June 21, 2007 10:15 PM

The Harris household was almost dark except for one dim light in the master bedroom. Spike grinned with devilment at the possibility of interrupting the married couple as he approached the front door. With a closed fist he laid a few pounding hits on the door and waited for someone to answer. After a couple of minutes of not getting a response he pounded a little harder and this time he heard someone approaching the door.

“What?” Xander asked in irritation as he yanked the door open. Anya was standing right behind him pulling his t-shirt down around his waist.

“Sorry, didn’t interrupt, did I?” Spike asked innocently as they both looked at him in disgust.

“Yes, as a matter of fact you did. Now go away.” Anya said as she went to close the door but was thwarted by Spike’s hand against it.

“Look, I need a favor before I go home. Come on let me in.” He tried to look like he was in desperate need as he pouted at her.

“No, Spike, this is the first time in days that we have had a chance or the energy to have sex. Now go away.” Anya tried to shut the door again.

“If you don’t let me in voluntarily then I will have to remind you that you wouldn’t even have a chance to have sex together if it wasn’t for me.” Spike pulled the little reminder of his saving Xander’s life out as a last chance effort to get through the door.

“Oh, my God. Fine, come in. Just don’t take long. I want to have orgasms tonight.” Anya muttered as she turned to head toward the back of the house.

The two men looked at each and laughed as she disappeared into the master bedroom.

“Sorry, Harris, but I need to take a shower and borrow some clothes before I go home.” Spike explained plucking at the clothes he was wearing.

Xander leaned forward and took a sniff of Spike. The vampire smelled like expensive perfume with a twinge of raspberries.

“Buffy would kill me going home smelling like her.” Spike told his friend sheepishly.

“Yeah, she would. Come on. You know where the bathroom is. I’ll get you something to wear.”

“Thanks.”

A little while later after he had showered and changed he moved toward the laundry room where he pulled his dirty clothes out of the duffel bag. After dumping them in the washer he moved into the kitchen where Xander was sitting.

“Sit, Spike,” the brunette said seriously as his friend came into the room.

Spike raised an eyebrow at the tone but sat anyway.

“We are friends aren’t we?” Xander asked waving his right hand as his eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, I guess but I don’t want it getting around. Might ruin my reputation.” Spike replied in mock seriousness.

Xander nodded not laughing at Spike’s attempt at humor which put the blonde on the defensive.

“You going to give me a lecture or tell me how wrong I am. I don’t need it, Harris.”

“No, no lectures because the way I see it, you just don’t understand some things.”

“And like you do.” Spike scoffed“

I think I do. I’ve been married for almost five years now and went through almost two years of counseling so that I could stay married. Look, Spike, I already told you no lecture. I just want to tell you about my day yesterday.”

“Go ahead because I can tell you’re not going to give up until you spin your little tale.” Spike told him feigning disinterest although he was curious as to how the Harris’s remained married in spite of everything they had and were going through.

“Let me see. The alarm didn’t go off and we woke up half an hour late. I had a meeting at 9:00 with a new supplier so Anya let me get ready first. Got out to the kitchen at 8:15. Gave me plenty of time to get there on time. Well, I kiss Anya good-bye, then Aidan but guess what, Jessy was in a mood so as I am hugging her she decides she doesn’t like peaches in her oatmeal anymore and dumps it all over me and her. Needless to say I don’t get out of the house until almost nine. I’m 25 minutes late for my meeting which makes the guy not too happy with me and I lost my bargaining edge. Then it rained and I had to send my crew home which set us back a day. You following me so far?” Xander paused to make sure that Spike was still listening.

When the opened eyes and raised eyebrows told him he was listening, Xander continued. “So, when I get home the only thing I want to do is sit on the couch with a cold beer but Anya has had the same kind of day and Jessy was still in a mood so I got to entertain the kids while Anya made dinner. Then after that, are the baths and the laundry and the cleaning of the kitchen. Plus I had to reschedule everything due to the delays at work. By the time 11:00 rolled around and we finally got to bed we were exhausted and barely had the energy to kiss good-night much less anything else. Now this is kind of day is more average than not.”

“Well, gee, Xander, that little story definitely makes me want to run home and get married and have kids.” Spike told him honestly as a chill ran through him.

“Spike, you’re not getting the point. This is life. It’s real and it’s messy and it’s good. It’s not fun and games. I thank God every night when I go to bed that I have Anya and I thank you because if it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have my wife and kids. Go home, Spike, tell Buffy you love her and make it work. It’s worth it.”

“Don’t you ever want to get out here? Run. No responsibilities.”

