December 13, 2007 11:42 PM

The night air carried frost with it and the five young people shivered every time the wind blew around them. Even the adrenaline rush of fighting couldn’t stave off the cold and after a few kills they were ready to head home. Of course as duty called they would take the indirect route and patrol two more cemeteries on the way. Raven watched Josh holding Dawn close and wished that Connor would hold her like that but as it was, things weren’t too bad because he was walking shoulder to shoulder with her. Probably just trying to keep his skinny ass warm, she thought but it still kept him close, so who was she to complain?

“Did Buffy calm down any before you left the house?” Dawn asked, glancing over her shoulder at Raven and Sean.

“Yeah, she was watching TV and holding Candy on her lap when we left.” Sean answered. “Angel and Cordelia should be there by the time we get home.”

“Great, just what I need; more Dad time,” Connor complained. “Why did Buffy call him to watch her? Why couldn’t we just do it?”

“Maybe because there is no way Spike would let you stay in the house overnight,” Josh said.

Everyone turned to look at Raven and she threw her hands up and kept walking as they laughed.

“Come on, Raven, everyone knows that you’d compromise poor Connor if he was there,” Sean joked, regretting it instantly as he was faced with a pissed off Slayer.

“Shut up, Sean, you are dancing on the very last nerve I have for you. If you want to maintain any bit of friendship with me, you’ll back off now.”

“Calm down, Rave,” Connor said, pulling her by the arm and away from Sean. “He’s just joking and he wouldn’t do it if you wouldn’t take it so hard.”

“Forget it…let’s go,” Raven said, turning and heading toward the cemetery entrance.

Raven led the way with everyone following her in silence as they moved along the empty streets of Sunnydale. They just didn’t understand anything and Sean had been really mean to her lately. She had always been his friend, his comfort and security in a world that he wasn’t accepted in and now he didn’t seem to need her anymore. It made her realize how much she actually needed him to be her anchor. Raven glanced back at him, talking to Connor about some new video game they had discovered and she felt alone. Burying her hands in her pockets, she turned into the next graveyard.

A scream sounded ahead and Raven took off running, knowing that the others would follow. A vampire had a girl pinned against a crypt and when he saw the young people coming toward him, he turned to run but didn’t make it as Raven and Connor circled him. With a sweep of his hand, Connor allowed Raven the kill as the others directed the young woman back to her car.

Raven watched the dust settle around her and wondered if given the chance and a soul, could the creature she had destroyed been like her father. The thought was too much and she burst into tears. Some nights it was just harder than others to be the Slayer. Arms encircled her and she leaned into Connor’s embrace and let him take care of her.

“Of the millions of the vampires that have roamed the earth only two have turned out like Spike and Angel, don’t let it do this to you,” Connor whispered to her.

Nodding, Raven pulled away and wiped her eyes. “It’s not just that. It’s Mum, they want to lock her up.”

“Who does?”

The other three had returned by this time and were standing in a semi-circle around the couple.

“Giles and Kate,” Dawn answered. “They think it would be best for her to be under constant care.”

“It wouldn’t be,” Connor said. “How do you feel about it? You and Josh?”

“What kind of question is that?” Josh asked, stepping slightly in front of Dawn.

“It’s a simple one. Kate and Giles are your parents. Do you side with them or with Buffy? I think we deserve to know.”

“Connor, don’t,” Raven said, putting her hand on his arm. “It’s not about sides.”

“Yes, it is,” Sean said, stepping closer to Connor leaving Raven between the two sides. “You heard it as well as I did. Giles wants to put Buffy away and take us away from Spike. I think I do need to know how Dawn and Josh feel. Is everything I say being reported back to their parents for later use against us?”

Raven stepped closer to Sean, turning to look at her Aunt and her husband. It had never occurred to her before that her relationship with Dawn and Josh would ever compromise her mother and their family. Her eyes narrowed as she remembered all the things that she had freely shared with them.

“Buffy is my sister,” Dawn declared, rolling her eyes. “And I’ve been in the system and I wouldn’t do that to anyone.”

