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Say Something by Lane Carson |
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Brian stared at the figure on the screen. He could almost see a reflection of the room behind him in the black areas of the horse's body and the brown areas of the background. All his senses told him that Justin was somewhere by the door. Justin didn't want to leave and he was willing Brian to stop him. Brian could tell that Justin was waiting for something and he tried to stand up again. He tried to form the words that he would need to say to pull this off, but he couldn't. Part of him didn't want to say anything. That part of him was pissed that Justin would try to back him into this corner and he wanted to say to hell with it...but...part of him knew better. Justin waited for another few minutes and then pulled the door open. He wanted to be angry at Brian but all of his energy had already been devoted to keeping his eyes dry and keeping his voice steady. "I'll be at Deb's." Justin's voice cracked at the end of his sentence. He'd spoken to Brian's back and he'd watched as the man's head dipped lower into his hands. Justin blinked hard and looked away. He'd pulled his backpack up on to his shoulder and he'd been about to pull the door shut when he heard Brian's voice. "What are you doing?" Brian was standing now and Justin could see his eyes. The man was having way more success than Justin at keeping his eyes dry and keeping his voice steady. Had he been asked, Brian would have probably admitted that it was from years of practice. "I don't want this. I mean, thank you for what you've done for me...but I don't want you to do it anymore." Justin dropped his eyes again. He couldn't stand to look at Brian's face for another minute. He couldn't stand to think that everything that Brian had done for him, everything that had happened between them, had just been about Brian and his conscience. Justin couldn't stand to think that everything had been about Brian trying to fix his problems so that he could quiet his own demons. Justin could have sworn that there had been more to it. He'd believed it when he'd told Daphne that Brian had changed, he'd felt it when Brian looked at him and he'd felt it when Brian would reach for him while they slept. Justin glanced at Brian again and found that he had to look away just as quickly. He had to look away because if he looked at Brian in that minute he could still swear that he saw more. "I'm gonna go now. I'll get the rest of my stuff later." Justin backed out of the room and started to slide the door shut. "Justin." Brian didn't think his voice sounded steady any more. "What?" Justin whispered his word. He'd suddenly felt immensely tired. Brian was walking towards him now and Justin watched as Brian pulled the door all the way open again. "Come inside." It was a command but Brian hoped it sounded like the plea that he'd intended it to be. He reached out to pull at Justin's shirt and he waited. Justin took one involuntary step forward under the force of Brian's pull and then stopped himself. There was much more than the strength in Brian's arm pulling him back into that loft. Justin was sure that most of it had been happening on an emotional level but he was equally sure that he was the only one feeling the pull. Brian had as much as told him that he'd projected all of it and Justin didn't think he wanted to pretend any more. "Please let go of me. I need to get out of here." Justin pulled back and reached up to unlace Brian's fingers from his sweatshirt. "It's raining outside." The man was grasping at straws now. Trying to buy more time to come up with words that he didn't think would choke him as they came out of his throat. It was physically impossible for him to let Justin leave and yet it felt just as impossible to say the things that would make Justin stay. Justin was shaking his head now and he was pulling farther away. "I could drive you." Brian didn't know where that one had come from but he hoped nonetheless that it would buy him some more time. Justin looked up and met his eyes. "Don't do me any more favors." With that, Justin pulled his backpack up on to his shoulder and walked away. Brian had watched him disappear around the bend of the stairwell and he'd listened as the front door of the building clanged shut six floors below. It had all happened so quickly. Justin was gone. It had taken less than an hour for Brian to realize that something was very wrong with him after Justin's gurney had disappeared down that hospital corridor. He didn't have any of the traditional wounds to show for it, but there was something physically wrong with him nonetheless. He couldn't stop himself from crying, he couldn't breathe properly, he couldn't slow his heart rate and for the life of him, he couldn't shake the overwhelming pain he felt whenever he thought about not seeing Justin's eyes again. He hadn't tried to tell Michael what he was feeling but he figured that his friend understood nonetheless. He hadn't tried to tell any of them what it did to him to spend those months alone and to keep himself away from Justin and away from everything. He had done his best to make sure they wouldn't see him break and that they wouldn't see the gaping hole that he wore around every day. But despite all his efforts to hide what was happening to him, Brian had honestly thought that the people around him saw things for what they actually were. Some part of him had always taken comfort in the fact that although he'd made sure they would never dare to try and fix him or offer him help outright, that they all knew what he was going