Chapter 21 – One Last Breath
I’m looking down now that’s over
Reflecting on all my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
Creed
All she kept thinking was that
it shouldn’t hurt this much. There wasn’t a part of her that didn’t ache, even
her heart felt heavy. Her eyes burned with tears that were falling in torrents
down cheeks left raw in their wake. Buffy threw her head back in an effort to
fill her lungs but another sob prevented the needed oxygen from reaching them.
She wished Spike would return to her. His arms holding her would make things
better.
It always had before. He was
the glue that kept her together. She needed him. Longingly, she stared out the
door he had run through, wishing he would return but she knew he wouldn’t. Not
for awhile anyway. As always her husband retreated when the pain was the
hardest, to a place that not even she could reach. It was better to leave him
be to sort it out. Like any cornered creature he would lash out if threatened.
Unable to sit there on the
bed that had seen another Buffy / Spike disaster, Buffy reached for her robe.
She wrapped it around her, holding it closed as she moved to the door. A hot
bath would chase away some of the throbbing that threaded through her body. She
opened the door, stepping back in surprise when Angel’s large form stood there.
Fresh tears fell as he
wrapped his arms around her. “Did he hurt you?”
Buffy shook her head. Words
were impossible to push past the lump in her throat.
“I’ll have a talk with him,”
Angel said, patting her back.
“No,” Buffy exclaimed.
“No…you can’t.”
It was then that Angel
realized that her hair was hanging in various jagged lengths. A growl emitted
low in his throat. Buffy pushed him away suddenly ashamed. She was barely
dressed. She reeked of sex, sweat and blood. His vampire senses would magnify
each odor, each emotion, leaving her more vulnerable than she wanted to be.
“What did he do to you?”
Angel asked. Each word fell into the air like a stone. His anger pulsed in the
air between them. “Tell me, Buffy.”
“It’s none of your
business,” Buffy whispered, staring at the ground. She clutched the robe around
her like a shield. “Leave it alone.”
“How can I? He’s my Childe…”
“And he’s my husband…my
mate, and he did nothing to me that I didn’t allow.”
“He doesn’t have the right
to treat you like that,” Angel said, cupping her cheeks. “You don’t have to
take it.”
“I want to,” Buffy insisted,
pulling away from him. Her eyes snapped with indignation. “For four years he
has repressed everything. Nothing has penetrated the hard shell he put around
himself. Now it’s coming out and it’s going to hurt not only him but me as well.
And I accept it so that I can have him back. All of him.”
“She’s right,” Cordelia
said.
They both turned to look at
the former princess as she made her way slowly down the hall. One hand was
drifting along the wall as if she needed its support. Buffy watched the change
come over Angel instantaneously. He softened with the love he held for his
wife. The tile floor echoed the cadence of his hurried footsteps as he went to
her. His arm slipped around her.
And the touching scene
ripped through Buffy’s heart. She wondered if she and Spike would ever reach
this level of devotion. A decade of fighting, loving, and living together still
found them to be near strangers. Had they made a mistake in trying to make it
work? Their hearts said one thing but their actions spoke an entirely different
language. She turned her gaze downward, unable to bear watching for a moment
longer.
“Pass me over to Buffy,”
Cordelia said, slipping next to her friend. “Come on. I think you were headed
to take a bath. Right?”
“Yeah,” Buffy said, nodding
her head.
“You can use ours. It has a
whirlpool tub in it. You can just sink down into it,” Cordelia informed her.
She slipped her arm through Buffy’s. “Angel go back to bed I’ll be there in a
few minutes.”
Angel hovered for a moment.
He looked at Buffy with uncertainty.
“Go, Angel,” Buffy said,
putting her arm around Cordelia. “I know you’re there if I need you. Just leave
it for now. Please?”
He nodded then turned on his
heel to head down the hall to the master bedroom. Buffy watched him leave. The
girl inside her wondered what might have happened if things had been different.
While the woman she was envied the man he had become.
