Seraphim

With a loud groan Justin slapped the alarm clock off and opened his eyes to the slight sunlight streaming through the blinds. Early morning classes were the worst, but at least his evenings were free. Not that he normally took advantage of that. He found himself going out less and less lately, he felt like a stranger in the vibrant, rainbow colored streets, like an outcast. Pushing those thoughts out of his mind he crawled out from underneath the warm covers and padded to his bathroom. As strange as it was living all alone it was nice to feel so independent. After things had ended with Ethan he felt too liberated to return to his mother or Debbie. Brian was out of the question. Fortunately he had been able to find a small, one-bedroom apartment that he could afford with his share of the money he and Michael were generating from "Rage". What he was going to do when the book ceased to be lucrative was beyond him and he didn’t like to think about it. He and Michael had been eventually able to resolve their differences in order to continue the book and the second issue was finally due out next month.

Justin however acted solely as the artist as he no longer had any desire to contribute to the story based on his failed relationship with Brian. The young man still found himself thinking about his former lover more than he would have liked to. That was inevitably the reason he parted ways with Ethan. He wasn’t being fair to either one of them by remaining in a relationship with Brian, even if it was unconscious and even unwanted. Ethan had understood and despite Justin’s intent feelings that it wouldn’t work out, the two students had managed to remain friends. As the blond bent to turn on the shower he heard the ringing of his phone and moved to answer it.

"Hello? . . . hey mom . . . fine . . . why . . . mom, what’s wrong? . . ."

Every muscle in Justin’s face relaxed as his entire complexion paled.

"Yeah, I just . . . . are you okay? . . . no, I’m all right, I just-I just need a minute . . . okay, I’m gonna come over . . . yeah, I love you too, bye."

As soon as Justin placed the phone back in the cradle his legs gave out from under him and he fell to the floor. With trembling hands he covered his face and wept with sobs that shook his entire frame. His father was dead. Killed in a head-on collision going home from work last night. The doctors didn’t think he’d hold on as long as he did. His father was dead, gone forever, and Justin sobbed as he imagined him going to his grave hating him for who he was. He hadn’t spoken to his father since he’d moved out and the last thing he’d heard from him was that he was no longer going to pay for his schooling. Nothing since then, not one word between them, not even when he was in the hospital, and now he was gone. When his body ceased to convulse Justin managed to climb to his feet and into the shower, letting his tears wash away with the warm water.

"Oh my God, Jennifer I’m so sorry," Debbie said sympathetically into the phone. "Look, if you need anything at all just left me know . . . of course, yes, I’ll keep an eye on him . . . all right, take care sweetheart."

With a loud sigh Debbie hung the phone up.

"What’s wrong?" Michael asked looking up from his breakfast at the diner counter

"Craig Taylor died this morning," she confessed sadly.

"Justin’s dad?" Michael responded unable to think of anything else.

"Yeah," she confirmed. "Poor kid."

"Well, it’s not as if the guy was ever nice to him or anything," Michael commented. "He did throw him out of the house and kicked the shit out of Brian."

"I know," she said. "That’s why I think Sunshine’s going to take it so hard."

The sound of the diner door opening made her look upwards as Brian walked towards them and upon getting no greeting took a seat next to Michael at the counter.

"Jesus, who died?"

With an annoyed look, Debbie looked him square in the eyes but before she could scold him Michael spoke.

"Justin’s dad."

Brian’s heart missed a beat and his features slackened.

"When?"

"This morning," Debbie informed him.

After a long moment of silence, she spoke up again.

"You know, you can ask about him, it doesn’t make you human," she added in angry tone before she took the coffeepot and moved to re-fill some patron’s mugs.

"Have you heard from him? Brian softly questioned to Michael.

"I just found out five seconds before you did," his friend answered. "Why don’t you call him?"

As relieved as he was that the two men had eventually parted ways he knew that if anyone could get Justin’s true feelings out and comfort him it was Brian. Besides, Brian and Justin sadly shared similar relationships with their fathers and the boy was no doubt feeling what Brian did when Jack died.

"It’s not my business," Brian defended. "If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me."

"Yeah, well maybe it should be your business," Michael said as he moved to leave. "Christ, Brian, his dad died. I would have thought you of all people would have understood what he may be going through."

