest. He kissed Justin again when the other man's tears showed no signs of subsiding. "Justin, listen to me. It's gonna be okay. You'll get through this...you and me, we'll get through this. Do you hear me?" Justin's sobs were his only vocal response to Brian's words. "Justin do you hear me?" Brian found Justin's hands in the dim light and he felt it when Justin reached for his hand with both of his. Brian held on as Justin continued to shake against him. Justin had managed to slip away into a restless sleep but Brian hadn't closed his eyes since the tears had stopped flowing. He kept watch and chased away the nightmares each time that Justin woke up again. In the process of trying to calm Justin, Brian had said and promised things that he wanted so badly to be true and that he wanted so badly to live up to. He thought about the words he'd whispered against Justin's ear and his thoughts flashed on how he'd felt waiting at the hospital those nights. Empty and useless. He knew that he never wanted to feel that way again. Brian blinked and looked back up at the beam work. He'd been unconsciously tracing fine paths through Justin's hair with the tips of his fingers and if asked, Justin could tell him that this was something he did nearly all the time that they slept close together. Brian brushed his fingers across Justin's cheek and looked at what he could see of Justin's face. He'd promised Justin that he'd be here to help and he'd promised Justin that he would get through this, that they would get through it together. It was all about your outlook and Brian, the eternal realist and sometimes pessimist, hoped he had what it took to be the cheerleader and optimistic voice of reason that Justin would so obviously need him to be. Justin shifted in Brian's arms and moaned against the older man's chest. Justin had been holding tight to Brian in his sleep and Brian relished the crushing against his chest and ribs because it meant he wouldn't have to hold on so tight himself. When they were together, Brian didn't feel empty and it was times like these that he didn't feel quite so useless. ~Fin~
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