December 5, 2007 1:53 PM

If the situation weren’t so serious, Buffy would have broken down into hysterical giggles at her husband and ex-Watcher. Spike was beating some tune against the wooden arm of his chair with his thumb while his head bobbed absently and Giles had cleaned his glasses at least five times in the last ten minutes. Their nervousness was distracting her from her own tension at the hypnosis session that would start in a few minutes. Sighing, she looked around the waiting room again before standing. Peering out the window, her eyes drifted over the tranquil ocean setting outside the house where Sara now had her practice. The distant rhythm of the waves and their graceful dance was a soothing comfort in what was otherwise a very uncomfortable place to be.

Buffy kept telling herself that everything was going to be all right, she trusted Sara and besides Spike and Giles would be there if something went wrong. It was just the thought of what might or might not be accomplished with this that bothered her. Would she lose all of Spike’s memories, thus creating a rift between them, or would they find out that it wasn’t the memories at all?

“Come sit, Love, it’s going to be okay,” Spike said, standing behind her, his hands drifting along her upper arms.

“I’m fine.” Buffy answered, leaning back against the comfort of her husband’s body and pulled his arms around her. “Thank you for being here.”

“Always be here for you, Pet.”

They both turned at the sound of a door opening.

“Hi, Buffy, Spike,” Sara said, at the door. She turned and greeted Giles in the same way before nudging her head to the back room. “Ready to come on back?”

Following Sara, they made their way into what used to be the master bedroom of the house. It was a large room with a bathroom attached and two sets of sliding glass doors along one wall. The doors opened onto a verandah that stretched along the back of the house with steps leading down to the beach. A tranquil theme prevailed over the place where secrets were told, the walls were painted a dusky rose while the furniture was dove gray with burgundy pillows and throws.

The two men settled on the couch where directed by Sara, while Buffy made her way to the counter behind her therapist’s preferred chair. Only half listening to the conversation between the other three, Buffy set about making cups of tea for Giles and her. While they were brewing she opened a soda for Spike and took it to him. Sara was taking notes on her pad about the ritual and their impressions of Buffy’s illness. Once the tea was prepared, she returned to the grouping of furniture and after handing Giles his refreshment, Buffy settled into a large chair facing away from the couch.

“We want Buffy to be comfortable and undistracted during this session and that’s one of the reasons she is facing away from you. Knowing that you are here and seeing you are two different things.” Sara explained.

Buffy kicked her shoes off and pulled her feet beneath her, then drew an afghan over her legs. Leaning her head against the back of the chair she continued to listen to the end of the questions that were posed while she watched the ocean. Her hands unconsciously wrung the edge of the covering as her mind jumped around.

“You ready?” Sara asked, coming to sit across from her. After Buffy nodded, Sara began to speak in a low and controlled voice leading her patient from the obvious anxiety into a relaxed state.

December 5, 2007 2:25 PM

Spike watched as Buffy relaxed under her therapist’s instructions. The only time he had seen humans hypnotized was when Drusilla would draw them under her thrall to ‘play’ with them. If he hadn’t been invited he wouldn’t have allowed Buffy to consent to this. There was no way he was going to allow anyone to have any power over his wife without him being there. Shaking his head, he forced himself to focus on what Sara was saying.

“Can you tell which memories are Buffy’s and which ones are Spike’s?”

“Yes.”

“Good, I want you to separate the two. Take all of his memories and put them on one side and yours on another.”

Buffy nodded and her hands moved as if she was physically doing as requested. A few minutes later, she smiled, “Done.”

“Now, we are going to put all of his memories away. There in your mind is an enclosure with a glass wall around it. Put his memories in there while keeping yours separate.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“If I forget them I won’t be able to play anymore.”

Without being aware of it, everyone leaned a little closer to Buffy.

“Play with them? Explain that to me.”

Buffy tilted her head to the side, like she was thinking of something, before answering. “I like to run them through my head when I’m alone and Spike isn’t around. It makes me feel closer to him.” She nodded her head as if satisfied with her answer.

“The enclosure is just going to hold the memories. It doesn’t mean you can’t see them anymore. The wall around is clear so you can visit them any time you want to.” Sara said.

“Like going to the zoo,” Buffy laughed. “I can walk around and around. Feed peanuts to the monkeys but avoid the hyena cage. Bad Xander. Did you know pigs make good BBQ but not principals? Principals feed to the big snake. Do we have a reptile section? No, no, Glory makes big snake, find key.” She trailed off from her fantasy and her eyes brightened from unshed tears. “Spike, my Spike, saw them and took care of me and I didn’t even know. It’s there now. somewhere in there. I’m looking and can’t find it. Why can’t I find it?”

