Chapter 23 – Letting it Go
Buffy was watching William cook while she munched on the vegetables he’d just chopped. Just as she was reaching for another carrot, he swatted her hand away so that he could scoop them up and toss them into the wok. The mixture sizzled as the carrots, broccoli and sugar snap peas hit the heat. After giving them a quick stir, William reached past Buffy, who was sitting on the counter next to him to grab the soy sauce. She leaned forward, planting a kiss on his cheek as he passed by her.
“It smells wonderful,” Buffy said, inhaling deep. “And I’m starving.”
“Hope you’re taking notes so you can cook once in a while.” William glanced up with a smile, before returning his attention to their dinner.
“Nope, not me. I don’t cook, remember?” She took a sip of her wine, batting her eyes at him over the rim. “I do other things to keep you happy.”
William laughed. “I love those things you do, and that’s why we’re eating dinner at ten o’clock at night.”
“Don’t complain. You’re the one who worked up my appetite.”
“We could have ordered pizza and just stayed in bed.”
“We need veggies to keep up our strength.” Buffy nodded to emphasize her point. The whole day had been good, and last night, too. The moment they’d left the party, they’d started in on expressing their physical love. She’d gone down on him in the car after parking in the garage. Then they’d made love on the couch before going upstairs to bed to fall asleep in each other’s arms. The whole day had been spent just being together, either watching movies, making love, or sleeping.
She couldn’t complain because her husband was giving her all the attention that she could want. It was just that she wanted to talk about meeting Jonathan Burke, and his partner who’d been one of Drusilla’s lovers to see if she could get another clue to the whole mystery. She knew that William would refuse to say anything and tell her to drop the subject. That his life with Dru was in the past. Sighing, she drained her glass, before hopping off the counter to get the bottle out of the refrigerator.
“Do you want more?” She asked, waving the bottle. The rapid motion made her dizzy so that she stumbled a bit. It wasn’t her first glass, or even the first bottle. They’d started the day with mimosas and throughout the course of the day, she’d continued with several glasses of wine. William stiffened when she righted herself and giggled. Then he shook his head before turning his attention back to the food. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, pet.” William refused to look at her though, and she moved to lean against the counter so he couldn’t avoid her.
“I asked what’s wrong. Is it bothering you that I’m drinking?”
He shrugged. “It’s your choice.”
Buffy put the bottle of wine away, and grabbed water instead. She returned to her seat next to him. “Will, talk to me. I don’t want you to be upset with me.”
Cupping her cheek, he kissed her softly. “It’s nothing.” He sighed. “I…”
“Did she drink too much?”
It didn’t take much for Buffy to figure that it had to be Drusilla again. An interfering ghost in their marriage, casting a pall over everything they did. Buffy always had to hold herself above reproach or risk being compared to a woman who’d invented the word decadence. And she hoped by asking a question she already knew the answer to, that maybe William would open up to her.
“There wasn’t much she didn’t do,” William said. He was drifting away into the past. “Booze, coke, pot, and sex. It was all about feeling good.”
“I’m not her.”
“I know.” He sighed, and pulled the pot of rice off the burner. He fluffed it with a fork before answering. “In the beginning it seemed it was just for fun, and then as time went on it became apparent that she couldn’t control herself. Or didn’t want to.” He dumped the rice into a bowl, and reached for the already cooked chicken to add to the vegetables. “If she wasn’t happy, or things were boring, then it was time to reach for a pill, a bottle, or a bag.” He snorted. “Or the nearest good looking man.”
Buffy pulled him to her, placing him between her legs so that she could wrap them around him. “I don’t drink because you bore me.” She giggled, rubbing her nose against his. “The last thing you do is bore me. I asked you not to do coke anymore, and if you don’t want me to drink then I won’t.”
Not moving from the security of her embrace, Will turned just a bit so he could stir their dinner. “I feel like a hypocrite asking you not to drink anymore.”
“You’re not.” Buffy held up her right hand. “I, Buffy, hereby solemnly swear not to drink anymore…well, not as much as I have been.” She laughed, kissing his shoulder. “I like champagne.”
Will turned the stove off, and pushed the pan to the other side of the cook top. Returning to her, he wrapped his arms around her waist. “I love you, Buffy. It’s okay. I trust you.”
Taking a deep breath, she cupped his face. It was now or never to voice her concerns. “I know you do, but until you completely let go of her then everything I do is going to be judged by her standards.”
“Bullshit,” William said. “I have let go of her…she’s fucking gone so how couldn’t I?”
“Then why haven’t you gotten rid of her things?”
“Because it didn’t seem that bloody important. Things have been a bit busy if you recall or I’ve been spending time with you.”
