Chapter 39 – Walk That Line
Never believed in the
straight and narrow
Always took the rocky road
Spread my wings like a wayward sparrow
Where the wind blew I would go
Thought no one could ever tame me
And no chains could tie me down
But your love put my feet back on the ground
Martina McBride
I promise I will never let you get lost again.
If there was one thing in Raven’s life that she could count on was the promises made by her father and Connor. Both felt it was a sign of dishonor to break your word and would rather die than have the disgrace associated with their name. Of course there were always circumstances in which promises were broken despite the efforts to keep them. This time, though, Raven was clinging to the positive side of the promise made to her by Connor.
Somewhere out there Connor was watching her, protecting her, if she became hopelessly lost. Early that morning, blindfolded, she’d been led deep into the woods. Her other senses distorted by the lack of sight and her body deprived of sleep she couldn’t keep any sense of direction. She’d been tied to a tree, given a kiss and his promise, then left to find her way back to the cabin.
All it would take was a loud scream and he would be there. But she wasn’t ready to see the disappointment in his eyes at her lack of survival. He’d done it and he’d only been four when Holtz had tested him. So, why couldn’t she do it when she was eighteen?
Because you’re a spoiled little girl who has always had Daddy to bail your ass out of trouble, she muttered to herself as she took a deep, calming breath.
Never before in her existence as a Slayer had she’d been totally on her own. Spike said it was family and friends that kept Buffy alive for so long. They gave her a link to the world, and given her a reason to fight so hard. Giles said it made a Slayer weak to be so dependent. Apparently, Connor agreed with the Watcher because he was the one who had pushed for this exercise.
Getting loose from the ropes was easy. Her strength was enough to help cut through the expertly tied knots, and with a little pride she admitted that she’d been paying attention when Connor had shown her how to tie them. So, now she just had to remember the other things he’d told her to figure out how to get back to the cabin.
It just wasn’t that easy though. The woods seemed to stretch out forever in a sea of sameness. Tall trees, prickly bushes, crackling leaves were all Raven could see. She considered climbing a tree to see if she could recognize anything but she hadn’t climbed one since she was a kid in Lankasha. Looking around, she studied a tree with some decent looking branches. She was blessed with Slayer strength and flexibility so climbing a tree should be easy.
Fear at Connor laughing at her kept her on the ground. She knew it was ridiculous. It was such a girly thing to worry about, but she didn’t want him to see the side of her that wasn’t perfect.
You’re getting to be a real idiot, Raven told herself as she forced away her embarrassment away to grab the lower branches. He’s seen you in the worst possible moments of your life. Why let it bother you now?
It did though. She wanted to make Connor happy. She wanted to give him that sense of security that he so desperately needed. If she wasn’t perfect then how could she? Only by being the best could she gain the love she needed so badly from him.
Sounds a bit like a selfish deal you’ve got going there. Still wanting him to take care of you and love you even to the point of trying to be something you’re not, she argued with herself as she climbed the tree.
It wasn’t as hard as she first thought it would be. Her natural slayer abilities were there to guide her as she moved from one branch to the other. The sense of accomplishment filled her with pride as she ascended the tree. However, the further up she went the more the branches were spaced out. Finally there weren’t any within grabbing distance.
Using a hand on the trunk to steady herself, Raven slowly shifted to balancing on the balls of her feet on a branch that seemed sturdy enough to hold her weight. She glanced around but there was too much density for her to view anything that would help her gain direction. Above her, just out of arm’s length was another branch that seemed to stretch outwards without anything to block the scenery around it.
Okay, Rave, you can do this, she encouraged herself as she inched a little further out. Her hand slid away from the security of the trunk. Just hold steady, she whispered when she realized she resembled a circus performer on a tightrope. Everything is going to be just fine, were the words she used to give herself the courage to reach upwards and crouch down enough to her body the momentum it would need to leap. On the count of three…one, she stared at the target above her, two, she jumped without waiting for the final count, three, she yelped as she flew through the air.
With a triumphant grin, Raven swung on the branch for a moment before swinging her body to a sitting position on her perch. It felt wonderful to have done it totally without assistance or encouragement. She took a deep breath as she looked around at the landscape far below her. For the first time she noticed the beauty of the forest surrounding her. The peaceful aura filled her, reminding her of the home she’d left behind years ago. A lot had happened to her since those days, changing her into someone that scarcely resembled the girl she’d once been.
