Here is a casual look at "behind the scenes" showing many things and situations - some warm and totally wonderful.... and some otherwise! These vary per store.... and no store will ever rise higher (or sink lower!) that the folks who are running it. Most owners/managers are truly great people, and care very highly for their store(s), and want only the very BEST for their customers and crew.... but a few "lowlifes" have been encountered over my 23 years of working at various McD's around the country, and I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR ANY PERSON THAT NAMES THE NAME OF CHRIST IN VAIN, but will mark him/her as a complete fool and IDIOT, regardless of their age, training/education, or other status!
And now...... for the McWords!
WHAT IS / ARE:
The Clanger (pronounced "CLANG - er") -
The oldstyle bacon tongs for removing bacon from the grill, and they raise a real racket when held high and squeezed ("clanged") together in rapid succession.
Chicken McSubstance -
That beautiful, spicy chicken/onion mix that gives our Chicken Flatbread it's NAME!
Robotic metallica Fractoids -
The small "curlycues" of metal shavings of actual grill-material, caused by the use of a really bad spatula.
Metallacizer -
The person who CAUSES the terrifying event (described immediately above) to occur, by the dreaded MISUSE of a spatula (removing gum from table-bottoms, scraping ice, or attempting to invert it to an upside-down position in feeble, hopeless attempts to scrape the grill, etc).
The Intregretizer Unit -
The digital McGadget that comes out of hiding about once each day, about the time the last egg has wandered back to Yonder Walk-In Device (see below). It's usually yellow in color, and has a needle-shaped probe to check the food temperature, to assure that our food is always #1!!
Yonder Walk-In Device -
The large metal object where cold food is stored. It can seem like a million miles AWAY at times....... during a rush...... and the french fry situation is running dangerously low!
Pre-Whipped Eggular McSubstance -
Also known as an "answered prayer" to all those who all-too-well remember the days when all those eggs were whipped by hand! Thank you Lord for this fantastic McSubstance!!
Critter Fritters -
Any form of chicken, McNuggets, or fish.
Processed Pig Patty Potion -
McRib barbecue sauce.
A Series -
When, after a long pause in drive-thru, a whole line of cars suddenly appear from out of seemingly nowhere.
Keenerated (Pronounced "KEENER-ated") -
A dreadful event where someone literally explodes at you with a fit of raging profanity...... over a little misunderstanding usually!
"Paper Doll" Bacon -
Bacon - when carelessly cooked - comes off the grill in such a manner that when one piece is picked up, the other seven come with it!
Bacon stitching -
Oops! A piece of bacon breaks in two while you're putting it on the grill. No problem! Simply overlap the broken ends slightly before closing the grill..... and PRESTO! A perfect piece of bacon every time :-)
"Preemie" Fries -
This is what you end up with when someone is too much "in a hurry" to wait for the timer, and they pull the fries up too early, thus serving the customer really bad, heavy, greasy, white (really bad, and inedible!) fries.
Meeting Jitters -
The nervous feeling one gets when the managers call a big meeting amongst themselves, and you can't help but wonder if they're out there taking your name in vain.!
"Fishgut" Reviews -
The horrible act of management, upon your review day, to totally destroy you verbally by pouring out every single bad thing you have ever done - even silly little things you don't even remember - all for the sole purpose of keeping your hard-earned raise in the pocket of the big greedy corporation, rather than into the hands of the people who worked so hard to make it possible in the first place!
A "Pug Joint" -
This is the store you usually walk into sometime after 10 PM, and the gangsta rap is blaring (complete with all the profanities!) throughout the restaurant, and the place is filled with all sorts of shady characters......... and you wonder if you'll get mugged while standing there in line while waiting for your hamburger!
Breakfast Angels -
She comes along only about once every ten years...... like someone of a fairytale-dream, and when you come in to start your morning shift, she has your grill all ready for you, with the equipment clean and ready to use immediately with no "doctoring-up" first, she has everything (including your food cabinets) stocked, and everything perfectly ready for you! Thank you Paige and Melanie (from years gone by) who were my last two wonderful, Heaven-sent Breakfast Angels :-)
The Onionater Device -
The two-pan combo used for onion hydration purposes. (A true McFact: The REAL name of this contraption is called the "Baine Marie" - The bath of Mary! Strange!!)
The Fine Art of Onionry -
Plain and simple - the making of beautiful and delicious perfect onions! Starting with nice cold water, hydrating them perfectly in the Onionater Device, rushing them into refrigeration, draining them before use..... and PRESTO! The perfect onion :-)
The "Jaws" Timer -
The mysterious timer that sounds just before the grill "comes up" (Yup! Just like the giant fish in the movie!), revealing the perfectly-cooked meat patties!
