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undefined Chapter 15 - I'll Stand By You
Oh, Why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
The Pretenders


Buffy's hands moved across my back. Kneading. Massaging. Stroking. Working across muscles and flesh. Her legs spread on either side of my ass. Her long golden hair tickled my skin. I lay languid beneath her ministrations. There was no want or need. No fear or doubt. She was mine by her own word. She bent closer to me. Her tongue follows the path between my shoulder blades. Knowing this sends chills through my body. Her hands move to my shoulders and neck. Sliding further along me. I can feel the curls of her sex feather across my lower back. She makes no sound as she sends me on a trip through heaven. Finally unable to stand anymore I turn beneath her. A smile crosses her face as I take her by the hips. Leading her down to me. As soft as a whisper she lowers herself on to my hard need. Taking me into her heat. Slowly. Letting the warmth encompass me as I begin to tremble from the emotions she gives me.

Her fingers entwine with mine as she lowers herself to lie on my chest. Listening for a heartbeat that wasn't there. Our arms stretch out across the bed. Slowly she lifts each leg laying them on mine. Her feet resting against mine. Pushing against them she begins to rock us. Our flesh rubbing together creates such sweet friction. Her sighs echoed mine. My hands move from hers to caress the valleys of her back and bottom. One hand moves to run through the soft silkiness of her hair. Her hands moved down my sides to grip my hips. Giving her more leverage to move against me. The entire world had disappeared giving way to the power of our joining. I whisper to her of my love. She gently kisses my chest. The tip of her tongue encircles my nipple. Nipping at it. Then sucking at it like a baby. I arch up into her mouth. I need more than she is giving me. Reaching down I pulled her legs up so she was straddling me.

She sat up and grinds down onto me taking me as far into her as possible. Throwing her head back as a groan rips through her. I brought my knees up so that I can push up with my feet. So, I can push deeper into her sweetness. She begins to move against me. I bring my hands to hers again. Holding on she leans forward on them. We began to move faster pushing for more sensation. She closes her eyes as she begins to shudder in her climax. I watch the pleasure play across her features. Then her eyes open to meet mine as she begins to squeeze me. Sliding slowly against me. A wicked grin crosses her face and she bends down. Her face nuzzling my neck. Then as I strive for release she bites into my neck. Breaking the skin sending me screaming into my own orgasm. I shudder releasing my seed into her waiting depths. I feel like I am falling through space as she cuddles against me.

Before I am fully able to recover she pulls away and crawls from our bed. It is Tuesday and Xander will be here within the hour to pick her. I watch as she gathers her schoolgirl outfit and heads for the bathroom. Buffy doesn't even look my way as she leaves the room. I had been woken up by her kisses and a request for me to make her feel good. Her requests were my demands. Whatever I could to make her happy. Anything to keep her close to me.

There was only a quick kiss and a hurried good-by before she left with Xander. It was time to get up and face the day. I took a quick shower and after pulling on a pair of jeans I headed upstairs. As I came to the top level I saw Giles sitting on the couch. He watched as I walked by him and went to get my morning blood. I popped the mug into the new microwave to warm it up. After it was ready I went to sit in my chair.

"She's not here. Therefore there is no reason for you to be." I told him without looking at him. As far as I was concerned he could stay away permanently. I sure as hell didn't want to listen to him list all the reasons that Buffy and I shouldn't be together.

"We need to talk, Spike."

"No, you feel a need to tell me why Buffy shouldn't be here. And I don't want to listen."

But he felt that I should listen anyway. He sighed and leaned forward.

"I tried to talk to Buffy yesterday. And the glutton for punishment that I am I will try to talk to you today."

I snorted and then laughed. Typical. Spike gets the lecture.

"After I got home last night I tried to see the good in this relationship. And I can't find it. I realize that Buffy thinks she needs you. And that you think you love her."

"What do you mean think? I do love her. I grieved as much as the rest of you when she died. Not that the sodding lot of you noticed." Why couldn't these idiots realize that Buffy was my heart? My reason for being.

"All right, you love her." He told me patronizing me with his words. "But Spike if you love her then do the right thing. Let her go."

"And you think that by me leaving her or kicking her out that she is going to suddenly be happy again. She has lost a lot of people and has had to deal with a lot of hurt. So, gee, let's take away one more person. That will do her a lot of bloody good." I turned to look at him finally. His eyes met mine.

"You are not a person. You are a soulless vampire. She is a human girl. What can you offer her? Not marriage. Not children. Not security. She is living in a fucking crypt because of you. Doing god knows what to her body. The drinking. The drugs." He stood as his temper began to take control. I stood to meet him face on. He was a father desperate in his need to protect his daughter. Typical in the fact that he couldn't face her being a sexual being or able to make her own decisions.

