Chapter 27
The dream and excitement for
a new start to his marriage propelled Spike to run up the stairs and into the
master bedroom. Making Buffy realize his
love for her was foremost on his mind, not allowing any room for doubt to enter
his mind. He just knew that this was
what the night. The moment their
relationship would become all he wanted.
From that first day he saw her, he knew she would belong to him in every
way possible. Now it would come to the
full realization without any more secrets between them. His love for her came
from a small corner of his soul that somehow had remained untainted by the way
he’d lived his life for more years than he could count.
Maybe, finally, Drusilla
would leave him alone. Stay out of his
dreams, and let the guilt he felt over her death dissipate. All he needed to do was trust that Buffy
would be able to handle the truth with her love for him still intact. A smile of anticipation teased at his lips as
he quickly moved through the bedroom and toward the bathroom in search of his
wife. The closed
door made him hesitate, but then he knocked softly on the door.
“Pet, okay for me to come
in?”
There was no response to his
query, but he could hear the slight sound of her rapid breathing. He reached for the knob, trying it, and with
relief found it unlocked. He pushed it
open, stopping when he saw Buffy sitting on the floor. She was leaning against the bathtub with her
legs crossed. On her lap was a book, but
she was ignoring it as she stared at some spot on the floor.
Something was horribly wrong, was all Spike could think as he rushed to kneel
in front of her. He cupped her face,
gently turning it so that he could look down into her eyes filled with tears.
There was confusion shining from them, but there seemed to be a trace of hope
and joy filtering through somehow.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, praying that somehow everything was
still going to be all right.
Buffy reached up to stroke his
cheek as a few tears slid down her cheeks.
“I love you, William. Please,
don’t hate me for it. All I wanted was
for us to be happy.”
Laughing with a trace of
fear, Spike kissed her forehead. “I know
you love me, Buffy. What could you have
done that would be so terrible?”
She reached down letting her
fingers trace the book she was holding.
Then biting her lower lip, she handed it to him. Seemingly unable to handle his reaction, she
turned her head so that she was facing the wall. Her arms wrapped around her knees in a
protective pose.
Spike’s heart was pounding
against his chest. He sat on the floor
before looking down at the book in his hands.
It took only a second for him to realize that it was a journal, and only
another moment for him to know that it belonged to his first wife. Buffy had not only read something that was
private, she had to have been snooping into Drusilla’s closet. He flipped through the pages, recognizing the
old-fashioned looping handwriting of Dru. A few words jumped out at him. Hurtful words only because he could hear her
voice, so girlish, yet so cruel when she spread her venom.
He carefully put the journal
down on the floor between them, before he looked up the woman who shared his
life. Once he believed she was innocent,
honest, and would only bring him happiness. Suddenly, she wasn’t. She betrayed him, going behind his back to
find out the secrets he’d been ready to share with her only a few moments
before. Now, his confidence in a new beginning for them was evaporating in
light of this new information.
“How long have you had this?”
“A few months.”
Buffy reached out her hand to
him, but Spike ignored it. Almost their
entire marriage she’d been lying to him.
Their whole marriage had been filled with lies. Just like his first one.
“I can’t do it again, Buffy.”
“I love you.”
“So did she…she said the same
thing,” he paused, swallowing back the pain.
“And she did. Maybe it was
twisted…not anything that anyone could understand, but she loved me.” He wrapped a lock of her hair around his
finger. “I thought you were
different…could trust you not to betray me.”
“I did it for us,” Buffy
protested. She shifted to her knees,
wrapping a hand around his wrist. “I
only wanted to know the truth of what happened to Drusilla. That maybe you wouldn’t be so unhappy if you
knew who killed her.”
“Did you ever think that
maybe I already knew?” Spike stood, arm
swinging wide as the anger finally reached beyond his pain. “Did you ever think that I don’t give a damn,
that I’m just glad the bitch is dead?”
He took a deep breath, throwing his head back as he tried to regain
control of his careening emotions.
He felt her hands on his legs
as she knelt before him. Buffy was
sobbing, leaning her forehead against his hip.
He didn’t let the wall slip. Drusilla used tears, sex or money to get
what she wanted. Buffy was turning out
to be the same. He stepped back, grabbed her wrists before shoving her
aside. She caught herself with her hands
before her head hit the edge of the tub.
Guilt darted through him, but it wasn’t enough to stop him. He needed to hurt her as much as he was
hurting.
“Have you ever considered
that I’m the one who did it?” He
squatted next to her so that he could whisper in her ear. “Luv, you better watch it, because you might
be next.”
~~~~~~~
“Fuck you,” Buffy screeched
at her retreating husband’s back. She
scrambled to her feet so that she could follow him. “I only lied because you wouldn’t talk to
me.” She caught up to him, grabbing his
arm to try to stop him. “You treat me
like I’m a little girl or some doll that you can take out and play with when it
suits you. You’re not the only one who
can’t take anymore.”
William swiftly turned,
grabbing her by the shoulders, and forcing her back against the wall so that
she couldn’t move. She wasn’t really
frightened. Unless he lost total
control, he wouldn’t hurt her. She
trusted…no, knew him that much. Just
like she knew he didn’t murder Drusilla.
He was too passionate of a man.