“And Giles has always been considered a father to her but he seems ready to do it.” Raven said. “So, what do you think is best for Buffy? No sides, just what do you think is best?”

“To be with her family,” Dawn whispered. “She’s been through enough and I remember when she came home the first time. She seemed almost dead inside. I’ll do whatever I have to so she doesn’t go in again.”

“Josh?”

The reluctance to side against his mother shone in Josh’s eyes but in the end he nodded his head.

“I’m in with you guys.”

A collective sigh of relief ran through them as once again they were united. Raven smiled at them before starting to walk home again.

“Okay, we all agree that she shouldn’t be committed. But what can we do?” Raven said. “Even you three,” she gestured toward Connor, Dawn and Josh, “are still considered to be the kids in the family. No one is going to listen to us.”

“Isn’t that why Angel is coming? To protect Buffy while Spike is gone,” Dawn said.

“Yeah, he is. Mum insisted on calling him.”

“Is he though?” Connor asked. “My Dad has a tendency to do what he wants.”

“I’m going to have Elijah check him and Cordelia in the morning to see if he’s uncomfortable with them.”

Dawn laughed, “Check them?”

“Touch them,” Sean answered. “He’ll be able to tell if they are hiding something. Like a lie detector.”

“He can do that?” Josh said. “How cool.”

“Yeah, the little booger is definitely gaining more ground on the power department. Some of which I don’t think he’s sharing with us.” Raven said. “It’s like he can read my mind.”

“Remind me to watch what I’m thinking at your house. You’re Dad can smell us and your brother can read our thoughts.” Connor said, dodging playful blows from Raven. “Welcome to The House of Blood where there are no secrets.”

They all laughed as they turned the last corner and saw the house at the end of the lane. Even though it stood stark against the night and the cemetery behind it, there was a welcoming aura about it. The Christmas lights hung along the roof and the smoke curling from the chimney. It was home and Raven felt its pull. She was surprised when she felt Connor’s hand curled into hers and she turned to smile at him. It had become a home to him also and she squeezed his fingers in understanding.

Parked in the driveway was Angel’s Pontiac and they stopped again.

“So, what do we do?” Raven asked. “I think Elijah knows more than he is letting on but he won’t talk to me and I know he’s scared about something. Maybe it’s just everything that’s going on but…”

“I know,” Sean interrupted. “He’s seems to be the closest one to her right now. The games they play and they are always whispering about something.”

“I can feel the energy between them,” Raven said. “I’ve tried to touch him when he’s touching her to see if I can pick up on something but I think he’s got a wall up because I can’t get anything.”

“Maybe we just tell them that we don’t want her institutionalized,” Josh said. “And we’ll do what we have to do to help. Dawn and I are going to dinner with our parents tomorrow and we’ll see what we can find out.”

“And I’ll remind them of when I was in the system and of Buffy being hospitalized before,” Dawn said. “Maybe it will make them think a little more.”

“Thanks, I’m glad that you’re on our side,” Raven said.

It wasn’t a lot but it was a start. If they said they’d help then Raven was confidant they would. It was time to start making plans again and ideas started to flow through her mind as the group headed for the house, intent on joining the meeting already taking place inside.

December 13, 2007 11:51 PM

The fire leapt as Spike threw another log on and poked at them. It didn’t need to be done. It was just something to do while he waited for Angel and Cordelia to get settled in the study. Spike glanced over at Max sitting in the side chair. His friend was staring intently into the flames. The evening had been hard on everyone as Buffy had continued her pleas to know that she was surrounded by family. Finally a couple of hours ago she had fallen asleep on the couch and thankfully hadn’t woken when Spike carried her upstairs and put her to bed.

“You want another drink?” Spike asked.

“Nah, I’m fine.” Max answered. “So, do you want me to stay for this or if you want I can take off and find a hotel or something?”

“Stay,” Spike answered. By this time Max was a part of the family and after today there wasn’t a whole lot that he didn’t know about them, thanks to Buffy’s unusual bluntness at the oddest times.

“Why is he here?” Angel asked, striding into the room.

