Chapter 17
Spike stepped out of the
bathroom pulling up a pair of navy blue sweat pants. He left them hanging low
on his hips as his hand moved upwards to scratch at his growling belly. He
opened his mouth to take a crack at Buffy, because she had left him alone in
bed again. And he, really, hated waking up without her there.
But she wasn’t in the
kitchen like he assumed she would be. The living room was empty. He glanced
back in the bedroom but she wasn’t there. He hurried to the patio to see if she
was there but it, too, was empty. Confused he looked around the small
apartment. The front door was firmly locked, the chains still looped across.
So, she hadn’t left. He remembered her hiding in the bathtub at the hotel and
took off to search there.
A small sob tore through the
silence, making him turn around. He looked back at the door leading to his tiny
laundry room. Another strangled cry reached him and he ran to pull the door
open. Buffy was there, curled up on top of the washer, the phone at her feet,
and her arms wrapped around her legs. She didn’t look up at him.
“Buffy, what’s wrong?” Spike
murmured, reaching for her.
She pulled away from him,
shrinking back into the wall. “Don’t touch me,” Buffy shrieked. “Please, don’t
touch me.” This time it was a quieter plea.
Spike threw his hands up and
backed up into the dryer. He took a small hop so that he was sitting on top of
it.
“Will you talk to me?”
“No, I just…please, leave me
alone,” Buffy moaned, her hands going to clutch at her head. “I’m so confused.”
“Well, let me help…”
“No, because it’s you,”
Buffy said. “I have to get out of here.”
She jumped down, taking off
toward the bedroom. He followed slowly. By the time he got there she had
already pulled her suitcase out and was turning to the dresser. Her sobs were
making her movements shaky and she dropped half the clothes she was pulling
out.
“Where are you going to go,
lamb?”
“Away…I have to get away
from here…” Buffy mumbled. “It’s all wrong…I’m all wrong,” she waved one hand
in the air. “This is all wrong…we’re all wrong.”
If it wasn’t so tragic,
Spike would have laughed at the melodrama Buffy was spewing. She continued to
talk to herself as she packed. He was hoping she would wear herself out and
talk to him. But whatever was bothering her was growing in proportion instead
of calming.
“What’s wrong?”
“You,” Buffy screamed.
“Me…this…what are doing?”
“Trying to find out what
happened to Faith,” Spike said. He took a step forward. She didn’t move so he
took another one. “Becoming friends…lovers…whatever we want to be.”
“No, it’s wrong.”
“Why is it wrong? What
happened?” He remembered the phone. Something clicked in his mind and he knew
what or rather who had happened. “Were you talking to your mother?”
Buffy nodded her head as she
wrapped her arms around herself. She sniffled loudly. Spike was tired of it and
he closed the few remaining feet between them. He scooped her up, despite her
protests, and carried her back into the living room. He sat down with his arms
holding her on his lap.
“Now, tell me what she said
that got you this upset,” Spike ordered.
“I called her because I
wanted to find out if I could go back home for a few weeks,” Buffy whispered,
playing idly with the strands of hair on his chest. “She kept asking me why and
I finally said that I wasn’t sure where you and I were going.” The tears
returned in gulping sobs and Spike pulled her closer. She buried her face in
his neck. “It’s not true is it, Spike?”
“You have to tell me what it
is first.”
His arms held her even tighter
while his fingers soothed a circle along her back.
“My mom said that…you wanted
me when I was fourteen. That you had a crush on me, called me Sunshine, and you
sleeping with me was just playing on those fantasies.”
“She is really amazing,”
Spike said, shaking his head. Then the situation took hold of him and he found
himself choking back a sob. He let his head fall back on the couch while he
tried to regain control of his emotions. After several long moments he laughed
and said, “One of these days I am going to strangle that woman.”
Buffy’s eyes grew wide and
he smiled. “Figuratively pet, not literally.” He sighed. “We all called you
Sunshine. Everyone on the force did, not just me. You were the girl we all
wanted to date in high school, the kind of daughter we wanted and the women all
wanted to be like you. You didn’t even realize how much power you had, did
you?”
She shook her head still
staring at him.
“You were the golden girl,”
Spike explained. “The beautiful cheerleader with the heart of gold…almost too
perfect to be real. We all had a crush on you in a way. We were obsessed with
finding you; even us guys on routine patrol were searching. See, if you got
tarnished then it proved that life was really as bad as our jobs tell us it is.
I was protective of you. I didn’t want to let you go. I found you, took the
chains off and carried you out of there. I wanted it all to go away.”
Her fingertips drifted over
his face. “Me, too,” Buffy whispered.
She closed her eyes and he
knew there was something else. Joyce Summers wouldn’t be happy unless she could
dump her poison on everything and everyone.
