Chapter 8
The elation that Spike felt
at the police station had worn off by the time they returned to the apartment.
Three hours sitting in the Emergency Room had sapped the last of his reserves.
He was exhausted. After making sure the front door was locked he headed for his
bedroom. His shoes were kicked off across the living room floor, his shirt was
pulled off and thrown in the direction of the desk chair and he was already
undoing the button on his jeans when he crossed the threshold of his room.
“I’m going to take a nap,”
Spike called, turning to shut the door and found Buffy right behind him holding
his shoes and shirt. He closed his eyes as he rolled his head but she was still
there when he was done. She didn’t say anything but her eyes were speaking
volumes. Stories about need, loneliness and taking risks and he knew it was his
call. He could invite her in or turn her away.
His better judgment deserted
him.
“Come on in, kitten.”
Without waiting to see what
she would do Spike made his way to his bed. He sat down to pull his jeans off
and was ready to just leave them on the floor but Buffy was waiting. He handed
them to her then slid under the covers. She tossed them in the dirty clothes
basket along with his shirt. His shoes were put away in the closet then she
added her own to the neat row. Not caring if he was a voyeur he watched as she
pulled her pants off and tossed them in the basket.
“May I borrow one of your
t-shirts?” Buffy asked, playing with the hem of the one she was wearing. Spike
glanced up at the row of shirts in the closet. She still had plenty of clean
ones and she wore them all too big. Not wanting to make a big deal about it he
told her to help herself. She glanced up at him and then almost defiantly she
pulled her shirt over her head without turning away from his gaze. Her bra was
next and wearing only her panties she closed the closet door before making her
way to the dresser.
Buffy picked a navy blue
t-shirt. He almost wished she wouldn’t and took one last look at the soft
mounds of her breasts before she covered them up. He rolled to his side when
she slid in beside him.
“Does it still hurt?” Spike
asked, running his fingers lightly around the edges of her bandage. They had
put two stitches in her forehead where she had hit it on the bathroom counter.
“Not too much.”
“Good.”
He smiled at her then let
his eyes close. It was tense having her in his bed. The deal had been for her
to sleep on the couch but last night had changed everything. His body wanted
the feel of hers next to him. His heart wanted to hold her. And his mind was
pulling a dictatorship by keeping him where he was. His little voice was
telling that maybe he could come out of this unscathed if he did. He prayed
that sleep would come quickly but it seemed no one was listening to him
anymore. Fingertips danced around his chin then followed his goatee to the
mustache above his lips.
“You don’t like it, do you?”
Spike asked, forcing his eyes open.
“Unh uh,” Buffy said, with a
smile. She dipped her eyes down. “It scratches.”
“Oh, yeah,” Spike said,
leaning over to rub the beard across her cheek. She giggled and he let it trail
across her lips. Her hand closed around his neck, pulling him to where she
wanted him. She kissed him softly.
“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered,
holding him near. “I never meant to hurt you by coming here.”
“It’s okay,” Spike whispered
back. All of a sudden he didn’t want to fight it anymore. “I knew the risks
when I brought you here.”
She let him go.
“I’m sorry about…”
She rolled on her back.
“About what, pet?”
Spike followed her so that
he was leaning over her.
“For getting out of bed last
night,” Buffy said.
“It hurt.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you
but it seems it’s all I’ve done since I’ve been here.”
“Why did you leave?”
It was something he needed
to know. Had it been him? Was she sorry that she had come to him? Was it her?
Could he still reach her?
“I knew I disappointed you,”
Buffy whispered. “I wanted to make you happy but I messed up. Everything was
fine before…before we actually did it. It was you but then…no one’s been inside
me except for him. I kept thinking about him and I…couldn’t be what you wanted
me to be. Nothing went the way I thought it would. I was a failure and I didn’t
think you wanted me to stay.”
“Oh, Luv,” Spike said,
laying his head on her chest with his arm across her middle. “I don’t want you
to be anything or anyone but you. Don’t be with me because you think it’s what
I want.”
“I do want you.”
“Yeah, figured that,” Spike
said with a grin. “It is kind of hard to resist me.”
She giggled again and
slipped her hand down his back. It was good just to lie there and hold her. It
was more comfortable, more honest than the sex they had only hours earlier. He
wished they could stay like that and just drift to sleep but there was
something else they hadn’t talked about.
“Buffy?”
Spike slipped away from her.
He lay back on his side and was relieved when she followed suit. Their hands
automatically entwined. They both wanted to be touching. Their emotional bonding
was slipping into the inevitable physical bonds. He swore that the next time
they made love, they would both be ready.
“You wanted to ask me
something?” Buffy asked, squeezing his hand to bring him out of his thoughts.
“How are you dealing with
the other? About the baby?”
