September 28, 2007 6:17 PM
All Buffy wanted was to curl up somewhere and hide but she forced herself to
stand there behaving normally when she knew that it wasn’t. Normal that
was or maybe it was just her that wasn’t normal. Spike had said it was
okay. Raven had said it was okay. Then they had rushed to the store to get the
deli chicken she was now arranging on a platter because she had forgotten to
turn the oven on so that dinner could cook. When you thought about what she
had done it was trivial but it wasn’t the first time that she had forgotten
to do simple things.
The lists that everyone had teased her about at one point or another were becoming her lifeline to get through the day. There hadn’t really been anything major and it had only happened a few times so she was trying not to take it too seriously. Not until she had seen the doctors. Hopefully it was related to the pregnancy and would fade soon. And that was why she hadn’t told Spike yet because he was looking into all the mystical reasons for this blackness that was coming so she was going to concentrate on the physical and mental problems she was having now. The forgetfulness, the non-touching and the mood swings. Kate had said that most likely it was all pregnancy related and not to worry.
But Monday she had an appointment with Dr. Parker for further tests which she had asked Giles to take her to. That was something else that she hadn’t told Spike about. If there was something wrong then she wanted the chance to deal with it before telling him. Spike would be devastated if there was something physically wrong with her that he couldn’t fight.
She had also told Sara everything that was going on and the fear that was threatening to take her over as surely as the blackness that Lorne had predicted. Sara had said the same thing as Kate but wanted to discuss the results of her tests with Kate and Dr. Parker. So, Buffy had signed the release forms for them to have a conference to discuss her condition. She trusted Kate and Sara and knew that they wouldn’t give up until they knew for sure what was wrong or wasn’t wrong with her.
Sara had also requested that Buffy start coming back once a week instead of the every three weeks schedule that they had just started. It felt like a step back but she wanted to do the best thing for her family so she had agreed. The baby came first above everything and hopefully by next week she would know that everything was fine and they could concentrate on the mystical threat.
Now she just had to keep all this from Spike for just a couple more days and they would be set.
“Mummy,” Elijah whispered and patted her arm.
“What’s up?”
“The rolls, we forgot the rolls.”
And her son, always knowing her pain, had become her co-conspirator in her problems. He kept helping her when she was forgetful or spacey and she was afraid to ask him what he felt around her. If he felt the fragmentation in her that she did. So, he became her fellow schemer in trying to keep anyone else from knowing that something wasn’t quite right.
Buffy squatted down so she could look him in the eyes, “Thanks, baby. I appreciate it.”
After she stood again and reached for the rolls to take to the table, he laughed and patted her stomach.
“I’m not the baby. Baby in there, I’m your little prince.” He chortled.
Buffy laughed along with him bending down to kiss the top of his head. “Yes, you are my little prince and Mummy loves you.”
“Love you, too.”
Taking the plate of rolls in one hand and the chicken in the other, Buffy headed toward the dining room with Elijah right behind her.
~~~~~~~~
There was an awkward atmosphere around the dinner table as the family passed
the food around, helping themselves as they stole glances at each other. Raven
had invited Dawn and Josh to dinner to discuss the protest that they wanted
to do and, of course, to get her parent’s permission. Unfortunately without
the distraction of a party and a crowd of people no one was completely comfortable.
In the past Dawn had always sat at Spike’s side so they could gang up
on everyone else and especially Buffy. But now Dawn was sitting at the other
end of the table with Josh being a buffer between her and Spike.
Everyone jumped when Spike spoke even though he was using his quiet, accent fully on, ‘I’m in control’ voice.
“Sean, I’ve left two messages for your parents and they haven’t called me back.”
It was times like this that Raven could see the awkwardness that her Dad still had about his new role and this life he led. It was like his skin was borrowed from someone else and he was playing a game as he sat at the head of the table, dressed in civvies clothes, and eating chicken and green beans. How did you go from a hundred years of mayhem and murder to being Eric Camden in just a few years? How did you go from being a warrior that saved the world all the time to a gentle father?
It almost didn’t make sense and sometimes she would imagine that one day he would stand up, throw off this suburban costume and leave in a flash of smoke with dramatic music playing. She wondered if he was happy like this. Was this what he had really been working for on his road to redemption or if this was something that he fell into and wondered how to get out of? Like the day of her birthday when he had needed to flex his muscles and hit something? The nest would have been there later but he had needed to fight to remind him that he wasn’t all this. Was it worth giving up for this?