“What else did she say so
that we can get that explained away, too?” Spike asked with a chuckle.
“This…I’ve read about it
online, too,” Buffy said, softly. She took a glimpse at him through her lashes
before looking away. “Someone who has been…sexually abused can sometimes feel
that the only way they are of any worth is through the act itself.”
Spike felt like he had been
punched in the stomach. He knew where she was going. This was something he
wasn’t sure they could get through.
“My mom says that’s what I’m
doing with you,” Buffy said, pulling away from him. She continued to stay
perched on him but she wasn’t cuddled against him anymore. “I slept with you so
quickly because I think it’s the only way I can get approval from you. She said
that I need to go back to therapy for it before I go to school. That I’ll end up
sleeping with any man that asks…whether I like him or not just because I want
to feel like I’m somebody,” Buffy turned to him. Her expression was beseeching
him to make it better. “But I don’t feel like that. The first time I went to
you, I wanted to feel something. Be pretty; make you happy but not every time.”
She threw her arms around his neck. “I love you so much. It’s why I want to be
with you. I don’t want anyone else to even look at me much less touch me.”
A shudder ran through her
slender body at the mere thought of anyone else wanting her. Spike started to
rock her back and forth. The words he hadn’t been prepared to hear had been
spoken. She trusted him with all of her. She wanted honesty. How could he lie
now?
“Buffy, sit up,” Spike said,
pushing her away. He cupped her cheeks, letting his thumbs wipe away her tears.
“I love you, too. So much that it scares me. Yeah, it happened fast and there
are probably a thousand therapists out there that could give us a bunch of
psychological bullshit about it. But I know what I feel and so do you. What we
are doing isn’t wrong. We’ve both been hurt and we know a good thing when we’ve
found it. Do you understand?”
“You really love me?” She
asked with wonder in her voice.
“Yeah, I love you,” Spike
said, with a smile. “Don’t worry about what everyone else says or thinks. We’ll
work out what’s best for us. Okay?”
She nodded, breaking out in
a smile. Unable to resist the beauty before him, Spike pulled her down for a
kiss. Soon, the world was spinning away and he went to lay her down on the
couch when the alarm clock went off in the bedroom. He glanced up at the VCR
and cursed when he saw the time.
“We need to get ready to go,
don’t we?” Buffy said. Her tiny hands clutched at his upper arms as if she was
afraid he would disappear.
“Yeah,” Spike said, with a
sigh. “Let’s go get this over with then we can worry about us.” She nodded. “Go
take a shower first and I’ll make breakfast.”
“Okay,” Buffy agreed, giving
him a quick kiss before retreating into the bathroom.
Spike headed for the kitchen
and the phone still on the washing machine. Although he had told Buffy the
truth as he saw it, he still needed someone to reassure him. To tell him that
he wasn’t the pervert that Mrs. Summers thought he was. He quickly dialed the
number, relieved when it was Cordelia who answered. Sinking down on the floor,
he unburdened his heart to the only other woman he really trusted.
~~~~~~~
Cordelia carefully laid the
phone on the table next to the couch. She felt fragile, as if she would break
into a thousand pieces if she made the wrong move. Her emotions were turning
inside out, weaving through her heart and lodging in her throat. Spike’s heart
wrenching confessions left the counselor in her reassuring the man. And the
woman in her wanted to hold him until his soul had healed.
The boy he had been was
still alive inside the man. Every insult, rebuke, and rejection haunted his
soul and left him afraid. His love / hate relationship with his mother left him
unsure of how to handle relationships. He was either in too deep or barely
treading shallow water.
Drusilla had coveted Spike,
seducing him into an affair with her. He had fallen head over heels in love
with the sophisticated beauty. There was nothing he wouldn’t have done for her.
To Cordelia their relationship often mirrored the one he had with his mother. He
was the nurturer, the one who handled the problems, the house, and bore the
responsibility of making Drusilla happy. When he needed to be taken care of,
she had left him.
This time, with Buffy, was
different. He was frightened of the feelings he felt, unsure if they were
healthy for him or for her. They were both so damaged that they clung to one
another in an effort to be normal. Together they were a strong unit, their
weaknesses and strengths balancing each other out.
It was what she had told
him. She had carefully laid out her observations in a clinical manner, knowing
he needed that rather than emotions. But she had also reminded him of the
drawbacks of the relationship between the two.
The difference in their
ages, education and life experiences created a gulf that could be breached, but
only with a tremendous amount of work. Could Buffy handle being the girlfriend
or even the wife of a cop? Could he handle being with a college student who
would go through emotional growth spurts the more she was out in the world.
Could he find peace with her parents? And finally she reminded him that they
were presently in a very idyllic situation removed from reality and they might
see things differently when an every day routine was established.
