When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the suns love
In the spring becomes the rose.

I wake to the feeling that my head was being ripped apart. My mouth felt full of cotton. I opened and closed it a few times to try to work moisture through it. My face was pressed against the coolness of the wall. It felt good against my skin. I laid there for a few minutes trying to get my bearings. Last night was a foggy memory where even removing my clothes and going to bed are lost to it. But I do remember the dreams of Buffy. More vivid than any I have ever had before. And I hurt. She hurts me. The decision I had made the night before to forget her is the best for me. I turned onto my back as the heels of hands attempted to wipe sleep from my eyes. My elbow collided into something soft. I stopped for a moment.

"Oww, Spike."

It's her. In my bed. Last night hadn't been a dream after all. The damn girl had crawled into my bed while I was sleeping. I threw the blanket back and stand up to look down at her. Her eyes open and I see a hint of fear in them as she realizes that I am angry. Good. Let her feel it.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

She reached for the blanket to cover herself but I kicked it away from her. Her eyes closed for a moment then she looked up at me with determination in her eyes now.

"I've come home to you."

She couldn't have dealt it any plainer than that. But it was too late. The decision had been made and I wanted to stick by it. At the time it seemed the only way to survive.

"Get out. I don't want you anymore."

I went to my dresser to grab a clean pair of jeans and then a towel from the shelf. She didn't move just followed me with her eyes as I started to leave the room.

"I'm not going anywhere."

Her voice was softer this time but no less determined.

I turned back to her and my foot got caught in the strap of her bag causing me to trip. That was just what I needed was to be humiliated in front of her. I glanced over at her as I fell against the wall. Her eyes widened in trepidation but she didn't say or do anything. As I stood back up I kicked her bag down the hallway.

"I don't give a shit what you think. Get your god damn stuff and get out of my house."

Then I turned to go into the bathroom. The shower felt good against me as I stood letting the spray fall over me. She was there in my room. Naked. We had sex last night and I couldn't remember but just a few moments of it. She said she was staying. But it was too much to believe. There were no sounds at all outside the bathroom as I finished up. After I pulled my jeans on I went back to my room to see if she was still there. Not really sure if I wanted her to be there or not. But she was. She was sitting on the bed wrapped in the blanket flipping through one of the wallpaper sample books.

"I thought I told you to get out."

I grabbed a clean t-shirt out of the dresser and pulled it over my head. She sighed and looked up at me. The book was closed and laid back down on the floor.

"And I already told you that I wasn't going anywhere."

I moved to stand over her while her eyes had the beginnings of fear again. I didn't want to hurt her just wanted her gone. Something nudged me inside telling me to be careful that I needed to move slowly and watch my temper. I reached down wrapping my hands around her arms and pulled her up. There was nothing rough in my motions. It was slow and deliberate. She could have stopped me at any moment. Once she was standing I leaned against her pushing her back into the wall. My hands were on either side of her. Her face was so close I could feel her breathe against me.

"I don't believe you, Buffy. You feel guilty because of what happened. This isn't about love. It's about making you feel better for leaving us. And I don't care how you feel anymore. And I want you out."

I didn't shout but said it calmly so she would understand that I meant it. Her eyes searched mine as she listened to me. I could see it. The guilt. It was big enough to consume her and she was trying to make amends. If she had loved me she would have come back sooner.

"I do love you, Spike. Just give me a chance to prove it." Buffy stammered the words out to me. She moved a hand to rest it on my side under my shirt. Softly she stroked my flesh. It screamed out for her. Every nerve ending in my body wanted to make love to her again.

"You know if the situation was reversed. If it had been you passed out drunk last night and I had come in here to fuck you this morning you would have been screaming rape. Is that how you prove your love."

I let go of her and stepped back. The tears had started to fall and I felt like a bastard for hurting her. Last night hadn't been rape. I had seen the bruises on her skin. There had been no gentleness in what we had done last night. Or in what I had done. But she had taken the roughness because she had been trying to comfort me. And in a way it made me love her more.

