June 14, 2007 1:15 AM

“Damn you and all your insecurities.” Buffy screamed at Spike’s retreating back while throwing pillows uselessly toward him as he continued to walk away. Once she realized that he wasn’t going to turn around her screams quieted to a hoarse cry of, “I need you. I need you.” She bent over in the bed burying her face in the covers letting them absorb the tears that seemed to never end.

The last few weeks seemed to be almost a dream as the pain threatened to engulf her. This night had brought her brief fog of happiness to an abrupt end. First her dreams of a baby had shattered when her period had started and then Spike misunderstanding her words about Angel. It was almost like he was looking for a reason to be angry because she couldn’t see how the words could have hurt him that much. The two vampires had become uneasy friends over the years not having much choice as they were members of the same makeshift family. There was no reason for any jealousy to remain seeing that Angel and Cordy had married almost three years ago and Buffy was living with Spike.

Buffy hadn’t felt this lonely in years as she cried into their bed. Usually if she needed comfort and he wasn’t around she could find a marginal substitute by crawling into their bed. By burrowing into the comforter with her arms wrapped around his pillow she could surround herself with his scent thus being able to pretend that he was there. That he was taking care of her. But tonight even that small pittance of reassurance was unavailable to her. The only thing that would make her feel better was him holding her. To tell her that he loved her and that they and everything else was alright.

Finally the storm she was lost in began to abate as she seemed to run out of tears. Her grief slowly transformed into anger, an intense white flame burning in her as she thought of what he had said and done. After five years of living together for Spike to even think that he wasn’t first in her heart was ludicrous. She had lived with him and loved him never asking for proof of their relationship. She accepted them as they were even while everyone around them had gotten married. Even Angel had done the ceremony, albeit it was at Cordelia’s insistence, and Buffy, sure as hell had never brought that up to Spike in an attempt to change their situation.

The anger motivated her to crawl out of the bed to look for him. Buffy was intent on finding out was really bothering him and to set things right between them. Two weeks ago he had told her they needed to talk but had wanted to wait to see if she was pregnant or not, well now they knew, and it was time to talk. She was tired of this constant turmoil between them. Although she had to admit that when they were first living together the fighting was almost a game. A game that had its own set of rules which always led to passionate making up but it wasn’t that way anymore. They had both learned over the years too many secrets and too many ways to hurt each other. The fighting was now a mine field that one wrong word could lead to hurts that were difficult to heal.

As Buffy came down the stairs she spotted him sitting on the living room couch. She sighed as she looked at him with his face buried in his hands. The anger she had been feeling dissipated when she saw his shoulders shake with his own grief. As it was with him, Spike didn’t know how to cope with his extreme emotions, and had turned to lashing out at her as a way to deal. Even though he had never said, Buffy knew that he had hoped that they would have a family of their own. The failure of their efforts had hit both of them but it was different for him because it was his body that had refused to give the life force they needed. The demon that was a part of him left him in doubt of his ability to be a good father which only intensified his hurt and previous feelings of ineptitude, solidifying his beliefs that there was something wrong with him.

The only light in the room was from the floodlights that stood as sentries around their property but they cast enough light into the room so that she could see where she was going. So, Buffy didn’t bother to turn on any lights as she made her way toward Spike, who once sensing she was near, had wiped the tears from his face. Despite that precaution, Spike immediately covered his face again as if he thought that not looking at her would make her disappear.

“Spike,” Buffy spoke softly uneasy about pushing him. It wasn’t a fight that she was looking for but an honest talk and she wasn’t sure how to start the conversation. There were so many things they needed to talk about but first she needed his attention.

When he didn’t respond, she called out to him a little louder than before. When he still refused to speak to her, she shook his shoulder slightly as the anger began to build again. If he would just acknowledge that she was there then she would let him decide how to proceed, but his unresponsiveness was leaving Buffy frustrated.

“Leave me alone.” He finally said through his fingers. He felt the anger coming from her but still refused to look at her. The loss of a child that was never meant to be had finally registered with him when she had inadvertently compared him to his grand sire. It felt like everything he had been refusing to acknowledge in himself had been thrown into the light as soon as she had said Angel’s name. It wasn’t really Angel or Buffy’s previous relationship with him that was tearing him apart. It was his own sense of self that was hurting him.