“Because he’s going on the trip with me,” Spike answered. He stood and faced his Sire who was settling on the couch and turning a disdainful eye toward Max. “One of the stops is Atlanta. I thought we covered this.”

“Just seems funny that Buffy always has these bad episodes whenever he’s around.” Angel pronounced. “Thanksgiving and then today.”

The tension bristled between the older vampire and the human as they stared at each other. Spike sighed, “Stop it. Max isn’t responsible. Buffy started today before he arrived. Okay?”

Angel shrugged, “If you say so.”

The men turned as Cordelia entered the room and walked toward her husband.

“I thought the bull between the three of you was over,” she said, situating herself against Angel’s side. “It’s not going to help anything. If stress makes Buffy worse then I’m glad she’s asleep because this would send her off the wall.”

“Your husband resents my being here,” Max said.

“Maybe if you’d apologize for trying to have sex with one of his employees on his desk, it might help,” Cordelia said, smiling while her fingers curled over Angel’s arm. “And not to cause more trouble but a lot of Buffy’s and Spike’s trouble started with the arrival of Donna and you. She’s gone but you’re still here.”

”And aren’t you the one who just said this tension wasn’t good,” Spike reminded her. His eyes flickered over his friend before turning back to his Sire. “And didn’t you have him checked out before you let him anywhere near your operation?”

“Touché,” Angel said. “Still don’t like him.”

“You don’t like anyone,” Spike responded. A small smile touched his lips at his Sire who still needed to feel like he was the alpha male. No matter how human Angel wanted to be, when it came to basic things like dominance he still reverted to his demon roots.

“How bad was Buffy today?” Cordelia said, successfully changing the subject. “Angel filled me in on what happened up to and during the phone call but what’s happened since then.”

“The same,” Spike said. “She kept needing reassurance that she belonged and kept telling us that she couldn’t find it or couldn’t reach it. Whatever it was.” Laughing, he shook his head. “Then there was the sex stuff. It was just more along the lines of who had sex with whom.”

Cordelia leaned forward on her forearms. “Spike, think about it. Sex is one of the ways that people bond. We do it to so we don’t feel alone, for comfort and for love. It just goes along with the family talk. She’s all mixed up and is just making sure that she isn’t alone.”

It was so simple and Spike hadn’t seen it at all. All he had been concerned about was being embarrassed and that she was being cruel to him. Everything seemed to hit him at one time and he took a seat and buried his face in his hands. He had failed his wife by not trying to understand what she was telling him, it had taken the poof and Cordelia to explain it to him. Something so basic should have been figured out by him.

“Don’t do that, Childe,” Angel said. “You’re here with her all the time and its emotionally draining for you.

“When did you get to be so bloody perceptive?”

“Living with Cordelia,” Angel replied. “It was the only way to survive.”

The room grew quiet as Spike continued to berate himself for his treatment of Buffy. With an anguished sigh, Spike looked up at the others, “If she is that upset about me leaving then I should stay here.”

“And what are you going to do?” Cordelia asked. “Sacrifice the rest of your life? Never go anyone or do anything just to be with her?”

“Does that mean you’re on the side that wants to lock her away?” Connor said from the doorway.

Those gathered in the living room turned to look at the young people at the entranceway. Angel stood to face his son and Spike hoped this wasn’t going to turn into a battle between the two.

“Don’t speak to Cordelia like that,” Angel said.

“It wasn’t meant to insult her,” Connor replied, walking further into the room. “It was a simple question. Do you want to put Buffy into a hospital or do you think she should be at home?”

“If I could finish what I started,” Cordelia interrupted. “Why don’t you all come in and take a seat?” She waited until the Slayer and the Scoobettes had taken seats on the floor in front of the fireplace before continuing. “I was trying to tell Spike that he is only going away for a few days. It’s not like he is abandoning Buffy or leaving her in danger. He needs to get out of here and breathe every once in awhile in order to be able to continue to cope.”

“She needs me.”

“Yeah, she does but you can’t help her if you’re burned out.” Cordelia said, laying a hand on his arm before her gaze settled on her step-son. “And to answer your question, no, I don’t think she needs to be in a hospital. They wouldn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. No matter how familiar they were with the demon world.”

