Some Things You Should Learn

by Lane Carson

He'd been turning the thoughts over in his head for the last little while and he'd decided that he knew why it was that he was having trouble shaking them. He'd realized that as far as the police were concerned fags, like this dead kid, were nothing more than 'Jane' Does waiting to turn up somewhere. Considering what he'd lived, Justin figured that he had reason to take this personally.

It was true that they, like the kid, could just as easily have swapped a hot fuck for ending up cold and staring and Justin thought he knew that. The attack had meant the death of a certain part of the way he looked at the world and had given birth to his new sense of mortality. He figured that he was now amongst that percentage of the population who'd at least stopped to give a second thought to the fact that they could just as easily become statistics.

Brian had been listening to Justin's words and he'd formulated his scheme in the seconds that it took him to climb the platform and stand above Justin's body. He knew how much Justin trusted him and he'd planned on using this in delivering his lesson in how to make sure to not give that trust to anyone too easily.

Justin had stopped to give the danger a second thought, but even now Brian didn't think Justin fully grasped the reality of the risks and the ease with which he had and would still take them.

"The first time that you came here you didn't know anything about me. I could have done anything to you." He'd kicked Justin to get him to turn over, having decided to keep it playful and to keep Justin off his guard for just a little while yet. After all, people didn't usually walk expectantly into their deaths; most times it surprised them.

"I was pretty sure you were gonna fuck me." Justin rolled on to his back and smiled as he watched Brian kneel down to straddle his thighs. He'd thrown a lot of silk and seduction into his answer and reaching up to stroke Brian's thighs, he thought he knew how this little scenario was going to play itself out.

"And then what?" Brian finished his comment by settling into place above Justin's body. The ploy of any good predator was to either strike quickly or to lull your prey into complacency by making it believe you were harmless. He'd decided to follow the latter path for now and in this vein he'd made his movements up to this point slow and languid.

No surprises. Not yet.

Justin believed that he hadn't misread the look in Brian's eyes and just as he'd been sure over a year ago, he would willingly stake big money on the fact that Brian was getting ready to fuck him. He watched mesmerized as the older man leaned in towards him and his mouth began to water. According to Justin's read of the situation, they'd start out kissing and then he'd move to licking Brian's neck. He'd get Brian out of his clothes and then he'd start on the man's chest and stomach. He'd leave as many little bite marks on Brian's body as he could muster before Brian got tired of it and fought to fuck him. Justin had been in the middle of hashing his own plot when...Brian pounced.

He had moved almost too quickly for Justin to see. "What if?"

...The next image before Justin's eyes after imagining himself biting those sweet spots on the insides of Brian's thighs, was seeing the man looming above his face and feeling fingernails against his skin from how tightly Brian was holding his wrists. He'd felt his own dick kick in his pants as Brian leaned down towards him and Justin couldn't fight back the small smile. They'd been playing a lot rougher in the last little while; their sex play having grown to include abbreviated wrestling matches before Brian would simply overpower him.

Justin relaxed against the bedding and got ready to be taken. He could still feel Brian's hands on his wrists and he flexed his arms a little to test the strength of his restraints. He'd felt Brian readjust and then tighten his grip and he'd decided that he liked this new game very much already.

Justin watched as Brian shifted his position to trace heated breaths along his rib cage and up his chest before teasing over his neck. Justin's eyes had started to cross as Brian breathed along his collarbone and Justin let his eyes slip shut. This felt good.

Brian had made a quick assessment of Justin's condition. Justin's eyes were closed and his lips had started to part. In this second Brian had decided that what little resistance Justin could have offered had he stayed focused, was now lost in the complete submission with which Justin lay before him.

"What if?" In one heartbeat Brian had released his grip on Justin's wrists and settled his hands firmly on Justin's throat. "...I'd started to strangle you?" Brian could feel Justin's increasing pulse under his fingers and he could see and feel the younger man's useless efforts to pry his fingers away. Brian watched Justin's eyes. Justin didn't like this new aspect of their play. He was freaked but Brian didn't think he was freaked enough. Brian had been inches from Justin's face and he leaned in to tighten his grip.