He had spent the last five years categorizing who he was only to find out they were all dependent on each other. He, Buffy and the others spoke of him as if he was divided into William, Spike and the demon, some sort of freakish split personality. But it wasn’t that way. They were all one being unable to survive without the influence of the other. The past six months had served to give him constant reminders that the vampire was an indelible part of him and not a separate entity that could be hidden away. It was this knowledge and the continuous battle to control that side of him that was wearing Spike down enough to give into the temptation of who and what he really was; an evil creature of the night.

“Please talk to me.” Buffy beseeched him trying to remain calm as she knelt in front of him. Her hands wrapped around his wrists as she tried to pull them away so she could see his face. His eyes would tell her what she wanted…needed to know. Only then, after gauging his hurt, would she be able to approach him.

Spike allowed his hands to be pulled away and hoped that she could handle the confusion that warred in him. Maybe if he could tell her everything there was a chance she would understand and it wouldn’t be so hard to fight anymore for what he really wanted: the persona he had created and worn since he had returned to Sunnydale. But it seemed that the fates had other things on their mind that night instead of a vampire and his Slayer in need of heavenly intervention.

At first relief flooded Buffy as Spike’s hands came away from his face. But that relief was short lived when she saw the look in his eyes. The coldness reflected in his brilliant blue orbs reminded Buffy of their first confrontations as mortal enemies and a curl of fear settled in the pit of her belly. The warmth of the man that she loved was nowhere to be seen causing her to drop her hands and back away from him.

“Please don’t do this to me…to us. It wasn’t said the way you took it. You know I love you.” Her words pleaded with him as she misunderstood the reason for his lack of emotion. It was almost as if he had taken a switch and turned off a part of him.

Contrary to Spike’s lack of emotion a multitude of emotions passed through Buffy simultaneously: fear, compassion, anger and most of all love. If there was some way she could make him realize that he was always first then maybe he would be able to fight through the grief and whatever else was taking him away from her.

Spike stood so they could stand on the same level. A part of him screamed to just tell her what was going on within him, that she loved him enough to fight the demon with him. Another part however, whispered to him to remember the last time they had lived with the demon; to remember the night that he had almost destroyed her in a fit of torment, pain and rage. The night that had forced him to see who he really was for the first time and to seek out his soul to help keep the demon locked away. The pact still remained between them, the promise he had forced her to make, that if the demon was ever in control again that she would destroy him.

The whisper choked out the scream and Spike chose not to let her in on his struggle, leaving him with only anger to keep her safe from him. He didn’t realize that in choosing this way to keep her at a distance, he would deprive Buffy of his humanity that she needed to feel safe.

“I’m not doing anything to you or to us. I’ve just realized that maybe I have been living in a dream. A dream where you could truly love me as I love you,” he stated flatly.

“Where have I been for the past five years? I’ve been with you. Only you. You are who I love.” Buffy told him emphatically, praying that he would listen to her.

“Only because he won’t have you.” Spike replied to her yet hating the words that were meant to hurt.

“No, I’m here because I love you. You are the one I want to spend my life with.” Buffy moved closer to him. If she could touch him than maybe the love she had for him could be communicated. But he only stepped back at her advance.

Spike turned towards the hallway as if he was trying to get away from her. If he stayed to listen to her pleas then he might let his walls down and that was something that he didn’t want to do until he knew he could defeat the part of him that would destroy everything they had. In a perverse way he knew that she wouldn’t leave him, no matter how bad it got, because they were too entwined together. All he needed was time to deal with it then once he was free he would be able to give her all that she wanted. And if in the end he lost to the darkness he would rather her hate him, giving her the fighting edge, than be shattered by his lack of strength.

“Stop, don’t walk away from me. We need to talk. Seriously talk.” Her voice was rising with her emotion. If he walked away from this then she would follow him. Continue to follow him until he finally listened to her. Spike stopped then slowly turned to face her again.

