It was that bloody fight we had that ruined everything. The words we couldn’t take back. I told her that she was too uptight, too goody goody for me and she told me that I would never change. I would always be the evil blood sucking monster that she first met. My world crashed and I didn’t care anymore about changing as she walked away from me.

Living’ my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel

Now I am with her. Harmony again. I laugh as she tries to light a cigarette. She’s trying to show me how bad she is. How much more suited to me then Buffy ever could be.

I ain’t seen the sun shine in 3 damn days

When Harmony is below me and I’m slowly pumping into her while she holds me, the woman has her uses but other times like now, I just have to get away. Go outside have a smoke, anything to get away from her endless chatter and plans for us.

Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me

It’s so easy to slip back into my old ways as the familiar burn at the back of my throat becomes my friend again. I guess Buffy was right and I don’t really deserve her. If I did I wouldn’t be here. Fucked up and getting ready to fuck someone other than her. But even as I down another glass of whiskey it’s only her on my mind. My good girl.

I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today

Her picture carried there in my wallet was always telling me how bad I was. How beneath her I was. It’s in a box somewhere in the hotel. Don’t know where and don’t care. God, I can’t even lie to myself. I know exactly where and I care so much it hurts. I try to make some extra money selling what I’ve been buying but as I’m passing the money over, all I can see are green eyes staring at me. The punch I take for reneging doesn’t hurt as much as her words did.

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can’t look at you while I’m lying next to her.

The guilt even eats away at me as Harmony tries to make me feel better. Her words of love, I wish I could want. She listens to me rant about Buffy and wraps her arms and legs around me. And for a little while I can forget. Just for a little while my world’s still okay.

~~~~~~~~~

I called you last night at the hotel

It took me all day to work up the nerve to call the bastard. I knew my words were harsh but for him to run off and not tell me where he is just isn’t right. So, I call him with Anya and Xander there. Never had a clue what he was up to.

Everyone knows but they won’t tell
But their half hearted smiles tell me
Somethin’ just ain’t right.

It’s not until after I hang up that I realize they knew. They knew he had gone back to her. Harmony. It takes one fight and he walks away from everything. From us. How shallow his feelings must be. If I hadn’t heard her in the background I might never have known.

I been waitin’ on you for a long time

It seems almost all my life that I have loved him, even that night in the alley when I was sixteen I wanted him when I barely knew what wanting someone was about. For five years he has been in my heart and what I crave at night. It’s not fair that it’s ending like this. After everything we have been through together. The world must have ended when I wasn’t looking because his promise turned out to be empty.

Fuelin’ up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain’t heard from you in 3 damn nights

I let them talk me into going to the Bronze with them after not hearing from him for three days and nights. They said a little bubbly and dancing would make me feel better. The drink I take but made them dance without me. It was when I went up for a refill that I see him. Riley. He smiles at me and I say why the hell not. No one else is waiting for me at home.

I put your picture away
I wonder where you been

When we come through the door I remember our picture by the couch and I rush to put it away before he sees. My eyes are momentarily mesmerized by how happy we were. Our arms wrapped around each other. My face still flushed from the kiss we had just shared. Quickly I put it away because Riley is waiting but my mind is still on whether Spike is with her tonight.

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been

Riley is so familiar. His touch the same. I try to lose myself in his body but it’s not Spike’s body. It’s not cool and smooth against my skin. I tell him to stop. Just to please stop.

I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

Riley tries to soothe me, to take away my hurt but he won’t move off of me. Finally I push him away before it’s too late. He’s talking to me but all I can remember is the way Spike kisses me. The way he holds me. I tell Riley to leave. That it was all a mistake because I’ll never belong to anyone else but Spike.

I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

He comes over, so smug and arrogant, to tell me that he knows about my venture with Riley. Asks if I am ready to apologize but my pride is on the line and I tell him that I know about Harmony just to even the score.