"I'd rather you choked me with your dick." Justin's pale skin was already turning red but he was still trying to play along. He could feel what Brian was doing to him now and his attention was momentarily diverted from the fact that it was getting increasingly harder to breathe. Brian had inched up to straddle Justin's hard on and having molded his body to Justin's, he was rubbing his own erection against the stiffening below him.

"You could have been dead." Brian exhaled his words against Justin's face. He hadn't missed the way that oxygen deprivation had reddened Justin's lips and he leaned in to lick at Justin's tongue. He'd tasted Justin like this a thousand times already but this tasting felt a little more insidious and a lot more carnal than the previous occasions.

"Brian." Justin's word was a whisper. He was starting to have real trouble breathing and he wasn't sure Brian realized how much this reminded him of how it felt to wake up on a ventilator after surgery for his head injury. While most of what Brian was doing was a turn on, Justin needed Brian to let go of his neck. Justin forced the little air in his lungs to form the words he needed. "Cut it out."

Justin had pushed Brian's hands off his neck and now he felt winded. For his part, Brian hadn't moved away from near the other man's face and the labored breaths washed over his skin. He'd taken note of the genuine panic in the corners of Justin's eyes and he'd actually saw this as a positive sign that Justin hadn't lost all good sense where they were concerned after all. Justin trusted him...he trusted him too much, but what Brian saw gave him some comfort that there was still a part of Justin that recognized his 'boyfriend' for the danger that he could pose.

"You came here not knowing what was gonna happen." Brian finished his words as he sat up. "That was part of the thrill." He'd still been straddling Justin's hard on and Brian reached down to run his hand over his own cock. He'd been rubbing himself while in turn continuing to grind his crotch over Justin's erection.

Justin watched Brian's movements with one part worry and one part lust. He could feel Brian's hands on the waistband of his pants and he felt it when the man undid the button and unzipped them.

"It's what made you hard." Brian spoke his facts without any hint of emotion and Justin continued to watch him carefully.

Justin wasn't wearing underwear and he flinched as Brian's fist found him easily. "You're hard now just thinking about it." Brian finished his sentence and Justin watched with only half a part of worry and one and half parts lust as Brian undid his own jeans and pushed the material aside to stroke at his own penis directly.

Brian had been leaning in slowly as he spoke his next words. "The danger...the excitement." He'd not only intended to touch his face to Justin's but he'd also intended to bring their mutual hardness together as well. Brian had molded himself against Justin's body again and he pressed his hard on against Justin's. He'd reached down the close his fists around both organs and he created channel for them to slide together.

There was heat between his legs and Justin moaned reflexively. He'd seen Brian smile and he'd been about to slide over the edge when he recognized Brian's weakness. The man had seen fit to occupy both his hands and Justin took this as his opportunity to turn the tables slightly. He too had moved quickly and Brian could do little more than smile as Justin's fingers closed painfully in his hair.

"Fuck me." Justin's words were a command. He'd wanted Brian to know that they could both play nasty.

'Not on your terms.' This thought flooded through Brian's head as he struck again.

In a second Brain had shifted his body and dislodged Justin's grip on his hair. Brian had not only managed to get away but he'd also managed to trap Justin again. This time he'd pinned both of the younger man's hands above his head, holding them tight in his right hand before moving to lock his left hand over Justin's throat again. Brian had clamped his knees on either side of Justin's thighs and now no amount of kicking and bucking from Justin would be able to dislodge his grip. A position that had previously seemed like a sexy intro to their fucking was now obvious in its intention. Brian had managed to set himself up in a position where he had all the leverage and Justin had none.

"You don't have control Justin. You gave it away." Brian tightened his grip on Justin's throat to drive his point home. He'd timed the pressure of his hold so that he would block Justin's breathing for three or four seconds before releasing slightly and allowing him a few breaths.