“I’d like to say something,” Josh said. “I know this has turned into a sides thing but I don’t think it really is. I know my Mom loves Buffy and wants what is best for her but she doesn’t understand. She’s a doctor and thinks that the scientific way is the best way. And Giles is hearing all that so is kind of going along with it.” He threw his hands up. “But like I said I don’t agree with them and am willing to fight to keep Buffy at home.”

“So, everyone here is in agreement that Buffy stays with us, right?” Spike asked. His gaze slid from one face to the next, taking in their nods of assents or murmured yeses. Something in him relaxed as he realized that he wasn’t alone in his fight for his wife. “I talked to Xander the other day and I don’t think he’d help them out but I don’t know. He’s confused.”

“We’ll keep her safe,” Angel said. “You’re leaving her and your children in capable hands. No one should have a problem with anything. If someone does then we remove Buffy from the house and keep her safe until you can get back here.”

“Hopefully, this won’t turn out to be an issue,” Dawn said. “We’re going to talk to Kate and Giles tomorrow.”

Spike listened to the ebb and flow of the conversation around him as he slumped back into his chair. It was with relief that he realized that Buffy would be kept safe while he was gone. No one in this room would let anything happen to his wife and family if they could help it. Guilt gnawed at him because as much he hated to admit it, the thought of not dealing with Buffy for a few days was a welcome reprieve.

December 14, 2007 2:25 AM

Panic flooded Buffy as surely as the darkness around her and she shook her head in an attempt to clear it. It stayed and brought the knowledge that she was awake and it was night time. She searched her mind and was relieved to find that she was able to think again. Quickly she traced the day and the last full thought was when she had been lying down that afternoon for a short nap. After that there were only images and quick glimpses of what the rest of the day had been for her.

A glance at the clock told Buffy that it was the middle of the night and that she had lost most of the day and night. Her body was demanding release and she sat up only to find that she was wearing a wrist restraint with a lock. Finding the lead that was attached to it, she gave it a gentle tug to find that it was fastened to the headboard. Her first thought was just to break it but realized that was the idea. Spike knew it wouldn’t hold her but the commotion made by her breaking it would awaken him. Frustrated at being tied, she turned to snap at her husband, when the moonlight showed the scratches on his arm. A memory jogged her and she looked down at her hands. Raven had cut her nails off to just below the fingertip.

Well, great, I’m tied up like a dog, groomed like a dog, she thought before with horror remembering Spike feeding her bites of dinner since she was too distracted talking to Max about something to try and feed herself. Humiliation flooded her at how far she had descended and made Buffy want to hide somewhere and cry. But her body’s demand was greater than her need for self-pity and she leaned over to kiss Spike on the corner of his mouth.

“Spike, wake up.”

Her hand ran under the covers to see if he was wearing pants that the key might be in but he was nude. Sighing, she shook him by the shoulder and when he still didn’t awaken she pushed at him.

“Spike, damn it, wake up.”

The anger and frustration was taking control by the time he turned sleepy eyes to her.

“What’s up, Pet?”

“I have to pee and it seems that I am tied up.” She said, watching him as walked to the dresser. “You shouldn’t do it unless you want to get woken up.”

“It was a long night. Wasn’t trying to ignore you,” Spike said, squatting as he unlocked her restraint.

“And I suppose that’s all my fault,” Buffy snapped, striding from the room and trying to ignore the sigh from Spike. She knew it wasn’t his fault and that he was only trying to protect her but to have to ask to be unlocked so she could go to the bathroom was demeaning. Sitting on the toilet she tried to bring her emotions under control by breathing deep and telling herself that no one could be blamed for what was happening to her. But that was too rational for her overloaded system.

When she came out of the bathroom she found Spike sitting on the floor with his head against the wall and her heart hurt for what she was doing to him. Crouching down next to him, she ran her fingers down his face.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered, as he took her hand and kissed the palm. “I’m going to go downstairs and get something to drink. Go back to bed.”

