August 24, 2007 9:45 PM
It’s been almost three weeks since that morning out at Baker’s Woods
and each day is more blessed than the one before it. Days filled with wonder
and new discoveries. And today will be no different.
I had woken that morning cradled in Buffy’s arms with her tears baptizing me. Her voice called to me through the blackness I had hidden in but was happy to relinquish to be with her again. As I fought the fog I heard the Watcher pronounce my change in a voice filled with awe.
“Buffy, Buffy, listen to me,” he called to break through her sobs. Then I felt her small hand on my chest covered by his. “His heart is beating. He’s alive.”
I think I scared the crap out of them because I laughed. I couldn’t help it. All I could hear was that line from the old Frankenstein movie of, “He’s alive, He’s alive.”
“Spike, are you all right?” Buffy asked. Her brows knitted together as she tried to figure things out, mainly if I was still sane.
Opening my eyes I looked straight up into those bright hazel eyes still filled with tears. “Yeah, I think so.”
Looking around I saw Willow and Xander kneeling near my feet. Willow’s face was crinkled with worry and Xander was grinning at me. He got why I had been laughing. Sometimes friendship needs no words. Finally I looked at Giles and his eyes were filled with tears too.
I shook my head trying to clear it some. This was going to take some explanation and I wasn’t even sure of it all. Buffy sniffed and I tried to sit up but my body wasn’t too steady about taking commands from me yet and I ended up leaning against my love with her arms still around me.
They all waited impatiently for me to say something. I could feel the questions ready to bombard me as they waited to find out how the hell my heart was beating and my skin was warm to the touch.
“I’m not human.”
I had decided to just get that one out of the way and kill any ideas they had on that one.
“I’m still a vampire.”
Now they were really confused. The options that were given to me by this ‘angel’ were to remain as I was, to become human, or to become a hybrid.
When I chose death I opted for the last choice. A hybrid. I gave up my immortality. I became a vampire inside of a living body. My body would age as a human’s would, I could now walk in sunlight but I still have the demon sharing my body.
Because…
I am the demon and the demon is me.
We have shared the same body for over a century now. I have come to accept him and realize that he is an integral part of who I am. For me to just banish him in an attempt to become human I would lose half of me and I would be lost.
And I wouldn’t be who Buffy fell in love with either. She has come to accept and love that part of me.
The demon is the one who gives me my edge and my darkness and my strength and my ability to stand beside my lady in battle. To try and just keep his assets without keeping the darker part also would throw me off balance even worse then when I gained my soul.
This is going to be enough to adjust to and I didn’t want to leave Buffy confused any more than she has to be. I am never going to lose her again or give her a reason to feel that she has no place in my life.
Regrets?
What is there to regret?
Am I to regret that I will live one life beside the woman who was created for me? That I will grow old with her and share each changing season of our lives with her? That I won’t spend centuries walking this world alone after watching her and our friends succumb to the demands of age and to life?
Or am I to regret the fact that I can now go to the park on a Saturday afternoon and sit in the stands with my best friend and cheer for our sons as they play pee-wee softball?
Should I regret taking my daughter to her high school orientation and then shopping for new clothes just as any other parent would do on a weekday afternoon?
Maybe I should regret being able to take my family to the beach for a Sunday afternoon or to Disneyland for a weekend?
Most of all should I regret that the seed I now leave deep in Buffy’s body is no longer cold and dead?
I turn my head slightly as I hear her enter our room. A smile is dancing across her face as she comes toward me. Her arms slide around my waist while her face rests against my back.
“Everybody asleep?” I ask as I move my hands to rest on hers.
“Elijah is but Raven is still up planning out her birthday party,” Buffy tells me as she squeezes me a little tighter.
“I have a present for you.”
She giggles and her hands go down to cup me, squeezing me gently.
“Not that, you insatiable wench, that is always yours.”
I turn in her embrace so that we are face to face and I reach down behind her knees and pull her up so her legs are around my waist. She rains kisses across my face as I walk toward the bed.
“I love you,” she breathes in my ear as I lay us down with her on top. Her tongue requests entrance to my mouth and I open to her welcoming her, playing her tongue with mine.
While she works at seducing me I reach under my pillow and pull out a small box that is wrapped in very regal Christmas paper. It was all that was in the house. I’m a guy, sorry.
I break free from her mouth and push on her shoulders until she is straddling my stomach and her eyes open wide when she sees the box.
“An actual present? What’s this for?” She squeals as she takes it from me and begins to shake it.
I laugh up at her, “because I love you more than life itself.”
Our eyes meet because we both know that statement is truer than either of us is comfortable with.
Carefully she unwraps it but when she sees what I have given to her she drops it back on my chest. Her eyes fill with tears, “How could you? What kind of cruel joke is that?”
Buffy starts to scramble off of me but I grab her wrists.
“Love, you’re late. Five days late.”
Then it dawns on her that the home pregnancy test I gave her might not be a joke and her eyes widen with hope.
“What’s the date?”
“August 24th.”
She counts off on her fingers, grins broadly at me then takes off running with the test in hand. Unwilling to be left out I am right on her heels right until she tries to slam the door in my face.
“Buffy, let me in,” and when she refuses to let go, “I’ve seen you pee before. And remember last year with the food poisoning and your ass was on the toilet and your head...” I got the response I wanted. The door opened and I was hauled into the bathroom with her.
“You swore that would never be mentioned again,” she tells me indignantly as she pulls the test out of the box and lays the stuff on the edge of the sink.
I grin at her as she gets everything ready to find out if we are going to be parents.
