Daylight, alright
I don't know, I don't know if it's real
Been a long night and something ain't right
You won't show, you won't show how you feel
No time ever seems right
To talk about the reasons why you and I fight
It's high time to draw the line
Put an end to this game before it's too late
I daydream for hours it seems
I keep thinkin' of you, yeah, thinkin' of you
These daydreams, what do they mean?
They keep haunting me, are they warning me?
Daylight turns into night
We try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight
It's always the same and you know who's to blame
You know what I'm sayin', still we keep on playin'
Head games, it's you and me baby
Head games, and I can't take it anymore
Head games, I don't wanna play the...
Foreigner
Thursday seemed to take forever to get there. I kept running this scenario through
my mind of Buffy opening her presents. And the little show I would get while
she tried her gifts on. Yeah. I just couldn't wait. Soon. She would declare
her feelings. That little scene in the cemetery the other night and what she
gave me when we got home had convinced me. She loved me. I just had to be patient
a little longer.
We had spent the better part of the afternoon in bed. Sleeping. Making love. Just being. But as usual not really talking about anything. Finally around dusk we finally left the bed and got dressed. I had to restock my supply of blood. So, I used that as an excuse to leave. She offered to come with me. But I told her that I didn't want her seeing that part of me. Which was actually true. It just didn't feel right to for us to be shopping for blood together. I hated going to buy the stuff. It was unnatural. But nothing was natural anymore.
So, I took off for the Magic Box first. Anya had wrapped all the presents for me in dainty pink and white wrapping paper and bags. I couldn't believe she had done that. She just told me that it was the least she could do for a friend. It felt nice that she would do that for me and Buffy. I laughed though when she handed me the receipt for the wrapping paper. Dutifully handed over the cash for it. That was just Anya for you. We put all the packages in a couple of big shopping bags to make it easier to carry back to the crypt. Then I went and picked up a bottle of champagne. Something to celebrate with after she opened everything. Finally I picked up my blood and headed home.
I went in through the caretaker's house because I didn't want her to see until I was ready. Stored all the stuff in the tunnel near the bedroom before checking to see where she was. She wasn't in the crypt anywhere. Probably went on a quick patrol or something. The coast was clear so I retrieved the bags and brought them back into the bedroom. Arranged them on the bed in a pile right in the middle. It looked like Christmas without a tree. Didn't look half bad if you asked me.
Then I retraced my steps through the house grabbed my blood and the champagne and headed through the cemetery. As I got closer to home I heard Buffy and Tara talking. They were saying something about being wrong and that it would all work out. They were sitting on the bench outside of my place. Both of them drinking white wine. But as they saw me coming they both got quiet. When I got close enough I leaned over and kissed Buffy on the cheek.
"Hello, love." Then I turned to Tara. "How are you doing? And how is Willow?"
She smiled at me and told me they were both fine. That they were meeting for coffee the next day.
"So, you back together?" She looked happy and contented. I was glad that the birds were working things out. Everybody deserved to be happy. Except Xander and Angel.
"Trying to." Tara told me.
They both seemed uncomfortable with me being there. I had interrupted their
little talk. Knowing that they weren't going to continue with me there I excused
myself and went in. Put the blood and champagne in the refrigerator. Settled
down in front of the telly to wait for Buffy to come back in.
Was watching a rerun of CSI about some woman that killed people to drink their
blood. What complete rot. Either you were a vampire or you weren't. Blaming
it on a disease didn't change who you were. But I watched the show anyway. I
liked how they went about figuring stuff out.
Buffy came in as the show was ending. I looked over at her as she made her way toward the frig. She put the wine glasses on the shelf and grabbed a bigger glass. Mixed herself a glass of whiskey and soda. She caught me looking at her and made a face at me. Like asking me what I thought I was I looking at. I turned back to the telly wondering why tonight of all nights did she have to be in a snit. After she had made her drink she came over and plopped on the couch.
"What did you and Tara talk about?" Thought maybe if we could talk she would get back to a good mood again. And then we could have fun.
"Nothing." She took a drink and pointedly kept looking at the television. Obviously she didn't want to talk about anything. I got up and went to sit next to her. She looked at me as I did but didn't say anything. I pushed her hair back off of her shoulder and kissed her neck softly. Ran my hand along her leg and then up the inside of her thigh.
"Don't Spike." She grabbed my hand pulling it away from her and dropped it on they couch.
"What's wrong, Buffy? When I left everything was fine and now you're being all bitchy." Probably wasn't the best way to open up a conversation but the girl was irritating me.
"I already told you nothing was wrong. Absolutely nothing is wrong. Actually everything is fine." Buffy was practically screaming by the time she had finished. She stood and looked down at me like I was the one that had a problem.
"Well, gee, if everything is so fine. What the hell has got your panties in a twist?" I yelled back at her.
"You are such a pig."
"Yeah, so you've said before. So, if the mighty Slayer says it then it must be true. Right?" I got up so that I wasn't at the disadvantage. "Are you going to tell me what is wrong or are you going to spend all night insulting me. Because if you are I am going to go somewhere more inviting."
"What are you going to do? Run off to Anya's?" Her eyes were flashing and she took a step closer to me.
"Maybe. At least she is not a bitch to be around." I took a step closer to her.
"Well, go then. Wouldn't want Spike to be inconvenienced." She turned away from me wrapping her arms around herself.
I reached out and touched her. She didn't pull away from me. Which I guessed
was a good sign.
Stepped up to her and wrapped my arms around her.
"Baby, I don't want to fight. Just talk to me. Maybe I can help."
She let out a sob and she started to shake.
"How can you help if you're part of the problem?"