“Sometimes but then I think what my life might be like without my kids and Anya and it’s not worth it. We are building something together. It has roots and it’s going to last beyond me. Do you really want another relationship like the one you had with Drusilla? What is left of that except your memories? Getting married and having children is real and it lives beyond what you have. Buffy will live on through those kids and so will your love. Your way? It’s nothing but something that will last only as long as your memory holds out.”

Spike stood understanding what Xander was trying to tell him but there was something inside of him asking him if he was worth leaving behind something.

“Thanks, I’ll think about it. I’m going to get out of here. Take care of my laundry, will ya? And your wife.”

With that he walked out of his friend’s house with a lot more on his mind than when he had entered it. The past few days had turned him inside out and he needed to go home and see Buffy. Maybe then things would begin to make sense.

June 22, 2007 12:05 AM

The back light was on like he was expected, making him feel welcomed as he let himself into the house. Spike headed for the refrigerator needing some blood before he went to bed. On one door of the refrigerator was taped a dinner menu for the week and on the other were chore charts for Raven and Elijah. Spike smiled at the stars and check marks next to the days on the chore list.

As he pulled out a container of blood he noticed that it was fresh, marked with Thursday’s date. After pouring some out and heating it he headed for his study. On his desk was a pile of books and a folder that wasn’t his. He looked through them as he sipped his nourishment. They were all books on child raising, discipline and how to handle the emotions that come with adoption. The folder held notes that Buffy had made from web sites she had visited on nutrition and cooking.

He sighed as he realized that Buffy was going at motherhood like she did everything else, with total focus. Sometimes she could be cold, bitchy and throw huge self pity parties but once she made up her mind about something or someone there was no changing her mind and she gave her all for it or them.

Spike drained the last of the blood in one gulp and headed back through the kitchen to leave his mug in the sink before making his way upstairs. It seemed Buffy may be right. She didn’t need him with the way things had changed in only the few days he was gone. Their bedroom was dark and quiet except for the easy breathing of Buffy sleeping in the middle of the bed clad in his t-shirt. One sniff and he knew that his cologne had been sprayed on it. With a sigh he sat on the edge of the bed putting a hand out to touch her when he noticed her hair. While he had been gone she had cut it. Almost six inches had been taken off and it now hung around her waist instead of her hips. To him it was a statement of independence telling him that he was no longer wanted or needed. Her hair had been grown out for him and now it was gone.

Then everything hit him at one time. The guilt, the fear, the confusion, the loss of Donna and the love he had for this woman and it came out in great gulping sobs. Spike started to stand to get away when Buffy reached for him and pulled him to her. It was really the only place he wanted to be and let him self be pulled until his face was buried against her stomach. He lay there sobbing while her hands ran over him.

“Baby, are you okay? What’s wrong?” She asked as she continued to check him over for injuries.

“I’m sorry, Buffy, why did you do it?” He cried to her.

“Do what?” She asked baffled since she felt she should be the one asking him questions.

“Your hair?”

She wanted to laugh. With all the things that were wrong between them he was worried about a few inches of hair but she knew that to him it was almost a sign of submission to him. That wearing it that long was a pledge that she wanted to please him.

“Spike, I’m sorry. I didn’t do it to hurt you. It was getting all nasty and it needed to be trimmed.” She explained something so feminine not sure if he would understand it wasn’t personal.

Suddenly he moved against her needing physical affirmation that they still belonged together in spite of everything. Shifting he started to urgently kiss her stomach through the t-shirt moving up to pull one of her nipples into his mouth while his hand sought the other one out.

It felt so good for him to touch her again even though it had been only a few days. As he suckled at her the pleasure shot down her body to her center point. She felt herself getting wet as he his hand trailed down her waist to grasp her bottom kneading it as he mouth moved over hers. It was possessive and needy as his tongue demanded her response and she capitulated meeting him with her own raw need. It was quickly becoming a raging fire as he settled between her legs grinding his hardness against her as his one hand pulled her closer to him. She wanted to give in. Just give herself to him. As he started to pull her shirt up she thought it would be so easy to forget the past week. Just give in to their hearts….

Buffy pushed at him with everything she had.

“No. We are not going to do this,” she told him panting as she tried to clear her head.

“Isn’t this what we did when you came back? Didn’t you just crawl into my bed, have sex with me that I still don’t really remember and just move on?” Spike reminded her bitterly.

“We need to talk. I need to know what’s going on.” Buffy explained cautiously. This wasn’t going to be easy or safe but it was time for honesty. They couldn’t continue ignoring everything.

“Why? I didn’t ask about Richard. Or is this a way of making your guilt go away? Are you hoping that I have more to atone for so that now the score is even?” Spike was reaching as he threw that out because he didn’t think that much had really happened between Buffy and Richard.

