Chapter 44 – All These
Things That I’ve Done
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
If you can hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection,
Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
The
Killers
Buffy clicked off her cell phone and tossed it onto the passenger seat. Her action was accentuated with a long sigh and without realizing it, she rubbed her fingers over her forehead in a gesture of frustration. Her life was complicated enough without having to deal with the evil of the world. But yet she had to. It was demanding her attention whether she wanted it to or not.
The shared nightmare brought on by the First was just detailed to her by Raven. Evil was giving its war cry as it advanced on what it perceived as their weak link. The Slayers, too young and too inexperienced, made easy targets for its malicious claws. Yet, she admitted to herself with a laugh that the First didn’t need to come to her or Spike because they were fucking things up very well without his help.
And all of it combined, the prophecy, the Slayers, Spike, Dylan, her children and her own fears were fighting for attention within her mind. She wanted to throw a tantrum and indulge in a huge bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It wouldn’t happen though. Any self-pity would have to wait as she did her duty once again.
Grateful that that long drive was over, Buffy pulled into a parking spot across from the Hyperion. It didn’t take her long to grab her overnight bag, lock up the minivan and dash across the street. As soon as she stepped onto the sidewalk leading into the hotel, an ominous feeling washed over her that made her gasp. It reminded her of waking up in her coffin on that night long ago. Dizzy with confusion, fear, and hopelessness she stopped while she tried to regain her equilibrium. Tears hovered on her lashes as she fought back the terror that was threatening to paralyze her. It took her a few minutes but finally she pushed it aside as she concentrated on the closest thing to heaven she’d found on earth; her children.
“The Slayers have been bad little girls,” Buffy muttered, staring up at the outside of the Hyperion. “They need to be taken to task for being so weak.”
The old building once cleared of evil spirits was once again crawling with a malevolence that made it shimmer against the night sky. She could swear she heard the First laughing at its easy conquest of the Slayers. It seemed that Raven’s nightmare was coming true after all. The hotel might not be filled with ubervamps, but it was bulging at the seams with something worse. An invitation by the girls to allow doubt and fear into their lives. It was all the First needed to invade their thoughts.
“Yeah, you may have won this battle, but I plan on winning this war,” Buffy stated out loud, knowing that he would be listening. She took a deep breath because it was time for the General to return. There was no room for her personal problems or desires. Tossing her head, she strode through the front doors and straight into the crowded lobby.
The girls were all gathered there along with their dorm leaders. Not stopping she continued toward Giles’s office where she could hear voices. They were all gathered there instead of doing anything so that the Slayers could regain their power. Angel stood to the side with a lost expression on his normally stoic face, Wesley and Giles were pouring over a text on the desk while Faith and Max waited patiently in chairs on the opposite side of it. Angel met her eyes; she gave him a quick reassuring smile then cleared her throat to gain everyone else’s attention.
“Buffy, thank god you’re here,” Giles exclaimed. “The girls
are all scared out of their minds. Never before have they been assaulted as a
collective whole.”
“They should be,” Buffy replied, looking around the room at
the others. “If the First isn’t stopped they could all be rendered useless in
any battle we need to wage. Have you figured anything out yet? What have you
told them so far?”
“We’re trying to decipher the meaning of the dream first,”
Wesley explained. “Circumstances dictate that we comprehend what we are dealing
with before we take any form of action.”
Buffy snorted. Maybe if they would just open their eyes instead of retreating to their musty books someone would realize what was happening under their very noses. Rolling her eyes, she didn’t say another word; instead she turned to head back into the lobby. She could feel and hear the others scurrying to follow her.
The Slayers were still mulling around, or talking while they
waited for someone else to handle their problem for them. Anything so they
could go back to sleep without fear. She stuck her fingers in her mouth and
gave a loud, long whistle. It had the proper effect. Everyone turned to look at
her.
“Okay, everybody,” Buffy commanded, climbing up on top of a
chair so she could see everyone. “From what I’ve been told, you’ve all had the
same dream, right?”
There were murmurs, nods and other signs of agreement in
response. There was fear in a lot of the girl’s eyes but there were a few that
were staring back at her in defiance. Buffy met their eyes then turned her eyes
outward to so no one would feel left out.
