Chapter 31 – Fallen Angel
I hold on to nothing
I am without guilt
I take all you have
I take all you’ve built
I feel the desire to fade away inside
I feel the need to runaway and hide
I need the pain to get me through the night
I need to face my fears, to turn and fight
Flesh Field
Max stared into his
reflection as he drew the razor down his cheek. The changes brought by age appeared
more prominent this morning. Or maybe he looked that way because he felt older
than usual this morning. Logically, he knew that being in his thirties was
still considered young. Emotionally and spiritually he was drained enough for
several lifetimes. The constant battles for balance, to not only survive, but
to find some measure of happiness were taking its toll on him.
Maybe he needed a vacation.
Leave
He glanced up at the clock.
There was time to dawdle. He hadn’t been able to sleep the night before. His
mind kept dissecting and analyzing everything going on. There had to be a
connection. Something they weren’t seeing. It was the old adage of not seeing
the forest for the trees. But he couldn’t figure it out. He rinsed off his
face, grabbed a towel and headed back to his bedroom.
His clothes were already
laid out across his bed that had been made as soon as he woke. The sheets and
blanket were soothed out with military precision. It was routine. His whole
life was down to a schedule that left no room for weakness. It left you
vulnerable. None of them needed that, but so many around him were falling into
temptation. Their emotions were diverting them from the fight. Someone had to
be in control. Since he only had himself to worry about, he elected himself
into that role. The weight of the responsibility was almost unbearable though.
After dressing, Max headed
to the kitchen of his small apartment to make his breakfast. His usual pot of
hot coffee and a bowl of cold cereal was all he needed or took time for during the
week. While the coffee brewed, he unfolded the newspaper and put it on the
table then poured his cereal into a bowl that never got into the cabinet. He
used it, washed it, put it into the drainer then it would be used the next
morning.
This morning though he was
restless. The routine irritated rather than soothed him. He let his mind wander
for a moment. A familiar fantasy weaved its spell. Faith here beside him,
teasing him about his prissy ways, and him kissing her good morning. She would
be laughing, her hair still messy from bed and her pajamas hanging on her hips
showing off the softness of her belly. It would never happen though. Not for
him. Not for her. Daydreaming was an indulgence that only interrupted his life.
It would be for the best for him to remember that.
Max was pouring his coffee
when the doorbell rang. It was such an unaccustomed sound that it took him a
moment to figure out where the shrill bell was coming from. His footsteps were
cautious as he approached his entrance hall. He reached for his gun laying on
the side table then told himself he was a fool and left it where it was. He did
peer through the peephole before opening the door. It was Faith. She was
looking around the hallway, dancing in place. He swung the door open and waited
for her to speak first.
“Hey, Max,” Faith said, with
a small wave. “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop by.” She gave a
small laugh and scuffed her shoe against the rug.
“You don’t need an excuse,”
Max assured her as he stepped back to let her in. She smiled her appreciation
as she walked by him. “Would you like a cup of coffee or anything?”
“No, I’m fine,” she replied,
shaking her head. She took a seat on the edge of the couch. Her purse tucked
against her as if she wanted to be ready for a hasty flight.
It was almost too surreal to
have her at his place. The whole time they were dating she’d never visited. He
watched her looking his place over. From the heavy leather couch and chairs, to
the small office space in one corner and the bookcases on either side of the
fireplace. It was a comfortable apartment, decorated with things he’d picked
out. It was his first home since Brianna’s death. Nothing remained from those
days so it had taken him awhile to fill the place up. Faith had helped a little,
Buffy more, and Cordelia the most. They contributed the little touches that converted
it from a bachelor pad to a home.
“It’s really nice, Max,”
Faith said, her eyes settling on him. “I like it.”
“Thank you,” he replied,
opting for politeness. It wasn’t like he could say what he really wanted to say
to her. That he wanted her to stay. That it could be her place too. Ask her if
she wanted to see the bedroom and more. He sighed. “Did you need something? I
know this isn’t a social call.”
“I wanted to talk to you
about…everything away from the Hyperion,” Faith stammered, running her hands
along her jeans covered thighs. “I really didn’t mean for anything to happen to
the girls. It’s tearing me up inside about what happened to Raven.” She sighed
then glanced down at the floor. “I’m trying, Max, I really am. I just…”
“I know you are, Faith,” Max
said. It surprised him that she wanted his approval. It also gave him hope. But
he was afraid to latch onto it. “I didn’t mean to lay all the blame on you either.
It’s just…sometimes you don’t think things through.”
“I know.” She stood and
wandered over to the window, looking out over the busy street below. “There are
things I wish I could tell you but I can’t. Make you understand…” She shrugged.
“Are you in love with
Dylan?” Max asked, standing. “Is this what this call is about? To make sure I
know my place?”