“Buffy, you need to let go of them. It’s unhealthy for you to focus on them so much.”

“All done. All gone. My poor Spike, so much unhappiness, need to make it all better.”

Listening to Buffy dealing with the remnants of the ritual was hard on Spike. The bonding it had created between the couple had seen them through that terrible time last summer but watching what it was doing to her now was tearing him apart.

“It’s not your responsibility to make Spike happy.” Sara reminded the Slayer.

“I want to make him happy but I always seem to mess it up and I hurt him when I don’t behave.”

“We can discuss all that later but right now, I need you to put a lid over the enclosure, and finish putting his memories away.”

“I’m a good girl. The top is on.” Buffy sounded like child looking for approval as she stared wide eyed at Sara.

“Are the memories now put away in the enclosure?”

“Yes, they are.”

Sara nodded her head in approval and started to make some notes on her pad, “How do you feel about putting them away?”

“I miss them. They were there, comforting me,” Buffy stopped for a moment and looked around before leaning forward and whispering. “They kept it away but now…”

Startled Sara looked up, “Kept what away?”

“It’s there all the time. Never goes away, sometimes it’s so loud, that it chases me away.” Buffy closed her eyes and started to hum.

“Is it a humming sound?”

“Singing, humming, it resonates, murmurs, almost voices, sometimes screams, thought they were memories, movie couldn’t turn off, then sometimes they go all quiet and they leave me alone.”

“These voices and sounds, do they tell you things?”

“Feelings that flood me, hunger and need, sometimes so lonely, Spike has gone away. Won’t hold me and the mermaids won’t share their secrets and the seashells are washing up on the shore one by one.” Buffy’s eyes filled with tears and one escaped caressing her cheek before falling from her chin.

So, focused on the conversation between Sara and his wife, Spike jumped when Giles next to him frantically signaled the therapist holding up his notepad. Sara glanced their way, read the note, nodded and returned her attention to Buffy.

“Buffy, is there someone there with you?”

“There’s only the baby and me.”

“Can you talk to the baby?”

“Baby can’t talk back.”

“Can you feel the presence of something or someone else?”

Buffy shook her head, “It’s getting darker all the time and it frightens me.”

“Does the baby bring the darkness?”

“The baby changes everything. Will make it shiny and new. All the wrongs will be made right.” Buffy smiled, “We’ll have a party, ummm a shower, to celebrate the baby. With balloons and streamers, a lovely cake to be shared with all. They’ll bring gifts for the baby.”

“Is the darkness an entity? Can you find a way to push it back?”

“I fail. I’m bad and need to be punished. Plays games with me and I never get the right answer. Sometimes it’s there and sometimes its not. Sometimes I run and hide but it always finds me.”

“Buffy, pay attention, you are the one in control. It’s your mind and body. Tell the darkness that it has to go away.”

Buffy shifted, pulling her knees up to her chest and her hands resting on her thighs. “Go away, go away, go away, go away, don’t want you here, mine, its mine and you can’t have it.” She sobs and lays her head on the back of the chair. “It’s stronger than me. I’m weak, bad, I see things, disappointed my mother, slept with vampires, slutty, not good enough to stay in heaven, hurt the sweet boy who only wanted to love me, spilled my blood, loved the pain more, let me go, just let me go, tired, tired all the time, Spike won’t love me if he knew all my secrets.” Her head fell forward and she started to cry in gulping sobs as her fingers tangled in her hair. “Make it stop, make it stop, its screaming at me, make it stop.”

“Buffy, let go of it and start focusing on my voice.”

“No, no, it wants everything,” Buffy wailed.

“Buffy, let go of it now and come back to the present.”

Ignoring Sara’s earlier instructions of not becoming involved in the session, Spike rushed to Buffy’s side. No one knew her or her problems more than he did and she was becoming lost to whatever was going on in her head. He knelt on the floor beside her and let his fingers barely rest on her arm. Just enough so that she had something physical to focus on to fight her way back.

“Buffy, I’m right here. I know all your secrets and it doesn’t matter to me. I’m always going to love you”

“Spike?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I need you to wake up and come back to me.”

Buffy’s reached for him and he covered her hands with his own; his thumbs soothed the soft flesh of her wrists.

“Find me, always find me,” Buffy whispered breathlessly and blinked her eyes before retreating again. The fear returned to her eyes as her fingernails dug into Spike’s palms. “It doesn’t want to let me go.”

“Buffy, it has to let you go.” Sara said. “Now wake up, we are all waiting for you.”