Justin's eyes searched Brian's face for some explanation of whether the man was serious.

"You gave control to me." Brian licked over Justin's cheek and the younger man shook his head in hopes of signaling Brian to let go. He was in the midst of a three or four second interval where Brian wasn't allowing him any air and not knowing how long the deprivation was going to last, Justin started to panic. He'd been struggling and pushing upwards to get away and it didn't take long before Justin realized that his movements were contributing to his loss of airflow.

"You don't know whether I'm playing or being serious and now all you can do is lie there and hope that I won't do anything that you don't want me to do. All you can do now is hope that what I want won't hurt you too much." Brian leaned in to kiss over Justin's lips and the younger man bit him hard.

Brian had winced at the pain but he pulled back and smiled. He'd released his grip on Justin's throat as he watched the color flood into Justin's skin. Brian had watched for precisely ten seconds before tightening his hold again.

"No." Justin had managed to choke one word out before Brian could cut his air off again.

In that second Brian had reevaluated the fear in Justin's eyes and he realized that it was rooted much deeper than what they'd been doing in the last few minutes. He let go of Justin's throat and wrists and watched as both of the younger man's hands flew up to occupy the spot where his own hand had been. Justin was breathing hard and Brian sat back on his heels to study Justin's recovery.

"Fucking asshole. What are you doing?" Justin ground his question out in a raspy voice.

"Teaching you another of life's lessons." Brian slid off Justin's body and dropped himself on his back beside the other man. He'd made sure to keep an ear on the way Justin was breathing.

Justin rolled on to his side and fixed an angry look on Brian's profile. "What lesson is that? Ten ways to kill a lover?" Justin tried to swallow the cough that was forming at the back of his throat.

"Precisely. That was lesson two. Lesson one was 'don't let anyone fuck you without a condom' and lesson two is, 'don't be stupid enough to get strangled in bed'."

"You're the one who likes kink Brian." Justin rolled over on to his back when he thought he could handle breathing in that position. He'd been rubbing at what he was sure would be red marks on his throat.

"Rough is fine when you're on top Justin. Kinky is fine when you're on top. But don't let some asshole bullshit you into bottoming for their perverse pleasure. There's bound to be a point where it'll stop being fun for you, and then what?" Brian didn't turn to look at Justin as he spoke.

"You're not just some asshole Brian." Justin had raised this point with the man before. There were things he would only consider doing if Brian was involved and there were risks that he would never take with anyone else.

"And that makes you sleep better at night?" Brian turned his head to find Justin's eyes now. Justin had been smiling but his smile drifted away when he realized that Brian was being entirely serious.

Justin trusted him and Brian hoped that Justin would realize that trust and familiarity didn't necessarily make him safer. Reserving your risk taking to one person didn't eliminate the risk that you could get hurt or that they would hurt you. This especially where that one person didn't keep themselves only to you. Justin hadn't gone home with the wrong guy that first night and in that regard he'd been lucky. Nowadays he'd had his head screwed on enough to know that he was rolling the dice with strangers but Brian needed to make sure that he understood that on so many levels he was still rolling the dice where they were concerned.

"I take risks Justin. We all do. Dead guy did." Brian gestured towards the newspaper on the platform. "You're not taking any less of a risk when you're with me." Brian hadn't taken his eyes off Justin's face; he'd been trying to read the other man's reactions.

"What if I tell you that I know that?" Justin sat up now and turned his body to face Brian's. He'd shifted closer and dropped an arm across Brian's chest as he spoke. Justin was pretty clear about the risk he took where Brian was concerned. He'd long since realized that in the face of everything he felt, that risk, as unpleasant as it was, didn't quite tip the scale.

"Stupid little fuck." Brian smiled as he slowly whispered his words and relaxed against the sheets. He was focused on Justin's lips as the other man leaned in to kiss him.

He'd reached up to close his arms around Justin's back as he pulled him closer. They were still naked in all the right places and Brian sighed audibly as Justin slid up against him. Brian's most natural reaction to the increased stimulus was to find the waistband of Justin's pants again and let his hands and fingers slip beneath them. The skin under his fingers was hot to the touch and Brian filled his hands with flesh and squeezed.