"I love her. I take care of her. I am here for her. And that is more than you. You took everything away from her after setting impossible standards for her to live up to." I shouted at him.

"She is dependent on you. It's not love. And you are a fool if you think it is." His voice was as loud as mine. He turned to sit again. But his words had found their mark.

"I wouldn't hurt her. And maybe she doesn't love me now. But she will. Damn it she will. And she's a Slayer. She's not like other women. We'll find a way." I sat down as I started to sob. Hating that he would see that side of me. "I won't lose her again. She wants to be with me."
All of a sudden I felt a hand on the back of my head. Then it moved to rest on my shoulder. Squeezing it in a comforting gesture. I looked up at him in surprise.

"I know, Spike. I know."

He moved his hand and sat back again leaning his head against the back of the couch.

"I've tried to make this your fault. She has had problems since they brought her back. They messed with magicks that should never have been touched." He stopped to look at me. "Don't get me wrong I'm glad that she is back. But she hasn't been able to cope since. And when you left she fell apart completely."

I lit a cigarette and offered him one. Surprising me when he did. After he took a deep drag he continued.

"Ever since last year she has become more dependent on you. But I've seen the relationship developing ever since you got the chip though. Believe me I hate it. I want only the best for her."

"And you don't think it's me."

"When you first got chipped I used to think there may have a been a higher purpose to it all. But you weren't interested in anything but Buffy." He paused and flicked his ashes into the tray on the table. "You have no interest in changing. You're content to remain as you are."

"Then you weren't paying as much attention as you should have, Watcher."

He looked at me questioningly but I didn't elaborate. If he didn't want to know before why should he now? He rose after putting his cigarette out.

"Spike, think about it. Think about her. If you want to talk more let me know. Okay?" He looked down at me waiting for some response. I shrugged my shoulders.

"When you accept that I will always be in Buffy's future call me."

He turned and left. For some reason I felt that we had almost reached a truce. I understood what he was saying. But things weren't always going to be like this. Things would change when she was stronger. Until then I could handle her. After living with Dru's insanity for a century I could certainly cope with Buffy's mood swings.

When she came back through the door I could feel the tension radiating through her. Without a word she headed straight away to fix a drink. I watched as she drained half the glass in one gulp then refilled it. I immediately tensed up waiting for which direction this was going to head. Would she turn to me for comfort? Or would I be the enemy? I relaxed as she came to sit beside me on the couch. Leaning into me. I kissed her head resting on my shoulder.

"Bad visit?" Buffy nodded sitting up so that she could take another drink. I took the cup from her and put it on the table. It wouldn't be good for her to go to work that night drunk. Then I asked her if she wanted to talk about it.

"Later, okay? I'm going to go and take a nap before I have to get ready for work. Come with me?" I took the hand she offered and followed her down. Did she really want to sleep for a while or was she looking for more sex? Either one was okay with me. But it was sleep that she wanted. She slept holding onto me. I just held her while she drifted off. Finally I followed her in to oblivion.

Unfortunately, neither of us thought to set the alarm. And we overslept. By the time we woke she had less than hour to get to work. It was one of those times the more you hurry the more goes wrong. She smeared eyeliner across her cheek. A button popped on the shorts she was going to wear. She ripped them off of her. By the time that her hair wouldn't stay the way she wanted she was furious. Everything on the dresser got swept onto the floor. She gave up and left her hair down. I followed her as quietly as I could. Didn't say a damn word to her as she was hurrying around. Finally she was ready with ten minutes to get to work. I drove as fast as I could almost laying the bike down going around the curves. We were lucky I was able to keep control. She was still five minutes late and pissed about that too. Buffy ran into The Edge without a good-bye. It was fine. A good time to be invisible guy.

After I left her I ended up going to visit Anya at the Magic Box. Yeah, I know it was a really stupid thing to do. But Clem was busy and I just wanted to be somewhere I could relax. Nothing happened. Even though it sometimes crossed my mind I wasn't that stupid yet. We ended leaving the shop after she closed it down and going to the coffee place down the street. She told me about her and Xander's date over the weekend. He was trying to be there for her. I had to give him that at least. And she seemed to be happy that they were working it out. Nothing special happened. Just talk. I took her home again and left to get Buffy. There was time to kill so I went in.

I didn't try to talk to her or anything. Just kept myself at the bar waiting. But she noticed me sitting there and came over to me. She had a beer in one hand that she was taking to a customer. She told me hello, then her eyes went into slits as she smelled Anya on me again. The beer ended up all over me.

"You fucking bastard." She snarled at me before she walked off. Arnie was laughing his head off as he handed me some paper towels.

"Man, if you're going to screw around on her at least go home and change before picking her up."
I looked at Arnie like he was crazy. Then I turned my attention to getting some of the beer off of me.

