Chapter 54 – The Back of Your Hand
When you give it up for gone**
But you’re still digging in your
mind
And you’re staring out the window
Saying everything will be just fine
His fingers
beat on the steering wheel in time to the questions in his head. Everything in
Spike’s heart told him to run before this consumed him. He had let go once and
almost drowned. Now he didn’t know if he could trust her to keep him afloat
anymore. Buffy had been gone for over seven weeks to a place where he couldn’t
reach her.
And you let her leave thinking you
hated her for it.
Would she
still love him? Did he still love her? He didn’t know anymore. Last summer he
would have said yes without hesitation. The trust between them had been broken
leaving him questioning the validity of his own heart. He knew she had done
what she thought she had to do; to protect him, to protect their family and their
baby. The baby she had deserted when
Journey was only a day old.
You didn’t even let her say good-bye
to her baby.
Who was the
guiltier of the two? Who was right and wrong? Did it even matter anymore? Was
there even a ‘them’ anymore? Did either of them want to find out? Hell, he
wasn’t sure he even wanted to breech the chasm that separated them anymore. One
thing he did know was that the place in his heart, soul and life that Buffy
once filled was a yawning, aching void. And he stood teetering on the edge of
the precipice unsure of whether to jump back in or run to safety.
The call
had come yesterday saying she was ready to come home. So, he had come. Everyone
was at home, giddy with expectation. The house was decorated in festive colors
and signs welcoming her home. No one had asked if he even wanted her back. He
hadn’t been given a choice. So, here he was doing his duty. His wife would come
home. She would resume her role in the family and household. She would take
over being Journey’s primary caretaker. And…
Where the hell does that leave me?
Spike
slammed his hand on the steering wheel and jumped out of the truck. Before he
could give into his basic instinct to flee he strode into the foyer of the
Brandon Clinic. He gave a quick glance around before approaching the front desk
and telling the receptionist what he was there for. The peppy woman told him that
his wife was out in the courtyard along with directions on how to get there.
“Thanks,”
Spike said, over his shoulder as he headed toward the door. The day was bright and he blinked behind his
sunglasses as he searched for his wife. He didn’t spot her at first among the
people wandering through the garden. A woman approached him and he turned to
ask her if she knew his wife when he realized it was Buffy. Ten years and he
almost didn’t recognize her.
Who are you? Why did you leave me alone?
Spike was
grateful for the glasses as his eyes filled with tears. Neither spoke or moved
as he took stock of the woman standing before him. The golden cloud of hair
that he adored was gone replaced by a short style in her natural color. Her body changed by pregnancy and time was
still petite but her hips had widened while her breasts were heavy with his
child’s nourishment. But it was her eyes that ripped his soul in two. They were
the same chameleon hazel that would tell her moods but they showed the agony of
the last year in their depths. He stared into them for a moment noting the
wisdom and serenity also dwelling in their depths.
Buffy
smiled gently at him. “Hello, William.”
It seemed
that somehow even he was vanished from her life. Spike wasn’t welcome. She only
called him William anymore. His hand lifted and fell in a feeble attempt to
find something to anchor himself to but there was nothing there…nothing at all.
“Hi,” Spike
said. “You ready to go. The kids have a party planned so…”
“Respond
accordingly. You don’t need to tell me,” Buffy said, tilting her head. And if
there had been any mischief in her eyes he would think she was a fairy or
sprite. “I’ll behave.”
Spike
sighed and followed her out to the lobby. While she said good-bye to the staff,
he waited by her suitcases left by the door. Her laughter was genuine and the
affection easy as she spoke to the people surrounding her.
How long has it been since we were
happy to be with each other?
Buffy
walked toward him her smile fading with each step. It was as if she knew every
emotion that was coursing through him. He pushed the door open and waited for
her to step through before following. She led the way to the parking lot until
she stopped at the edge glancing around perplexed.
“It’s over
here,” Spike said, leading them to a Lincoln Navigator. “I bought it when I got
Sean a car for his birthday. The Desoto has been retired.”
“Any other
changes I should know about?” Buffy asked her voice tempered with a touch of
trepidation and anger.
“Any others
I should know about?” Spike answered, his fingers flipping her hair.
She didn’t
answer just turned on her heel and climbed in. Forgetting all the rules he’d
given himself, Spike decided he could play that game if that was what she
wanted. The back gate was slammed shut after he tossed her bags in the back.
The driver’s door followed suit a few seconds later.
“Bloody
fucking typical,” Buffy muttered.
“That’s
redundant,” Spike answered as he pulled out of the space. “And what do you
consider typical?”
“You being
a jerk,” Buffy snapped, staring at him. “You did it the last time I came back.
Pile the guilt on Buffy for daring to leave you and make sure she’s properly
punished for needing time.”
“Do I get
the fucking time?”
As soon as
the words were out of his mouth he knew it was a mistake. His eyes closed while
he stopped the truck.
I don’t want to do this. I am so
tired of fighting you.
“I gave you
the time and welcomed you back with open arms…twice,” Buffy whispered.
“Everybody gets forgiven but me. Drusilla, Angel, Max and when it comes to me I
have to bear the weight of all their cruelty and mistakes.”