through and were looking out for him from the sidelines. He had never dreamed that they would actually buy his 'I don't give a shit' routine and it stung a little to think people actually believed that he didn't feel anything. It stung even more to think that Justin had believed it. Brian pulled the door shut and turned towards the darkness in the loft. Ten minutes earlier he'd dimmed all the lights except the ones close to where Justin was drawing. He'd turned on the stereo and put on something mellow. He could tell that Justin was still pissed at him but he'd been sure that he knew how to fix things. Brian had slipped into his seduction mode and he'd planned on making sure that Justin knew that the shit that he did on a couch with some guy who's name he'd never bothered to get and certainly had no plans of remembering, didn't come close to the things they did together. Justin had tensed when he'd touched him and Brian had even expected that. He'd expected a challenge and he thought he'd been prepared for it. Brian had simply replaced hands with lips and moved from touching shoulders to touching cock. Justin had even moaned a little and in that second, Brian had thought he would win. Win. He didn't win. Brian dropped his head back against the cool of the metal door behind him and looked around. Now the dimmed lights just made the place look dark and Brian realized that the little that Justin had managed to take with him when he left, had emptied the loft. Brian studied the little drawing on the screen across the room. He thought the figure on the horse looked like he was about to be thrown and Brian was sure that the man in the drawing wouldn't know what hit him when it happened. At some point in the last few seconds, he'd slid his back down the door to sit on the floor. Brian curled his arms around his knees and continued to take in the room. He figured that Justin would have walked to Deb's and if that was true, then Brian could easily take the Jeep and go after him. He could find him and he could bring him back. He could find him and he could fix things. "Fuck." Brian slammed his head back against the door. He could do all those things he'd been thinking about but he knew full well that he wouldn't. He would sit there while Justin managed to walk further and further away and Brian would let him do it. Justin turned his face up towards the rain and let it wash his face. He'd just rounded the last corner to his destination and he didn't want his tears to give the woman too much reason to coddle him just yet. His hair was dripping as he climbed the steps and reached for the doorbell. Debbie greeted him with surprise and barely veiled disappointment. She knew instantly why he was there and Justin knew that she'd actually been rooting for them. "You haven't rented out my old room yet, have you?" Justin tried to keep his tone light and he swallowed hard as he felt his mask slip for an instant. Debbie was ushering him inside now and he took comfort in feeling her touch and the warmth inside the house. He'd hoped she wouldn't ask too many questions just yet and he was relieved when she simply grabbed his backpack and told him to take off his shoes and come upstairs. He'd followed her to his old room and watched her flip on the light and set the bag in the corner. "I hope you brought something to change into and that it didn't get soaked. But if it did get soaked, don't worry about that. I'm sure I can find something of Vic's that'll do for the night or something in Michael's clean laundry." Debbie was talking too fast and Justin knew that she only did this when she was really nervous or really angry. He figured that the latter was true in this case. "Don't." Justin stood still and took the opportunity to warn Debbie against what he was sure she would do. "Don't what? What's the matter?" Debbie was looking at him like he'd suddenly lost his mind. "Don't go to him. I know that's what you're planning. Don't do it. Just stay out of it, please." Justin was firm. "He shouldn't be hurting you." "Debbie don't, you don't know what's going on. I want you to stay out of it." "I know you didn't trade a cashmere duvet and a king sized bed for over-washed flannel sheets and this lumpy old thing because of nothing. I think I can make a pretty good guess of what's going on." Debbie was fluffing up the pillows on the bed as she spoke. "Don't go to him, okay. He's done the best that he can." Justin sighed as he spoke. "Done the best that he can? You need to stop defending him and he needs to stop being an asshole." Debbie was wagging a finger now and Justin was starting to regret his choice of sanctuaries. "Look, before you pick up your bag and run off just to get away from me too, just listen to me." She was standing close to Justin now and she'd softened her tone of voice. "I had never been more sure that things would work out for you two, so excuse me for not taking this lying down. You love him and he loves you. You don't have to tell me that he's done something stupid because I know it would take quite a doozy to make you walk away... even for one night." Debbie was reaching for him now and Justin brushed her hand aside. "Things aren't always the way they look or the way they feel. Just please leave this alone." Justin was getting angry and Debbie took this as her cue to leave. Justin obviously didn't want to talk about this and Debbie had already decided what she was going to do. He'd been sleeping less and less over the course of the week and whenever he was awake he'd felt less and less alive. He'd gone back to the way things were before he got Justin back and he couldn't for the life of him figure