Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.

Chapter 25 - If I Were A Carpenter

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady
Would you marry me anyway
Would you have my baby
If a tinker was my trade would you still find me
Carrying the pots I made
Following behind me
Save my love thru loneliness
Save my love for sorrow
I've give you my onliness
Come and give me your tomorrow
If I worked my hands in wood
Would you still love me
Answer me babe yes I would
I put you above me
If I were a miller and a mill wheel grinding
Would you miss your colored blouse
Your soft shoes shining
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady
Would you marry me anyway
Would you have my baby
I'm a carpenter, just a carpenter
Hardin

I had talked to everybody at this point. Buffy. Angel. I could either stay in my little fog of confusion or began to move forward. Ever since I had gotten my soul I had been concerned with me. Not really seeing the people and things around me. The days and nights had blended into an endless stream of overlapping moments. None really distinguishable from another. I followed Angel from the office and out into the lobby of the hotel.

"So, the two of you have decided to join us?" Cordelia asked as we came out. Angel wandered over to her and gently kissed her on the cheek. Asked her if she was feeling neglected.

"No, but your son is. He thought his Daddy had left him." She looked over at the bassinet by her desk. Angel went over to pick up Connor holding him close. Cooing to him. Sometimes watching the two of them together made me queasy. A warrior reduced to a big pile of mush over someone who didn't weigh much more than a sack of potatoes. They kept trying to get me to hold him and so far I had avoided it. He was cute and everything. But babies? Not my style.

I was leaning with my hip on the front desk when Angel approached me. Connor in his arms. I stood straight up and backed away.

"Spike, quit moving. Hold him. You want to discover what makes life worth living? The differences the soul can have in your feelings. Hold him."

He started to hand him to me. I didn't know what the hell to do. Run. Is what my mind kept screaming at me. Fred came over and took the baby from Angel. Relief went through me. But not for long as she turned to me.

"Hold your arms out. You have to support his head and back." As my hands moved around him she instructed me what to do. "Hold him close to you so he feels secure."

Then he was there. Nestled close to me. He looked straight up into my eyes. I shifted him to one arm so I could touch him. Curiosity was pretty much the only thing I was feeling at the moment. This was the first time that I had ever held a baby this way. I ran a finger down the side of his face. Feeling the softness of his skin. He smelled good. Innocent. As my finger moved down his body his little hand wrapped around it. Squeezing it. That did it. He moved something deep inside of me. The next I knew I was making ridiculous talk with an infant.

"That's the difference. You find love. And it's for them not for you." Angel spoke softly to me. He was right. This tiny being was making me feel. Since the soul it had become easier to care. I had killed and fed from entire families before. Now the thought sickened me. There was a fierce protective feeling moving through me. If I was alone with this child and someone wanted to hurt him. They would have to come though me.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to find Cordelia there.

"It's his bedtime."

She took him from my arms and moved to go upstairs. Somehow I felt empty as I watched her go. Then I broke for the first time since I had been there. I sank to the floor with my back to the front desk. Angel came and sat beside me. He never touched me. But a presence to let me know that I wasn't alone. The voices had haunted me and made me feel guilty. Making me know the wrongness of what I had done. Now I felt it emotionally. Talking to Giles and Buffy reminding me of where I should be. Angel's tale of his guilt and hurt. Holding Connor. It broke through the wall of defense I had built. And it hurt like a bitch.

Fred came to sit on the other side of me. Reaching out to hold my hand as the storm raged within me. To forgive myself was what I needed to do. Melissa had told me that and then to move on. I had heard her but didn't know how. So, I had shut down instead. Allowing numbness to take over. Pushing away what I needed. Finally I started to move beyond the tears.

"Angel, I don't know what to do. How do I do it? It's all in my head. But I don't know how to connect everything. My heart, my head, the soul and the demon. I feel split in four." I asked him for the first time from my heart.

"It takes time. I still don't have a complete handle on it. You just have to let your heart and soul lead the way." Angel made it sound so simple and it wasn't. There was no way it was simple. The soul seemed like a separate entity inhabiting my body. I had to find a way to integrate myself into one whole being.

"Have you tried meditation?" It was Cordelia returning from tucking Conner into bed. She came to sit cross-legged in front of me.

"Me? Sitting around with my legs all twisted. Chanting. I don't think so." Not something that I was even interested in.

"It might help. Help you to reach down inside yourself and listen to everything." She explained gently to me.

"That's what I am trying to avoid. To listen to myself. The voices aren't very nice."

Cordy screwed up her face letting me know that she didn't appreciate my lack of enthusiasm for her suggestion.

Just then Wesley and Gunn came barreling through the doors. They had heard from one of their sources that there was a gang of vampires on their way to a nightclub. They had returned for some backup. Angel quickly stood and headed for the weapon cache. I followed right behind him.

"Where do you think you are going?" Angel directed his question to me.

"With you. Sounds like you could use a little help fighting and that I am good at." I was going with them whether he liked it or not.