She picked up the plate of rolls, took one and as she passed the plate to Spike, she was reminded why it was worth it for him. His face softened into a countenance of such peace and devotion that it almost hurt to see it. Her father was looking at her mother. It was love that had tamed him so completely and she wondered if he would be able to hold it together without her. To keep the family a family if this blackness took her away.
She and her brother weren’t supposed to know about the blackness but she had listened to conversations and had heard the whispered words. And she knew why they hadn’t told them yet. It was because they didn’t know anything about it yet but they forgot about Elijah. That Elijah knew things and felt things that went on in the world around him. And he always came to her first so that she could tell him what to do about it. It was the old game of children versus parents and Raven liked being the interpreter of his ‘feelings’ so he told her before anyone else.
And Elijah felt the blackness.
If that was what it was that was making Mum act the way she had been lately. Like not turning the oven on and the constant list checking to make sure everything was done. Until her parent’s knew what was going on she didn’t want to burden them with the fact that they knew. There would be time because Elijah said that Mum’s light was only a little dimmer than what it used to be.
So, Raven had told him to help Mum any way he could and to keep her informed about things that happened. Every thing that he told her and that she saw she marked in a little book that was hidden in her room. Once Mum and Dad knew about what was going on then she would give them the list so they knew a little more.
She waited until Sean told Spike he should be able to get a hold of his parent’s this weekend. Weekends were always a little easier because they were pretty much at home.
It was time. Time for her to start forging her own path and it wasn’t because she doubted her parent’s love. Raven knew that they were loved and wanted here. She and her brother had been drawn into the brilliant light of her parent’s love and it was warm and safe here. There was no doubt that Sean was being pulled in too despite the things Mum and Dad didn’t know yet she was confident that he would soon be a permanent member of the house.
Just in case the blackness couldn’t be defeated then she needed her own life; a purpose besides being Raven Sylvia Montgomery Blood, elder sister to Elijah Martin Montgomery Blood, and daughter of William and Buffy Blood. And with her fingers crossed under the table, she added, the future wife of Connor.
So, taking a deep breath she opened her mouth to start her well prepared speech.
~~~~~~~~
It was one of those cases of not knowing what to do or how to do it. What do
you say to your wife’s little sister who had confessed that you were what
she measured even her husband by? That was a lot for anyone much less a souled
redeemed vampire to take. He was afraid to even look at her because it might
give her the wrong impression. All those times when he had hugged her, held
her and danced with her it had been arousal he had smelled and he had denied
it. What was he going to do? Enjoy it? It was Dawn who was always a child to
him although not as much now that she was a married woman but it was still a
completely unwanted knowledge.
So, he sat at the end of the table like a good little denier and shoveled food in his mouth. Even as a vampire he had loved food but now it had more flavor and texture than ever before even washed down with the blood he still needed. Buffy teased him and said it was because he had quit smoking but food was definitely a priority in his life now. Cigarettes and sex were gone so food was it. So, much so that he had gained ten pounds in the last month and a half.
No one was talking. It grated on his nerves. Buffy was embarrassed because she had forgotten to turn the oven on, Dawn was as afraid of him as he was of her, Josh didn’t know whose side to be on, Sean wasn’t comfortable in his new environment, Elijah was just taking everything in and Raven was working up to something. She had that humming quality about her that teenage girls had and soon she was going to burst out with it.
Forcing himself to open his mouth he asked Sean about his parent’s again. It was weird that they hadn’t called them back. When Raven even went to a family member’s house to spend the night he was on the phone to check up on her. There just wasn’t something right about having your son across the country and not making sure that he was safe. He would give it this weekend before pushing the issue. They had paperwork to take care of him and if his parents didn’t want to care than Spike and Buffy did.
And that brought him back to Buffy; his wife who seemed to be in one kind of trouble or another and keeping secrets from him again. She forgot that he knew her too well. Every motion and gesture was imbedded into him, he knew her relaxed, tense, fighting, angry, lustful and broken in defeat, or like she was now, secretive.
Giles had called him to let him know what Buffy was up to. It wasn’t that he was trying to betray her confidence but just to make sure that she was kept safe. And Spike decided not to call her on it. If it helped her to think she wasn’t worrying him then let her have that much piece of mind. Kate said that what Buffy was afraid of was probably nothing more than pregnancy woes compounded by this blackness threat. The tests would prove she was fine and then they could concentrate on other things.
Raven handed him the plate of rolls and after grabbing two passed them to Josh all the while watching his wife.
Elijah and Buffy were whispering to each other. Both of them wore this intensely goofy grin as they decided if they wanted fried or rotisserie chicken as if the fate of the world depended on it. And his insides turned to mush as he watched them. He had fought them being parents and it was something that Buffy had taken to like a duck to water. Even having problems like she was she was totally focused on their children even enough to include Sean into the circle.