Her eyes closed and then she
blinked a few times.
“I understand why they did
it,” Buffy said in a calm but almost expressionless voice. “And a part of me
knows that I couldn’t have handled it but I hate that he was able to claim someone
else. The baby was an innocent victim in this too. If I had to do it over and I
was able to make a decision then I would probably have it. Give it up for
adoption. Maybe something good would come out of it.”
“You’re something else,”
Spike said. “It’s too bad you weren’t able to make a decision.”
“No one gave me a chance,”
Buffy said. This time tears did slip down her face as her apparent decision to
remain detached failed. She wiped them away with the heel of her hand. “You
were the only one that treated me like I was still in there.”
“What do you mean?”
“I lost everything the day
he took me.”
“You still have you…”
“Bullshit,” Buffy swore. It
was the first time he had ever heard her curse. She pulled away from him and
sat up. Scooting away she leaned against the headboard and crossed her arms. “I
lost everything. No one treated me like I was even there. No one asked me
anything.” She turned her head away from him. “You don’t want to hear this, do
you?”
“Tell me.”
“I wanted you to stay with
me,” Buffy said, running her fingers through his hair and gracing him with a tiny
smile. “But I couldn’t get my mouth to say it. I was alone. They told me what
they were going to do but they never asked. My hair was cut off with a pair of
bandage scissors because it was so tangled. My fingernails were cut off into a
little baggie for evidence.” She took a deep breath. “There wasn’t a part of my
body that wasn’t scrapped or prodded for the rape kit. All I kept thinking
while lying on that table was that I wanted to go home. Take a long bubble bath
then sleep forever in my own bed with Mr. Gordo. He was a stuffed toy I got as
a baby. But no one could see me anymore. I couldn’t find me. I couldn’t tell
them what I was feeling because I was afraid I’d start screaming and never
stop.”
“Come here, Buffy,” Spike
said, opening his arms. “Let me hold you.”
She came to him curling into
his side. He knew she wasn’t done yet but he didn’t want her to feel alone.
Holding her tight, he waited until she was ready.
“I never went home,” Buffy
whispered. “They sent me away. My parents couldn’t deal with my emotions.
Nothing made sense. Sometimes I’d just cry and sometimes I was so angry that I
took it out on whatever or whoever was handy. I refused to say anything. And
most of the time I was just gone to this place where I was safe.” She sighed.
“By the time that I found my way out I didn’t even have my home to go to. My
parents had sold it and moved to Sunnydale. My new room still had my furniture
but all the things I had hung on the walls…all the things that made it mine
were still in boxes. There wasn’t anything left of me.”
“I still see you,” Spike
whispered.
“I know you do.”
She uttered a small sigh,
settled closer to him and he pulled the covers over them. It had been said.
They had found the middle ground they needed and he was content as he let
himself drift off to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~
Spike was alone…again.
Hoping that he was wrong, he
slid his hand across the expanse of the bed but found only emptiness. He
couldn’t stop the heavy sigh of discontent at the confirmation. It shouldn’t
really bother him. Rarely did he even let the women in his life spend the
night. He didn’t want to be emotionally entangled. So, why did Buffy do this to
him? When had she gotten through his defenses? She was only a kid he tried to
tell himself.
Yeah, a kid you slept with…he thought even though he didn’t believe the lie.
There were the soft sounds
of someone padding into the bedroom and he opened his eyes just as the mattress
gave way under her weight.
“Hey,” Buffy said, perched
on the edge of the bed with her hands folded in her lap.
“Hi.”
She was dressed with her
hair flowing loose around her shoulders. Unable to stop himself he ran his
fingers through the soft tresses. It was like liquid gold. A treasure he
couldn’t keep. It was still damp from the shower she must have taken and she
would surely bind it up shortly.
“I woke up and couldn’t go
back to sleep,” Buffy said.
“That’s okay,” Spike said,
letting his hand drop.
He turned his head to the
living room when he heard several meowing sounds. He furrowed his brow as he
looked questioningly up at Buffy.
“I put AOL on your computer
so I could IM Willow. We’ve been talking.”
“Well, I guess you better go
answer her.”
“Are you mad?”
In a way he was. She was
getting to him. He was letting her. She was making herself too comfortable in
his sanctuary. And once again he was letting her. It was him he was mad at
though. He shook his head.
“No. I’m going to go and
take a shower. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Buffy nodded then headed out
to the living room. With another sigh, Spike grabbed some clean clothes before
heading to the bathroom. The shower was a quick one. He only speeded through
the necessities. Considered a quick wank to make himself feel better but
decided against it. It would only confirm his need for her. That was a step he
wasn’t ready for. But only a few minutes later he contradicted himself.
Standing in front of the mirror he gave in.
Spike ran his fingers over
his goatee and mustache.