“I spoke to Raven on my trip down here,” Buffy continued. “Some of you may already know that she had the same dream as you and Faith. In it the ubervamps took over the hotel and turned all the Slayers. In her dream there were also some personal things concerning Connor and her father. So I’m going to assume that each of your dreams were also tailored to your own personal fears.” She paused, trying to decide how to tell them that what they most feared was already true. There didn’t seem to be any other way to say it except the direct way. “The first part of your dream has already come true. Not in exactly the same way, but metaphorically. I felt it when I got near the Hyperion. This place has already become a playground for the First because of your own doubts and fears. It’s what he feeds off of and you’re serving it to him on a silver platter.”
“What kind of bullshit is that?” Rona retorted, working her
way nearer to Buffy. “There isn’t any kind of evil in this place. You’re just
telling us that to try to make us behave the way you want.”
“Rona, I don’t believe Buffy would do that,” Giles responded, stepping forward. “This is far too important to being playing any kind of games.”
“Oh, come on,” Kennedy shouted. “Raven goes and gets into trouble so we all get punished. Now, you’re trying to scare us into being the good little Slayers you want us to be.”
“Thank you, Giles,” Buffy said, trying to let him know that she would handle this. It wouldn’t do for the Slayers to mistrust all of their authority figures. Besides she was used to taking the heat when it came to giving orders. “You have two choices, you can either think I’m trying to control you or you can believe me. The First will feed off your insecurities, and anger. It’s all he needs to get a foothold inside your mind. Once there he’ll play with you until he gets what he wants.”
There was rustled murmurings amongst the girls as they discussed what Buffy had told them. The room bristled with their energy as it surged over her Slayer soul. There was a negativity among them that was overpowering the positive. It wasn’t going to be easy to turn the negative tide back. They were young and memories of the last battle with the First was fading from their minds. The more recently recruited Slayers had no first hand knowledge of the First or of dealing with an apopclypse. Buffy just hoped that there would be time to get them back into line.
The sudden silence among the nearly two hundred young women snapped Buffy back to attention. They were parting to allow Rona and Kennedy through. Knowing there was going to be a confrontation, Buffy hopped off the chair to meet them on their level. She felt someone joining her and was relieved when she realized it was Faith. The two of them being in sync would help them maintain control.
“What have you decided?” Buffy said, folding her arms across her middle.
“Where is this evil if its here?” Rona demanded. “Why can’t we see it?”
“Because you’ve blinded yourself with arrogance that you know more than the people who are trying to protect and teach you,” Buffy replied. “And with the doubts you’re having about who you are and what you are born to do.”
“Buffy,” Molly said, quietly. She looked around for reassurance before continuing. “What if we’re not sure we want to be Slayers?”
“You’re a Slayer,” Faith said, stepping forward. “Nothing will change that…”
“Yeah, thanks to Miss Queen Bee deciding for all of us,” Kennedy threw in. “It’s not like we were asked before we got our powers.” She looked behind her for support which she seemed to be getting. “So, why do we have to do things your way?”
“Because she’s been through it,” Angel answered. “She’s done what needed to be done, made the sacrifices and is still standing here. If anyone can get you through what’s coming or what’s already here, it would be her.”
Pride filled Buffy at Angel’s support. Usually it was Spike who gave her that kind of reinforcement but he was still at home in Sunnydale. Her chin lifted a few degrees as she stared back at Rona.
“I can’t force you to fight,” Buffy said. “But if you walk away from what you are then it’s another step forward for not only the First but for all kinds of evil. Is that what you want?”
“I don’t want to die,” Amanda said, looking down at her feet. “I’m only seventeen.”
“I know. I said that once and I was only sixteen,” Buffy told the young woman softly. “I still don’t want to die, but the possibility is part of the calling.”
Amanda nodded, looking up briefly to meet Buffy’s eyes. It seemed that she understood what Buffy was trying to tell her. The few Slayers with confrontational personalities proved to be predictable with their reactions. She tensed as she waited for the next round of accusations. It was inevitable, but she wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen.
Rona raised her hand as if she were about to strike Buffy. Without thinking Buffy stepped back and raised her hands to defend herself when Faith jumped between her and Rona.
“Don’t…you’ll hurt the ba...,” Faith started but stopped in mid-word. A stunned look crossed her face; she turned to look back at Buffy who could only stand there with her hand on her abdomen, frozen in shock.
to be continued…