“Oh, yes,
Buffy, I’m so sorry for being hurt,” Spike said, throwing the truck into park.
“Let’s count the ways you have never
hurt me or been cruel or didn’t trust me.”
Buffy
grabbed his hand, slamming it into her face and horrified he stared at what she
had done.
“Beat me,
please. Let it out, all of it and get it over with. I can take it. Lay all your
pain on me,” Buffy cried. “Just show me something besides the anger, silence
and guilt.”
“I don’t
even know who the fuck you are anymore,” Spike whispered.
“Same goes
here.” Buffy snapped, turning to stare out the window.
Baby, how did we get here? I can’t
even see you in this woman that’s sitting beside me.
~~~~~~~~~~
Keeping with the whole affair
Every word seems out of line
The radio
droned on but Spike wasn’t paying attention as he stared at the road in front
of him. They hadn’t spoken a word to each other since they left the clinic. The
silence was uncomfortable and he didn’t know how to break it. He wanted to talk
to her even if it was for a polite conversation about the weather. Or they
could talk about the four children they had between them or even the dog. There
were a thousand subjects they could catch up on or hash out but neither opened
their mouths. So, he continued to drive without saying anything or even
glancing at her.
A favorite
memory tickled at his nose.
Surprised,
Spike whipped his head around to stare at Buffy. She stared steadfast out the
window and refused to acknowledge him. The only indication she wasn’t a
mannequin was the slight fidget of her hips causing another wave to assault
him.
Bloody hell, she’s horny…is it for
me? Was it the fight? Or is it because she’s been without for so long?
“Watch
out,” Buffy yelped, grabbing his arm.
“Oh,
bollocks,” Spike said, when he looked up and found the truck had slipped onto
the shoulder of the road. He quickly turned the wheel so they were back on asphalt
again. “Sorry.”
“That’s
okay,” Buffy said, laughter lilting along her words.
Her fingers
slipped from his arm, hovering for a second before Buffy ghosted them along his
flesh. Suddenly it didn’t matter why she was because he was too. One touch of her
hand and he was becoming hard.
“Everyone
is at the house.”
“Oh.”
There was
disappointment in her tone as she turned to stare out the window again. Spike
tried to convince himself it was better this way. They needed to talk and make
decisions about their lives before they even thought about sex. He rolled the
window down a crack but it seemed to make her scent stronger as the wind blew
it throughout the truck. The exit leading to Baker Woods was only a couple of
minutes away and he warred with himself in those one-hundred-and-twenty
seconds.
Come on, mate, she’s still your
wife, your mate and she’s hot, really hot from the smell. Give in…no, need to
be all proper about this. Go home, have the party, then you two can have the
‘where the hell do we go from here’ conversation and decide your lives…
The tires
squealed as he took the exit at the last second. He glanced at Buffy but she
didn’t say anything. One last time was all he could think of. What if that
night they did decide to break up? Would he never touch her again? And he was
reluctant to admit that underneath his supposed noble intentions his throbbing
cock was making his choice. Get laid now.
The truck
was stopped on a small dirt road deep in the woods. For a second they both sat
there and knowing he needed to be the one to speak, Spike searched for the
words he needed.
“I…I’m not
making promises or agreeing to anything by this,” Spike said, staring out the
windshield. “Or am I reading you wrong or…no, I know I’m not but…Buffy why?”
“For the same
reasons I’ve always wanted you.”
Spike
watched as she slipped her sandals off and crawled into the back.
What are we doing? We haven’t seen
each in weeks. We were fighting less
than an hour ago. Not that it’s a first time for that…or even unusual for
us…it’s us.
A tiny something
let go somewhere in Spike’s heart as he joined Buffy in the back seat. They
didn’t even look at each other as she pulled her skirt up and he pulled his
shirt off. It was awkward as he reached for her; not knowing how to touch her
anymore. Buffy slid down onto the seat and his hands reached to pull her
panties off but she stopped him by putting her hands on his.
“There’s
something else,” Buffy whispered, staring at a spot over his shoulder. A hand
waved over her pubic area. “I haven’t…there didn’t seem to be any need and…”
His fingers
hooked into the elastic as her hips lifted to aid him in their removal. It was
after he dropped them on the floor that he looked up and gazed upon an
untrimmed Buffy. Something else that wasn’t familiar and he ran his fingers
through the brown curls that covered her cunt. Deciding it didn’t matter Spike laid
on top of her. He wasn’t going to stop now. Their kiss was clumsy, taking a few
starts, nervous laughter and head tilting to find their way back. They began to
touch each other, automatically reaching and caressing places that were known
to elicit responses. Spike began to lose himself in the act they were
committing and as long as he didn’t look into the face of the stranger he was
all right.
Keep your eyes closed and feel. Feel
the way she’s kissing you, it’s your Buffy, feel her hands grabbing your ass,
it’s her, your girl…
“Oh, God,
William,” Buffy moaned wrapping a leg around his hip.
Why aren’t I Spike to you anymore?
Don’t you love me anymore?