out how he'd managed to slip back into a situation that he swore that he never wanted to feel again. He was drinking a lot more, he was smoking a lot more and he'd reprised his "good customer" status with several of the pushers at Babylon. In spite of these excesses, there was one thing that Brian had virtually stopped doing in the week since Justin had left. He'd stopped looking. He had no interest in sex and he had no interest in looking for someone to fuck. It was pretty ironic that the one freedom that he refused to give up in light of his 'relationship' would be the one thing he would lose interest in when that 'relationship' ended. Brian flipped off the television and crossed the room to the ringing telephone. "What?" He'd hissed his greeting. "Hello to you too." "What the fuck do you want?" "You watch your mouth when you talk to me. I know it's filthy and everything but you just watch it." Debbie was getting more pissed by the second. Brian didn't vocalize his response to her scolding but she could tell what his response was nonetheless. "You roll your eyes anymore and they'll roll right out of your head." She'd practically been wagging her finger. "You got a few more motherisms up your sleeve or are you done?" Brian tucked the portable phone into the crook of his neck and moved towards the bottle of scotch on the kitchen counter. He'd begun to refill his glass as he waited for her smartass answer and Debbie heard the clanging of glass on glass. "Put that drink away and meet me at Woody's. You can get as drunk as you want after I'm done with you, but not before. And believe me Mister, you're gonna need as much alcohol as they'll serve you when I get through with you." "Fuck off Deb." He clearly hadn't heeded her warning about his language. In all the years she'd known him, he'd rarely listened to any of her warnings. "Get your ass over to Woody's now." Debbie hung up the phone. Brian looked at the receiver for a few moments before tossing it on to the couch. He finished his drink and considered the dark stillness in the loft. He'd been climbing the walls all evening but still hadn't had any urge to move himself off the couch. He had no interest in the noise of the bar and he had less interest in kowtowing to Debbie's orders. In spite of all that, he figured he would end up going anyway. Brian ran his hands through his hair before moving up to the platform of the bedroom. The sheets had been changed and the bed had been crisply made on the Tuesday that Justin had left. Brian hadn't slept in the bed since. The little sleep he did get, he'd gotten on the couch or on the couch in his office. He crossed the room towards the closet and dropped off the cutoff sweatpants that he'd been wearing since his shower. He made a lack luster attempt at getting dressed and grabbed for whatever his fingers found first. Brian pulled on a faded pair of jeans and reached for a t- shirt in one of the cabinet drawers. He opened the wrong drawer. The top drawer had belonged to Justin and Brian almost threw up as he listened to the hollow sound the now empty drawer made when he pushed it shut. He'd been dressed and in the car within twenty minutes and he drove slowly to his destination. He'd been feeling sluggish all week but he chocked that one up more to the fact that he hadn't eaten much and less to the drinking. He had no desire to hear what he was sure Debbie would say but he found himself drawn to seeing her by the prospect of privately asking her how Justin was doing. He would never have dared to do that in the company of his friends or over breakfast at the diner. Brian pulled into a spot across the street and sat there. He watched the crowds go by and he thought back to the effort it had taken to get Justin to walk around in a crowd again. Part of Brian wished he'd never helped Justin with that little problem. Part of him thought that if Justin had still been afraid to go outside, he wouldn't have been able to leave. Brian shook the thought away. He'd honestly wanted to help Justin and he'd considered his own motivations in light of the things Justin had said to him after he'd gotten him the computer. Justin had been worried even then that Brian just felt guilty and now Brian realized that he'd never really done anything to dispel that fear. The part of him that was angry that Justin would back him into this corner spoke up again. It said that he should just go back home and get over him. It was the same part that had driven Brian to distraction with the fucking, the drugging and the drinking when Justin was still in the hospital. Listening to this part of himself hadn't worked then and Brian doubted that it would work now. He pulled off his seatbelt and crossed the street to the bar. Justin walked along the catwalk and looked over the crowd down below. He'd developed a trained eye for sifting through the prospects quite quickly. He figured he'd developed those skills by watching Brian for so long. The man had been able to pick a partner out of the crowd and to tell with a glance what the guy would be good at and what he'd be good for. Brian could tell a 'top' from a 'bottom' just by the way that the guy looked at him and Brian had made his selections based on what he was in the mood for and the cues he got from these men. Justin eyed the dark-haired man standing by the railings in front of him. The guy turned around and Justin smiled. He'd measured this guy as a 'top' and tonight Justin felt like getting fucked. He'd go home with this guy and he wouldn't give a second thought to the slightly sick feeling that moved through his stomach at the prospect of breaking his own rule about the things