“When have ever really talked? Buffy, we live together, we shag, and we put on this great front as a couple but underneath we know the truth. That if he walked through that door asking you to go away with him than you would go. Wouldn’t you?” Spike’s spoke coldly as he tried to push her emotionally away from him.

“You bastard, how could you even say that?” She cried to him not understanding where the man of just yesterday had gone. The more that she hurt the more she needed him and it seemed the further he slipped from her. She took a step closer to him without thought only following a need to be close to what would soothe her. Now that she knew that it would always be just the two of them she found herself willing to do whatever to hold onto him, even if it meant losing her pride.

As she reached out to him Spike’s hand was suddenly covering her mouth while his other hand reached out to grab her arm. It took only one pull until she was flush against the body that only a moment ago she was craving but now she struggled to free herself from. It was an automatic response to the way that he had suddenly grabbed her.

“Damn it, woman, hold still. A car with no lights just came up the drive.” Spike whispered into her ear. She stopped her struggles as soon as his words penetrated through her anger and her eyes automatically went up to meet his as she waited for him to take the lead. In that instant, their fight and internal struggles were all forgotten, as they became just a man and a woman in possible danger, ready to defend what was theirs. Once their eyes made contact and he was assured that she was going to follow his lead he dropped his hands from her. Taking charge he started to move toward the window, Buffy right behind him with a finger through one of his belt loops to keep him close. His left arm was protectively behind him as if creating a wall of safety for Buffy who walked on her tip toes in order to peek over his shoulder.

After moving the curtain aside and being certain that whoever was out there was not in the front or side of the house, Spike headed for the kitchen. As he passed their fireplace he grabbed the solid brass poker then continued toward the rear of the house. Buffy matched her strides to his so that she could keep up. They hesitated at the doorway so that Spike could quickly look into the room to make sure that someone hadn’t magically teleported in there.

“I’m going to head straight for the refrigerator for a barrier, okay?” He whispered to her so that she would move quickly. Their kitchen had windows all along the wall facing their backyard which would make them an easy target if they stood exposed in front of them.

Buffy nodded her head to let him know that she understood then when he said, “Now”, she took off running behind him until the appliance was at their backs. Spike peeked around the side so that he could look at onto the yard. As soon as his back was to her, she leaned her face into the coolness of it making him stiffen for a moment. There was nothing on that side of the yard for him to see so he turned causing Buffy to back into the handles of the refrigerator.

“Sorry, love.” Spike said while his hand went to her waist to reassure himself that she was okay. Her eyes came up to meet his filling him with a guilt that tore at him as he saw the emotional hurt still lingering in their depths. For a moment he leaned his forehead against hers as his fingers gently kneaded at her side.

Buffy, at first, was unsure how to handle his gentleness but needing it like the air she breathed finally moved to take his lips on her own. At first there was no response only their lips resting against each other but he slowly started to caress hers with his own. They created a soft friction that slowly ignited a smoldering ember. His tongue moved to separate her lips as she moaned against him and as he leaned into her to take this another step, the creaking of a board on their porch pulled them apart. In their need for the other the possible danger had been forgotten.

Reluctantly Spike moved away from her to the other side of the refrigerator which was his original destination before being distracted. When he leaned around the side he saw a small sedan pulled almost up to their back steps.

“Damn it, the grass was just growing the right way.” He muttered to himself as he crouched to hide behind the counter. The back door was only a few feet away but waddling made it a slightly longer journey. As he reached the protection of the higher cabinets and a solid wall he stood but motioned Buffy to continue to crawl to the other side of the door. Once she had passed by the door she stood as she was also hidden behind cabinets. Then he tossed her a meat cleaver from the drawer so that she was armed.

“When I count to three open the door.” Spike whispered to her as he raised the fire poker across his shoulder as if it was a baseball bat. Buffy nodded her head while reaching for the door handle with one hand and the cleaver raised in her other hand.

“One, two, Now.” Spike said mixing up the signal causing Buffy to open the door with a grin on her face.

“Aaaaah.” The woman standing poised to knock gave a small scream as she saw the man about to attack her. Then as recognition dawned on both of them, Spike threw his weapon to the floor as the woman launched herself at him. Laughing he caught her and pulled her into an embrace rocking them back and forth as they hugged each other.