“Look, the other way,” my modest little wife tells me as she undoes her pants.
In the first couple of days after my change we reveled in just being together. The realization that our love was strong enough for us both to be willing to sacrifice so much for the other that it was all we could do to get out of bed to take care of business.
It hit us a few days later when Tara made a comment about the possibility of us getting pregnant that we realized that we hadn’t even considered it. Of course, it was one of the reasons I had made my choice but it was a future thing for when we were ready. After the talk in my study that night we had both pretty much decided that we would wait on the baby factor but we hadn’t been using anything. We had another talk after my change and decided that after Buffy’s next cycle she would start on the pill. It seems fate might have another choice for us. And in the giddiness of that bathroom I realize that in our hearts we really did want a baby but it was our heads being logical that had said wait.
I turn back to Buffy as she lays the stick on the back of the sink and washes her hands.
“We need to talk before we know,” I tell her. I guess I sounded a little too dire because when she looks at me I see insecurity in her eyes. “Come here.”
Buffy comes willingly into my arms. “What’s wrong?”
“Raven and Elijah, we just have them accepting the fact that they aren’t going to be replaced and that we love them as our own. I don’t know how they are going to accept this change. I mean if you’re pregnant.”
“IF we are then we’ll just need to make sure that they are included in everything. And that they aren’t neglected because of our planning.” Buffy hesitates and lays her forehead against me. She realizes that I’m right. In our excitement about the possibility of being pregnant we could hurt the children that we already have. After a few moments she looks up at me, “We’ll just have to keep talking to them and watch each other to make sure we don’t do anything totally stupid.”
It’s inevitable that there are going to be moments as with any children competing with a new baby but all we can do is try. It’s like that night we talked to Raven and Elijah about this, it was meant for them to be with us. In the weaving of our lives they were meant to touch us. It just hurts that they had to lose their parents to come to us but I’m glad that they are here.
I glance down at my watch and Buffy pulls away from me to look at the results. She closes her eyes as she picks the stick up and barely cracks them as she looks.
“Well?”
“We’re pregnant,” she shouts and launches herself at me. Even wrapped around me somehow she is still jumping up and down with joy. I laugh and hug her to me. We try to stay quiet and not disturb the children as our celebration continues. We are kissing and laughing at the same time. Words of love flow between us as we congratulate ourselves in doing one more thing we had thought was impossible.
A small knock interrupts us and we glance at each other trying to calm down. Buffy opens the door and Raven and Elijah are both standing there. After looking at us Raven looks down at Elijah and says, “They know.”
“We know what?” I ask cautiously before stealing a quick glance at Buffy.
“The baby.” Raven states matter-of-factly. “Elijah told me two days ago. He felt it.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Buffy asks then sighs softly as she reaches to scoop Elijah up in her arms as it dawned on her. “I love you and Spike loves you and this baby is going to be your baby brother or sister. Okay?”
Elijah nods and Raven looks carefully from Buffy to me. “Raven, I love you.” It’s as simple as I can say it.
My daughter glances at the floor and dances her foot back and forth as she does when she’s nervous. I wasn’t sure at first that I heard it but then she does it again. Raven giggles and when she looks up at us she is grinning.
“I love you, too, Daddy.”
She hugs me to her as her hand reaches for Buffy. Soon, we are all hugging. My family. We end up back in the master bedroom with Raven and Buffy chattering about baby stuff and Elijah sleepily curling up next to me. Soon we are under the covers as Raven drifts off to sleep beside her brother.
Buffy reaches across the bed to take my hand and we both feel the need to make love to cement this new bond but we stay as we are. This is one of those moments when you have to sacrifice for your children. They both need this togetherness in the first moments of the new changes.
“I wish I could call Dawn,” Buffy whispers to me as her eyes filled with tears. After we had made it back to the safe house Dawn had left and hasn’t spoken to us since. The only contact she has with any of the family is with Kate and Giles. The rest of us are ignored. And it hurts Buffy the most. Now that she‘s pregnant it will be even worse not being able to share everything with her little sister.
“I know. I’m sorry.” I tell her wishing I could change things. It was too soon for me to try to make peace knowing that my Niblet’s actions could have helped contribute to my kidnapping. But my heart was also telling me that I needed to settle it one way or the other.
I am thankful that everyone else took the news of my change and the deactivation of the chip as well as they did. It felt good that no one panicked or suggested that I would go on another killing spree. Even Xander. Even though he is like a brother to me now, he was the one I was most worried about dealing with the changes because of the past with Angel. But he was silent for a few moments then looked at me and asked what he was going to do now that he couldn’t call me Fangless anymore.
It’s funny that it was only nine months ago that Buffy and I embarked on this journey to have a baby and we have ended up with a full family and one more on the way. The road here has been hard and full of heartbreak and hurt but it has been also filled with love, forgiveness and discovery. We had been going through the motions of being happy and in love while on the inside we had carried doubts and secrets that kept a wall between us. There is no wall now. No secrets and no shame. Whatever happens now is a fresh slate to be built on. I pray that we keep the openness between us because I never want to feel that I have to hide from my mate again.
And one day I will have to tell Xander he was right. This is what life is about
as I look at my wife and my children. I’m just glad that I learned it
before it was too late.
And when the day was ended
I was very satisfied.
Though I knew everything I touched
would wither and would die.
And love was all that would remain
and grow from all these seed.
Mother Nature's a quiet lady
and you're the one I need.
Flesh and blood
needs flesh and blood
and you're the one I need.
Johnny Cash
The End