The lies
and pep talks weren’t working anymore. His heart didn’t want this anymore but
his body did. His body responded to her like it always did; a runaway train or
a fire in dry grass. Buffy reached between them and he rose up to allow her to
undo his jeans. His cock eager for her touch bounded out of its confines and
she welcomed it with her tiny hands. They stroked him, fingers wrapping around
and pumping him. He wanted to cry for the familiarity and the strangeness of
her touch.
Needing to
be a part of this, to find something that would make this okay, his hands
skimmed over her body. Her breasts were heavy and overflowed his hand.
“Don’t
squeeze too much,” Buffy said. “It’s almost time to…”
Pump them.
He left her
breasts alone, bound in their serviceable nursing bra and moved to her hips.
They were soft and pliant as he squeezed them. He wished they were some place
where he could strip her and explore at his leisure to find all the places that
he knew. To find his girl in this woman’s body. His fingers skimmed over her
secret place, over the unfamiliar hair covering it, returned to separate into
the heat of her folds. A rush of her desire waved over fingers inserted into
her.
You’re still so hot. So wet. Please,
let it be me that makes you this way.
Buffy
pulled him on top of her again, kissed him as he reached between them. His cock
needed no encouragement as it found its way home inside of her. If it could
speak, it would be screaming its joy for anyone to hear; I’m home…I’m where I
belong…don’t ever let me go. Spike thrust deep inside of her, pulled out and
thrust again.
She’s not as tight as she used to
be. Why do I have to look for the bad things? Because you’re scared she’s
finally realized the past six years have been a mistake. That this time when
you go to look for her she’ll be gone…like she was two months ago.
Losing
himself in the sensations rallying through his body, Spike settled into a
punishing rhythm that had Buffy hands against the door to keep her head from
banging into it. It was almost mechanical as his mind chronicled everything
that was going on; the feel of her sucking him in, the truck rocking back and
forth, the sound of their flesh meeting, the squeaking of the leather as they
slid on it, a bird screaming as it flew overhead.
Just get both of you off and it’ll
be over with.
He only
concentrated on what his cock was feeling until Buffy cried out in pain. He
stopped to look down at her.
“You okay?”
Spike asked.
“Yeah, I’m
fine,” Buffy said. “I’m just a little more tender than I thought I’d be.”
She’d given
birth two months ago and he hadn’t even asked if she was healed. He hadn’t even
given her any consideration.
“Don’t,”
Buffy whispered, cupping his cheek. “Like I said I’m fine and if we could just
go a little slower it would be great.”
Spike
nodded. Without breaking contact with her eyes, he started to rock and grind
his hips against her, and the glaze of desire in green depths let him know this
was what she needed. He stopped thinking about what he needed and started
thinking about the woman beneath him. Buffy started to make those little noises
she did and he watched the pleasure as it played out across her features. She
came, shuddering, her mouth that little ‘o’, her eyes half closed and he
grinned at her usual routine of orgasmic bliss. The joy at finding a link to
what he knew sent him over the edge and he released himself deep inside of her.
“Oh my god,
oh my god, get off me, oh my god,” Buffy stammered and cried, pushing at his
shoulders. “What the hell have we done?”
We fucked.
Confused
and uncertain, Spike retreated to the other side of the truck. Buffy covered
her mouth with her hand as she scrambled out of the truck.
What the bleedin’ hell is wrong? She
started this. I’m a mistake again.
The sound
of her retching reached him and he rushed to find out what was wrong.
Automatically he went to hold her hair back but there was nothing there. His
hands fell futilely to his sides.
“Buffy,
what’s wrong?”
“We didn’t
use birth control.”
Oh, balls. We could be trapped.
Spike hated
himself for the thought and he patted her on the back as she finished emptying
her stomach. He knew it was the wrong time, the wrong situation, they’d just
had one baby but would it be the end of the world? And as she straightened up,
he knew for her it would be. All the terror and pain of her pregnancy was
visible on her face. She reminded him of humans he’d tortured in the old days.
The ones he forced to their breaking points just so he could see the look that
now adorned his wife’s countenance. He pulled her against him and murmured
nonsensical words that wouldn’t alleviate her emotions. Buffy’s tears soaked
through his t-shirt and there surrounded by the sounds of her sobbing and the
smell of sex and vomit Spike saw how far into hell she’d truly traversed.
~~~~~~~~~
No matter what angle you get
It’s polished till it shines
Spike
slipped through the door Buffy had left ajar for him. She was carefully
reapplying makeup as she stared into the mirror. Her eyes flickered to him and
he held out the toothbrush, toothpaste and a bottle of water he’d gotten for
her.
“Thank
you.”
“You’re
welcome,” Spike said, leaning against the wall and opening his bottle of soda.
The store’s bathroom smelled of heavy antiseptic soap and had things written on
the walls that made even him think twice.
“Did you
get stuff for later?” Buffy asked spitting toothpaste into the sink. At his
quizzical expression she pointed at the condom machine on the wall.
Oh. She wants to do it again. After
all that she wants to fuck again…
“It was the
lack of birth control that got me upset.”
Maybe it was just sex after all.
Maybe it wasn’t me that she wanted.