Watching his best friend leave the hazel-eyed man suddenly recalled Justin arguing with him over two years ago not to give away his parental rights. Trying to convince him that no matter what his own father said or did to him he must have loved him. It was very clear that Justin had strong feeling about a son’s relationship with his father. Now, his was gone and unless things had changed between them and Justin never told him, things probably had not ended well between them. Picking up his briefcase, Brian left without ordering anything and moved to the door.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Taylor?"

"Yes?"

"It’s Brian."

On the other end of the line Brian hesitated nervously.

"Yes, hello Brian."

"Um, I just wanted to see if you both were all right, if Justin’s okay?"

Jennifer sighed as she listened to him. Despite the fact that she still was still uncomfortable with the relationship that the older man had once had with her son, she was happy that he had called. It helped convince her that Justin had meant something to him, that he harbored genuine feelings even though their turbulent relationship had ended months ago.

"We’re fine, thank you," she answered.

"Is he there?" Brian asked after a pause.

"He is Brian, but . . . I don’t think now is the best time."

Brian pushed it no further.

"It’s okay, will you just tell him I called and, if he needs to, he can talk to me."

"I will, thank you," Jennifer said quickly before she said "good-bye" and hung the phone up.

"Was that him?"

The woman turned to find her son standing behind her in the doorway. Despite his reddened eyes he still gave off a natural radiance that she had never before seen in another human being.

"I just wanna know if he called," Justin added when his mother hesitated in answering.

"Yes," she answered. "That was him."

"What did he say?"

Jennifer moved closer to her son and held his hand tightly in comfort.

"He wanted to know if you were all right, how you were doing."

Justin lowered his eyes for a moment.

"Sweetheart, how are you?" she asked.

It seemed that everything had happened so quickly that they had only had time to cry and embrace, not to truly ask how the other was dealing with the sudden tragedy.

"I don’t know," Justin began. "I still can’t believe it."

Justin let him mother hug him gently and when they pulled away the young man had tears in his eyes again.

"Mom, I’m gonna go for a walk."

Jennifer looked at him closely.

"All right, just be careful Justin."

Her son mumbled an affirmative response and after kissing her on the cheek moved to the door. As he vanished his mother had a feeling she knew exactly where her son was going to end up.

Feeling the unfamiliar fingers run down his body Brian suddenly came to realize that for perhaps the first time in his life, getting a random blowjob in the backroom of Babylon wasn’t going to make the feelings he had go away. He was beginning to feel physically sick and as the man moved to kiss his lips he moved his head to the side and pushed him away.

"Hey!" the abandoned man called out angrily. "Where the fuck do you think you’re goin’?"

Brian ignored him and moved to the door. Almost as soon as he was outside his knees buckled and leaned into the wall for support. Everything was spinning and his stomach churned with a nauseating precision. Placing his hands on his knees he tried to gain control of his body but fell back against the brink once again as his head became light. He could feel the strangers’ eyes on him as they walked by but no one spoke a word to him. After a long moment he tested gravity again and gently walked back to his jeep.

Brian leaned his weight against the elevator as it slowly crawled its way up the building. There was nothing he wanted to do more than to lie down and let his sudden sickness pass over his. When his door finally came into view and the lift stopped with a careful jolt his stomach sank as he spied the young blond man waiting, hands in his pockets, eyes downcast. Everything was closing in on him but he heard his own voice before he realized that his lips had moved.

"Justin?"

The younger man raised his head and looked blankly at him, briefly feigning a smile as he struggled to find something to say to the man with whom he had not spoken to in what seemed like ages.

"You hear?" he asked timidly.

"Yeah," Brian answered, nodding his head once quickly. "I’m sorry."

Again Justin tried to smile a little but failed.

"I, uh," he hesitated. "I went for a walk and I made my way here . . . out of habit I guess."

Finally the boy did managed a genuine grin before he continued.

"I wanted to talk to you. I mean, if you don’t mind. It’s just, you know what it’s like and I haven’t been able to - "

Brian stopped him with a raise of his hands as he heard Justin’s voice falter and came towards him, wrapping his long, comforting arms slowly around his slight frame. After a moment Justin slid his arms around him as well and buried his face in Brian’s shoulder as his body shivered. Brian sighed against him, running his fingers into his blond locks that had grown noticeably longer since they had parted, and did his best to soothe his muffled cries.

"It’s all right," he whispered. "Shhhh."

The older man moved his hand to the youth’s back when Justin pulled away and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"I’m sorry," he breathed.

