Angel padded across his bedroom as he glanced out into the living room. Buffy in her cute little pajamas was curled up in his chair eating ice cream and reading a magazine. Spike was laying on the couch watching another of his insipid shows that were so important to him. It wasn’t that he minded them being happy. His love for both of them wanted that much for them. But why couldn’t they see how much he was hurting? And with a laugh he thought what difference did it make? He couldn’t be happy. Just one moment and everything would be gone that was important to them.

He dropped his towel on the floor as the evening unfolded in his mind. After the return from the bathroom at the Bronze, Buffy had started with the joke and Spike had played along. Then the hand holding had started and the flirting. The anger and hurt took root and grew as Buffy made it seem as if Spike was her boyfriend and Angel was just the tag along. Her friends that had once almost accepted him in that role were slowly succumbing to Spike being there. Him with his charm and zest for living were winning them over. And they wondered why Angel was even there. Buffy slept with Spike, Buffy fucked Spike, Buffy laughed with Spike, Buffy danced with Spike so why did she need the broody one?

His fears of losing her returned with the knowledge that it would be so easy for her to slip away. Now that she was back and being friends with them again. Her confidence was growing and she was easily slipping into womanhood. She didn’t need his protection anymore. She didn’t need his guidance anymore. What could he offer her? Not marriage, not his body, not his happiness, only his heart. And where did that stand against everything else?

And if she left she would take Spike with her. Why would he stay? Spike had won her heart. The heart that was supposed to be his was now shared with his Childe. Angel had no doubts that if she left him that Spike would follow without even a backwards glance. With her he would have laughter and love and friends, all the things that William had ever wanted but had never had. What could he offer Spike instead? Nothing.

He slipped on his trousers and a shirt. And he left it that way. It made him uncomfortable to be so casually attired. It made him look normal; like a million other men and he felt vulnerable. It was like he was letting his shields down. And for a moment he felt the blackness of his emotions sweep over him as he tried to take control again. His eyes opened and his gaze fell upon Spike who was looking back at him and he saw a flicker of fear in his eyes. Spike saw the truth in him; the ugliness that he tried to hide but could never quite succeed in doing. Unlike William, Liam hadn’t been a good man, Angelus had been evil incarnate and Angel was a confused, brooding, unhappy monster with a soul who sometimes still wanted to let the wickedness out so that he could be free again.

For a moment while brown eyes met blue Angel wanted to make those eyes cloud in pain. To bring forth blood to cover that alabaster skin and to make that throat naked in vulnerability to sing out to him as it lost it’s will to live. To have Spike writhing at his feet and begging for him to stop the torture while he got lost in the power of having such a beautiful creature at his mercy but he pushed it aside. Breaking contact with him Angel turned to walk toward the bed intent on losing himself in sleep but something stopped him. It was the knowledge that he would die for those two out there and that he would kill without second thought to keep them from harm even from his hand. Because he loved them even with all their faults and selfishness and spoiled rotten behavior and their laughter and worldly needs and their bodies and their beauty.

He belonged to them. They thought they belonged to him but it was really the other way around because they didn’t need him. Without him they would still have love and happiness and could be together. But he needed them. Without them he had nothing but more loneliness and frustration. He could have purpose in his life but no one close to him. There would be no one to keep him company or sleep with. There would no one for him to spoil just so he could watch the smiles that lit up their faces.

Angel decided to take a chance and be vulnerable and he turned around to return to the living room. Slowly he made his way in unsure of how to proceed or to ask for what he needed. He could have Buffy’s heart but not her body. Spike’s body was his but not his heart. In the end that was the deciding factor. A body to lose himself in and he stopped for a moment by Buffy, leaned down and kissed her gently before making his way to the couch. As Spike started to sit up to make room Angel told him to stay. With a silent wish that he wouldn’t reject this Angel slipped behind Spike and pulled him so that the blonde’s back was against him. He could feel the tension in his Childe before he slowly started to relax. Cuddling outside of bed had never been part of their relationship and Angel wasn’t sure which of them was more uncomfortable at his gesture. Angel let his hand softly caress the belly of his Childe as he tried to make them both more at ease like this.

Buffy glanced over at them with confusion in her eyes too. And Angel saw a questioning look pass between his companions before those hazel eyes turned to him.

“Did you all notice that Oz was totally into that Veruca chick?”

“Yeah, and Willow definitely noticed,” Spike said.

“Oz loves her. It will be all right.”

“Veruca wants him, too and that’s what’s dangerous.” Angel said.

“Do you think there’s going to be trouble?” Buffy asked with worry in her voice for her friend.

Angel wanted to reassure her but there had been too much going on between the wolf and the singer to have it casually pushed away. “I’m afraid so.” He told her as gently as possible but his attention returned to the vampire in his arms. Angel nuzzled his ear and whispered, “Do you want those kisses now?”