His mind
remembered something else that he’d buried and having found its moment returned
screaming at him.
“Did you
ever want Dagon?”
Buffy
grabbed her purse and threw everything into it. She stalked past him, stopped
and looked back.
“If I have
to answer that question than I don’t know if there’s even anyway for us to
start over,” Buffy said. “But just so we’re clear; no, being raped doesn’t turn
me on.” The door slammed shut in her wake.
Oh my god, I asked that out loud.
Stupid ponce. Did she say raped?
Spike
barely made it to the toilet as the bile rose in his throat. Even if it wasn’t
her body she felt everything that motherfucker did. He had been told by the
therapists, by Dawn, by Kate and he hadn’t let it sink in. He hadn’t let it
past his barriers and now it was a murderous rage that left him shaking.
What have I done to her?
“It wasn’t
your fault,” Buffy said, handing him the toothbrush.
She’d
slipped back in when he’d been sick. His hand was trembling as he took the
proffered item.
All he’d
been concerned about was what she’d done to him and their children. His fury at
Elijah and the baby being in danger had consumed him to the point where he
couldn’t see what had happened to Buffy. He’d needed someone to blame besides
himself and she’d been the easy target. Now, he wished they’d left Dagon alive
so that he could fully vent everything he was feeling.
Spike wiped
his mouth with a paper towel as he chucked the brush into the trash.
“It wasn’t
yours either.”
Buffy,
startled by his statement, turned wide eyes to him. She stared in wonder for a
moment then the veil dropped again. She wasn’t ready to trust him or
declarations made in moments of intense emotions. There was still so much for
them to talk about.
“I’ll meet
you in the truck,” Buffy said, leaving him alone again.
Spike
pulled around to the front of the store to wait for her. The door opened and he
watched as she slipped a box of condoms into her purse. She threw the bag away
and climbed in beside him. Somehow in spite of everything she still wanted him.
She just didn’t want another pregnancy and he could live with that for now.
Does that mean I want her to stay;
that I want to try again?
It was
still too complicated, too fragile, to think that far ahead and they made the
rest of the trip home in silence. Buffy met him at the back of the truck to grab
one of her bags.
“Go on,”
Spike said, waving her off. “They’re waiting for you.”
The front
door of the house opened and their children came running out.
“Mummy,
Mummy,” Elijah screamed.
Buffy met
him halfway across the yard, picked him up and swung him around. Raven and Sean
threw their arms around her and his family was back together.
~~~~~~~~~
And when you say who the hell am I
living with?
What just went down?
It was
tiring to be surrounded by so many happy people when all he wanted was to
examine his feelings. Whatever connection or truce he and Buffy had made this
afternoon was fading into a memory amongst the chaos that reigned in their
house. No one was going away soon. Angel had commandeered his chair and was
watching some old horror flick on television. Max, Xander and Anya were
cleaning the kitchen from the impromptu dinner of Mexican fare. The young
people were having a resounding game of cards in the dining room while the
children played with
Spike
looked up as someone moved in the hallway. It was Buffy starting up the stairs.
She looked at him and crooked her finger so he’d follow her. He did. The
hallway was empty on the second floor and he glanced at the stairs leading to
the attic wondering if that was where she’d gone. Before he could take a step
the bathroom door opened and her hand reached out to pull him in. The door was
closed and he was pushed against it. His hand reached for the light switch.
“Leave it
off,” Buffy said, undoing his belt.
He closed
his eyes as his jeans were undone and he moaned as her mouth closed over his
still soft cock. She teased at it while her hands ran along his thighs, around
to cup his ass, squeezing into his flesh. He was now ready and rock hard for
her to do with as she wished. Buffy cupped his balls, rolling them gently in
her fingers as she licked along his length. Her tongue circled the tip before
she engulfed him again.
Oh bloody hell…
His knees
buckled and his hand clutched at the door trying to stay standing as Buffy
sucked him with what seemed like every muscle in her mouth. She switched to
slow, steady licks along the underneath before scraping her teeth down him. His
hand reached for her hair, encountered the stranger again when there were
barely enough locks to wrap around his fingers.
Can’t ride my pony no more…
Spike’s
hand held the back of her head as he thrust into that heat. She took it,
swallowing him down, lapping at him, never asked for mercy when he went deeper
and stronger. He waited for her to ask him to stop and she wouldn’t do it. She
took his punishment and swallowed every drop that he poured into her.
What other punishment would you take
if I asked you to? Whips? Paddles? Another two months of lonely nights and
empty arms?
Buffy was
so close to him as she put him away and fastened his jeans. She kissed him
along his jaw as he stood there and did nothing. He didn’t understand what was
happening between them and before he could ask, she was gone.
“Why?”
Spike asked. “I asked you earlier and you just said the same reason as always
but there’s more.”
There was only
silence and he slipped into game face so he could see her in the dark. Buffy
was sitting on the edge of the tub and he went to sit next to her.
“I know
that sex is something you’ve always loved between us,” Buffy said. “I’m hoping
that if there is at least one reminder then you’ll remember others.”
“You’re
giving me sex hoping that it’ll remind me that I love you.”