Brian smiled sadly and took his arm.

"Come on," he urged. "Come inside."

Justin followed close behind him as he walked into the loft for the first time since he’d come to collect his belongings to move in with Ethan. When Brian slid the door shut Justin felt an awkwardness that he had not experienced since the first night he’d meet Brian. Feeling strangely weak Justin lowered himself onto the couch and kept his eyes locked on the floor as Brian moved to sit beside him.

"He hated me," Justin whispered as his eyes filled with tears again. "He died hating me."

"Justin," Brian began. "He didn’t hate you. . . me on the other hand . . ."

Brian watched the slight gleam return to the cobalt eyes as Justin laughed just a precious little and then shut his eyes, releasing tears that had been on the brink. Reaching forward, Brian smoothly thumbed the salty drops away and slid his arm around his shoulder.

"He didn’t hate you," he repeated.

"Things ended so badly Brian," Justin continued. "The last time I even heard about him was when mom said he wasn’t going to pay for PIFA anymore. He never even came by to see me when I was in the hospital . . . "

Brian looked away as Justin stopped for a moment to take in a large breath.

"Or when I got out," he added. "He didn’t care. He never said anything about what happened, about the trial, nothing."

Pushing the lump down his throat Brian loosened his grip on his shoulder and slid his hand down to his back, pulling him closer against his body and resting his chin on the top of his head. Even as the conditions were now the older man felt so natural holding him like that, like things used to be.

"Justin, you have to believe me when I tell you that your father couldn’t have hated you," he urged gently. "Yes, he may not have been too happy with who you were and who you – who you loved, but regardless you were still his son and he did love you. All of his disapproval of you, trying to get you away from it, away from me, was meant to keep you safe."

Slowly the blond nuzzled his cheek against Brian’s chest and pulled his legs up under him as he felt himself relax under Brian’s familiar fingertips.

"What about your dad?" he very quietly questioned. "How do you think he felt about you when he died?"

Brian lowered his lips to the golden strands and closed his eyes.

"I don’t know," he breathed. "With all the shit we went though, all the problems . . ."

He paused and Justin held his breath.

"I don’t know."

Justin slowly exhaled and made no attempt to push it further. The warmth of Brian’s body pressed against his calmed him more than he thought possible and the young man struggled to push back the tender nostalgia that came unbidden. Concentrating on Brian’s fingers as they slowly caressed his back, Justin closed his eyes once more and felt himself surrender to the soothing rhythm of his heart.

Justin’s eyes snapped open and he felt the moisture in his palms as he touched them to his forehead. He couldn’t shake the vivid color of the dream from his mind. Looking to the large window in front of him the young man saw the orange and pink sky and cursed himself under his breath for having slept for so long. His mother was going to be panicked. Carefully Justin disentangled himself from Brian’s arms and silently rose to his feet. As he straightened his clothes he looked into Brian’s sleeping face and felt such gratitude towards him. Smiling, he leaned in and kissed him delicately on the temple before he whispered a soft "thank you" and turned, soundlessly leaving the loft.

It seemed like the only sound in the world that evening was the steady click of Brian’s shoes as they repeatedly touched the gray concrete. Almost immediately after he had woken up alone he’d gone out in search of him. That is, after he was certain that Justin was indeed gone, flown away without a trace. All though he knew where the tiny apartment the boy owned was located, he figured that he would be spending at least a few nights with his mother and sister at Jennifer’s home. He had parked his jeep a ways down the street and opted to walk the rest of the way and as the white building finally came into view Brian continued to walk until he was able to see the small window he knew to be a part of Justin’s room. The white blinds were drawn shut and Brian could only make out the shadow of his desk lamp. For the life of him Brian could not understand why he had truly come. Perhaps to assure himself that he had gotten home safely.

But he could have simply called.

It was then that he caught Justin’s unmistakable form walk near the window. He watched with heightened interest as the black figure moved into the light’s path and raised a hand up to the left and pulled the blinds up in one smooth movement. Brian had no idea why he had chosen that exact moment to open the blinds but when their eyes meet from across the small yard all the feelings resurfaced from earlier when he came home to find the boy waiting for him. Feeling as if he should somehow acknowledge their visual connection, Brian slowly raised his arm and moved his fingers in a languid wave. Immediately Justin performed the same gentle greeting and watched through slightly blurry eyes as Brain turned and walked away.