“He’s mine,” Cordelia said,
with a chuckle. “Oh, and of course Joy’s.”
“I’m sorry,” Buffy said,
leading them down the hallway. “I just…it’s a…”
“I’m not worried. I know
your heart is Spike’s, even if he doesn’t appreciate it.”
“Thank you,” Buffy sighed.
“I’m all confused right now. I do love him and he does appreciate it. He just
doesn’t understand it.”
“Defend him, hon,” Cordelia
said. “He’s yours, but don’t let him become everything you are.”
“I think it’s too late,”
Buffy said, turning into the bathroom. She stared into the mirror. “I don’t
think I’d know who I am unless Spike was attached somehow.”
“You’re Buffy,” Cordelia
said, softly. “And you’re the same girl who once told another vampire that when
everything else was taken away, she still had herself.”
Buffy ran her fingers
through her hair, gauging the damage, as Cordelia started the water in the
bathtub. She poured a large amount of sweet smelling bath salts into it.
“Now, let me find something
before I leave,” Cordelia said, rummaging around in a drawer. She pulled out a
pair of scissors. “Give me just a second to even this out.”
Buffy’s hair was pulled back
and she could feel the scissors against her back as Cordelia cut. More of her
hair was dropped into the trash can. She felt like she had lost years of her
life with the loss of her hair. It was so short right after Journey’s birth and
her daughter’s life could be chronicled by the length of her locks. She closed
her eyes unwilling to accept that the one who loved her hair the most was the
one to destroy it.
“It’s not too bad,” Cordelia
said. “It’s still a few inches below your shoulders. See?”
Opening her eyes, she gazed
upon what was left. Cordelia pushed it over her shoulder. No longer did it fall
to cover her breasts but instead brushed against the beginnings of their slope.
Buffy tugged on it as if she could pull it out more.
It was gone. This time she
didn’t know if she would grow it out. Maybe this time she would return it to
the short, practical style. It would serve him right to lose it all. But
revenge was cold comfort so she reached for a hair band and twisted it on top
of her head.
“I’ll call my hairdresser in
the morning,” Cordelia said. “Tell him it’s an emergency and I’m sure he’ll see
you after the meeting.”
“Thank you,” Buffy said,
turning to lean on the counter. “I appreciate everything.”
“It’s what friends are for.
Now, take a hot bath, relax and holler if you need anything.”
With that, Cordelia slipped
from the room, leaving Buffy alone. She let the robe slide onto the floor
before she stepped into the hot water, sinking down into its comforting
embrace. It was seductive and Buffy answered its call, closing her eyes and
dreaming about happier times in Spike’s arms.
~~~~~~~
“Huh, what happened? Who’s
hurt? What do we need to bring?”
The sleep addled voice
mumbled over standard questions for someone who had been fighting evil for half
his life. And in spite of the turmoil that filled him, Spike chuckled at
Xander’s confused ramblings.
“It’s me, mate.”
“Spike?” Xander’s voice was
suddenly a few octaves higher than normal. “What’s going on?”
“I need to talk.”
“Yeah, okay,” Xander said.
Spike heard him mumble
something to a complaining Anya then shuffling feet
against their wood floors, the creak of the swinging door into the kitchen then
the opening and shutting of the refrigerator door.
“You ready?” Spike asked
when he heard a chair scrape against the tile of the kitchen floor.
“Go for it,” Xander said.
“I’m taking it that nobody is hurt.”
Yeah, someone was hurt, very
hurt, but it wasn’t a wound that could be bandaged. Spike dropped his head onto
his knees. His free hand dug into the wet sand beside him, almost wishing that
the next wave would swallow him whole. Guilt was tearing through him and the
confusion was making him dizzy.
“Why does she stay with me?”
Spike asked, a sob accentuating his question.
“Because she loves you,”
Xander answered. It was almost too simple but it was the truth. “What
happened?”