"I'm not cheating on her."

"Yeah, that's what they all say."

Throwing my head back in frustration. Why couldn't things just stay calm for a while? It was constantly back and forth. Extremes. There didn't seem to be happy middle. Not for us anyway. The ride home was made in silence. When we got home she announced she was going to take a bath and walked off. I went to get out of the clothes that I was wearing. Then I remembered I had taken the towels out of the bathroom that afternoon. She would need more.

There was no sound coming from the bathroom. No water running. I made it all the way to the door before she heard me. Her eyes looked up at me in fear. I looked down and felt that fear snake through my belly. She was sitting naked on the toilet seat. Her legs spread and a knife in her hand. There was a series of small cuts on the inside of her upper thighs. Where they wouldn't show when she was wearing shorts. From time to time I had noticed scratches and cuts on her. Even with what had happened the other night I didn't think anything of it.

"Buffy?" I stepped into the bathroom holding my hand out for the knife. She dutifully laid it in my palm. She put her arms in front of her and turned her head away from me. I slid down the wall to sit with my legs in front of me. "What's going on, baby?"

Her body heaved with a sob.

"It hurts, Spike. All the time. Inside. It won't stop." She turned to me with haunted eyes. It was almost worse than before. "I just want it to stop."

"Does this help?" I gestured toward her cuts.

"Yes. It makes it stop for a little while. I can be in control again. Don't hate me too. Please?" My eyes met hers in surprise. How could she think that? I held my arms out to her. She came to me wrapping her arms around my neck. Her legs straddling me. I held her while cried. Stroking her. She pulled back and began to kiss me. Quickly. Her tongue demanding attention. Buffy scooted back. Her hands undoing my belt and pants. Then stroking me until I was ready for her. It was like I wasn't even there.

"This takes the pain away too."

Her eyes closed me as she sank down on me. They stayed closed even when she took my hand and put it between her legs. I stroked her clit the way I knew she liked it. After she came she finally looked at me.

"What can I do?" Well, at least she had noticed that I hadn't been a participant. I shook my head and started to move away from her.

"Take your bath, Buffy." She stood and began to run the water.

"Stay with me."

I stayed. Like I promised. Unconditional. Doing whatever to try to make her happy again. Even when I realized that sex with me was like the cutting. A way to stop the pain. Even if for a little while. A way to escape without dealing. Yes, she needed me. Even making me a part of the family was a symptom. If I was involved in the decisions. Then she could let me make them. Another way to avoid. Everything she had done since I had left was her way of running away.

I hated to say it. But Giles was right. It wasn't love.

After the bath was full we lay in the warm water. With Buffy lying between my legs nestled against my chest. My arms resting on the sides of the tub while she washed herself and what she could reach of me. I kept my eyes closed leaning my head against the wall.

"I'm sorry, Spike." She turned her head to see me. "I know you didn't do anything with Anya." She rubbed her nose against the side of my jaw. She was so soft and warm. The steam dampening the hair around her face. "And for the other." She nipped me. When I didn't respond to her she turned and leaned against me again. My hands were soon entwined with hers.

"You hurt me, Buffy. I'm trying so hard to love you. To make you happy." I laid my cheek against her hair. Wanting to get lost somehow.

"I know you do." She pulled forward away from me. Bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around her legs. "I want to be happy. But I can't remember how. I can't remember even a time that I was really happy. The closest I have come is being here with you."

Leaning forward I wrapped my arms around her middle and pulled her back against me. She started to talk to me. How Dawn was pushing for the adoption. That it made her feel even more like a failure. About how Giles yesterday kept bringing up her duties. How Xander made her feel like a whore for being with me. About how she was jealous of Anya. Even though her world had fallen apart she was still able to be strong. How she missed being in college. That she still missed her mom. Why did everyone leave her? That no one could see inside of her. See the darkness and still love her.

Everything just poured out of her. We stayed in the bath till the water was cold. Until she had let everything out. We dried each other off and made our way upstairs. We lay in the bed facing each other. She told me how she was so cold inside. About how she missed the place she had been.

I just listened to her. Telling her that I would help her anyway I could. That I would never leave her alone. I watched her finally go to sleep. Waited until she sought me out in her slumber. I held her close as for the first time since I was a man that I prayed. To who or to what I didn't know. Did the forces of good even listen to a vampire? I tried anyway for her.


________________________________________

Authors Note: For those who have feared that there would be more angst to this story, I apologize. This story has changed quite a bit since in its first inception. It is actually lighter than it was originally planned. But the story is of Buffy dealing with the depression of coming back. And Spike dealing with the choice of good and evil. For the two of them to resolve these issues there must be some struggle and pain. But remember that ultimately this is a love story.


Chapter 16