“You said
you hated me.”
Spike
sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, yeah, I did and at the time I
did but it’s not like it was the first time. What I mean, Buffy, is that I’ve
loved you and on occasion I’ve hated you, I’ve wanted you, been jealous of you;
there’s not a lot of things I haven’t felt for you at one time or another. It’s
like its all part of the package, sometimes it’s got pretty wrappings and bows
and others times its like it was wrapped from a newspaper out of the garbage.
But it never stays just one or the other. You know what I mean?”
Buffy
smiled and nodded. “Do you still love me?”
Yes. No. Neither answer is right and
neither is wrong.
“I’m so
confused,” Spike said. “I’ll always love you but I don’t know if I trust you or
even want to be in love with you anymore.”
Buffy
didn’t cry or scream or even rant. She sat quietly beside him as she wrung her
hands and breathed in and out as if she was counting the beats. He waited. She
was working up to something and he was ready to hear.
“I’m sorry
for what I did,” Buffy said. ”My head was so messed up, filled with all the
things Drusilla was telling me and showing me. He wanted our baby and I never, never intended for him to have her. I
thought I could handle it without anyone getting hurt this time; no Giles being
skewered, no Tara going crazy, no one else dying because of me but as usual I
only made it worse.”
It was seven months, Buffy; couldn’t
you see what was happening? To you? To us? To everyone around you? Why do you
always feel like you’re in this alone?
Buffy
kissed his cheek and stood. “You once asked me if I could love all that you
were and now I guess I’m asking you the same. I’m not going to give up on us
and I’ll be around when you know for sure. You’re worth the wait.”
Am I?
~~~~~~~~
Where did this come from?
Why are all my colors faded brown?
When did it change?
What’s with the rage?
There was
no way to avoid the ‘conversation’ anymore. The buffer of their family was
gone. The children were asleep. It was down to her and him. Slowly he climbed
the stairs wishing they would go on forever so he didn’t have to go through
with this. Anything was better than dealing with the myriad emotions that
danced below the raging pain.
Spike
stepped into their attic room, and wonder danced in his heart at the sight
before him.
Buffy was holding
their baby to her breast.
I will never complain about that
damn bra again. Not if this is what I can look at.
“Come on,
honey, I know I’m not who you’re used to holding you when you wake up,” Buffy
said, both love and panic lacing her words. “You didn’t mind me doing this when
Auntie Tara and Kate were here helping us.”
Journey
refused to latch onto the nipple that Buffy was brushing against her cheek. The
little one kept fussing making matching tears fall from Buffy’s eyes. She glanced
up at him, frustration marring her face and he hurried to their side. Sitting
on the couch, Spike took their baby in his arms.
“Hey,
what’s wrong?” Spike cooed, rocking his daughter in the way that soothed her.
“No crying allowed. Are you hungry?”
“Maybe you
should just give her a bottle.”
Don’t give up, Buffy, she needs you.
“Face me,”
Spike instructed, turning toward Buffy. “It’s going to be okay.” He scooted
closer to his wife until Journey was against her breast again. His fingers
guided his daughter to the nourishment she needed. “Take it. It’s really good. I’ve
kind of always liked it myself.” This time Journey started to feed. “Hold her,
Buffy.”
Once Buffy was
cuddling their baby, Spike pulled his shirt off, and wrapped it around Journey.
“Kate said
smells are really important. Maybe if…”
“If she has
your scent then she’ll accept me.”
“Yeah,”
Spike said, going to the window and leaned against it.
“Thank
you,” Buffy said. “I know it was for her but thank you.”
Spike
didn’t reply. It wasn’t just for Journey. It was for them both. They needed
each other. And contrary to any promises made before if he and Buffy broke up
the kids and the house would be his. She wouldn’t be able to handle it alone.
Not right now. She would be soon but not now.
His mind
wandered back to a conversation between him and Giles.
Spike had gone to see Giles in an
attempt to clear the chaos from his mind. Someone who knew Buffy almost as well
as he did. He had to know. He had to figure something out before it was too
late.
“Spike,” Giles said, his arm around
his shoulders. “I’m going to tell you the same thing I told her once very long
ago. To forgive is an act of compassion. It’s not done because people deserve
it. It’s done because they need it.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You will if you want to keep your
family together. You will if you want her back. There is no other way.”
“How do I?”
“Just decide that having her is more
important than the anger you’re holding onto.”
The best
thing for everyone was if he and Buffy stayed together. Sean and Raven were
already counting on it. Elijah hadn’t cried all night with his Mummy home. He
would be a right bastard to send her away. Their family needed for them to find
a way to make it work. Buffy was willing, more than willing and everything hung
on his decision.
Can I trust you? Can I love you even
though you’re no longer on the pedestal I kept you on for so long? Can I love
the woman you’ve become?
The first
step to finding out the answers was for him to forgive her. He sat across from
her again, marveling at the tiny infant drinking from Buffy’s breast. He
watched the peace on his wife’s face as she participated in a ritual as old as
time.
“I forgive
you.”