Buffy was his world because she had given him the world. She was the catalyst for this life he had now. When he had chosen to be in a living body again he had allowed himself to fully surrender to this life and path they had followed. To allow himself to be vulnerable to her and his love for her by giving up lifetimes without her and this was it for better or worse. The one shot for his happiness was here and not out there somewhere or eons from now or even with someone else it was here in this house with this family and he would fight for it and her with everything he had.
He heard Raven take a deep breath and turned toward her. She was ready to let the cat out of the bag.
~~~~~~~~~~
Josh figured if he concentrated on his food enough he could ignore the tension
between his wife and his brother-in-law. It practically danced on the air between
them and it made him wish that he could leave. To leave her and Sunnydale and
this whole mess behind him but he knew that he wouldn’t. Eventually Dawn
would see that her feelings for this vampire were just a fairy tale that wasn’t
real. That he was her future and her life and could give her the love she wanted.
That one day she would see that he could give her the attention she wanted without
her having to screech for it.
In a way he had hoped that they would never make up because during her estrangement from the family she had been happier and more confident than she was when she was around them. Not that he was blaming them. It was her. She had never really gotten over losing everything and feeling that everyone she loved had failed her.
For five years now he had been the one that had held her secrets and dreams; had been the one to soothe her when no one else noticed something wrong. But yet she had always vied for Spike’s attention and when it failed Dawn had turned to him to make her feel like a woman.
Spike passed the plate of rolls to him and after taking one passed the plate to Dawn who accepted it with that soft sexy smile of hers. It was too much sometimes to love Dawn but then the rewards were what made it so worthwhile. He had been her first lover and she responded so easily to him. To his touch and he knew that in bed there was no one else there.
Josh sighed softly and let his attention drift around the table to Elijah and Buffy discussing chicken, to Spike’s look of adoration for his wife, to Sean trying to be inconspicuous but yet fit in and to Raven rehearsing her speech and working up the courage to say it. In spite of it all this was family and would always be his family even if Dawn decided to leave him one day.
He had grown up knowing up about demons and their world but they had never touched his pristine life on the upper west side of New York. It was his parent’s life not his as he did all the things a kid like him was supposed to do. The private school, the piano lessons and soccer games on Saturday were his world until his Dad had trusted the wrong demon and had been found stabbed in an alley.
Then the rules changed as his mother closed herself off from everything and became a cold desolate woman. The love he had taken for granted was no longer there until it all changed again. In a demon war on the street his mother had done what she had always done and he had been there to help her tend the wounded. Then when they had been hunted for helping the wrong side it had been mad dash to close off their lives so they could come here to Sunnydale. It was where Kate could fight another war but she had found her soul mate instead. Now Josh knew love and family again and to his surprise they included vampires, demons, fairies, brownies, Slayers and a very special key. And he was happier than he had ever been in his life.
He heard Raven take a deep breath and knew it was time. It was time for a new chapter even though they didn’t realize it. Raven, Dawn and Sean had never really seen war but if they did this protest that was what they were declaring. War. And he hoped they were really ready for it.
~~~~~~~~
He hadn’t even looked at her when she had come through the front door and as a matter of fact, he had run muttering about checking something in his study. But it was her fault. Dawn Summers had done it again. She had ruined their relationship and now because of that everyone at this table was uncomfortable. Well, not totally her fault. She knew that Buffy was upset because she thought she had ruined dinner and Raven was going to throw herself on a limb about the protest but still, a lot of it was her.
From under her lashes she glanced at him as she accepted the plate of rolls from Josh. She hated this estrangement from the man who had once been her best friend because she had let go of secrets that were the kind better not ever told. It wasn’t like by telling him that she had expected anything to change or even wanted it. Josh was her life now, her lover and best friend. That horrible year that Buffy had left them was the year she had known that Spike was never going to be hers no matter what happened. But it was also a wonderful year because Buffy had come home and made Spike happy and she had met Josh and Giles had married Kate.
And her life had changed from then on. It would never be without the demons and the fighting but the uncertainty and pain of those years from the technical beginning of her existence through that year was gone. She had been happy. Happier than a lot of people she had known. Josh had never wavered in his love for her and she had a whole family. A Mom and Dad again, something that Buffy had missed out on.
But now finally Buffy had what she had always wanted; the home, the husband and the kids.
Dawn was happy for her as she looked around the table. If only this thing that was threatening her sister could be defeated then everything in her future looked great. She swore that she would be there for Buffy no matter what and if she could she would take whatever the blackness was upon herself. Buffy had died for her once and had defended her even when others suggested she be destroyed and she would return that devotion with her own.