"D"-Duties -
The often-awful task of following in the very footsteps of one who could care less about his/her job, fixing their errors. Examples: Buttering muffins of one who "doesn't find it convenient to do so", seasoning their meat for them, scraping their grill for them - knowing they'll cook on it "dirty" otherwise.... etc, etc, often at the risk of falling behind a little in my OWN job. (The "D" stands for "Dummies"!). Also a note here for the "hopelessly technical": There is a big difference between "D-Duties", and "good ol' fashioned TEAMWORK"!
The Dummy Shaker -
The "extra" salt shaker (filled with meat seasoning) that sits on the prep table, and is used by the kind and caring "sandwich prep person" who seasons every meat pattie directly ON THE BUN...... when there's a "dummy" running the grill - who flatly refuses to season the meat like they're SUPPOSED to!
The Scramblizer Device (pronounced "SCRAMBLE-izer") -
The four-compartment handy-dandy egg scrambler device.
The Egg-Crunchy Removing-Modulator -
Any device (spatula, etc) used for removing unused, cooked egg McSubstance from the grill, which would otherwise find itself in the grease trap.
The Henny-Penny -
The big, pressurized vat in which the chicken products are cooked (Oops!! That was at Wendy's!).
Snarfing -
The highly-illegal act of taking meat (or other product) from the wrong (newer) tray, before the older is used up (A very important McRule: "First IN is the first OUT").
The Anti-Snarfiality Device -
Any object that can be inserted into the opposite side of the cabinet (tongs, nugget scoop, plastic spatula, etc), thus effectively holding the "new" trays in place....... thus FORCING the "snarfer" to use up the older product first (Another "D"-Duty I guess :-)
The Managerial Walkaround Device -
The object from which eminates a tone throughout McDonaldland once every 30 minutes, which heralds a manager to grab a smoke, walk around the outside of the building, and make sure there are no strange goings-on out there!
Walker-By -
A person who walks right past a screaming fry timer without doing anything about it.
Stander-by -
Someone standing right NEXT to a screaming fry timer, and not doing anything about it, with the customers all looking at that person like they are some kind of DUMMY - all wondering "Can they HEAR that??"!!
Pickle-Stacking -
A totally illegal operation, where some careless and thoughtless person throws a wad of pickles onto the bun without separating them first! The old saying goes "Pickles are friends, not lovers"! If two pickles TOUCH a little when on the bun..... perhaps that's ok, but they're surely not LOVERS (I'll let YOU figure that one out!).
Puffy-Whites -
(Usually a "disease" of Big Mac buns) when someone (probably the same person who "stacks" their pickles?!), drops the "thin" part of the bun in the "thick bun" side of the toaster, where the top bun goes, thus creating a big, thick, cold, soggy, white (or BARELY warm and only SLIGHTLY toasted) bun. Also a term used for mostly-white and "bready" English muffins that come out of the toaster barely warm..... and are actualy offered to be SERVED in some stores!
Clackers -
Tongs. Named by the sound they create when clicked together - on purpose - and in rapid succession!
Burnoids -
English muffins or bagels, whose cries for mercy are soon overcomed by the flames of their own self-destruction, as they incinerate deep within the bowels of the toaster, often just out of reach of those who are sent to attempt to "rescue" them.
Blanoids -
Totally unseasoned meat, Filet-O-Fish, or breakfast steaks. (Derived from the word "Bland" = Tasteless). Yes dear friends, life (and especially our food!), is WAY better with a little flavor! This special seasoning consists of (CENSORED).
Velveeta McSubstance -
Blocks of cheese that sat out for too long, and formed themselves into impossible-to-use, wafer-thin half-acre-sized slices.
Crusty Uppers -
The upper Teflon-coated clamshells that somebody forgot to scrape, after removing meat.
Hard Crunchies -
The gunk that forms on the LOWER part of a neglected (unscraped) grill.
Breakfast Angels -
Very rare and precious INDEED...... She comes along about once every ten years or so, and she has everything so beautiful, stocked, ready, and waiting when you get there - A nice shiny grill, perfect equipment, not plastered with scorched butter and burnt-on "egg crunchies", and she has everything so wonderful upon arrival that one can walk right up to the grill and start cooking, without any major cleanup first! I want to thank you Paige and Melanie for being the perfect "Breakfast Angels".... and now I'm waiting and praying for one to emerge from among the Van Zante stores - which has not happened yet......