he did exclusively with Brian. The guy was telling Justin his name and Justin barely heard it over the noise of the room around them. The man's name was Eric or Dirk or something with a "c" or a "k" at the end of it. Justin hadn't caught it and he didn't much care. He grabbed hold of the waistband of the guy's jeans and moved him down the stairs to the writhing dance floor below. He felt the guy's hands on his ass and he tipped his face up to let the guy kiss him. These lips didn't feel like Brian's but Justin figured that given enough time he'd come to forget how Brian Kinney's lips had felt. "...to never let another heart touch yours. That is assuming you have one..." Debbie was speaking somewhere to the right of him and Brian blocked out all the sound around him and replayed those last few words in his head. That last little bit had hurt for some reason and Brian blinked slowly. Yet another person had underestimated what it was that he felt. Debbie had come in here to preach to him about what was going on in his head where Justin was concerned and Brian thought she couldn't possibly fathom what that was. "You love him, don't you?" 'Shit.' Brian looked at her quickly. He'd wanted to make sure that he'd heard what she'd said and that he hadn't missed the sureness in her voice in the way she'd said it. Debbie hadn't underestimated the way things were. She hadn't missed anything. He looked away when he was sure that he couldn't hold his look of indifference for even one more second. He'd dropped his chin to his hand and blown out the breath he'd been holding. "I thought so..." Debbie spoke softly as if she didn't want to frighten him back into nonchalance. Brian kept still and listened. She was urging him to tell Justin...she was urging him to tell Justin...she was urging him to tell Justin too much. 'Michael?' What was it that she'd said about Michael? Debbie obviously thought he'd kept these same feelings away from Michael. She thought he could have said these same things to Michael at some point and Brian wasn't sure she was wrong. Michael couldn't honestly doubt the way that Brian felt about him because Brian had told him as much. But Debbie was implying that there had been much more that he could have told Michael, that he had felt more for Michael and that he'd let that go unsaid. He wasn't sure she was wrong. "Brian. Tell Justin. I promise you that he's dying for you to come and get him and take him home." Debbie touched his arm gently. After several minutes Brian sat up slowly and focused on the glass in front of him. "Where is he?" "...and when I come home, I'll also be doing exactly what I wanna do. Coming home to you." There. It was done. He hoped to God that it had been enough because he didn't think he could make himself any clearer or make himself any more vulnerable. "Okay." Justin had said 'yes' and Brian took a breath. "But I want somethings too..." Justin spoke up and Brian held his breath again. Justin knew this had been hard for Brian to do, but he wanted to make things very clear before Brian said anything else or did anything else. Justin could stand to share his lover's body as long as he didn't have to share his love. Brian listened to 'The Rules' and he understood the unspoken implications it would have on his interactions with Michael. He understood why that would bother Justin and he thought he could live with everything, except one thing. Justin had seen Brian's pupils narrow when he said he wanted things too and he'd seen it when Brian's pupils dilated completely at the prospect of his matching the older man's extra-curricular activities. Justin knew Brian wouldn't like that part and he'd seen that more clearly than ever in the way Brian had just greeted and dismissed his dance partner. Justin wasn't malicious but he was cunning. If he wanted his lover all to himself, step one was to make sure that Brian knew what it felt like to have to share and share alike. He put on his best challenging expression and waited for Brian's take on the terms of their relationship. The reality of what they'd almost lost flooded in as their lips moved against each other's. Justin reached up to close his fingers in the hair at the base of Brian's neck as he lost himself in the feel of knowing that no one else had been here with Brian before. This was uncharted territory for the man and this kiss that they were sharing was something Brian wouldn't share with anyone else. Justin's thoughts swam as he felt Brian's hands on his hips, then his waist and then closing tightly around his body. They were alone in the middle of a crowd and as long as they were intact it didn't matter who else came and went from Brian's bed. Brian pulled back slightly and looked at Justin. He'd taken a chance in coming here tonight and he'd done far more than he would have thought himself capable of. He dipped his face towards Justin's again and licked across the other man's lips. He thought he saw through Justin's ploy of wanting to sleep with other men. He thought he was pretty confident that this was another of those bluffs to force his hand but Brian was quick to catch himself before he dismissed Justin's motivations as mere bluffing. He was giving Justin more than he ever thought possible and he had to be careful. This wasn't just a game to be won. "Tell me something." Brian whispered his words against Justin's mouth. "What?" Justin had closed his eyes and now he was rubbing his nose across the satin of Brian's lips and chin. "When are you coming home?" Justin opened his eyes and smiled. A single thought played through his mind, 'I already am.' |
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