With halting words, Spike
unburdened himself from the confrontation to the moment he tore out of the
house and down the beach. The only details left out were to protect Buffy’s
modesty. There were some things that a man didn’t discuss with anyone but the woman
he was sharing it with.
“Okay, buddy,” Xander said.
“I’m going to channel my wife here. What is your frickin’ problem?”
“I’m an ass,” Spike said,
with a laugh. He used the heel of his hand to wipe away the tears that were
coursing down his cheeks. “I’m a son of a bitch, an evil bloodsucking demon
that should have been staked years ago.”
“Well, yeah,” Xander agreed,
laughing along with his friend. “But that doesn’t explain why you did it.”
“I keep seeing Drusilla in
her. I just want Buffy.”
“Did you ever just tell her
that?”
“No, might have been
easier,” Spike said, then sighed. “I didn’t realize it until I walked into the
house.” With hurried words he told his friend about the memory he had recalled
upon seeing the trio. “I saw Buffy and all I could see was her.”
“Answer me honestly here,”
Xander asked. “After you got through the first feelings, did you at any point
think that Buffy would be doing that? I mean, fooling around with Angel. During
the last few years has she given you any indication that she was waiting for
Angel?”
“No, not at all,” Spike
said. “That isn’t the point.”
“Yes, it is. It’s very much
the point. It’s what you refuse to see, have always refused to see because your
pride was on the line.”
“What the bleeding hell are
you talking about?”
Oh, he saw. He just didn’t
want to see it. Xander was right. Spike covered his eyes with his hand as if it
would keep the truth at bay. But it couldn’t be contained any longer. It was
demanding to be accepted. And he needed to voice it if he wanted any hope of
keeping his marriage alive.
“Did Drusilla ever love you
the way Buffy does?”
“No, she didn’t,” Spike
whispered. He stood, making his way to the water’s edge. “No one has ever loved
me like Buffy does.”
“About damn time you saw
that,” Xander said. Spike could almost see the grin on his face. “Now, let go
of every bit of garbage you’ve been carrying around, then run to Buffy, throw
yourself on your knees and beg for her forgiveness.”
“Thank you,” Spike said. He
didn’t wait for a reply, just clicked the phone off, and slipped it back into
his pocket. For a moment he remembered the life he had once shared with
Drusilla. The years after Angel had gotten his soul and it was just the two of
them. They were mostly good times, filled with adventure and sex, and an
unfathomable amount of love on his part. Oh, Dru loved him but never with the
intensity that she had loved her Daddy with.
He had always been second
best with Drusilla.
With arms outstretched he
fell forward into the water. He swam outwards searching for a physical pain
that would rival the one in his heart. Time passed as he used his muscles in
demanding force, slicing through the icy water, heading back to the beach
house. He saw the lights of his Sire’s home and turned on his back to stare up
at the moon. He closed his eyes and let his senses take over.
Even here he could feel Buffy’s
soul. It was battered and sad but still holding onto his. Like his personal
siren, she called him toward the shore and to the refuge of her arms. It was
too strong. He knew it was time as he walked toward the house. This time it had
to be with all of him returning back into her waiting arms.
Spike hesitated at the
bottom step. A wind sent a shiver through him making him shake from the cold
but yet he couldn’t traverse the last few steps to a refuge. Instead he turned
to the sea, eyes heavy with tears, his voice laden with regret, he whispered,
“Goodbye Drusilla.”
~~~~~~
Buffy was curled on the bed
with her eyes closed. The tempo of her heartbeat let him know that she wasn’t
asleep. He didn’t deserve her attention. His jeans had been left on the patio
so the carpet wouldn’t be soaked. But the water still dripped off of him,
leaving footprints in the deep plush carpeting covering the floor.
“I’m going to take a quick
shower,” Spike whispered.
“All right,” Buffy replied.
Her eyes opened, giving him a quick perusal in the candlelight. “Hurry back.”