Will yanked away from her, and occupied himself with the final dinner preparations. Buffy waited while he dumped the chicken and vegetable mixture onto a platter, grabbed the rice bowl and stomped off for the dining room. He slammed them both on the table, and then to spite her, he poured himself a glass of whiskey. She rolled her eyes and slid to the floor before picking up plates and utensils for them.
“I’m not angry about it, William.” She put a plate down in front of him, before taking a seat across from him. She sighed. This conversation was a potential minefield, but she was determined to continue since the opportunity had opened. “You don’t usually want to talk about her, but no one else has that problem. Anyone that knew her has freely given me their opinion.”
“Fucking great,” he muttered, pushing his plate away. He drained his glass in one gulp, and then got up to get the bottle. Staring at her defiantly, he filled it to the brim this time.
Buffy ignored it. As her mother used to say, it was time to pick her battle. They could fight over the drinking or she could try to make a few points about Drusilla. Giving him a minute to regroup, she filled her plate and took a few bites.
“This is good. Thank you for cooking.”
“Glad I’m good for something, besides paying the bills.”
“That’s not fair,” Buffy said in a small voice. It was something he’d said the night before, and she wondered if that was something else that Drusilla had belittled him about. She leaned back in her chair to look at him. “You know I’m not here for the money. If it was then I’d sure as hell be spending a lot more than I am.”
Something broke in him, because his shoulders slumped as he put the glass down. He wiped his mouth before turning to gaze out the window. The lights of the city were bright in the night, blocking out the sky. It was an artificial world out there. It could suck the soul and life out of anyone that wasn’t careful. The tears were filling William’s eyes as he stared at something only he could see. It was painful to watch him, but Buffy refused to go to him. Finally, he spoke as he came to sit at the table again.
“I know you’re not. There are richer men than me, who could give you so much more than I ever could.”
“I want you.”
“Sometimes I don’t understand why you do, but I love you for trying.”
“I’m not trying.” Buffy said, leaning her chin on her entwined fingers. “I do, and I always will. Stop listening to her voice in your head, and listen to me for a change. I’m here…alive and loving you. I don’t need anyone or anything else to make me happy.”
“You should though.” He finally turned to his attention back to Buffy. “It’s not good to hang everything on one person. You love me, but you don’t know everything about me.” He blinked rapidly to keep the tears back. “Things I’ve done…the kind of man I really am.”
“Maybe the man you used to be?” Buffy prompted. “You don’t do them anymore, do you?”
William laughed. “Some things stain a man’s soul, and can never be erased. Things that haunt your dreams, and make you afraid to hope because you don’t deserve it.”
“I don’t pity you. You were there to save me when I needed it. You made me laugh, and you made me feel loved. I’ve seen who you really are, and I believe in you.”
“You’re so young, Luv.” His eyes closed as if he couldn’t bear to look at her anymore. “Time doesn’t erase everything…and it sure as hell doesn’t fix it either.”
“Tell me, William.” Buffy stood, circling the table to kneel beside him. She put her hands on his thigh and back, hoping that he would trust her enough to let her in. “Please…talk to me. Maybe if you let it out, it won’t be so bad. I promise I can handle it.”
Instead of turning to her, William jerked away. He stood, moving to look out the window with his hands shoved in his pockets. Buffy sighed. She fell back to sit on her bottom with her arms around her legs. Just when she thought she was making progress, it seemed she wasn’t. He wasn’t going to tell her anything. Again. The rejection tore through her, but she refused to cry. It wouldn’t work, and would probably only anger him.
“I’m going to bed.” Buffy said, pushing herself up. “I’ll clean this up in the morning.”
He didn’t say anything, and she shrugged to herself as she turned to leave. Pride was warring with the hurt, and unconsciously her chin went up. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time that she found some other things to occupy her time. Drusilla was winning. There was a part of her husband she would never have, and Buffy might as well face it. She’d gotten to the doorway when she heard William whisper something. Whirling around, she found him watching her.
“I slept with Xander…we weren’t alone, but he was there.” He never broke his eyes from hers, waiting to see if she would turn tail and run. “I’ve done more drugs than I can remember. “ He visibly swallowed; turning his eyes temporarily to the side before meeting Buffy’s again. “Buffy…oh, god, I wanted Drusilla dead…I loved her so much, but I was never enough for her…and I hated her for it.” His arms crossed over his middle as he sank to his knees. “The fucking bitch deserved it…she…” Whatever else he was going to say was lost in a sob.
Buffy ran to him, taking him in her arms as he buried his face in her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair as he cried through his guilt and pain. His words had only succeeded in making her more confused as to whether William was involved in Dru’s death. It also made her more determined to free him from Drusilla’s web.
“I’m here,” she cooed, rocking him. “I love you still…always will, baby. Never going to leave you alone…never.”
to be continued…