Spike stiffened for a moment then turned onto his back. Those eyes that reminded him of summer skies were clouded with confusion. Angel waited though until Spike gave a small nod before kissing him. As long as it was Spike that wanted the kisses then he wasn’t responsible for it. It was something that he was doing for his Childe not something that he wanted.

The kiss started off tender and gentle then moved to passionate but Angel didn’t want just sex. If he wanted to fuck then it wouldn’t have been a big deal to move them to this. Angel wanted comfort and a sense of belonging and love in the deed so he eased the kiss off some. Slowly he returned to the pleasure of that mouth. Dipping in and then easing back when Spike took it too far. Finally the blonde began to understand and allowed himself to be affectionately teased. Soon they became lost in tasting, smacking, sucking, frenching, teasing, and exploring. Their hands never moved from where they had settled on waists as they concentrated on each other’s mouths and lips and tongues.

Buffy said something further but she was ignored in this new discovery of the other and time began to slip away from them. Things between them were changing in that moment. The boundaries between them became weaker and their roles blurred in the surprising need they found in the other.

Spike pulled back for just a moment, “Let’s go to bed.”

And Angel nodded as they stood. He took Spike’s hand and led him toward the bedroom stopping only long enough to tell Buffy good-night. And as they left her there, Angel ignored her confusion and feelings of being left out because just for tonight he wanted to pretend that he could have a normal relationship. He wanted to pretend that he could be fully included into someone’s life. Tonight he wanted to pretend that Spike loved him.

And later as Angel thrust into his lover while looking down into Spike’s his eyes he could almost make himself pretend he saw the love he wanted looking back at him.

~~~~~~~~~

The last three days had been horrible for her friend and Buffy knew that all of Willow’s heart and dreams were being broken right now. She glanced up at the window of the room where Oz lived and prayed that maybe a miracle was happening and the couple would find their way back together. Watching Oz’s wolf side kill Veruca was one of the worst things she had ever had to witness and it wasn’t something that could just be forgotten by any of them.

The Slayer sat up as she spotted Oz coming out of the building carrying a bag and knew it was worse than she thought. He didn’t acknowledge her as he made his way toward his van and drove away. Standing Buffy started to go and find Willow when she came outside. The two friends looked at each other for a moment before Buffy rushed to her friend’s side and enveloped her in a hug as the red head wept.

“I know, I know,” Buffy cooed as her hand rubbed Willow’s back. “It’ll take a while but you’ll be able to breathe again.”

“What am I going to do, Buffy?”

She pushed Willow back a little and smiled gently at her. “Well, right now, we are going to go to your dorm room and pack you a bag and then you’re coming home with me.”

“I…I couldn’t do that.”

“Why not?” Buffy felt a moment of anger at her friend for once again downing her lifestyle but she decided to push through. There was no way Willow should be alone tonight. “Look, I know what you’re going through and you need to be around people. Maybe a night in the den of iniquity is just what you need. We’ll order pizza and eat ourselves silly. We can invite Xander and Anya over and just hang out. Watch some movies.” The whole time that she had been talking Buffy had been slowly leading them toward Willow’s dorm.

“Are you sure that it will be all right? I don’t really want to be alone but…”

“It’s fine. The guys will deal. Spike will eat the pizza and be an annoyance but it will help distract you. And just so you feel better you can sleep in my room and I’ll bunk with one of them tonight.” At least she hoped she could. Since the night they had gone to the Bronze she had slept alone in her room. Something was up and she wasn’t sure what it was. Spike still sought her out for some time alone with her but Angel was avoiding her. For some reason if Spike was in his bed she didn’t feel comfortable there anymore. But in the confusion of dealing with Oz and Veruca she hadn’t had the time to sort through their problems.

“Okay,” Willow consented.

Buffy tried to push aside her own problems and cheer Willow up as they got her stuff and went to find Xander. Somewhere though the uneasiness she felt about her situation still simmered pushing her mixed emotions into a state of confused anger that she could only hope wasn’t going to blow at the wrong time.

~~~~~~~~

The credits for the movie were slowly rolling across the screen as Xander forced himself to get up and take the movie out. Buffy shifted from where she was laying against Spike to sit up as Angel walked into the room. He had hidden himself in his room most of the evening refusing to try to socialize with anyone. Guilt ran through her as she looked up at him. Not that she had any reason to feel guilty, at least not for cuddling with her lover as they watched a movie but the look cast their way made them both uneasy.

“I’m going to go out and do patrol,” Angel announced in general before he headed towards the door.

“I’ll go with you,” Buffy said.

“I can handle it.”

“I know you can. It’s just…I want to go with you.” Buffy quickly stood and looked at her friends. She knew that Xander and Anya were getting ready to leave anyway but it was Willow she was worried about. “Will you be all right?”