It was Buffy’s face that made him realize that maybe her guilt was as deep as his. She had turned her blushing face away from him and was now scrambling off the bed. Spike stood and moved around the bed to catch her before she could go anywhere.

“What didn’t you tell me?” His voice was cold and devoid of emotion as he caught her by the upper arms.

“Nothing, Spike, I already told you that we didn’t have sex. What about you and Donna? You were alone with her for four nights? What do you have to atone for?” Buffy desperately tried to turn the table back to him afraid of letting him know her secrets.

But Spike having lived so long with devious behavior and lying knew there was something that she was hiding. He knew that he had never pursued it before not really wanting to know. That’s why they had just gone forward but now with his own guilt maybe he’s the one who wanted to even the score so he wouldn’t feel so bad. His fingers dug into her arms as he backed her into the wall.

“How far did you go with Richard? And don’t lie to me.”

Buffy stared into his eyes and knew. She knew that if they were going to remain together then everything had to be told. Her secrets, his secrets, their fears and doubts all had to be brought out into the open. And if they could get through this night then maybe they would survive as a couple.

“I love you. I love you more than anything.” Buffy told him hoping that he would not only believe her but remember it as the night wore on.

“How far, Buffy?”

She started to sob as she felt the walls around her break.

“Almost everything but intercourse.”

The pain of betrayal in his eyes was so deep it was as if she had put a stake into him. Spike let go of her and stumbled backwards. The bed caught him behind the knees but he slid down onto the floor instead. His face buried in his hands as tried to block out her words. He had accepted that they had had physical contact but for some reason he had blocked out the thought of his mouth on her or her on him. Foolishly he had believed that their clothes had never come off but he should have known. Even Drusilla had betrayed him. After he had been with Buffy she was supposed to have belonged to him only. And now he didn’t know if he would ever see her in the same way again.

Spike looked over at her where she had slid down the wall and was now hunched on the floor. Her arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked herself.

“How could you?” He asked not really wanting to know.

“Because I wanted to love him,” she responded with a laugh that held no amusement. “Because I didn’t want to love you like I do.”

Her hand started to absently pick at a piece of loose wall paper.

“It was after that night in my bathroom; after I came to talk to you. He came over one night and we were on the couch.”

“Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.” Spike barked at her not believing she was going to give him details. Each word would only be another cut on his heart.

But she didn’t listen.

“And we were kissing and touching. He kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. Have babies with him. His hand went down my leg pulling my skirt up and I let him. I let him touch me with his fingers and his hand. I had to close my eyes and imagine you to finally be able to cum.” A sob ripped through her as she remembered that night. “Then afterwards I…I took him into my mouth and I did it just the way you taught me. He told me I was the best he ever had. I felt so dirty afterwards.”

She ignored the deep moan of pain that Spike made.

“The really funny thing is I will always be the one to carry the guilt and shame even though it was your fear that pushed me away. Pushed me into Richard’s arms because you didn’t want to get married and have babies. It will always be my fault because I didn’t want to give up everything for you. They will always look at me in blame.”

“Are you saying it’s my fault for you…doing that?” Spike had almost said ‘whoring yourself out’ but he changed his words knowing his own guilt.

“No, it’s both of ours. It was your fear for pushing me away and my fear that let you do it.”

“What did you have to be afraid of? I wanted to give you the world.” He didn’t understand wanting to still give her the blame for betraying him.

“Spike, I was such a mess. I was in therapy but still a mess. When I got to LA you were different. You had a soul, and had made friends down there. Even the way you dressed was different and I couldn’t understand how you could still want me. Then you got back here and bought this house and my friends were becoming your friends. Saint Spike. And they were all angry with me for being with Richard and not you. I didn’t want to accept your love, your need for me, because once you realized what you had gotten yourself into you would leave like everyone else. Then after the shootings I didn’t care. I would take whatever love you would give me until you realized you made a mistake. And I guess you finally have.”

Buffy sounded so lonely and hurt as she finished emptying everything out of her that Spike wanted to go to her but he couldn’t. He still had to tell his side. And it was time for him to do it.

“I’d never met a human that wanted to be with me voluntarily except for the freaks and whores that like the thrill of fucking and being bitten by a vampire. Yeah, there’s even places like I showed you with Riley except its worse.” He explained as her eyes widened. “There’s still a lot things you don’t know, Buffy, things I never want you to know. As I was saying though I’d never met a human woman that looked at me like Donna did. Not even you, Love. You hated me for so long or at least acted like it. It’s intoxicating. I never thought anyone could want me like that. I went down there hoping that they were wrong. Then it would be another excuse to be with her and not you. We only kissed and hugged the first couple of days. There was always an excuse not to go further and it was a relief and disappointing too.”