Her face turned bright red and she turned her face from me. I wanted so badly to reach out and pull her to me. To tell her how much I loved her. But I was afraid of making myself vulnerable again. She tightened the blanket around her and moved toward the door. I stood my ground and waited to see what she would do. She knelt beside her suitcase and took out some clothes. Then she moved down the hallway to grab her tote bag. She slipped into the bathroom closing the door behind her.

When I heard her turn the shower on I moved to go upstairs. It was the living room that I was working on right now but I wanted to be away from her. There was a bunch of junk left behind from someone in the master bedroom and I began to gather it up into one pile. As I was throwing some stuff into an old box she stepped into the room. I ignored her.

"Spike, I'm going to go and pick up Dawn. We're going to go and help bring Tara home." She stayed in the doorway and waited for some kind of response. When I didn't give it she told me that she would be home in a few hours.

"This isn't your bloody home." I shouted out to her as she moved down the stairs. When she didn't answer me I threw an old book across the room. Enjoying the thud as it landed against the wall. Now that she was gone I went back downstairs. The rest of the wallpaper needed to come off the walls.

The kitchen was done now. The appliances had arrived on Friday and were now operational. There were still a few things to be done to it. But it felt good that it was now functional. My blood was now stored in the fancy new refrigerator.

I grabbed a quick mug of it and returned to work in the living room. After I finished ripping all the wallpaper off that would be easily removed I started to scrape at some places that the glue and paper had stuck.

It was almost six when I heard the car pull into the drive. I glanced out the window and saw her come up the walk. She was carrying a bag of take out with her. I guess this morning she realized that there wasn't anything for her to eat here. I returned to my work as she came through the door. She came to stand beside me before she said anything. Once she realized she had my attention she told me hello.

I looked at her briefly before returning to what I was doing. She moved to put the bag of food on the table in the corner. Her movements were careful and methodical. Like she was telling herself what to do. There wasn't anything natural about her. She glanced over at me before she headed for the kitchen. I listened as she busied herself in the kitchen. She poured out a mug of blood for me popping it into the microwave to warm up. After it beeped she came back into the living room with the mug, some plates, napkins and silverware. I stopped what I was doing to watch her play the little wife. She set the plates out. The mug was placed next to the plate across from her. Then she set the food out.

"Go wash up before it gets cold." She looked at me in defiance. Daring me to be nasty to her when she was trying so hard to be nice to me. I shrugged my shoulders and decided to play along. She had brought home Chinese food. Next to wings it was one of my favorites. And the blood had been a thoughtful touch because it showed she remembered I liked to dip my egg roll in it.

When I returned to sit across from her there was already an egg roll on my plate and the containers of food were open and waiting for me to help myself.

As we began to eat she told me that Tara was settled at home and was feeling pretty good. She and Willow had decided they just wanted to be alone tonight. Buffy had gone to rent movies for them and picked them up some food too.

"I told Xander that we would be back after dinner to see him."

I was looking for a reason to be angry with her even as slim of an excuse as this one. She wasn't doing anything wrong. If the truth were to be told she was doing everything right. But I didn't want it. Not now. I put my fork down moving to lean on my arms on the table. And then waited until she was looking at me.

"So, not only do you presume to just crawl into my bed and move into my house yet again. Now you're making decisions for me. Forget it. I do what I want when I want."

A slow blush covered her face and she blinked back some tears. I knew I was being an ass about everything. Shame moved through me as I realized that I had embarrassed her.

"How long are you going to punish me?" She held my gaze unwaveringly. A bit of defiance was flashing in her eyes again. "I'm not saying I don't deserve this but just give some time frame for how long you're going to do this."

"For as long as it takes for you to realize I don't want your guilt and for you to get the fuck out of my life." I stood sending my chair crashing to the ground. She stood when I did and glared at me across the table.

"And I have already told you that I am not going anywhere."

She started to pack up the cartons of food and clean up the table. I just watched her as she did not offering to help. If she wanted to play wife let her do it. When she moved to take the leftovers to the kitchen I left to take another shower. I was going to see Xander. I had planned on it anyway. In a lot of ways I was being unfair to her and I knew it. She kept telling me what I had always told her. That I wasn't going anywhere. But she had gone somewhere. She had left me. I couldn't let myself believe that she was really here to stay. It was too much to hope for.