It was a good sign that she
was waiting for him, wanted him beside her as she slept. He rushed through his
shower, rinsing sand and salt from his body. Getting back to her was all he
could think about as he quickly ran a towel over himself. It was only when he
reached the foot of the bed, did he slow his movements. He gazed upon the woman
lying atop the covers. She wore one of his t-shirts and a pair of black cotton
panties that taunted him, peeking out from the under the hem of the shirt.
He knelt on the bed, kissing
her thigh before pushing it away from its twin. With a light touch, he ran his
finger over the bite mark before leaning down to kiss it. She murmured, and he
licked it, tasting her with still a twinge of the coppery taste of her blood.
He tried to move between her legs and she shut them, forcing him away. Abashed
at the rejection, he sat back on his haunches, and closed his eyes.
“I don’t want sex,” Buffy
said, pulling him down beside her. “I want you to cuddle with me.”
“I can do that,” Spike said,
settling into the bed. He pulled the covers over them, wrapping Buffy up. He
pushed her hair back behind her ear. “I’m sorry. I love you so much.”
“I know,” Buffy whispered,
clasping his hand. “I understand.”
“I need to tell you
something.”
“What?”
Her fingers traced his brow,
coming down to cup his cheek. This sweet embrace was what he needed. Here he
was safe from all the pain of his life. He kissed her lips chastely.
“I realized something
tonight,” Spike whispered. “Well, actually Xander brought it to my attention.”
She went to speak and he laid a finger on her mouth. “I need to say this before
I…” His eyes closed for a moment then opened them. He wanted to be looking into
those pools of his heart when he told her. “No one has loved me like you do.
Not even Drusilla. If she had, she wouldn’t have conspired to use you as a pawn
to give her what she wanted. It was about her. Not about me or you or the
baby…not even Dagon. She needed…wanted someone to take care of her and she
didn’t care who she used to get it.”
“I should have trusted you,”
Buffy confessed. “I know that you would have protected us but…I couldn’t accept
not being in control. It was about control. I let her lies inflate my fears and
my ego. I was wrong.”
“I want to let go of it,”
Spike said. “Make a fresh start.”
“No, we’re not going to
erase the past. There have been a lot of good times, too. We’ll move
forward…try harder.”
Spike pulled her closer,
kissing her forehead, while kneading her bottom. “So, I was thinking…”
“Oh, boy that’s dangerous,”
Buffy teased, hooking a leg over his hip.
“How about we go away for a
couple of days, just us? Spend some time just talking, making love, sleeping
and eating.”
“Four of my favorite
things,” Buffy said. “Spike, promise me something?”
“What’s that, Luv?”
“No grand gestures that
won’t mean a thing in a week or two.”
“I promise,” Spike whispered
against her mouth. “Every day will be met with a new vow to love you more than
the day before.”
“That I can live with,”
Buffy agreed, with a smile. “So, can we rest in peace now?”
“Huh?” Spike asked in
confusion. His brows met as he studied her.
Buffy giggled then broke out
in song, “Let me rest in peace. Let me get some sleep. Let me take my love and
bury it in sex…”
“Its six feet, pet,” Spike
said with a laugh. “If you can’t remember the words don’t sing it.”
“Oh, please, I remember
everything,” Buffy declared. “Even the corny line about me
living so one of us is living…”
“Don’t be making fun of my
little songs,” Spike argued. He tickled her, loving the peals of laughter that
rang through the air. She fought against him until they twisted too close to
the edge. Buffy fell first with Spike on top of her. They kept laughing as they
wrestled trying to gain the upper hand. Their hands flew over each other then
they forgot everything else but each other.
~~~~~~~
Angel settled Cordelia
closer to him then reached over to turn the radio on.
“What’s that for?” Cordy
asked sleepily. “They’re not fighting again, are they?”
“No, they’re not,” Angel
whispered. He leaned down to kiss her. “They’ve made up.”
“Good,” Cordy said, pulling
him down for another kiss. “Now, quit being concerned about them and tend to
your own wife.”
“Anything you want,” Angel
whispered, sliding down the bed. “Anything at all.”
to be continued…