The words
came as quickly as he made the decision and he only hoped that she would
understand. Her eyes searched his face and he wanted to say the other words she
needed but he couldn’t.
“Thank
you,” Buffy whispered. She seemed about ready to say something else but
stopped, returning her gaze to their child. Her fingers drifted over Journey’s
soft cheek.
“Do you
forgive me?”
For not listening, for screaming at
you, for not understanding your pain, do you forgive me for letting you down?
“I did a
long time ago,” Buffy said, taking his hand.
They had
taken the first step…together.
~~~~~~~~
Who’s the dude with the extra roll?
What’s the verse, the line, the
chapter, the page?
“I can’t believe
I’m doing this,” Buffy said, lying back on the table in their small
kitchenette. “Is this some fetish you’ve never told me about?”
“No,” Spike
said, glancing up from where he was arranging things. “You said it needed to be
done and I volunteered.”
“You never
have before.”
I never needed to find my girl
before.
“Open up,”
Spike said, his hands resting on her knees, “can’t do it unless you spread your
legs.”
“It’s
embarrassing,” Buffy said, keeping her legs firmly together. “I know its stupid
considering all the things we’ve done but it’s never been so clinical before…”
He tickled
the back of her knees. “Be a good girl for Dr. Spike and he’ll give you a
lollipop when we’re done.”
What the hell was that? Playing?
We’re supposed to be talking, being serious, deciding our lives and you’re
playing doctor.
“No,” Buffy
said, shaking her head and giggling. “I already had a lollipop today.”
Spike
rested his chin on her knees, staring soulfully into her eyes, “Please, don’t
you trust me?”
Of all the stupid, lamebrain questions
to ask, you had to ask that one.
Her legs
fell open, spreading to reveal her to him, “Yes, I trust you.”
I don’t believe you.
It was a
ghastly thought but it was true. If she had then she would have come to him.
She would have told him everything. He wondered if he’d ever know everything or
if he’d ever understand why. His fingers
spread the shaving cream over her labia as Buffy stared at him.
“It was me
that I didn’t trust,” Buffy said.
That I believe.
“It doesn’t
make sense,” Spike said, pulling the razor across her flesh. He sighed. “I
don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me. I’d die for you and you couldn’t
yell help.”
“I don’t
want you to die for me,” Buffy whispered. “I want you to live for me.”
“And all I
wanted was you.”
“I didn’t
go anywhere…”
“Yes, you
did,” Spike bit out, pulling away from her; afraid of accidentally hurting her.
“You were gone and I don’t understand why. I don’t know if I can ever trust you
again.”
“I can tell
you everything, every moment of the entire time but it won’t erase it. I can
tell you every reason why I thought it was necessary not to tell you but you’ll
only see it as I didn’t trust you.”
Because you didn’t.
Spike
returned to shaving her, concentrating on the cold metal as it took away the
hair neither of them was used to. Buffy
lay perfectly still, her eyes closed, letting him close to her…trusting him not
to cut her. Trusting him with her heart, trusting him with their children and
all of their futures, trusting him to make her dreams come true, trusting him
to come back to her; and he understood that there were a thousand ways that she
did trust him.
Maybe it wasn’t because she didn’t
trust you. Maybe it was because she was terrified, confused and doing the best
she could.
And that
made him even more of an ass than he thought. It was easier to blame her for
everything that went wrong than accept the truth. Easier than accepting his
fair share of the blame. If he’d taken care of Dagon before, if he’d taken care
of Drusilla, if he’d listened to what Buffy was saying it would have turned out
differently. The pregnancy might have been a joyous time that they could have
shared instead of the nightmare that made Buffy terrified to ever carry another
child.
Spike wiped
the last of the cream away. “All done and I must say it’s quite pretty.”
“Pig,”
Buffy said, sitting up and glancing down. “Not bad.” She waggled her brows at
him. “Wanna take a shower with me? Give it a test drive?”
“Don’t you
think we need to talk? Finish this? Make some kind of decision.”
Buffy
sighed, slid off the table and pulling her robe around her. He watched as she
cleaned up after their experiment and finally returned to stand in front of
him. “Okay, let’s talk. Do you want
details? Do you want promises that won’t be accepted because you don’t trust
me? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? Do you want to beat me up?”
“Fine be
that way,” Spike snapped. “Make jokes, shag me, play with me but don’t be
serious with me. I guess it doesn’t matter to you.”
“No, William,
it does matter to me. It matters a lot to me but you’re digging for something
that isn’t going to magically appear no matter how many times we say the same
words. I want to start living again. I want us to build a new and stronger life
together. And yes, I want to make love to you because that’s all it’s ever been
for me. No matter what form it takes. It’s always been done in love.”
“Except
when you let Drusilla in our bed,” Spike said, closing his eyes. Humiliation
and shame filled him at the thought of Drusilla being with him when he didn’t
even know it. It was a violation of the vows he made to Buffy the summer before
and the promises that he made to her when they were first together. It was a
violation of him.
Is this how she felt? Is this how
I’d feel if I’d been unfaithful?