"Take these off." Brian turned his head to bite at Justin's earlobe and he watched with anticipation as the younger man sat up again before standing above him to pull off his pants.

"Better?" Justin smiled coyly as he lowered himself on to Brian's body again. He undid the buttons on Brian's shirt as he took up position above Brian's exposed cock.

"Not quite." Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and waited. He'd been playing with Justin's hands and Brian watched as Justin leaned down to take one of his fingers into his mouth. Justin had rolled the digit against his tongue for a few seconds before addressing the man again.

"Then make it better." He'd lifted his body to give Brian access and now he waited for what he knew Brian would do.

Justin would be reckless enough to take the chance and Brian would be hopeless enough to let him.

---

Justin turned over and squinted at the dim image of the alarm clock on the stand next to the bed. According to the display it was two-thirty seven and according to the cool sheets next to him, Brian wasn't home. The man still had half an hour left but Justin wanted him there now. He'd been lying in the dark staring at the ceiling and he'd been thinking about nothing else but watching Brian walk away with his trick. He'd been thinking about the fact that almost everything about the guy reminded him of Brian. That same cocksure attitude and that same cool bravado.

Tommy...Tony...Timmy. Justin didn't know his name and Brian didn't care.

He'd wondered what had attracted Brian to the man and he answered his own question instantly. In actuality Brian had answered that question for him only the night before. Brian had a taste for the danger and the excitement and the unknown. Part of the thrill was definitely in not knowing what your next fuck would bring and on some level Justin thought he understood that. He'd as much as told Brian that he understood that attraction and that he accepted the risk. What Justin still wasn't sure of was what these resolutions meant in the face of what he'd felt tonight as he watched Brian walk away.

Justin had thrown back the sheets and taken unsteady steps towards the kitchen on sleepy legs. He tried not to let his thoughts settle on the fact that he hadn't managed to get Brian to come home with him tonight.

Justin didn't bother to turn on the lights and he'd found a bottle of water from the fridge and been on his way back when he heard Brian at the door. He moved towards the door and pulled it back on its tracks. It slid easily since Brian was adding his own effort from the other side.

"Waiting up?" Brian had been startled.

"Got up to get a drink." Justin raised the bottle into Brian's view in order to lend some credibility to his story. He'd turned around to flip on the light switch on the post close to the door before heading back to the bedroom.

Brian hadn't missed the clipped tone in Justin's response but he'd decided to ignore it for now. After all, they'd agreed that he could play and he was definitely playing by the rules. Timmy...Tommy...Tony had been the one to offer his name and by not bothering to remember the actual name, Brian ensured that he wouldn't break their agreement. He tossed his jacket over the back of the sofa and followed Justin back up to the bedroom.

Justin took a sip from his bottle before setting it on the stand and checking the alarm clock. "Was he any good?" He'd turned to look at Brian before climbing into the bed and pulling the sheets up.

"Not bad." Brian pulled his shirt over his head and watched Justin closely. He was pretty sure that that wasn't the question that Justin had really wanted to ask him.

"Well I thought he was hot. Reminded me of someone." Justin glanced at Brian again as he settled in under the covers.

"He wanted me to do him again. If you want, we could both do him." Brian reached for his fly but kept his focus on the set of Justin's shoulders.

"One time only Brian. You've had your fun. If I fuck him, I'll fuck him alone. Besides you're not supposed to know his name or have his number." Justin turned over to look at Brian now.

"You're the one who asked for his name and he stuffed this into my pocket as I was leaving." Brian fished through his front jean pocket for the crumpled scrap of paper and he'd been teasing Justin when he asked his next question. "You want it?" He'd been halfway to the garbage can to toss the number before Justin could deliver his answer.

"Fuck off"

Brian huffed a little laugh and looked away. "Aren't you glad I didn't get murdered?" He'd found Justin's face again before speaking.