Cordelia wasn’t sure if she
had said the right things or if she had helped or hindered their relationship
with her advice. With a sigh she stood and went to find her own husband. And to
tell him that she would be accompanying the couple to the police station. Both
were in emotional quandaries and she hoped that a calming presence might help
them through this.
~~~~~~~
After having to wait for
awhile on the bench outside Captain’s Roberts office, the trio was finally
shown in. They settled in the chairs that the captain indicated while Kate
perched on the corner of the desk. She smiled at them, especially Buffy.
“Did you get the results?”
Spike asked, wiping his hands on the thighs of his jeans. He was more nervous
than he had previously thought he would be.
“Yes, we did,” Captain
Roberts replied, leaning forward on his forearms. “It’s as Buffy said. The DNA
on the underwear confirms that it was worn by someone other than her.”
“So, what do we do now?”
Buffy asked, reaching for Spike’s hand.
“There’s more,” Kate said,
glancing back at the senior officer and allowing him to finish with the news.
“There was more than one DNA
on there,” Roberts said. “There was also semen from Lance Peterson.”
The small hand wrapped in
his almost broke Spike’s fingers at the news. He placed his other hand on top
of hers to help her through.
“The only bad thing, Buffy,”
Kate said, “We don’t know if they belong to Faith. There is no DNA to match
with it to prove anything.”
“Can’t we see if we can find
her parents or relatives? They might still have something of hers.” Cordelia
asked. “She was pretty young and on the streets. Maybe she left home but was
too old to report as a runaway.”
“No,” Buffy said strongly.
She gave a quick glance to everyone. “What if I’m wrong? I mean, what if they aren’t
Faith’s? We track down her family and tell them we might know what happened but
we’re not sure. Give them hope they might finally have some answers, and yank
it away if I’m wrong. It’s too much to put them through until we know something
for sure.”
“You’re going on the
assumption someone might care,” Spike said, gently. “She might have been a
throwaway or something.”
“And I tried talking to the
Peterson’s,” Kate said. “Myself and my partner went out to their house last
night but they were uncooperative. They’re still claiming he’s innocent.”
“Bollocks,” Spike exclaimed.
“They know he’s guilty just as surely as we do. If they had made him take some
kind of responsibility for his life then he might not be sitting up in that
cell now.”
“I’m afraid we’ve come to a
stand still then,” Roberts said. “Without proof of whose DNA it is, a body or a
confession, we don’t have anything to go on.” He shrugged. “They can’t convict
a man on testimony from someone who has been, well,” He waved his hand then
dropped it on his desk.
“You mean a crazy person,”
Buffy said, straightening up as she finished the Captain’s thought. “You said a
confession, right?”
“What are we going to do?”
Kate asked, with a chuckle. “Walk up to him and ask him.”
“Yes,” Buffy said. “Let me
talk to him. He used to talk to me all the time, rambling on about stuff. Maybe
the shock of seeing me and having me ask about her after all this time might
make him say something he doesn’t intend to.”
“No,” Spike said. “There has
got to be another way.”
“She has a point,” Roberts
said. “It might just work. Either he’ll say something that will give us a
starting point or might jog something in Buffy’s memory that will help.”
“Are you sure you can handle
this?” Cordelia asked leaning over to rub Buffy’s back.
“Yeah,” Buffy nodded.
Spike was furious. How could
they be calmly talking about letting Buffy any where near that monster? She
wasn’t ready for this in spite of what she said. He jumped up, startling the
others with his movement. He turned to face Buffy.
“I said no,” Spike said. “I
won’t allow you to do this. It’s too dangerous.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,”
Buffy shouted, standing to face him. “It’s the only way without possibly
putting Faith’s parents through hell. I can do it.”
“Listen to me, pet,” Spike
said, calmly. He put his hands on her shoulders, rubbing them as he leaned his
forehead on hers. “I’m worried about you. It could send you to that dark place where
I can’t find you.”
“You’ll find me,” Buffy said,
cupping his cheeks. “I trust you to do that but don’t try and stop me. I told
you that I would do this with or without you and I will.”
“Spike,” Cordelia broke
through. “You have to let her try. It’s not your decision to make. It’s hers.
If you try and stop her than you are no better than her mother.”
That stopped him cold. It
was what he was doing. The cop in him knew they were right. All they could do
was hope that she was as ready as she thought she was. If anyone could get
something out of Peterson, it would be Buffy. She was his living trophy and
probably the only one who really knew him.
The man in him admired her
courage in spite of his own reservations. He was scared of losing her but knew
she had to learn to fly on her own. It was time to start letting go. His face
revealed the resignation and helplessness he felt at his decision. He threw his
arms out and said, “I guess we’re going to the prison.”
to be continued…