An Eggravator -
Some McFoole (silent "E" on "McFoole") who comes along all too OFTEN, and tries to "instruct" me on how to prepare a 'bad" egg! (A Joe-note: I won't cook or serve a bad egg for ANYBODY, and at the same time, if someone invents a BETTER way to cook up a really pretty, fast and perfect, totally beautiful egg, I will "adopt" their method. This has always been my "Egg McPromise", and so far no such person has ever come forth........ and I would rather LOSE MY JOB than to be forced to cook bad food! Believe it or not, this DID happen once. Thank you Eddy Corp. for putting me in the Unemployment line back in 1991!).
Working Underground -
This is the dreaded duty of trying to "hide" (usually from an Eggravator!), and presenting stunningly-beautiful food - only when they're not looking! When they're milling-about, working "underground" is to wait til their back is turned for example, before preparing pretty product :-)
"Coming out of the closet" -
Yippee! The Eggravator has left the kitchen (or the store)! Now I can cook beautiful eggs for example and flaunt them right down the middle of Main Street if I wanted to! It's one thing to "barely get by" with following the procedures of how to cook a satisfactory product..... but it's my pleasure to go that extra mile to produse a pretty, well-presented product that our customers will gladly line-up for!
Sauce Hammock -
The cool little gadget that hangs beneath the upper-part of the Prep Table to hold the sauces for the tortilla wraps mostly.
A "Crunchy Breeder" -
A thoughtless person that purposely closes a "dirty" grill without scraping it first.
McSludge -
The coal-black goo that forms BETWEEN the teflon and the upper clam, if left unscraped.
Puke-ular Material (Pronounced "PUKE-u-lar") -
The sometimes greenish McSubstance that forms in the egg-traps, if they haven't been dumped and sprayed out in several days (Is there a gas mask in the house?!).
The Spritzer (Sometimes pronounced "SH-pritz-er") -
The gizmo that hangs by the back sink that resembles a showerhead, and emits a spray of water, used for dishes usually (and sometimes during "McSilly" times....... used as a high-tech water pistol........ but not by ME though!).
The "Fry-Swatter" -
The all-metal, flyswatter-shaped McObject, which is used for skimming the surface of the cooking oil in the vats, thus creating a prettier (food) product by removing all the little "crunchies", and is sometimes sent to rescue any fries that "jumped OVERBOARD".
Slimy Liners -
The horrid creatures (made of paper, and various McSludge), that live in the bottoms of the meat trays, left thoughtlessly in place by careless (or sometimes very BUSY) persons who just "toss them under the table". (A disclaimer: A practice seen in some stores where the freshly-empty tray is handed back to the cook, thus showing what item was once there by looking at the liner).
Slimy-Liner Depository Devices -
The large trashcan-shaped objects that lurk throughout the kitchen, that are way more than EAGER to gobble up any "used" meat-tray liners, before they become dreaded Slimy Liners!
Broomage -
The accumulation of McDebris swept away from time to time, thus keeping the floor visable.
The "A" Tool -
The hard-egg-covered plastic device that's usually plastered with dried-on egg McFragments, and is often used for gently removing breakfast steaks (or scrambled eggs) from the tray. The "A" stands for "Abominable" - relating to the condition of the poor thing........... nearly covered with hard, cold, "used" egg McSubstance (and sometimes onions??!) much of the time. (A disclaimer: I keep it CLEAN when I use it!)
Eggions -
An occasional onion that stayed from a steak bagel, and wandered into somebody's Big Breakfast! (See "'A' Tool" above).
Invisi-Pepper -
The impossible-to-see pepper that's now pre-mixed into our newfangled Burrito mix. (This "new" Burrito mix is truly ANOTHER answered prayer............ remembering all-too-WELL the days that "used to be", when we cooked it ourself - which took a lot of time to do - during our ALREADY-busy breakfast! Thank you Lord for this delightful new McSubstance!!).
Mumblese (pronounced "mumble-EZE") -
A McLanguage spoken by some - too fast and at the same time too faint - to be clearly understood over the roar of screaming timers and various other McNoise. "WHAT'D he just say??". Also, a closely related language - known as Grumbleze (pronounced "grumble-eze") - is often spoken by some...... and you don't even want to KNOW what they just said!
