Disclaimer – None of the characters in the following story belong to me. They are the sole property of Showtime and Cowlip. No money was made from the production of this piece of fiction. This is only one of the several results of making an obsessed fan wait 10 months and 3 weeks for the season premiere.
Title – Just Breathe
Rating – PG
Summary – Brian wakes up one night with a yearning he has never felt before.
I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(So much more)
I lay dying,
And I'm pouring
Crimson regret, and betrayal.
I'm dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
Screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
(. . .)
My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries for deliverance.
Will I be denied?
Christ! Tourniquet! My suicide.
(Return to us salvation)
(Return to us salvation...)
~ Evanescence
Just Breathe
Brian didn’t know where he was, only had a vague and eerie notion that he had been there once before. Justin’s hand was locked within his own and together they walked aimlessly into the foggy, ghostlike background. He could hear his lover’s voice but could not understand what he was saying. Brian could tell that he was happy however; he’d be able to recognize that unique smile out of a crowd of thousands.
As Justin continued to lead him, he found that his legs had ceased to follow his commands. The younger man attempted to pull him along by tightening his grip on his hand but eventually he turned back, kissed him warmly on the mouth, and continued on alone. Brian marveled at how heavy his limbs had become and he soon found himself on his knees – unable to stand any longer.
When he looked up from his place on the cool ground, he saw a strange black shadow. It seemed freighting familiar, like his surroundings, yet he was unable to determine precisely what it was - but as it moved towards Justin, who was unaware of what was happening, he yelled out a silent warning. His voice was gone and no matter how many times he fought to scream, he remained mute and felt the tears of panic come into his eyes as Justin was quickly overtaken.
Digging his nails into the harsh cement he fought to crawl his way to where his partner now lay curled on the ground in a pool of liquid scarlet. The creature who’d struck him down with such violence suddenly turned, presenting Brian with a silver flash of teeth, and vanished.
As he continued to crawl, he himself became stained with blood. It covered his hands and body as if it were air. Somehow, he managed to reach Justin and as he turned him onto his back, the blood rushed from the wound in his head like a great morbid waterfall.
*******************************************************************************
Lurching up in bed, Brian woke to discover himself covered in a thin film of sweat. His naked chest was heaving and as he looked to his left he felt panic begin to come up in his throat once more.
He wasn’t there.
He was gone.
No . . . he’d hadn’t come at all tonight.
Reaching to his nightstand he grabbed his cell phone and pressed his number. Bringing the receiver to his ear he listened.
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
Fucking pick up.
Ring.
Ring.
"Hello?"
His voice was groggy and muffled. In his ears he sounded weak and injured . . . then he took a look at the clock.
4:12 A.M.
"Hello?"
His voice was caught in his throat.
He couldn’t speak.
He couldn’t breathe.
"Brian?"
He blinked and gasped softly as the air filled his lungs.
"Brian . . what’s wrong? Are you OK?"
"I . . ."
His voice was tight and dry.
"I . . . uh . . .I was . . ."
He couldn’t finish. The tears were coming up into his eyes.
"Brian? Brian, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Brian?"
Justin’s voice was coming quicker.
"No I just uh . . .you . . . do you wanna come over?"
Silence.
"Brian, it’s almost 4:30 in the morning."
"I know . . . I’m sorry. . . I wasn’t thinking . . . I didn’t want to wake you . . . I just . . ."
"It’s OK, Bri. Just tell me you’re all right."
Brian closed his eyes against the salty water.
"I can’t . . .I’m not."
He heard Justin’s intake of breath and continued before the younger man could speak up.
"I’m gonna come get you."
"Are you OK to drive? I can borrow Daph’s car and drive over."
"No, I’ll come get you."
Silence.
"OK, Bri."
Click.
*************************************************************************
Justin stood pacing the room over and over again waiting for Brian to either show up or call. He fought the urge to smoke or bite his nails and just continued working his feet into the carpet, occasionally wringing the bottom of his oversized white shirt. When he finally heard the closing of a car door, he almost ran outside.
Brian was coming up the walkway towards him.
His hair disheveled.
An old pair of black jeans and a loose brown shirt covered his body and his eyes seemed both exhausted and determined.
Justin came towards him – his bare feet moving across the cold cement.
"Brian?" He seemed to question.
The taller man opened his mouth as if to speak but when their eyes met he stopped and merely wrapped his arms around him. Justin was startled but not shaken and strongly returned the gesture. He could feel Brian’s body trembling softly as he slightly pulled away and planted a lingering kiss on his forehead.
"You ready?"
Justin looked up at him.
"Yeah . . . yeah, just let me grab some things and leave Daphne a note so she doesn’t freak out in the morning."
Brian swallowed and followed Justin inside the small apartment. Justin gestured for him to be quiet so they didn’t disturb his sleeping friend and as Justin went into his room and reached for a piece of paper Brian took hold of his arm.
"You know what? Never mind. Let’s just stay here."
Justin’s eyes widened a bit.
"Stay here?"
"Yeah, it’s fine."
Silence.
"Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go back to your - "
Brian nodded several times with what seemed like nervous energy.
Or anxiety.
"Um, OK."
Brian toed off his shoes but left the remainder of his clothes on and his took Justin’s hand and walked over to the twin sized bed he slept in. Lying down on his side he gestured for Justin to lie down beside him. Once their bodies were pressed together, Justin leaned in and connected their lips. Brian seemed to breathe into him and ran his fingers into Justin’s long blond hair but when Justin’s hands began to travel down the side of his leg he pulled away slightly.
He hadn’t come here for that.
Justin’s eyes showed confusion and questioning but also understanding.
Brian pressed his face into his neck and nudged at him until Justin re-posited himself so that Brian could press up against his back. One arm around his chest and the over residing over his head, Brian took hold of him. Justin’s soft sleeping pants rubbed up against the denim behind him as he sought to entangle their feet. The heat from their bodies resonated through the tiny bed and Justin felt his heart beat quicken.
Brian rested his face close to his shoulder blades so that Justin could feel his breath on the back of his neck and sought out his fingers with his right hand. Justin leaned back further into him and sighed.
Everything vanished.
All the troubles they faced together and apart.
His dad screaming at him.
What Daphne’s reaction would be when she came in to wake him in a few hours.
His guilt for breaking up his family.
Getting thrown out of art school.
Brian getting fired.
Stockwell.
Ethan.
Chris Hobbes.
Everything vanished.
There was only the tiny bed, the strong arms around him and the breath on his neck.
"Justin?"
It was all he could do to mutter an intelligible response.
He was so close to falling back into sleep.
"You know, don’t you?"
Justin tightened the grip on their fingers and pulled them up to his mouth.
He kissed one of Brian’s knuckles.
"Yeah, Brian. I know."
The End.