I froze when she said that. And I know now that I should have been listening with my heart and my head. Not my pride. But some lessons just have to learned the hard way. My pride was leading the way. It was about me. What I was going to get out of this. What was going to happen when she opened her presents. It was almost like it wasn't as important as how she would feel about getting them as it was about the reaction that I would get. Like storing up brownie points or something.
"What do you mean?" I asked her low and dangerous. She didn't even notice. She was off somewhere in her pain. I stepped back from her and waited.
"I asked Tara to check the spell. To see if maybe I came back wrong. To see if I wasn't quite…human anymore." She started to explain hesitantly. After wiping away a tear she continued. "But she says I am fine. Like it might be a molecular sunburn or something."
"And what does this have to do with me?"
"If there is nothing wrong with me why am I here? If I am just the same old Buffy then why I can't I do this. Why did I lose Dawn and the house? Why don't my friends care anymore? Why am I living here with an evil soulless vampire?" She stopped and turned around to look at me. Her tears were falling rapidly now. Her body moving with the force of her sobbing. It didn't reach me.
"Because you love me."
She looked at me in surprise. It wasn't the response or the statement that she wanted. Actually it wasn't what she needed either. But I wasn't focused on her needs at the moment.
"No. No. I don't love you. I can't love you. You are everything that I am supposed to be against." It was like she wasn't even talking to me. More like she was talking to herself. Trying to work things out in her head.
"And I am the only one who makes you feel. Remember?" I stood up and moved close to her. Running my hands up her arms.
"No. It's disgusting. You're a dead thing. It's not real."
Her words were like a slap in my face. How could she? Us being together was disgusting? It wasn't real. We weren't real. It felt real to me.
"And you like fucking dead things don't you?" My words were meant to be cruel. She was hurting me. Ruining our night. She flinched at my words.
"No. It was different. Angel has a soul. You're evil. Remember you told me so. No morals. Isn't that what you told me the other night. You're a vampire. Don't forget Buffy. It's dangerous." She was fighting back now. Mocking me. My own words had come back to bite me in the ass.
"Yeah, and does Angel make you scream the way I do? Oh, I forgot you fucked him. He turns evil then tortures and kills your friends. And you had to make a deal with me for help. Didn't you? Spikes always there for you. And what do I get. Shit. That's what I get."
I turned away from her before this came to blows. She followed me anyway.
"You get shit, do you? I kept your sorry ass alive."
That did it. I was thoroughly pissed now. Turned around and grabbed her by her shoulders.
"For what. Not for me. For you. I took care of your sis. I take care of you. I helped your friends. And now I am your sodding fuck toy." I wanted her to hurt as much as I was hurting.
"Oh, yeah, you took such good care of my sister that I had to die. I asked you to do one thing and you fucked it up."
I was fighting tears now. That was the ultimate blow. And it hurt like a bitch. My guilt over that night constantly ate at me. Giving me nightmares.
"Get out. Get out of my crypt." I had stopped yelling. "I don't care anymore. I am through with you."
I headed downstairs with her at my heels. As we reached the lower level she saw the presents on the bed. Stopped her for a second. But I took her attention away from there as I pulled the dresser open and started throwing her clothes at her.
"Spike, stop. Please stop." She started grabbing at her clothes. She was crying even heavier now if it was possible. "Are those for me?" Her attention had returned to the presents on the bed.
"Yes, they are. Take them with you."
I walked over and grabbed some and threw them at her.
"Take them. Take your shit and get out." When she didn't move I got in her face. "Get the fuck out. Didn't you hear me? I don't care anymore."
She moved back.
"Spike, no. Please. I told you that I would disappoint you. You said it didn't matter." Her words were coming out in a whimper. I turned and started to pull more of her stuff out. I saw her out of the corner of my eye fall to the floor. Curling up into a ball. I just kept throwing stuff at her. Then I realized that she wasn't saying anything. Not making any noises at all. Her crying had stopped. I stopped and walked over. Stood with a leg on either side of her. Her hair was covering her face and her hands were curled up next to her face.
"Get up, bitch. Get up and get out. I don't want you here anymore." I yelled down at her.
"I don't have anywhere to go." She said it too calmly. It took a moment for it to register with me.
"Don't care."
"I just want my mom back. She'd make everything better." My eyes widened in surprise. I kinda shook my head as I tried to clear myself from my emotions. Then squatted down and moved her hair back. I closed my eyes to block out the sight of what she was doing. But it was still there when I opened them again. And my heart broke. The fingernails of her left hand were dug into the upper arm on her right side. She was slowly digging out her own flesh. My stomach churned at the sight.
I took her hand in mine stopping her motions. Gathered her up to me and leaned back against the bed. With her nestled between my legs and her head on my chest. I kissed her on the top her head. Hugged her close to me.
"I love you, Summers. It's going to be okay. You don't have to go anywhere."
She didn't respond so I just kept her close to me. Rocking her. Running my fingers through her hair. I learned a lot that night about love. About caring. About unconditional love. About listening. And mostly about pain. I thought I had known everything. But I didn't. And life had given me a new lesson.
After a while of rocking her I picked her up and laid her on the bed. She just curled up in a ball. The presents got stacked in the corner out of the way. I went up and got a wet washcloth and some antibiotic ointment from her first aid kit. When I came back I cleaned out her gouges and applied the lotion. She never responded to me or to what I was doing. I stripped her down to her panties and put her into one of my t-shirts. Finally I laid down next to her. Drawing her close to me.
She just laid against me. It was late into the night before either of us went to sleep. She never spoke another word that night. Just lay there. She was somewhere I couldn't reach her. It scared me. I had promised to be her anchor. Promised to love her unconditionally. And if she never loved me. Never wanted me again. I would still be there for her. Till the end of time.