The "Maintenance man BOP" -
This is caused when the maintenance man shuffles along to some point close behind you, stops for a moment...... and pauses. Then he decides to turn and go back the other way. Quite often you're busy and in a hurry, and simply don't know he's standing directly behind you.... and you back-up, turn around...... and BOP!
The Suctionator Device (Pronounced "SUCTION-ater") -
Another "answered prayer"! It's the hose used to insert into the grease traps, and suck out all the McSludge - thus sparing an awful mess of removing the entire filled-to-the-very-TOP grease trap, and watching McSlop go all over the floor, like what USED to happen "back in the DAY"!
The Chickenizer Unit -
The handy-dandy little contraption that fits down inside a tray, so that water can be added below it, and when Grilled Chicken (or Canadian bacon, or bagel ham) is placed upon it, it stays moist and FRESH!
The Lemonater Mechanism -
The totally cool metal device that speedily chops a lemon into perfect wedges for Iced Tea.
Crusticles -
The dried-on particles left on so-called "clean" dishes, after being washed by somebody who must have been having a bad day!
The handy dandy Super-Duper Chicken Chopper -
The plastic-handled metal McGadget cleverly designed to chop Grilled and Crispy chicken for McD's great new salads.
McScratchers -
The coarse, green (sometmes black) pads that usually "live" near the Spritzer, and will turn the towels to confetti if carelessly washed with them.
Handloids (Pronounced "HANDLE-oids") -
Careless folk who have no regards to things like "sanitation" or "cross-contamination", and this refers to those who do a complete sweep/deck scrub/mop, smoke a cigarette, use the restroom, go outside awhile, run out the garbage...... then return to the kitchen...... then say "I don't HAVE to wash my hands! Seeeeeeeee??! I still have my GLOVES on"!
This ALSO refers to the sloppy folk (who work there) that walk in (not so) fresh off the street (And who KNOWS where their hands have been??!!), and immediately start grabbing at the items on the Prep Table in attempt to make their own food with their dirty hands........ and when confronted with it....... they come up with this lame excuse: "But it's for ME"! (A Joe-Note: I don't care if it's for the President, the Pope of Rome, or the Queen of England....... If their hands aren't properly WASHED........ it's "NO TOUCH"!!!).
Bluebirds -
The frozen state of McChicken patties, which comes in a blue bag...... Not to be confused however with "Redbirds" (Spicy chicken which comes in a RED bag).
Timer Conversationalists -
Folks who are normally very silent - hardly saying a WORD - that is until timers all around them start shrieking........ then these folks suddenly become real "chatterboxes", often attempting to carry on long conversation......... all the while refusing to hit the button(s) right beside them, thus stopping all the "noise" so they could otherwise be heard much more easily!
Wimpy-Dabs -
Tiny little portions of product (mustard, ketchup) placed on the sandwich by uncaring folks who are too lazy to apply the full (proper) amount.
Bun Whapping -
The false impression that pounding on the toaster will make the buns come out faster!
Blodules -
The huge, golfball-sized globs of grease that develop in the washing machine, from washing totally oily towels, and rinsing them in "cold rinse"
"Courtesy" Pickles -
A "secret stash" of pickles hidden away by the person placing the meat on the burgers, so he/she'll always have extra pickles, in the event the "lazy bum" running the prep table decides to put "just one pickle" on every sandwich that gets pickles, instead of the regular amount!
Shot-Wasting -
A bad and expensive habit of shooting sauce (Mac, Tartar, Mayo, etc) into the trash can whenever a new container of sauce (called an "Ultrakan") is placed within the sauce gun when the old one runs out.
Surge -
The huge rush of people - sometimes insanely overwhelming - that walks in all wanting breakfast items five minutes before lunch, thus sometimes causing storewide panic.
The "Dummy" Line -
The relatively useless line on the Ultrakan boxes that says "Tear here to inspect".
Inspect for what? In all my years there, I have never "inspected" these...... and if I DID, what would I be looking for anyways?? To see if the manufacturer forgot to put bottoms on the Ultrakans??
Chickanomoly -
Any accident or unusual event concerning chicken, like when two pieces cook side-by-side in the basket, thus getting totally stuck after being cooked, or when both ends of a bag are opened, causing the pieces in the bag to fall out when the bag is removed from the reach-in freezer.
Mummified state of Plasticity -
Huge "mummified" stacks of boxes, all wrapped together in difficult-to-tear clear plastic, as they wander off the truck every five days.
Freddies -
Chicken McNuggets that have been carelessly cooked in the wrong basket (The 3-section, rather than the 4-section basket), to where many of them are crammed side-by-side, thus not cooking right.