Spike paused as he laid his head against the bed and tried to continue.

“Then earlier tonight I was still looking for something, anything to prove one way or another which side she was on. Donna was in the shower and I was sitting on her bed when she came out. The only thing she had on was a towel and I pretended that I was waiting for her. She came to me. I told myself that she had to be innocent because I hadn’t found anything. The Guardians hadn’t found anything yet. And I let myself go. Told myself that I would show you. That somebody could love me without having to be coaxed into it. Could love me just because they wanted too. Not because I amused them or I took care of them or because I was their muscle. Show you and Angel and Dru that I was worth it.” A sob tore through him as the truth finally came out. “And we were together and it felt good and then there was nothing between us but my jeans and her hands were undoing them. I looked down at her. She was naked and spread out beneath me and then I couldn’t do it. Oh, God, I couldn’t do it. She wasn’t you.”

Then he couldn’t continue as the tears of rage and hurt and pain swept through him again. Knowing that this was no time for recriminations or pride Buffy scrambled to him pulling him back into her arms. Together they cried. As the festering sores they had carried for so long broke and released their poisons.

“Shh, Baby, shh, I’m here.” Buffy whispered to him as they rocked together.

Finally he shook his head and pulled away from her. He needed to finish telling her everything.

“Donna is in custody with the Guardians. She is telling everything that she knows about the Soldiers. After I rejected her she freaked. Started screaming about how bad demons were and they should all be destroyed. Her…her sister fell in love with a demon and the guy turned on her and killed her. Donna fell apart and was approached by the Soldiers. But she wasn’t involved with the murders. By the time she found out about that stuff she was in too deep. She came in with the kids after their parents were already dead.” Spike finished letting Buffy know that Donna was gone from their lives.

Buffy ran her hand through his hair wanting to ask. She needed to know but was afraid too.

“Do you love her?”

“No. Only you it seems.” He laughed as he looked at her. Then tenderly he reached a finger up and wiped the tears from her face. Leaning closer he brushed his lips against hers then drew back waiting for her to say something else. To let him know he was still welcome here.

“It doesn’t change anything. Donna was a symptom and not the problem. You wanted freedom.” Buffy reminded him.

“I told you once you treat me like a man. I want to be a man for you but sometimes everything screams for me to run. That I wasn’t meant for these kinds of responsibilities. I’m a vampire…”

“Don’t. Damn it, don’t use that excuse. Every time you get scared or insecure you hide behind the fact that you are a vampire. That’s what happened five years ago and it’s still here. You’re Spike. More human than a lot of humans I’ve met. More real and wanting to be a part of this world than any creature I’ve ever met. That’s one of the reasons I love you because you make me want to be a part of this hell called life.”

She stopped so that she could turn his face back toward her so that their eyes would meet.

“What do you want Spike? I don’t expect perfection or a guarantee of being happy. We can do it together. We can save the world so I think we can do this. All I need is for you to love me and a willingness to try.”

“I do love you. I’ve loved you since you were sixteen and I will love you when you’re sixty.” He whispered almost reverently to her as she expertly took the pressure off of him. All he had to do was say he wanted to try and she would take him back. He could be cradled in her arms again and loved.

“Spike? Do you want to try, to try to be my husband and a father to Elijah and Raven? All we want is you and your love. We are supposed to become a family today and I need to know.”

Buffy made it sound so simple: so easy to give in to his heart that screamed for her. The demon whispered in his ear that it would never work, that he wasn’t worthy of this kind of adoration, that he needed to be free but William, always William, needing love reached out for her with trembling faith. The voice of the demon was lost as his heart took control and pushed outside his doubts and fears.

“Yes, I want to try.”

And that was all it took for Buffy to smile through her tears. She crawled into his lap as she buried her face in the crook of his shoulder.

“I love you. I love you,” she whispered over and over to him as her kisses rained across his neck to his cheek until his lips met hers in blinding need. Somehow they managed to move to the bed still kissing.

He positioned her so she was on her back and he was over her. His fingers gently ran over her face as he reined in his passion.

“I know this is stupid,” he told her with a laugh. “But I want to wait until after we’re married. Make everything new.”

Spike stopped waiting for her laughter or her teasing but Buffy only smiled at him and turned on her side nestling back against him.

“Hold me. I haven’t slept well all week without you,” she requested as she burrowed closer to him.

Spike reached down and pulled the comforter over them. His arm moved over her as he buried his face in her hair.

Soon they both slept. There were no words of forgiveness. They weren’t needed. It was understood that they both had been so hurt in their past that in their fear of the gift they had been given they had both tried to run from it. And found they couldn’t.

TBC