For a moment she just sat there letting the last few years flood her mind with memories. Then her childhood came back to her, bringing a broad grin to her countenance. The forest had been her home in Lankasha. Daily, she and Sean would run through the trees, swim in the lake, and ride horses through the mountains. It had been an almost idyllic way to grow up even with the harsh realities of life around them. The less-than-modern existence the Lankasha preferred to live. The elders said it kept them in closer contact with the magic of their ancestors.
The grin faded into tears as she remembered her parents trying to fit in but never really succeeding. Their home had been filled with magic and the learning of the old ways, things Raven realized she had let go of in order to be what she thought Buffy and Spike wanted her to be. She was trying to be a normal American teenage girl when she was anything but. She was Lankasha, a slayer, the girlfriend of the son of two vampires, and the adopted daughter of a slayer and vampire. Her brother was a strong empath with telekinetic abilities and her younger sister was just coming into her own in their extraordinary family. Almost everyone she was close to had some sort of ability outside the ‘normal’ human realm and they accepted it as who they were.
So, why did she fight it so much? Why had she let herself forget the strength of being special? Why did she try to deny that she had led an army to save the world?
You’ve never forgotten, Raven told herself letting her mind open that time that shaped who she was today. They were all there, the slayers that poured into their home to help fight the battle against the First. The ones that were killed before they could find them, their names diligently entered into Giles’ journals so they would always be remembered. Chloe; unable to withstand the First’s mind games hung herself in the upstairs bathroom, Rebecca; too young, too innocent to ever find the drive to fight died in one of the earlier battles, only a couple in the long list buried during that time.
It’s time to move on...
Easy enough to tell herself, but it was harder to actually put into practice. She shook her head and wiped away the tears. There was a new battle to fight and in order to win it she would have to face who she was and become stronger than ever. Raven shook her head to clear it of all thoughts. She breathed in the serenity of the forest around her letting it calm her spirit.
It was there. It had been all along. The mountainside she often gazed at from the back porch of the cabin. It was distinct. Near the top there was an open field upon which grew three threes in a small cluster. Raven smiled as she turned the other way. Cupping her hand to shield her eyes from the sun, she saw the stream that they fished from. She quickly scrambled down the tree to the ground, took a second to gain her bearings then took off.
There was no doubt this time. She allowed the child she’d once been, the Slayer that she was and the woman she wanted to be take control. Once she let go of the fear it didn’t take long before she broke through the clearing to home and like she knew he would, Connor was waiting for him. His grin showed how proud he was of her. She threw herself into his waiting arms.
“I found my way,” Raven whispered, right before she kissed him.
~~~~~
The nightlight was on, Candy was curled close against Journey, and the bedtime story had been read. There was only one more thing to do to complete the ritual to make the little girl feel secure enough to sleep. And all it took was Faith leaning over to kiss Joy’s cheek.
“Good night, little one,” Faith whispered, smoothing back the curls that fell over the girl’s face.
“Good night,” Journey said, slinging her arm over her dog and snuggling down into the bed. Before she closed her eyes, she gave a small wave to Max who was standing in the door waiting to see if he was needed.
He wasn’t. Faith had taken care of Journey while Max had been spending some more time with Elijah. They felt that the children needed a little more attention after what they’d been through in the tunnels. Faith didn’t mind. She needed the reassurance of knowing that Joy was dealing with it. If anyone knew about going to bed scared and alone it was Faith. Growing up with an alcoholic mother who would rather party than care for her child still haunted the slayer’s night.
“Everything okay?” Max asked when she hesitated at the door.
“Yeah, she’s fine,” Faith replied with a shake of her head. “It’s a wonder that kid doesn’t have nightmares all the time.”
“She’s resilient,” Max said, smiling. “And she knows that her parents will kick anyone’s ass who tries to hurt her.”
“This is true,” Faith giggled. It wasn’t something she didn’t do very often, but the image of Journey standing up to a demon with her family behind her ready to do battle was just too cute for words. “The girl is well protected.”
Sadness filled her again as another memory cut through her. A long night of listening to her mother and another one of her boyfriend’s fuck cut through the thin apartment walls. She’d hidden down in her bed until everything was quiet, but the nightmare hadn’t even started. It was after her mother passed out that she found out how alone she really was. The man slipped into her room, silencing her sobs while he forced her to touch him. No one knew and no one cared. It was always that way.