Finally he put her back down so her feet were on the floor again.

“Donna, how the hell are you?” Spike gushed as he stared at the woman who had helped him on his to journey to regain his soul and, along the way, had developed a personal interest in him. An interest that had once been pursued but never fulfilled. His hands still rested on her waist as he welcomed her.

She laughed up at him as Buffy glowered at the two of them. How dare he welcome this woman into their home and hold her in his arms? Buffy found herself filled with jealousy as she watched Spike with the only human woman besides her he had shown any serious interest in. Dawn had filled her in on their date and the open invitation Donna had left him with.

“Excuse me but what the hell is going on?” Buffy said interrupting their still lingering hug. Her arms crossed around her middle as her jealousy turned to fury. If this woman didn’t let go of Spike soon then she would find herself on her backside out in the middle of the cemetery.

Donna had the good grace to step away from Spike looking from Buffy to Spike then back to Buffy.

“Hi, you must be Buffy. I’m Donna, an old friend of Spike’s.” Donna introduced herself putting her hand out for it to be shaken which Buffy blatantly ignored.

“I know who you are. What I don’t know is why the hell you’re here?”

Buffy moved forward to position herself between Spike and the object of his current good mood. He smiled as Buffy defended her territory. It sent a thrill through him to know that she was willing to fight for him but it also bothered him that she didn’t trust him and she was being impolite to someone who had once helped him.

“She is as feisty as you said she was.” Donna smiled over Buffy’s shoulder at Spike as if they had a secret that didn’t include Buffy. Then she stepped back until she leaned against the counter. “I’m here because I need a favor from both of you.”

“I don’t think so. Actually I think you need to leave.” Buffy rudely told her. There was absolutely no way she was going to let Spike do anything for her. It never occurred to her that she was acting as irrationally as Spike had done earlier about Angel. This woman had only briefly been in Spike’s life when they had been apart. And from what Dawn had told her nothing had happened between them that would justify this jealous tirade.

“I think we need to hear her out. I know that Donna wouldn’t just show up in the middle of the night without a good reason.” He placed a hand on Buffy’s shoulder squeezing it slightly to indicate that they needed to give Donna a chance.

Buffy shook his hand off of her shoulder.

“I don’t care. We have something else that we need to deal with.” Buffy told him as she glared at him over her shoulder. His eager acceptance of this woman at their back door asking for a favor was only fueling her anger. Before her arrival she had been practically begging him to just talk to her only to be refused. Now, all Donna had to do was show up and he reverted back to being in a generous mood. If anyone was to be the recipient of his kindness it should be her.

“Buffy, back off, I owe Donna a huge favor and we will hear her out.” Spike commanded as he put his hand on her shoulder again. “Let’s all go sit at the table.”

At his words Buffy stiffened up as he embarrassed her in front of this woman. The fact that Donna realized her predicament shown by a sympathetic smile behind Spike’s back only hurt her more. As they moved to the table there were footsteps on the back porch again. They all turned to look to see who was there. When Spike and Buffy saw the three figures standing in their doorway they turned to each other in confusion then turned back to face the new visitors.

A large man stood there holding a boy of about five and standing next to them was a girl of about fourteen. The two children stared openly at the new people in their lives.

“I’m sorry, Miss Donna, but he said he had to go to the bathroom and couldn’t wait.” The man spoke.

“Its okay, Max, come in.” Donna replied gesturing them into the house. This time once they were in she closed the door behind them. “Raven, why don’t you take him? It’s down that hall on the right.”

The girl nodded and took the boy from Max’s arms and set him on the floor. Then taking him by the hand she led in the direction Donna had indicated.

Once the bathroom door had closed behind them Donna turned to Buffy and Spike.

“Max, this is Buffy and Spike. Guys, this is Max, he works with me.” The three being introduced quickly shook hands and made the appropriate comments to the other. After they were done they turned to look at Donna again. “I was going to explain things to you before you met the children but it looks like things never go according to plan. Spike,” she smiled briefly as she met his eyes before turning to Buffy, “Buffy, I came here to ask you to adopt them.”

TBC
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Chapter 8