~~~~~~~~~

It was the same ole same ‘how have you been’

She knows my dirty little secrets that burn through me like a fire of guilt. I try to lie and tell her it was nothing but a friendly run in with Harmony but it didn’t work. She knows.

~~~~~~~~~

Since you been gone my worlds been dark & gray

We talk but its not doing any good. There is too much pride in our way. He keeps on lying and I keep denying that I need him. Finally it becomes obvious that we aren’t going to give in to what our hearts want.
~~~~~~~~~
You reminded me of brighter days
Oh, God, just being around her. Everything that is her is calling out to me but this time I can’t give in. Even when my mind is screaming to pull her close, fall to my knees and promise her anything so we could be the way we were. When we were happy and laughing, playing together, our dates at the Bronze, making love till dawn. Why can’t I just give in to us?

~~~~~~~~~
I hoped you were comin’ home to stay
I was headed off to church

As he tells me that he is leaving, he hesitates giving me one last chance to ask him to stay. I just can’t do it. My heart breaks as he walks away. It just hurts so much to be separated from him but how can I forgive what he has done? How can I forgive myself for what I almost did? I sit in this pew and beg for Him to tell me what to do because all I want is to hold Spike in my arms again.

~~~~~~~~~

I was off to drink you away

To walk away from Buffy again is just about tearing me apart. I could see it in her eyes. That she wanted me to stay. Why couldn’t I just say I forgave her? My sin was greater than she could ever dream about. Now, I sit at this bar slowly drowning my sorrow knowing I can’t go back to Harm not ever again. Being alone, hoping for salvation one day, is all I can do.

I thought about you for a long time

I spend my days being alone. Still drinking but Harmony is long gone and no more coke to fuck with my head anymore. Trying to get things right. I knew when she was standing there outside my door and I waited, hoping that she would get the courage up to knock but she slipped back into the night. Oh, Buffy, what is it going to take for us to be where we belong?

~~~~~~~~~

Can’t seem to get you off my mind

No matter how much time passes I can’t lose the memories of Spike. He is the one I am meant to be with but I am a coward. Too scared to knock on his door and say I’m sorry. I scurry away like a frightened teenager with her first crush. He haunts me, no matter what I do or where I go, he is always with me.

I can’t understand why we’re living life this way

It seems more ludicrous as each day passes that we are apart. Spike and I are a matched set, only complete when we are together. To live like this isn’t even living. Somehow we have to find a way to let the past go and build a future.

I found your picture today

It’s been in the drawer since that night with Riley. It seems forever without you here. The tears come so hard and I know my pride is gone.

~~~~~~~~~~

I swear I’ll change my ways

It doesn’t matter anymore. All I need is to be with Buffy, without her I am nothing. I’ll do what it takes to get her back even if it means getting on my knees and begging for her to give me another chance.

~~~~~~~~~~

I just called to say I want you to come back home

I did it. I called him and now he is here. He’s sitting in his car, watching me as I get closer. I slip into the passenger side so we can talk alone because there are too many ears in the house. But it’s harder than I thought. The apologies are too stilted and the confessions too vague. We want different things. I want the friendship and the honesty. He just wants me and the good times. And I slip away as he leaves me again with tires squealing loud in the silence of the night.

~~~~~~~~~

I found your picture today.

I should have known better. Buffy is the most stubborn female I have ever known. I look at her smiling face in the picture and ache so bad. She wants all flowers and romance; I love you’s and sunshine. Like I can give her that. I’m supposed to be evil, a vampire, a creature of the night and she wants me to be the boy next door. Like that is bloody going to happen. Thank God the liquor doesn’t care who you are, it will warm you anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~

I swear I’ll change my ways

All I can do is cry. It was my fault. I know it was. He wasn’t ready for the whole romance, boyfriend package. I was just so ready to declare him as mine for the whole world to see that I got ahead of myself. I got ahead of us. If only I could take back that whole conversation in the car and start all over.

I just called to say I want you to come back home

For some reason he is ready to listen to me again. I told him that I would wait for him on the back porch. He is so beautiful as he approaches. His eyes are soft and his skin so alabaster in the moonlight. Then I take a deep breath and tell him, “I don’t care what the terms are. I want you back home.”

He is silent for so long that I am afraid that it was of no use and I start to cry again. How can one person have so many tears to shed?

~~~~~~~~~

I just called to say, I love you, come back home

Her words flabbergasted me. That she is willing to try to change for me. That she loves me that much to take me back the way that I said I wanted things. Her tears rip through my heart and I go to her. Put my arms around her and then I meet her halfway, “I love you, Buffy. Can I come back home?”