“Faith?” Max said, stroking her cheek with his thumb. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” she whispered, wishing desperately that she could be free to love this man. “I’m fine,” she reiterated, turning to head to her room. She was caught though by Max’s hand on her arm. It held her tight, but yet it was gentle. The silent tears became a sob as she allowed him to pull her against him.
There was safety in his arms and for a moment Faith allowed herself to be comforted by him. Closing her eyes, she allowed her senses to take him in; his warmth, his kindness, his scent, and his love for her. It ached through her, then remembering why she pushed him away. Their eyes clashed in a silent war of wills that he was determined to win.
“Why do you have to keep fighting me?” Max whispered right before his lips descended on hers.
Faith wanted to push him away. She knew she should. It was the right thing to do, but it was more than she’d ever had before and she wanted just a taste. His tongue seduced her mouth open then when she succumbed to him it was a sweet plundering. She whimpered, leaning closer until he was holding her up. Her fingers slid through the softness of his hair, bringing him closer to her mouth.
“I love you so much,” Max said, breaking contact with her lips to trail kisses along her jaw. “Let me love you…”
“No,” Faith said. “I can’t…oh, god I’m sorry.”
Reality crashed all around her bringing the end to her fantasies. This couldn’t be no matter how much she wanted it. No matter how much he wanted it. Faith turned and ran. It was what she was good at after all. She closed the bedroom door behind her with a firm push. No matter what she did or how hard she tried, she always hurt someone.
“Why?” She cried to no one. “This isn’t fair.”
“Now, now,” the Mayor said. “Didn’t I tell you before that no one is going to take care of you except for me?”
Faith jumped before turning around to face him. It appeared to be him. It sounded like him, but she knew it wasn’t.
“Get out.”
“Well, gosh,” he laughed. “I think, you know, a ‘hello’ or a ‘nice to see you’ might be a little more welcome.”
“You’re wasting your time,” Faith declared, crossing her arms. She knew the game the First played from when it had made its original appearances the year before. “I know who you are, what you are.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, taking a step closer to her but still keeping out of touching time. “Nobody's explained to you how this works, have they?” He shrugged and started to pace from her to the window and back. “You see... I am part of the First, as you kids call it, but I'm also me, Richard Wilkins III, late mayor and founder of Sunnydale. Here. I'll prove it to you. Ask me a question only I know the answer to. Something like...,” he laughed. “Where did I hide the moon pies in my office? Or... who was my favorite character in little women? Meg. I know. I know. Most people guess Beth, but Meg, she's such a proper young lady. Remember when Jo burned her hair?”
I know what you're doing, and it's not going to work,” Faith said, sitting on the bed and leaning back on the headboard. Her heart might be breaking, but she wasn’t going to give this evil being the satisfaction of playing his game. “But feel free to keep talking, 'cause, hell, I could listen to you yap all night.”
“Now, now, that’s no way for a young lady like yourself to talk,” the First said. “I’ve come to make you an offer and if you’re smart you’ll take it.”
“Not interested.”
“You really need to learn to respect your elders,” he laughed. “Now just listen. You said you could listen to my yap all night, remember?”
“Whatever,” Faith said, shrugging. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Now, that young man out there really does love you. He’s the kind of partner you need and if you’ll smart you’ll take him up on it. I can promise you safety for the both of you if you do.”
“I told you I’m not interested,” Faith mumbled, hating the part of her that wanted to at least hear him out. She turned her tear filled eyes to her hands that she was holding tightly in her lap.
“Oh, yes, you are,” the Mayor said. “Why should Buffy get to have the Cleaver existence and not you? It’s really not fair and I can give you what you want.”
It was tempting. He knew which buttons to push, but she wasn’t the girl she’d once been. This time she wouldn’t give in and disappoint herself but also the people around her that believed in her.
“I said get out,” Faith said, standing and straightening to her full height.
“All right, all right,” the Mayor said, holding his hands up. “I know when I’m not wanted, but the offer stands any time you want to take me up on it.”
With that proclamation he vanished. She sunk down onto the bed and gave in to the heartbreak that was taking her over. For the first time in forever she started to pray.
to be continued…
Author’s Note: I borrowed dialogue from the Season 7 episode entitled Touched in the scene between Faith and the Mayor. No infringements are intended.
Also, I would like to apologize for the delay in updates.
I’ve had some serious family issues to deal with in the past month, but I think
its behind me and things should get back to regular
updates again.