Solidified McSlop -
Grease (emptied from the grease trap into buckets in stores that still do it the "old" way), that doesn't get emptied like it should, and hardens into a peanut butter-like state that has to be scraped out with a spoon or a stick (A Joe-note: If the bucket is placed in several inches of hot water for a minute or so, the whole thing slides right out!).
The 77-Second Window -
The period of time one has to cook more scrambled eggs or breakfast steaks after the last one in the tray sells..... and until you're holding on the next (even if the last one on the tray sat there for a full ten minutes!). Not to be confused with "The 17-Second Window" - The amount of "private time" you have in the McRestroom to yourself before the NEXT person walks in....... even if there's nobody in the entire lobby when you decide to go in there.
Scuffage -
The hard-to-remove black marks that lurk on the walls in places like the office or D.T. window, wherever there's "shoe-to-wall" contact.
Thermal Idiot -
The absolutely idiotic moron that should have never been hired in the first place, who thinks it's "fun" to adjust the freezer ("sabotage" is more like it!) temp, in vain effort to ruin the contents therein.
A Chorus -
A natural "crowd phenomena", when a large crowd is in the making. First the small ones come in..... then bigger and bigger ones..... with great BIG ones bringing up the rear, thus giving one a false impression of looking "uphill" when the crowd is viewed from the kitchen for example, almost like looking at a choir!
Decinnamonizing (Pronounced "de-CINNAMON-izing")-
The little trek one makes to the sink after putting pies in the oven to remove "cinnamon dust" from one's hands before returning to their work station. (Not to be confused with "Decornacating" [pronounced "de-CORN-a-cating"], which is a very SIMILAR procedure one does after handling English muffins with moist hands).
Polarized Bacon -
Bacon, when placed on the rack, is placed on the rack facing East-West, so it won't fall thru the North-South-facing holes and die an oily death, just out of reach in the grease below.
A "Fool's Deal" -
A horrifying - yet thankfully rare event - that occurs when some IDIOT comes along about once a decade and says something like: "Don't talk to ME about my terrible, inedible food product! If I see you lay even ONE EXTRA PIECE of meat on that grill, I'll produce FOREVERMORE the worst food this store has ever SEEN, and the customers will all go running out of here choking!", or some OTHER excuse for them to produce bad food product (I have lost my job more than ONCE over the years, when they hire-in some McManiac that comes in and takes over the place!).
Defuzzicating (Pronounced "de-FUZZ-a-cating") -
A process one goes thru before putting on the McShirt before work, thus examinining it for every loose hair and stay bit of stray fuzz and removing all such items before putting it on, to avoid contact with food (A strange McFact: It seems any bit of loose hair worn into work seems to find its way into the food somehow.... no matter how careful we are, so get out there and DEFUZZICATE before coming to work :-).
Stockroom Blackout -
Making a mad dash to the stockroom to grab that badly-needed item...... just to totally forget what you went there for the split second you finally GET there!
"Duty-FREE" Product -
Simply PERFECT PRODUCT! Beautiful ready-to-serve food items that are ready as-IS, Examples: Muffins that are toasted and ready..... and buttered, or meat that is seasoned and ready for the bun, or pretty eggs that don't need any "doctoring" first by the removal of Brownoids.
Brownoids -
The dark brownish-yellow hard McSubstance that forms on the egg cooking equipment when thoughtlessly left on the hot grill when not in use.
McWidget -
The strange gadget that lurks in every store that nobody seems to know what it's used for!
Dingbats -
Folk who ruin both spatula and grill by whamming (or "dinging") the corner of the spatula into the grill, thus causing a lot of damage to both in futile effort to remove debris from the spatula blade.
Dingbattery -
Plain and simple...... damage caused by the above act! Such thoughtless damage causes even MORE damage to the tools used on the grill, such as the spatula and scraper, by causing nasty nicks to be taken out of them whenever the "dings" are passed over while cooking or cleaning.
The Eskimo Shuffle -
Any attempt tp retreive ice cubes to fill the drink machines.
Poly Blues -
The totally cool little gloves that hang out near the grill, used to avoid cross-contamination from raw meat to other product or areas.
Cow's Revenge -
Any injury caused by a piece of meat (Example: Getting cut on a sharp edge of a frozen meat patty).
The "Tally Ho" Telephone -
The way the telephone, in many stores, after the fourth ring or so, begins to ring "Olde English" style!
PLEASE NOTE: This page is never really "finished", as other items of interest are constantly making their way onto here!
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