"I'm thrilled. Can't you tell?" Justin settled on to his back and continued to look at Brian.

Brian, for his part, had unzipped his way too tight jeans and had been pulling them off as Justin continued to stare daggers at him. "What?" Brian asked his question semi-playfully as he walked back towards the living area and flipped off the light that Justin had turned on.

"I meant it when I said that he reminded me of you." Justin called out from the bedroom and watched as the naked man approached him. "If I had to describe you two to someone, besides you being a little bigger and maybe a little taller, the description would sound pretty much the same." Justin felt the bed shift under him as Brian got in on the other side.

"What about me being way better looking?" Brian offered him a coy smile.

"You're right and I'd have also forgotten to describe how much more modest you looked than the other guy." Justin genuinely wasn't amused and he plowed on with describing his impressions. "It's just that, apart from looking alike, I sort of saw how you weren't any different from him. You were both strangers. You were a stranger to him just like he was a stranger to you. You could have ended up dead on a heap and as far as he knew, so could he."

"What's your point?"

"Same one you made last night. Anything could have happened to me that first night and anything could happen to anyone of us, could happen to you. If anything happened to you..." Justin had looked away without finishing his comment and Brian stopped in mid-movement.

"Last night you said you understood all that." He was starting to see that this conversation had taken a turn for the serious. At the very least, Brian had finally caught up to the fact of where Justin's gut and consequently his head were.

"Of course I get it Brian. Like I said, I know who you are and I don't expect you to change. I know how these things work."

As far as his head was concerned, Justin understood and accepted the inherent risk to himself and the effect that Brian's lifestyle could have on Brian and as a result, them. These had been the thoughts that he'd balanced against the way he felt for the man and these had been the thoughts that had come up short in convincing him that Brian wasn't worth it. His feelings had always won out over whatever good sense he still had where Brian was concerned.

...But now another feeling was starting to form. This one was similar to the panic that had begun to set in after Brian had taken to choking him the night before. Brian had wanted to show Justin the danger he'd faced in following a stranger home that first night and Brian had wanted to remind him that he took quite a few risks in staying. Brian had been sure that given what Justin had already lived through, he'd be a prime candidate for understanding this particular lesson. Justin was starting to see that the danger and the excitement were a turn on, but he'd also figured out that in the cold hard light of day, as exciting as they were, the risks were still dangerous.

Brian was shifting closer to him now and Justin inhaled the scent that he'd come to identify as distinctively Brian; cigarettes and conditioner, Jim Beam and Wrigley's gum, aftershave and cum. He'd adjusted himself against his pillow as Brian rolled over on to him and he'd spread his legs slightly so that they'd be more comfortable. Justin closed his eyes as Brian kissed him and he relished the fact that even though he could smell the other man all over Brian, he didn't taste anyone else on Brian's lips but himself.

Everyday brought him a new lesson and as Justin opened his mouth to Brian's kisses, he filed this one away as well. There had never been a more dangerous time to fuck a stranger and for that reason in Brian's eyes, there had never been a 'hotter time' to fuck one either.

Justin would either live with Brian's choices or he wouldn't.

Brian sensed this new development in Justin's assessment of the situation and he decided to up the stakes in terms of the words he would let Justin hear him say. On a reality scale, he knew Justin was somewhere between being genuinely all right with the way things stood and putting on a brave face for the troops. He'd attempted to soothe Justin as he left him outside Babylon earlier by promising him that he'd be alright and now Brian would make a second attempt at soothing Justin's reaction to his demonstration of the realities.

"Still wanna take a chance?"

"Yeah." Justin whispered his word without hesitation and Brian smiled.

A warm breath had brushed over Justin's neck and ear as Brian responded to his perseverance. "I'm a safer bet than I let on Justin."

Brian's voice was a low rumble and shivers crossed Justin's spine as he listened to Brian breathe his name. This had been one of the positive feelings that seemed to outweigh the negative ones, the negative thoughts and the negative lessons.