There in her eyes, it was just a glimmer at first, than the blankness of her stare changed as she took in the room around her. Spike released a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding as those hazel eyes drank him in. Relieved that she had returned so quickly, he ran his fingers down her golden locks and twirled the end around the end of one digit.

“How are you doing?” Giles asked.

Buffy turned to look at the older man and she offered up a smile. It was small but it showed her need to return to them fully instead of succumbing to the darkness that was slowly filling her.

“Sleepy, like I haven’t slept in days.” Buffy murmured, releasing Spike’s hands and pushing her hair back. She fussed as she sat up straight again and began to fold the afghan. “Spike, would you hand me my tea?”

Spike handed her the tea and retreated, following her unspoken request for some space. He settled on the couch again and realized that they were all staring at her draining her beverage. They were all waiting for her to say something to explain what had just happened. If in her wakened state she would still have knowledge of the darkness. His hands ran along his denim clad thighs, wiping the nervous moisture from his palms, and wished that they were at home and if not there than somewhere safer than this office that had officially ended Buffy’s good days.

“I’m fine and ready to get out of here,” Buffy stated and stood to take her cup over to the small sink. She washed it and put it in the drainer to dry before turning around to look at them.

“I’d like to talk to you for a few moments,” Sara said.

Buffy returned to the chair but this time she sat on the edge. Her hands folded in her lap like a recalcitrant schoolgirl.

“What about? We all know what this means. It wasn’t the memories so I am officially crazy.” Buffy ranted. “It means nothing other than that. There isn’t anymore hope or cures. I’m insane and unless I abort my baby, I will only get more insane, possibly to the point of never being cured before anyone can do anything for me.”

“Buffy, let’s talk about this.” Sara said. “There are always alternate choices.”

“We have gone over all the choices a hundred times before with no new answers. I’m tired of it. I’m just plain tired.”

Buffy grabbed her shoes and stormed from the office. The others waited until the door slammed shut before breathing again and with shaky laughs looked at each other. Spike felt like a traitor sitting there about to discuss his wife behind her back but she wasn’t willing to talk about what happened. Besides he wanted to know as much as he could and wanted to hear the opinions of her therapist and the Watcher.

Sara was doodling on her notepad while Giles fiddled with his tea cup when Spike decided to break the uncomfortable silence. “So, what do we do now?” He asked.

“I kept getting the feeling she was protecting something or someone.” Giles said.

“Possession?” Spike asked.

“I don’t think so.” Sara commented. “Not ruling it out entirely but the other symptoms don’t spell out possession. And I would think if there was another entity inside of her or even another personality they would make themselves more known. They would want the world to know that they have control.”

“We’re back to schizophrenia?” Spike asked.

“I still think that’s the culprit. It fits with the changed personality, the forgetfulness, paranoia and now she’s telling us of whispers and being told things to do.” Sara said. “Spike, I hate to suggest this but since she is going ahead with the pregnancy…maybe you should consider putting her in a hospital.”

“I am not putting her away.”

“Spike, just listen to Sara,” Giles said. “I know it’s not what either of you want but it might be what Buffy needs.”

“She needs to be with me.” Spike almost shouted. He moved over to the window and stared the waves crashing on the shore. “Was this a set up? To get us here and show us how bad she’s become. Was it?”

“No, Spike, it wasn’t,” Sara replied in a tone that was both neutral and professional. “In a hospital she could get constant care. They would be able to handle the problems that come up as the disease progresses. And be able to monitor the baby.”

“Forget it.” Spike said, turning back to look at them. “She would consider it a betrayal and I wouldn’t do it to her. We’ll figure out a way to manage.”

“Everyone is too emotional right now,” Giles said, standing. “Let’s wait and we can discuss this later.”

Spike could only glare at someone he had considered a friend and father figure. Giles’ recent behavior toward Buffy angered the vampire; it was like he had already given up on her. Suddenly, his offers to help were becoming circumspect. Were they only a way to gather evidence to force them to commit Buffy? Deciding that he had to find out what was going on, Spike thanked Sara for her time and hurried outside to find his wife.

The afternoon sun was bright and it took Spike a second to get his bearings. With a quick glance around the parking lot he spotted Buffy leaning against Giles’ car. He wished they had taken their own vehicle, suddenly unwilling to spend a moment longer in Rupert’s company than necessary. It took him only a few strides to reach her and only another moment to pull her into his arms. When Buffy clung to him, Spike reaffirmed that he would never let her be taken away from him.

The ride home was quiet. Giles concentrated on driving. Buffy sat in the backseat and stared out the window while Spike tried to figure what to do. But no matter how many different angles he tried to look at it from, no easy answer came to him. He just hoped that he would have the time to try to find out what to do before things got any worse.

to be continued…