"It might not hurt to have him along." Wesley chipped in for my side.

"All right but you do anything to endanger any of us and you're out." Angel reluctantly agreed to let me ride along.

Fred and Cordelia stayed behind at the hotel. They felt they were needed but Lorne was out and Angel asked them to stay with Conner. The four of us got into Angel's car and headed out. Gunn and Wesley briefed us on what they had heard and then gave me a lecture on protocol. Like to follow their lead. Not to be impetuous.

Once we reached the nightclub I followed them in. Living in Sunnydale the last couple of years I had forgotten how these places could be. The extremely loud music, the bright lights and the total crush of bodies everywhere. The Bronze in no way could compare to a place like this. I could hear the heartbeats around me. The blood rushing through their veins calling out to me. The smell of sweat and sex everywhere. It was intoxicating. The demon was making his call. I guess I froze because I felt Gunn push me to follow the others. Trying to focus I followed them into the crowd.

Then we could feel them. Five of them moving around the perimeters searching for victims. Angel gave us signals on which way to go. We moved out stalking them. One of them was leading a girl toward the back of the club. Into the darkness. I stayed out in the open as Angel followed the pair. The rest of them realized that he was there and following one of their own. The vampires followed Angel. So, the three of us took off after them. By this time we had a little parade going through the throng. As we reached the edge of the darkened corner the girl came running out brushing past all of us. Then Angel appeared. He stopped when he saw us following the remaining vamps.

One turned around and punched Wesley. That was it. We started fighting pushing them into the dark away from everyone. It felt good to let loose again. It had been a while now since I had released this kind of energy. All too soon they were all dust and it was over. The exhilaration was still coursing through me. I needed more. Something to release these feelings. I needed some more demons to fight. Or to make love to Buffy.

That was when I realized I could look the whole world over. Try to be whoever I thought I should be now that I had a soul. But my destiny and fate was already etched in stone. My life was in Sunnydale. Loving Buffy. And fighting alongside her and the Scoobies.

Away from her I was only half a being. Wherever she happened to be was where I should be. It had been too long. For both of us. Even if there were still things to work out. I needed to be home.

As we made our way back to the Hyperion they discussed the vampires and if they could be part of a bigger gang. I didn't really participate. It wasn't going to be my business soon. But it was kind of like being home. With them talking about research and doing some patrolling to find out about these vamps. It made the ache even stronger to go home.

They were still discussing the vampires when we got back. I followed them in hanging back a little wondering how to let them know I was going home. Once I got through the door Cordelia told me that Dawn had called. And she sounded upset. I headed toward Angel's office again closing the door behind me. She answered on the first ring and whispered hello.

"I take it that you shouldn't be on the phone?" One of these days the girl was going to have to start behaving.

Then I heard Giles calling to her. Asking her who was on the phone. She yelled at him that it was a wrong number. The next sound was that of her door closing. Her voice came to me angry and hurt.

"Spike, I am so pissed off at you."

"And why would that be, Lil' Bit?" She wasn't even supposed to know where I was. I should be upset with her not the other way around.

"Because you didn't tell me. Me! The one who has been your friend all this time? The one who has stuck up for you? I had to find out by eavesdropping on Giles and Buffy."

Ahh, it was the soul thing.

"And didn't anyone ever tell you that eavesdropping was bad. That you never hear what you want to hear or hear things you shouldn't." Just had to tease her a little. I wasn't really mad at her. She had to find out soon enough. I would have preferred telling her myself. But it seemed the cat was out of the bag.

"This coming from the guy who helped me break into the Magic Box? Why didn't you tell me?" She was starting to whine.

"Because I needed some time to myself before I shared the information. But be happy no one else knows but Buffy and Giles." And then it hit me maybe they had told. "Hey, they didn't tell everyone did they?"

"Not that I know of. You mean I know something before the others. Cool!" She definitely had the teenage mood swing thing down to an art.

"So, when are you coming home?"

"Soon. I promise." I didn't want to tell her that I was ready to come home now. There were arrangements to be made. And I wanted Buffy to be surprised.

"Hurry. Okay?

We only talked for a few more minutes. She was afraid that Giles was going to find her on the phone and she didn't want to get into trouble again. I had spent more time on the phone today then I ever had. Today had been one thing after another. One conversation after another. One discovery after another. And I was exhausted from everything that had happened. Tomorrow would be soon enough to go home. Give me time to pack everything up. Talk to Giles and figure out how I was going to get back.

Tomorrow I would be back with Buffy and home where I belonged. Standing I made my way to the lobby. I heard voices and figured the others were still having a meeting. My mind was so full that I didn't try to make out what they were saying. I looked up and saw her.

Buffy. She was here. Standing there in the lobby. I froze and stared. My mind must have snapped somewhere and I was suffering from delusions. She turned to me and smiled. It took only a moment before she was in my arms. Real and warm. Stunned would not even cover the feelings in me. I squeezed her tighter to make sure that she was really there. And she was.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her without letting go. She shifted so that she could look at me.

"I came to bring you home."