She was waiting for me in the living room when I got out of the shower. Curled into a corner of the couch her arms wrapped around herself. She looked like a lost little girl and it tugged at my heartstrings. For some reason though I still held onto my pride.

I walked past her to head outside. She scrambled up and followed me out. But I didn't wait for her as I moved toward the bike. She tried to follow me but as I soon as I started it up I turned it toward the street. Leaving her behind. I hesitated at the edge of the street to turn back to look at her. She was watching me leave her. Her face etched in hurt. I could be an ass to her and excuse that away. But I couldn't be deliberately cruel to her.

I pulled out onto the street and turned back around. She was opening the door of the Desoto when I pulled up next to her. My eyes met the greenness of hers waiting for the jolt of awareness that I knew would come. It did. The connection was still there. I gestured toward the back of the bike and waited as she climbed on. I closed my eyes as her legs pressed against mine. And I remembered the first time she had ridden with me. The night I had gotten back. She moved me like no one else did and I wanted her even more in that moment. Her arms slid around my waist and she scooted forward so that she was pressed against me. I just wanted to drive on and on. To never let her off that bike. Maybe if we ran away we could delude ourselves with love forever.

The visit with Xander was pretty good. He was in better spirits then the last time I had seen him. And he liked that we had come together. Making jokes that we were all back together. I let it slide because he didn't need to know right now how strained things were between us. Having an excuse to touch her I put my arm around her and pulled her close. Enjoying having her softness against me. She stiffened when I first moved toward to her but she soon relaxed into me. It was almost like we were really together. Her arms moved around me and her hand rested on my stomach.

I had difficulty following the conversation around me with her being so near to me. Hopefully, I made the right responses at the right time. Xander made a joke about something and she laughed. The sound went though me and I wondered if we would ever laugh together again. Would we ever be able to relax enough around each other to have fun? Like that night in the cemetery when we just played together. Involuntarily I squeezed her a little harder against me. When I did I came under her scrutiny resulting in a gentle pat to my stomach. I didn't want this. I didn't want to be closer to her. But I smiled it out until we left.

She was under my arm right up until we were out of sight of Xander's room. Then I took it away from her and continued down the hall without her. It wasn't until I had pressed the button for the elevator did I turn to look at her. She looked so crushed. And I had been the one to do it to her. She was a smart girl and would know that it was just an act in front of Xander. I looked away. If I didn't look I wouldn't know. If I didn't know then I didn't have to make the decision. I could keep my heart guarded.

It was becoming harder to stay angry with her. Buffy had been there all day taking my bullshit and hadn't bailed yet. A few times she had even stood up to me. I was just so afraid to believe that that this was happening. That she was here to stay. If I let her in and tomorrow she changed her mind again I would probably kill her. Destroy everything that I had been building. Was being with her worth the risk of losing myself? I didn't know.

It was still early when we got back home. I let her get off the bike at the front door while I took it around back to park it. I went in through the back door and found her in the kitchen getting ice. Then ice water. And I was reminded again that there wasn't anything in the house for her to eat or drink.

"Do you want to go to the store?"

Where the bloody hell had that come from? I had just basically told her that she was staying. And she had taken it that way from the look in her eyes. I sighed as I realized I had just out maneuvered myself.

"Let's go." I didn't wait for a response from her just turned and headed out to the car. She followed me without saying anything. Neither of us said a word until we got to the store. When she thought I wasn't looking I caught her checking her wallet for money. She was startled when I laid my hand on hers. It was the classic deer-in-the-headlights look.

"Get what you want." I held her eyes so she would know that I would take care of her. There was only a moment of hesitation before she nodded her head. We moved slowly through the store both of us grabbing stuff that we wanted or looked good. The talk was coming later. But it was kind of understood now that I was letting her stay. Actually we both had known it earlier. If I had really wanted her to leave I would have found a way to get rid of her.

She was trying to decide what flavor ice cream she wanted when I opened the freezer case and started to grab different flavors.

"What are you doing? If you want that much it's cheaper to just buy it by the half gallon." She laughed at the dozen different ones in the cart.

"Yeah, but I don't know which flavor tastes better on you."