“No, god, no,” Faith declared,
with a smile. “I’m not in love with Dylan. I’m not serious about him and I’m
not sleeping with him. He’s…” she cast her eyes down, “fun. And if he’s busy
with me then maybe he’s leaving Spike alone. Can you understand that?”
“I understand that you value
having fun too much,” Max scolded. His voice was sharper than he intended. “You
need to be serious especially now when things are getting so out of hand. We
need you focused.”
“I know,” Faith said so
quietly he could barely hear her. “I don’t want to screw this up. Not this
time.”
“You won’t,” Max reassured
as he pulled her into a hug. “Not if you keep trying.”
She sank into his arms with
a soft sigh. He just didn’t understand why she couldn’t love him. Why she kept
herself at arms length. He loved her just the way she was. Would accept her bad
traits and all and he would prove it if she would just give him the chance.
“I’m so proud of you,
Faith,” he whispered. “I’ve never known anyone who has changed their life as
much as you have.”
“Thank you. It means a lot
coming from you.”
He wasn’t sure of how long
they stood there holding each other. Neither of them seemed to want to move
from the comfort of each other’s arms. He captured every nuance of the moment
in his heart to be able to reflect on it later because he was afraid he would
never hold her again.
~~~~~~~~
The sound of arguing pulled
Spike from the harshness of his dreams. It took him a second to orient himself
as to where he was and why. The frightened tone of Buffy’s voice brought it all
flooding back to him. Raven, the night, the rush of
overwhelming emotions and Buffy’s words that only reinforced his decision to
return home. If things rested on his choices then the only one that was
possible was to be beside his family.
Spike rushed into the clinic
as Raven screeched something about leaving. The two women didn’t even notice
him as he hurried to their side.
“What’s going on?” Spike
asked, turning from one to the other. He ran a hand through his sleep tousled
curls trying to force his brain into alertness.
“Raven’s determined to leave
home,” Buffy said.
“I don’t belong here,” Raven
said. “Can’t you understand that?”
Both of his girls were on
the edge of hysteria. It flowed between them like a rampant river that was
about to burst through the weakening damn. There wasn’t time for him to
hesitate. He reached over to take Buffy’s hand.
“Baby, go get some fresh
air,” he said, tugging her up. She followed his direction. Her eyes were wild
in the sleepiness of her worried face. He kissed her quickly. “Let me talk to
her.”
He was ready to take back
control as head of the family. Buffy nodded, hurrying toward the door. Things
weren’t this out of sync before he left home. Their idea for him to leave
hadn’t been the best thing in his mind. They were all falling apart. He was
determined to see them through. Make things right again.
“You’re not going to talk me
into staying,” Raven declared, glaring at him in determined defiance.
“You’re an adult,” Spike
said, sitting in the chair vacated by Buffy. “I can’t force you to do anything.
I think it’s the wrong decision though.”
“Why? Because it messes with
your idea of who I’m supposed to be.”
“No, because you don’t run
from your mistakes,” Spike said. “You need to stay here and face things.”
“Oh, you’re the fine one to
talk. Mr. I have to sniff everyone’s butts and hey, if they don’t smell better
than my wife’s I’ll go back home.”
Somehow he had to maintain
control over his turbulent emotions. Spike threw his head back, taking a deep
calming breath as he tried to wrestle away the anger brought on by her
accusatory words. It was the truth though and he couldn’t argue with her there.
He knew she was looking for what would hurt him the most, to try and divert the
conversation away from herself. It was hard though. The man he was years ago
would have accepted the bait. The man he was now was still struggling but
trying was so bloody hard.
“I’ve made mistakes,” Spike
finally stated, returning his gaze to his daughter. “I’ve paid for them. And
most of all I’ve faced up to them. No matter what you think or feel I don’t
want Dylan. Buffy is my wife and I love her above everyone else.”
“Aren’t you just Mr.
Perfect?”
“Damn it, Raven,” Spike yelled,
standing up so fast that it sent the chair flying backwards. “This is about
you, not me; you’re the one who fucked up.”
“Yeah, almost being raped
was my fault, asshole,” Raven screamed. She crawled off the bed, wrapping the
sheet around her. She was crying. “Thanks a lot for the support, Daddy.”
“No, that wasn’t your
fault,” Spike whispered. He reached for her but she backed away. “I’m sorry, so
sorry about what happened. I heard you crying for me and I tried…I tried so
hard to get to you before you were hurt. I’ll never forget what that bastard
did and he’ll pay…”
“Shut up. I don’t want to
hear about your fucking guilt because you failed again. You’re always messing
up, Spike. This whole family is going down the drain because of you.”