It was too easy for him to feel remorseful over a bad judgment call, much
less a murder. Yet somehow, he’d still loved
the treacherous bitch no matter what she’d done. Probably more than he loved Buffy. That was the one thought always echoing
through her head and heart even during the best times of their relationship. How could a small town girl compete with a
sophisticated beauty like Dru, no matter how evil she was?
“I’ve always admired the
woman you are,” Will said, and then chuckled. “No, make that the woman I thought you were.”
“Don’t do this, Will,
please. You know how much I love you
even if you’re denying it right now.
You’re scared,” Buffy whispered.
“I understand, but I’m not Drusilla.”
There was a flicker of
response in his eyes, but then he immediately shut down again. She wasn’t getting through to him. This night could break them apart for good if
she didn’t tread carefully, but she wasn’t ready to let him go. She forced herself to take a calming breath
as the heat of his anger fanned over her face.
She would find a way to hold onto, not only the man, but also his love.
“Maybe you don’t look like
her, but you’ve certainly been acting like the lying bitch. Going behind my back, snooping through things
that aren’t any of your business.”
“Don’t.” She spoke softly, holding his gaze without
fear. “Yes, I lied to you, but I did it
because I thought the truth would make things better. We’re married Will, anything that concerns
you, concerns me. Besides, I know that
you didn’t murder her. I can’t believe that you could be so heartless. Not the man I love.”
“Why Buffy? Why do you believe in me so much?” He let go of her to sit on the edge of the
bed. “Because you love me? Because you still believe in fairy tales and
all that happy ending bullshit?”
Buffy sat beside him, leaning
forward with her elbows on her knees so that she was staring at the floor. “I did once…it wasn’t so long ago. A man rescued me on the beach, fed me ice
cream and swept me off my feet with promises to worship me forever.”
“Didn’t take very long for
you to figure out that your prince was really a toad.” Will laughed scathingly as he shook his head.
“No.” Buffy took his hand, squeezing it
tightly. “Not a toad, but a man. Someone who is real, deep, and caring. I know that anyone who can make love to me so
tenderly couldn’t be so cold as to murder the woman he loved no matter what
she’d done.”
“I came up here to tell you
the truth. For me to come clean about
everything, and I was so excited. Maybe
it’s me that believes in those happy endings…I thought you were the answer to
all my dreams.”
“I can’t be everything. I’m just a girl.”
Will looked up at her with
such wonder that it made her insides flip-flop.
“No, you’re the one. The special
woman that only comes along once in a lifetime.” He sighed.
“Please tell me the truth…about what you read, or found out.”
How could she tell him
everything? About a baby he never knew
existed? Despite his outwardly apparent
hatred for his first wife, Buffy knew that a part of him still loved Drusilla
deeply. How could she hurt him even more
than he’d already been hurt? She sighed,
curling her hand around his as she tried to sort through everything that was
going on in her mind. Not only was there
the fight with her husband but also weighing on her was the possibility of her
own pregnancy.
“Only rumors,” she finally
whispered. “Maybe the truth…the
cheating. I didn’t read the whole
journal. Just bits and pieces, like the
nicknames she gave to her lovers. The
drug use, and how self absorbed she really was.
It made me ache for you…I can’t understand how she could do that to
someone she professed to love, her husband.
It’s crazy.”
“Her father spoiled her and
made her think the universe revolved around her and her wants.”
“Why did you have the journal
out tonight?”
Buffy smiled. “Because I was going to give it to you, and
confess what I’d done.”
Will leaned over to press his
forehead against hers. “Are you that
threatened?”
“Yes. She still has a hold on you. Through the memories you carry, from your
relationship with Xander and Cordelia.”
She hesitated for only a second.
“Because you refuse to get rid of her things. You’re holding on to her so tightly that
sometimes I feel her presence when you hold me or when we have sex.”
Suddenly standing, Will went
to stare out the sliding glass doors with his hands on his hips. He was angry, but for once, she wasn’t afraid
of it. She wasn’t ready to retreat to
get back on his good side and make him happy.
It was long past time for them to talk about this, and she was going to
see it through.
“I’m sorry.” Will turned to look back at Buffy. “I should never have pursued you. You deserve better than to feel second…,” he
laughed scathingly, “or even third.”
“Did you lie about you and
Xander?” She suddenly blurted out before she could change her mind. Had Will been having an affair the entire
time they’d been married? The guilt shadowing his face made her stomach drop.
He didn’t answer, but she persisted.
“That kiss earlier was more than one of mere friends.”
“No, not really,” Will said,
crossing his arms as he stared out over the city. “We’ve never…fucked each other, but when
there’s three people, there’s bound to be a lot…touching. Do you want details, Luv?”
“No,” Buffy answered. “Are you in love with him?”
“I’m in love with you.” He
chuckled. “I hate that fact right now,
but I do.”
Buffy went to him, wrapping
her arms around his middle. It took a
moment before he relaxed and put his hands on her arms. His fingers caressed her skin with soft
strokes. She kissed his shoulder as she
garnered the courage to ask the one question she needed to ask. Not that it would make a difference. She already knew the answer. She wanted to hear him say the words. No, she needed to hear him say it, so they
could move forward once and all.
“William, did you murder
Drusilla or know who did?”
Turning in her arms, he
pulled her tight against him. Kissing
her forehead first, his lips drifted down the side of her face until he nipped
at her earlobe. “Yes, Buffy.”
to be continued…