“Oh,” Buffy
said, cupping his face, stroking the angled planes of his cheeks with her
thumbs. “We shared thoughts and feelings but it was only me that made love to
you. Your love was too powerful to let her between us. You were always the link
in the chain holding us together and when you made love to me it closed
everything out. Remember when you explained the ritual to me and you said that
you could choose what to open up or close. You heart was a shield protecting
what was sacred between mates.”
“Then how?”
Spike asked, unsure of how to proceed. “How could Dagon?”
“There were
times when Drusilla was completely in control and she’d switch bodies with me
or she’d open the gates so that we were flowing into one. He’d see the distant
look in her eyes and he’d strike.” Buffy stopped, her hands dropping to her
sides, her eyes closed as revulsion crossed her face. “He…he got off on hurting
us. Either one, it didn’t matter because we both belonged to you and it would
hurt you to hurt us. I fought him, Will, I did…I never wanted that…” Buffy
choked back a sob, leaning into him, silently begging for his comfort.
“I’m
sorry,” Spike said, wrapping his arms around her. “Oh, God, Buffy, I’m so
sorry…I swore I’d always protect you and I didn’t…I failed.”
“No, we
have to stop this,” Buffy cried. “We have to get past this blaming, this
guilt.”
I can’t stop. I just started dealing
with this. You’ve had time and people to talk to...I’m always on the outside. I
don’t understand any of this. I always let you go. Why can’t I hold on to you?
Do I want to hold onto you?
“I’m right
here,” Buffy said, squeezing him close to her. “Right here with you for as long
as I can.”
No more
promises of forever. They both realized that was a false dream that you could
be woken from at any moment. All they had was today and she was promising him
that.
And he
trusted her enough to give it to him.
~~~~~~~~~
You think you’re alone without any
place left to go
Like you need one of those kisses
long and slow
Sweet…like honey…hot…dripping on my
tongue like candy.
Buffy was
moaning and thrashing under the attention his tongue was giving to her newly
shaven pussy. He licked her up and down, tasting every crevice and spot,
letting it coat his tongue and face. He wanted to swim inside of her, to
disappear forever into her cunt, to keep tasting her, it was his heaven. Her
fingers wound through his hair and he took a deep breath before burying his
face between her lips, his tongue snaking up inside her.
Why the hell did I do something so
that I have to breathe? Just want to keep my nose in here forever.
“Please,
don’t stop, almost there,” Buffy pleaded, her toes digging into his ribs. “Oh,
God, Baby, it feels so good. Need you so much…only you.”
Her
babbling pushed him to the edge as his hips wiggled against the sheets,
stimulating his cock, simulating sex as his fingers pressed into her body,
searching and pushing for that spot as his mouth latched on her clit. He sucked
it into his mouth like she had with him earlier and Buffy shot up as her hand
covered her mouth to stifle the scream he provoked.
Oh, yeah, still got it. I’m still
the big bad…still bad to the bone. Yep, still can satisfy my lady and make her
lose control.
Spike crawled
up her trembling body; planting kisses along her sweat streaked flesh and settled
against her still pulsating sex. He nuzzled her throat, nipping along while
rubbing himself along her slit.
“Stop, Will,”
Buffy gasped. “I can get preg…”
“Sorry,” Spike
responded, rolling off of her and onto his back with an arm flung over his
face. How did he go from being the best
lover to dunce in the space of a minute? Buffy’s hand crept across his chest
but he ignored it, ignored her sigh until he heard her sitting up. He looked
out to see her getting out of the bed. He grabbed her shoulder. “Don’t go.
I…don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
His hand
cupped the back of her neck and pulled Buffy down. She sprawled across his
torso with her arm lying across his thighs. His hand had never left her and
moved up into her hair as she settled on him. The short locks were caressed and
dangled through fingers before his hand drifted along the neck no longer hidden
behind her long hair. He spread his hand out along her upper back as he
explored her.
“Is it so
bad?” Buffy asked as his hand returned to her hair.
“No, not
really, it’s just different but it could have its benefits.” She shivered as
his fingers tickled the back of her neck. “So, do you have those things?”
“Yeah.”
Sometime
during the day she must have put the condoms into the nightstand. She pulled
one out and handed it to him.
What am I supposed to do with this
thing?
“Want me
to?” Buffy asked.
Spike
nodded and he watched as she sheathed his cock in the condom.
Why the hell do blokes wear these
things? I look ridiculous and it’s uncomfortable.
Buffy
laughed and he looked up from where he’d been staring at it.
“Is it that
bad?”
“Yeah, it
is,” Spike said, glancing up at her. Something shifted in her eyes and he went
to cover. “I’ll get used to it. Don’t how the hell I’m supposed to feel
anything with it all covered up?”
“If you’d
like,” Buffy said, shifting onto her stomach and raising her ass just a bit.
“We can do it this way.”
It was
impulse. He smacked her ass. She yelped and rolled onto her back. The look on
her face was priceless as she stared at him.
That was good, go and piss her off.
See if you get any now.
Buffy
pounced, straddling him while her finger poked into his chest. “You are mean and
evil and a…”
“And a
what?” Spike asked, flipping them. His
fingers danced along her ribs while she giggled uncontrollably beneath him. Her
hands beat along his arms but he ignored her protests, digging into her waist.