Spike slapped her. The crack
from his hand against her face bounced off the walls, echoing in his head. All
he could hear was the voices of his past tearing him to pieces. His own daughter, he told himself, hates you and she has every right to. Tears blinded him as he tried to find solid
ground in the tidal wave of pain she gave him. When would it end? When would
his life ever matter? They stared at each other in mutual shock at where they
had ended up. A gulf developing between them that Spike feared could never be
breeched.
“It’s not his fault, Raven,”
Connor’s voice interrupted them. The door shut behind him. “He’s right. You
made the mistakes and you want to lay the blame on everyone else.”
“Get out,” Raven screeched.
“I never want to see you again. Get out.”
“Spike, I know you have
every reason to hate me, right now,” Connor said, laying a hand on the
vampire’s shoulder. “But please let me talk to her.”
If anyone could reach her,
maybe it was the man who had sent her on the downward spiral to begin with. Spike
knew he couldn’t do it no matter how much he loved her. She knew every raw spot
in his soul and was all too willing to scratch each one. He reached out for her
but she avoided him again. It was too late for them.
“I love you, Raven,” Spike
said, then turned and walked away.
~~~~~~~~
“I told you to get away from
me,” Raven shouted, her body trembling from the force of her emotions.
From the first word from
Elijah that she was in trouble, Connor had been in motion from the phone call
to Cordelia, the trip to Los Angeles with Elijah, a hurried conversation with
his father at dawn, then the ride here. His whole relationship with Raven was
not what he wanted or planned. Once he would have been willing to take what he
could get from her. He would have made love to her a long time ago, but he
wanted more than sex. He wanted Raven to be beside him forever and if it meant
waiting for her to finish growing up, he was willing to do it. She wanted everything
now though.
“It’s too late for that,”
Connor replied, sitting on one of the beds. Patience was something he did have.
That and the ability to turn his emotions off when he needed to focus on something.
“I told you I loved you. It hasn’t changed and I’m going to be the one to see
you through this.”
“Go to hell.”
“Would it be too cliché for
me to say that I’ve already been there?”
“Son of a bitch,” Raven swore.
He watched as she picked up the phone and called Rona to bring her clothes.
“Yeah, I’m getting out of here. Anywhere as long as it’s not here,” she said
into the receiver. She glanced at him
then took a seat on a chair, facing away from him. “I’m not going to talk to
you.”
“You don’t need to,” Connor
said. “I’ll wait ‘til you’re ready.”
“Ever.”
He shrugged. “Then we’ll do
this in total silence.”
“Leave me alone.”
“No, I won’t. If you won’t
go with me voluntarily then I’ll follow you. There’s no place you can go that I
won’t be able to find you. You know that as well as I do.”
“Where do you want to take
me?” Raven asked and he almost smiled. It was all he needed to know that all
that anger was bravado. Inside she still needed him. This time he would be
there for her. Not on her terms or his. They would find the compromise they
needed.
“Essie’s ranch,” Connor
said. He held his hand up when she opened her mouth. “Not for you to talk to
her in anyway. There’s a cabin she said we can use. Just you and me. A place to
unwind, and for us to talk things out. Figure out where we’re going to go from
here.”
“You already talked to her?”
Connor stood. He brushed
back Raven’s hair with his fingertips. “Yeah, I did. She said it was cool. You
going to go?”
“I…I’m all fucked up,” Raven
whispered.
“For now, not always.”
She nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go.”
She leaned forward and he took her against him. Protecting what was his was his
first priority. Raven needed the time to recuperate from her emotional wounds
before she faced the others. Before she could make amends. Everything had its
own timing. And this was theirs.
~~~~~~~~
Some old saying kept
replaying in Spike’s mind. Something about changing the things you could and
knowing what to leave alone. He needed to learn the difference because knowing
the right thing to do was confusing the hell out of him. Following his
instincts, he moved through the Hyperion looking for Buffy. It was only with
her that he could find some peace. He sighed when he spotted her in the
courtyard. Sitting on a bench, her eyes closed and her face turned to the
morning sun. His angel warming herself, but as soon as he stepped outside she
turned to him. He rushed to her and she hugged him close.
“I fucked up, Buffy,” Spike
said. “I only made her angrier.”
“You tried,” she said,
running her hands along his back. “It’s all either of us can do. She’s grown up
and has moved beyond us. If anyone can reach her, it’ll be him.”
“I don’t think I’m ready to
let go.
”Neither am I,” Buffy said, kissing his neck. “It’s hard but we have to.”
“Is she going to come back?”
“I don’t know, Spike, I just
don’t know.”
Spike moved back so that he
could look into her eyes.
“Can I come back home,
Buffy?”
“Yeah, you can,” she
replied, kissing him.
Pulling her onto his lap, he
deepened the kiss. Loving her was the best thing to ever happen to him. He knew
it. And he would prove it to her, if she would let him.
to be continued…