Spike handed Raven the plate of chicken and Dawn observed the look on his face. It was one of amusement, indulgence and love as he made a comment about her needing to work off the food as she took two pieces. It was the one he used to give her a long time ago when she wasn’t much older than Raven and she realized that he had never left her or stopped loving her. His feelings had evolved because life and time had gone on and she wasn’t a child to be played with but a married woman who needed a more discreet distance from her brother-in-law and once again she felt foolish.
If they were ever going to be any kind of friends again it would be up to her. And it was time to mend the fences. She heard Raven take a deep breath and knew the speech was going to be made and she looked up and caught Spike’s eye. He was wearing that pained look of an older adult knowing that a scheme was about to be unfurled for him to deal with and she flashed him that smile that Buffy always used to give him when she thought Dawn wouldn’t notice. It was the one that asked for continued patience and love in dealing with the child. And Spike smiled back and for the first time in months she felt hope for their relationship.
~~~~~~~~~
Sean smiled as he looked around the table trying not to draw too much attention
his way. These people were different from any people he had ever known. His
whole world had been Lankasha and its people. For him to pack up only one bag
to bring with him and travel across the country to Sunnydale had taken every
bit of courage he had. He watched the plate of rolls passed from one person
to the next as if an invisible thread linked them with the passage. Family.
He didn’t know what that really was except for Raven and her families.
It was funny that Raven had been given two families in her lifetime and he really
had none. But he was grateful because his friend was willing to share hers.
He heard Buffy laugh as she talked to Elijah and he really hoped the problems she had been having was just pregnancy related and not the blackness everyone feared. Buffy was a special woman, stronger than any female he had known and it wasn’t physical. It took someone with a very special heart to have survived her life and now to create life. It wasn’t just having a baby but the opening of her doors to children who weren’t her own and loving them as if they were. He only hoped that she and her vampire mate would allow him to stay.
This was what he had been craving for all of his lonely life and he would give everything he had to keep it. So, he had vowed to always be a help around the house, to be quiet, to do good in school and to fight their fights including the one that was coming for Buffy. To see the light go out of those eyes would be a loss for everyone and he wasn’t sure if this family could survive without her. She was the center of everyone’s life here. Without her it would never have existed and how did a universe continue to exist without its sun.
He reached over and plucked the last of the roll from the plate and as he reached for the butter he heard Raven take a deep breath and knew the first explosion was coming.
~~~~~~~
“Okay, Mum, Dad, I was thinking, well, Dawn and I were thinking, see there’s going to be a protest at the university next weekend by that human club thingie and we want to stage a counter protest.” Raven spit out as she complete forgot the speech she had practiced for days. And now because she sounded like a complete idiot they would tell her no.
Dawn laughed which turned to giggles then Sean joined in and Josh started in with that weird baritone guffaw he had. Elijah screeched in laughter just so that he could be included.
“Thanks a lot for the support people.”
She had wanted so much for everything to be right. Sean had helped her with writing the speech and she had actually stood in front of the mirror to practice. Instead she had babbled out a sentence that probably no one could figure out. But as she listened to the laughter around her and her father’s lips twitched and her mother hid her mouth behind her hand, Raven couldn’t help but laugh too.
And as the laughter filled the room the tension between everyone shattered like fine crystal.
Suddenly everyone was talking over the other as questions were asked and answered about the protest and Buffy and Spike kept having a silent conversation about it.
“It’s going to be at the university?” Spike finally asked and everyone fell silent as they realized that it was serious time now.
“Yes sir.” Raven answered.
“The club protest is permitted by the university?” Buffy asked.
“Yes, it is. I already checked it out and we can get the same permission as they did.” Dawn answered.
“Mum, Dad, this is what Giles was talking about when he came over to tell me I was the Slayer. That it was about changing the future for humans and demons and I feel that this is an important step in that direction.” Raven said. These words were from the heart and not part of the speech.
There was one more silent conversation between her parents in which their brows did a mirror raising as they decided.
“Fine, but I want to see permits or whatever else to show that this is okay with the university.” Spike said.
“Thanks Dad.”
It was settled. They had permission. The rest of dinner was a noisy comfortable affair that signified a true family meal. The demons of doubts and insecurity were now banished from their lives even if only for a few hours as everyone bonded together again. The talk covered the protest, school, and Buffy’s pregnancy. Normal things for a normal family with normal lives and for a little while they all forgot that their lives were anything but normal but yet somewhere they all knew that they would be reminded of the truth another day.