“Stop,
please stop,” Buffy pleaded, laughing as she twisted trying to get away.
“Please, don’t, god, stop, Spike stop it.”
She called me Spike.
They both
stopped, staring at each other, accepting that she had reverted to his nickname
again. Spike stared into her eyes, waiting, something telling him that this
slip was momentous in some way. It was. He saw a wall break inside of her, the
dust flaring in the shifting shade of her eyes, her hands running over his body
like she needed to remind herself that he was alive.
“Spike,
Spike, my Spike,” Buffy chanted, each utterance of his name punctuated by a
kiss to his flesh, to his lips. Her hands clutched at him, pushing him onto his
back, sinking onto his length. “Spike, Spike, I was so scared that you didn’t
want me. Spike, I love you, Spike, I tired to pretend you were someone else.
Not my Spike, not my heart, not my lover.”
Spike met
each rise and fall of her hips, grinding against him, accepting him home. The
last of her walls broke as he watched in wonder. The unfamiliar cloaked them while
they tried to hide but this was them. This was her soul completely bared before
him. She held nothing back. The bed rocked and squeaked giving accompaniment to
the power of the music they made as he met her with his heart wide open. They
were two forces of nature colliding as they found each other again. Beneath the
surface changes they found that their hearts and souls were still the same as
they came undone in each other’s arms.
~~~~~~~~
First glance is not what it seems
But there’s some things I just know
Like you take two sugars with a
splash of cream
Buffy was
singing. “The bough breaks and down will
come baby cradle and all.”
Smiling,
Spike stumbled into the kitchen, looking first for his wife and baby. They were
sitting at the table Journey nestled in his wife’s arms.
“Look,
there’s Daddy,” Buffy cooed. “He finally woke up.”
Spike
laughed, turning to look around the kitchen for the rest of his family.
“Good
morning,” Spike said, hugging Eli, making him laugh. He turned to Buffy,
leaning over to kiss her cheek as his fingers tickled Journey’s stomach. “Good
morning to you bitsy. Mummy get you fed and stuff.”
“Spike,”
Buffy said. “Do you think I’m not capable of taking care of our baby?”
God, you’re beautiful.
“You should
have seen her with the diaper,” Raven said, sitting across from her parents.
“It was hilarious.”
“Do you
have to tell on Mum?” Sean complained, smacking Raven in the back of her head
before sitting at the head of the table.
It would
seem like pettiness and bitching if everyone wasn’t grinning. Spike sat back,
rubbing his son’s back as Eli ate his breakfast. There was no tension anywhere
in the room except maybe from Candy whining to go out.
Thank god, if I had to step in
piddle one more time, that animal would have been a snack.
“Hey, so
what are doing this summer?” Raven asked, loading her plate with food. “I was
thinking maybe we could go to the beach on vacation. Connor said he’d take over
patrolling so I could leave town.”
“No,
beach,” Sean said, pulling the platter toward him. “I say we go to
“Disney,”
Elijah said, leaning back against his father. “I wanna go to Disney.”
“We already
did that,” Raven said. “If not the beach, how about we go to
“Do you
have to be so frivolous?” Sean asked, casting a dirty look at his sister.
“Oh, like
the mountains is some great intellectual retreat.”
“Hey,
shush, you two,”
Spike
glanced at Buffy but her eyes remained downcast refusing to look at him. They
had broken barriers down last night but he still hadn’t said if he still wanted
her in his life. She wasn’t sure if she would be around to go on vacation with
them.
Oh, Baby, don’t you know how much I
love you? How much I need you?
Spike
reached over and tucked a small curl behind her ear. He smiled at her when she
bravely looked up at him but there was still uncertainty in her eyes.
“
His
proclamation seemed to go unheard from the children as they continued to argue
on where they wanted to go. Spike didn’t hear them as Buffy gazed at him with
happiness shining from her eyes for the first time in months.
“Come here,
wench,” Spike said, pulling her to him, kissed her and then whispered against
her ear. “I love you. Stay with me forever.”
“No where
else I want to be,” Buffy sighed. “Hey,” she turned to face the children upon
hearing Raven’s latest idea. “I am not taking Journey on a camping trip into
the
“Well, that
leaves out everyplace that will be fun,” Raven complained, resting her chin in
her hand.
“Well,
Cordelia did rent that huge house on the beach…” Buffy said.
Yep, we’re together again.
Spike sat
back and watched as his family playfully argued about where they were going to
go on vacation. It was real and they were in it together.
For better
or worse till the end of time.
~~The End~~
**Song
lyrics are ‘The Back of Your Hand’ by Dwight Yoakum
Author’s Note: Do you still have unanswered questions about the Baby
universe? Questions like: Do Raven and Connor ever get together or does their
love fade as first love often does? Does Cordelia win back Angel’s heart? Does
Max ever find love and someplace to live besides the Blood’s couch? Is there
any freaking way that Buffy and Spike could have a little romance and adventure
without the heart wrenching angst in just one of these stories? If so then keep
an eye out for Down Comes Baby; the
fourth installment in the Baby series.