It scratches…
He reasoned he could always
grow it back when she was gone. If he did shave it off, did that mean he wanted
to kiss her and hold her again? He did. The hero complex was giving way to the
man who only saw a beautiful woman when he looked at Buffy.
Before he could change his
mind he swiped his razor across his chin. It was done and when he was through
he gazed at the man he had tried to hide. His fingers ran through his hair and he
wondered if he’d end up blonde again by the time she left. Maybe she wasn’t
getting through his defenses. Maybe she was knocking them down.
Spike pulled his clothes on
then headed out to the living room. She was still sitting at the desk and he
came up behind her to run his smooth chin across her cheek. She jerked away as
soon as his hand touched her back. A startled look crossed her face then wonder
replaced it. She reached out to run her fingers across his face. They stared at
each for a moment then he kissed her. Not long just enough for her to be able
to compare the sensations.
“Better?”
“Yeah,” Buffy said smiling.
“Thank you.”
It seemed she was thinking
about kissing him some more too. He tried to deny the surge of happiness it
gave him but couldn’t.
“You’re welcome,” Spike said
before heading into the kitchen.
“I made some tuna salad.
It’s in the fridge if you want a sandwich.”
“Thanks,” Spike said over
his shoulder. He pulled out the container and grabbed some bread. A soda was
opened before he started to put his lunch together.
“I told
“Which one was that, Luv?”
“You know the one where you
said it sounded like the other girl had come willingly,” Buffy explained.
“Because she was complaining about being brought to a hell hole.”
“Yeah,” Spike said, opening
a bag of chips to dump on his plate. “What did
“She figures that maybe she
was a runaway or something and that’s why no one knew she was gone.”
“Sounds good,” Spike said,
sitting at the table so he was facing Buffy. “We probably need to search
through the runaway databases and stuff.”
“
“Where does she live?” Spike
asked nonchalantly while staring at his food.
There was a pause before
Buffy answered him.
“Here in
“So, why don’t you invite
her over? It would make it easier, wouldn’t it?”
“It’s okay. I gave her the
description and she’s going to email me the pictures of the girls that match.”
Stonewalled just like he
knew he would be. Buffy was retreating again. It wasn’t that he really blamed
her after the last couple of days but he couldn’t let her. She had to keep
moving forward or she would never survive on her own.
“I think it would be easier
if the two of you went through it together,” Spike said calmly. “It’s no big
deal. We’ll have dinner then the two of you can work on it.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to
have anyone else around today,” Buffy said, the pitch of her voice getting
higher.
Spike stood and so did
Buffy. He advanced and she backed up. He grabbed her arm and she wrenched it
free.
“Don’t touch me,” Buffy
cried before running for the bedroom. “Just leave me alone.”
“No, I won’t,” Spike said,
catching the door before she could slam it shut. There wasn’t anywhere else for
her to run to and she sat on the bed burying her face in her hands. He knelt at
her feet. “Buffy, look at me.” She wouldn’t and he put his hands on her knees.
“Pet, I know there’s been a lot going on in the last couple of days. I’m a
little freaked by everything, too. But it’s my duty as your Jedi instructor to
prepare you for the coming battles.”
“That wasn’t funny,” Buffy
said, through her hands. “And it only shows what a nerd you are.”
“Yeah, but I’m right,” Spike
said, sitting back. “You came here for my help so you could have a life. That
life is going to include being around people. Wouldn’t it be easier to start
socializing with people you already know?”
Buffy dropped her hands.
“I’m scared. There’s so much going on inside my head that I feel like I’m going
to explode.” She sniffled. “All I’m doing is crying anymore…”
“But you’re feeling again.”
“Yeah,” Buffy said with a
nod. “I’m feeling too much and it’s so hard to process everything. I feel
rushed and like everything is coming at me…so fast that I can barely see it
before something else comes along.”
“Do you have a therapist
you’ve been seeing since you got out?”
She shook her head. “I don’t
want to see him anymore. He agrees with my parents.”
“Do you want to ask Cordy to
find you someone?”
“I’m only going to be here a
few days before I leave.”
“Yeah, you are,” Spike
agreed with regret. He tucked her hair behind her ear. “So, we need to get you
ready. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you and I’ll be here to make
sure you’re okay.”
“Determined, aren’t you?”
“Told you I’m like a
bulldog,” Spike said, grinning. “So, are you ready for socializing 101?”
“I guess,” Buffy said. “But
don’t blame me if I flunk.”
“Never,” Spike said, pulling
on her hands. “You’ve got the best teacher in the world.”
“Oh, yeah, you’re a good one
to talk,” Buffy said over her shoulder as she headed back into the living room.
“Mr. I don’t let anyone inside my head or my bed for more than an hour.”
I let you…
to be continued…