She stopped laughing as I saw the desire run through her. Lighting her eyes up. I couldn't resist her any longer as I reached over and tugged her by the hair toward me. She sighed just as I captured her mouth. She was so sweet as she opened her mouth to me. I heard someone giggle and I broke away from her. But kept her tucked under my arm as we finished the grocery rounds.

As we left the store there were some guys breaking down boxes. I asked them if I could have some of them. When they let me I put them in the trunk of the car. Buffy just looked at me but I didn't explain. On the ride home she was sitting by the passenger door, which was too far away for me. I reached over putting my hand between her legs.

"Spike!"

I laughed and squeezed her upper thigh then pulled her toward me.

"All you had to do was ask." She said as she scooted toward me. It just felt right to have her beside me. Snuggled into my side with her hand on my leg. There was still a lot of things to work out but this was right.

We got the groceries in the house and I told her to just worry about the cold stuff for now. I kissed her on the brow and told her just do it for me. I unpacked the stuff and handed it to her to put away. Except for one pint of ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip. After everything else was put away I pulled the top off of it and scooped some out on my finger. As she closed the door I pinned her to it.

"Buffy, close your eyes and open your mouth."

We needed to talk because she did it without question. That was either really gutsy or really trusting. I opted for the latter choice. I took the scoop of ice cream and sucked it off my finger and leaned into her. She giggled when my mouth closed over hers and she tasted the ice cream on me. Then it was a battle as to who could get the most of it before it melted. I won.

"I love you, Spike."

She looked relaxed and happier than she had all day. Like she had been given a present that she really wanted and had been looking forward too. I wasn't there just yet. It was closer than before but I wasn't ready to say the words just yet. I kissed her quickly again and took her by the hand.

"Come on."

There was one more thing to do that night. Get her stuff. Not all of it. Just her clothes and bathroom stuff. Whatever personal stuff she couldn't live without until we could move everything else. When we got to her apartment I sent her into the bathroom to pack while I started on her closet. Pulling clothes down and taking them out to the car. After I got everything out of the closet I went in to start taking out the boxes she had already packed. I glanced around before we left when I spotted a box in the closet. I almost called out to her to see if she wanted it. But she was already down the hall. I grabbed it putting it on the bed to check it out. When I pulled the top off I saw it was the lingerie I had bought her. I ran it over my hands as I pulled it out. Didn't she want it?

"I couldn't wear it unless you could see it."

I looked back at her as she stood in the doorway. Then back down at the pile of silk and satin covering her bed. All the pink and white and the other few colors mixed in. All piled on the bed that I had never had a chance to make love to her in. This bed had been part of my fantasies for so long. It wouldn't go in the house. Not in the master bedroom anyway. So, it was now or never for us on this bed.

She moved to my side as I threw the box on the floor.

"Give me a fantasy before we have to face reality."

A quizzical look crossed her face as her eyes studied my face. I stepped closer to her reaching for the hem of her shirt. Her eyes closed as I began to draw it up. She raised her arms so I could pull it over her head. We had been through so much together. I didn't want to wait to be with her. There was all the time in the world to talk. Soft kisses across her shoulders while I reached behind and undid her bra. It joined the shirt on the floor.

"Kiss me." She asked so nicely. But it wasn't time yet. Wanted her naked first. I picked her up and dropped her on the bed instead. Knelt beside it to remove her shoes and socks. Holding her foot in my hand I dropped a kiss to her ankle. I stood to pull my shirt off. A knee on the bed between her legs while I reached for the clasp of her jeans. I watched her as I undid them. Her eyes smoldered as they followed my movements. She rose up some so I could pull them off her hips and down her legs.

She was naked. The way I wanted her to be. I gazed at her wondering where to start. There wasn't a part of her that I didn't want to reacquaint myself with. Every satiny inch of her flesh was there waiting for me. And I was like a kid in a candy store trying to figure out what to taste first.

Buffy moved so she wasn't lying across the bed anymore. Her hands picked up a handful of the lingerie to dump it over the side of the bed.

"Don't."