“It’s okay. I’ll come with you,” Spike said, standing while her hand was still held by his. He frowned when she pulled it away.

“Suit yourself,” Buffy said, heading down the stairs and tried to ignore Spike dogging her every step. She could understand the protectiveness when she was out of it but she wasn’t now. All she wanted was to walk downstairs, independently, and pour a glass of juice without feeling like she was incompetent.

Buffy busied herself fixing a drink while Spike sat at the table, his head held up by his hand and she refused to feel guilty. She had told him to go back to bed and he insisted on tagging along. Her stomach growled when she opened the refrigerator and with a glance back at Spike, she shrugged and pulled out fixings for a sandwich. After putting the food on the table, she returned for a knife, pulling the drawer out and ran her fingers along the utensils. After reassuring herself that Spike couldn’t see, slipped a paring knife in her pocket. With a quick pat, she grabbed a butter knife and returned to the table.

“You hungry?” Spike asked, eyeing the large sandwich she was assembling.

“Yeah, I guess my keeper didn’t feed me…” Buffy said, breaking off after seeing the hurt on her husband’s face. “Guess you think I’m an ungrateful bitch?”

“No, but I don’t like being attacked like this. It’s not my fault and I’m just trying to take care of you,” Spike said.

“I guess you blame me then.”

“No, I don’t blame you,” Spike responded, exasperation clearly showing on his face. He wiped a hand over his face and rubbed at his eyes. “I’m just tired, Buffy.”

Buffy wanted to scream at him that she had told him to go to bed. She wanted to turn the table over just to break something. She wanted to stand in the middle of the kitchen and scream until her voice was gone. She wanted to run until she was safe again. She wanted to be able to decide when to eat and go to the bathroom. She wanted the short span of happiness that had been theirs when Spike had become a hybrid and they had found out about the baby. She wanted control of her emotions and mind again.

In the end she stood and put the sandwich things away and threw half of the one she had made away.

“Maybe you don’t blame me but I do,” Buffy said, tugging on Spike’s hand. “Let’s go back to bed.” At the top of the stairs she turned toward the bathroom again. “Please, I just need to go again and I’ll be right in. The house is all locked up and the alarm is on. I wouldn’t get far.”

Spike’s tiredness won out and he kissed her forehead and walked to the bedroom. Buffy breathed in the brief freedom and slipped into the bathroom. It had been a long time but the ritual was imbedded in her memory like an old friend she was welcoming home. The door was locked, a candle was lit to mask the scent of blood, a washcloth was put on the sink to wipe up the blood, the paring knife was laid on the back of the sink and her clothes were removed and folded carefully on the back of the toilet.

Buffy preened in the mirror, her hands running over her flesh, deciding which part of her body would be the recipient of her rage. Her breasts, inner thighs, and buttocks were rejected in case Spike wanted to have sex before he left. Her stomach was discarded to protect her baby.

Slowly Buffy picked the knife up and ran her finger along the sharpened edge, letting her inner turmoil rejoice at having an outlet. Raising her arm she pressed the blade to her inner arm right above her armpit. This was hers. Her pain. Her choice. She pulled it along her flesh, wincing at the sting but the blood flowed releasing the frustration held inside of her. Everything else disappeared as she watched the sticky red substance run down her side. Her breathing picked up and she grabbed the cloth to wipe away the evidence. It wasn’t enough and she put her foot on the toilet.

Buffy reasoned that she could explain it away by saying that she had scratched it in the yard somehow. A cut was placed above her ankle about three inches long. She smiled this time. They never had to know. They could do whatever they wanted in the name of protecting her but this was hers to control. No one-- well meaning intentions or not --could take this away from her.

After cleaning up and dressing again, she pulled bandage tape out of the first aid kit and secured the knife under the sink. With a quick glance around to make sure everything was back in order, she returned to the bedroom. Spike had fallen asleep while she was gone, sprawled out on his stomach and Buffy crawled in, burrowing into his side and laying her head on his back. For the first time that day she felt almost contented as she fell asleep with her husband in her arms.

to be continued…
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