Willow slowly turned toward Spike then nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

The Slayer quickly kissed her friend on the cheek. “Thank you.” She turned to Spike and told him to behave himself.

“Don’t worry. I don’t like sleeping on the floor. I’ll be good.”

They smiled at each other for a moment before Buffy turned to follow Angel who had already left. It took her a few minutes to catch up with him. He didn’t say anything as she joined him and she didn’t try to start a conversation. She didn’t know what to say and she didn’t want a fight just Angel so she left it alone.

For the next hour and a half the only words passed between the two were the words necessary to stay alive as they battled vampires and a couple of demons. It was finally on the way home that Buffy broke the silence between them.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Did you do something?”

She laid a hand on his arm to stop his movements. “Angel, please, I feel like you’re angry with me.”

He laughed down at her. “It only took you three days to notice that I might be upset. That I might be hurt or angry. Nice to know that you care.”

It always happened. His opinion mattered too much to her and his dressing down only made her cry.

“That’s it. Cry. Make it all about Buffy and how much she hurts and how much she needs Daddy to take care of her.”

“Stop it.”

“No, because for once it’s not about you and you don’t want to see. You just want someone to take care of you and spoil you because your father didn’t care enough to stick around. That’s all you want from me, isn’t it?”

“How can you say that to me? You know I love you.”

“But are you still in love with me?” Angel laughed again. “Or is it Spike that you love now? You keep secrets from me with him and you laugh with him and make cute little jokes about everything...”

“That’s not true. It’s not. I love you as much as ever.”

His arms encircled her arms as he hauled her closer to him. “Is that why you are always with him? Parade him around as your boyfriend in front of your friends.”

“You’re the one that closes off so don’t blame that on me.”

“I close off because I feel like I’m not wanted. It’s like the two of you don’t want to include me.”

“Is this about jealousy because if it is what about that little scene the other night on the couch? Did you think that wouldn’t hurt me? You never kiss me like that anymore.”

”Is that what you want? For me to kiss you and touch you.”

“Angel,” she sobbed louder as he picked her up and pushed her against the wall of a crypt. Automatically her legs wrapped around him and she could feel him getting hard against her. They stopped for one moment as they stared into each other’s eyes and they acknowledged the desire in them. “I want you,” she breathed as his mouth crushed hers.

Their passion denied for so long poured from them as they desperately kissed like they hadn’t in a long time. This wasn’t sweet or soft and giving. It was hard and selfish as their bodies pressed against the other. Angel broke from her mouth and pushed her further up the wall as his other hand pushed her shirt and bra away from her and he savagely attacked her breast. Buffy could feel the wetness that dripped between her legs as she responded to him. For a moment as his hand teased between her legs she didn’t care anymore of the consequences.

“Tell me that you want me,” he moaned as his fingers dipped and stroked her through her slacks. “Tell me to make love to you and I’ll give up everything for one moment with you.”

Her hands clutched at the wall as she felt an orgasm start to crash through her and reality hit in that moment and she pushed his hand away before it could crest.

“Oh my God, we can’t Angel, we can’t.” Buffy said as she moved away from him. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s why I don’t touch you anymore.” His voice was cold as he stared at her. “Every time I see you, or touch you or smell you or hear you with him it rips me apart. You may deny it but you love him and it hurts because I can’t ever have everything with you. I can’t have that with anyone. And in the end I am alone again.”

“You’re not alone. You have us.”

“Do I?”

She reached for him but he was already walking away from her. Slowly she followed him back to the mansion as his words and actions ran through her. She should never have come home. The two of them had at least been comfortable without her here. Now the very person that was supposed to offer them a chance to be together was tearing them even further apart.

~~~~~~~~

Buffy wasn’t sure what she would find when she got back to the mansion. It was on the walk home that she fully acknowledged that she had left Willow and Spike alone together. Even though she knew that he couldn’t hurt her friend physically, the psychological and verbal games that the vampire played could rip someone to the bone. And Willow was really vulnerable at the moment and wouldn’t stand a chance against his barbs.

So, when she walked into the living room and didn’t see them, momentary panic ran through as she began to look for them.

“Kitchen,” Angel said as he headed that way.

As they moved down the hallway they could hear the two of them laughing. Buffy shook her head at the concept and at the doorway peeked over Angel’s shoulder to find the two playing cards.

“Full house and I win again,” Spike crowned as he swept the plastic chips toward him.

“Are you cheating?”

“Me, of course not, I am the innocent man alive,” Spike joked then glanced up at the newcomers. “Come join me in kicking Red’s ass at poker. I tried to get her to play it strip but she wouldn’t go for it.”

Buffy hesitated but figured why not and moved in to the kitchen to join them.

“I’m going to go to bed,” Angel replied.

He started to turn around when Buffy’s hand caught his sleeve.

“Stay.” She stepped closer to him so that she could whisper to him. “I want you to be here and if you want to be included then you need to include yourself.”