I went to lie next to her. Reached a hand out to take the bundle of satin and silk from her. Then I dropped it on her. She stirred restlessly on the bed letting me know that I was making her wait. A finger hooked into one of the straps and I dragged it slowly across her. Up and over her breasts watching as her nipple puckered as it slid across her. I heard her breath catch as it tickled her. I rose to my knees next to her. Pushing aside the other pieces I kept a hold of the one teddy. Soft and rosy pink. Like her. I bunched it up and moved down to her feet. Letting one piece of material out I trailed it slowly over her legs. Goosebumps were left in its wake. Then soft kisses followed them. All the way up to her thighs. My knee moved to separate her legs.

She opened for me. The silk was trailed on the inside of her thighs. Her eyes never left me until I moved to kneel between her legs. I bent forward and blew softly against her curls. She arched up toward my face while her head tossed. Her eyes closed now.

"Mmmmmh, Spike. Please."

The silk visited her slowly then started up her belly. I paused for a quick taste of her sweet honey. Then followed the silk up her body. I let it play with her breasts. Softly tickling her nipples. They beaded up. So sweetly asking for attention. I brought my hips down to be cradled against her apex. Resting on my elbows above her. She pulled her knees up to use her heels for leverage against the bed. So, she could rub herself against me. I looked down into her face. This was the woman that I loved. The woman who had given me a life that I didn't know I could have. And the anger was gone. All that mattered was that she was here with me now.

I moved so that I could wind my fingers in her hair. She looked up at me. Then I brought my lips to hers. We kissed slowly at first. Her tongue demanded my attention and I gave it. To the dance that was so primal and raw in nature that I didn't ever want it to stop. Her hands held me to her so I wouldn't move away from her. My hands started to roam what I could reach of her body. All of a sudden I found myself on my back. With her above me.

"I love you." She whispered it against my mouth as she broke our kiss. Her mouth started to kiss me hurriedly down my neck. Down my chest. Down my belly. Her hands tore at my jeans undoing them then bringing down my legs. She moved to the side so she could pull them off. They landed on the floor.

She moved over me again. Kissing my thighs moving my legs apart with her hands. But I didn't want that now. I wanted her. To be inside of her. I reached down and grasped her under her arms and pulled her up. Until she was above me.

"Now, Buffy."

She sank down on me and I arched up into her. My hands holding her hips as she began to move against me. Coming down to grind against me so that I was in her to the hilt. She felt so good as she squeezed me and made me hers again.

I reached a finger up to trace a bead of sweat down her chest. She shifted to move her breast to my hand. My eyes went to hers as I obeyed her request. Kneading the mound that I held. Tweaking and rolling the beaded pebble. I searched her face for the love I needed from her. It was there in her eyes as she took me into her body over and over again. My hand moved back to her face. Cupping the cheek in my palm. She leaned into it. And I realized that no matter what she had my heart and this was the only place I wanted to be.

I reached my hands out to her and flipped us again. She groaned against the momentary loss of contact. I leaned on my elbows again so I could watch her face.

"Wrap your legs around me, Baby."

I waited until she did then began to move inside of her. Watching every expression on her face. Every nuance that the pleasure gave her. She held my eyes as we became lost in the journey. The heat building between us to the point where I thought she would combust. I waited until she crested before I let myself go. Falling with her to other side of love.

As she regained her breath I leaned down and kissed her softly.

"Buffy?"

"Mmmmh."

"What do you want from us? Because I can't take you ever leaving again."

She looked up at me her hand tracing the edge of my face.

"To love you forever. To be here with you. I promise, Spike, that I will never leave you again. Not if I have anything to say about it."

Then she rose up to kiss me. To seal her promise to me.

It's a promise that she has kept so far. She has been with me for five years now. Sometimes even now I go to look for her to make sure she is there. Just to reach out to touch her. And when I do she will a reach out to hold me. Her eyes always filled with love. A patient smile on her face as if to reassure me that she is still there.

I wish I could tell you that we have lived happily ever after. But we haven't. What did you expect? Champagne, roses and glass slippers? This is Buffy and me. A vampire slayer and a vampire building a life together on a hellmouth. Life is hard and living in it is even harder. We have had to stop a couple more apocalypses, fought more vampires and demons than we care to count. There have been family problems to contend with. And always power struggles between us. We still fight as passionately as we make love. But we are doing it together. And that's all that counts.

The End.