Chapter 32 - Finding Home
It couldn’t be true. There was no way Cordelia would keep it a secret from him. They were partners in everything. She knew how he felt, so why would she hurt him by lying? Yet Buffy and Cordelia both spoke of a baby as if it was real. Like Drusilla was pregnant with Spike’s or his baby. Something the two men wanted, a family to take the place of the one lacking in their own childhoods.
The closing of the front door brought him from his hiding place in the hall bathroom. He needed to know, needed Cordelia to soothe away the slicing pain. Shaking, Xander somehow made his way to his wife. She was leaning on the bar with her head bowed. She didn’t acknowledge him.
“Cordy?”
“What Xander?”
With obvious exasperation, Cordy stood straight. She met his eyes with a coldness that sent a shiver down his spine. His wife wasn’t happy. She didn’t want to talk. He knew all the signals, but he needed to know the truth. He felt like he was going to throw up.
“Is, no, was Drusilla pregnant? Did you know?”
Cordelia answered him with a caustic laugh. “What difference does it make now? She’s dead. It’s dead.”
“Oh god, it’s true then?”
“Stop your sniveling. Did you really think it was your baby? Dru had no clue who the father was and could have cared less about the brat.”
“It could have been my child or…or Spike’s. The baby would have been wanted. We would have been a family.”
Rolling her eyes, Cordelia stepped closer to him. “The three of you? Oh, excuse me, the four of you. A little happy suburban family…two daddies and one mommy. You make me sick because none of you could have handled it. Drusilla hated the mere thought of being pregnant much less ever giving birth. Why the hell am I even married to you? If you could knock Spike up, you would…why don’t you go try?”
In a blind rage, Xander backhanded his wife. She flew back against the bar, her head snapping so the heavy cloud of hair covered her face. He grabbed her by it, pulling her toward him. She cried out in fear, but he ignored it as he shoved her to the floor.
All of his dreams were lost to him.
~~~~~~
The study door was shut.
A silent signal from Will that he needed privacy. Buffy pressed her ear to the door anyway, hoping somehow that her husband would know she was there and let her in. She could hear him talking to someone. There was only the sound of his voice so he must be on the phone.
Buffy sighed in frustration.
Why couldn’t he be available? She wanted to share the biggest thing to happen to their marriage, but once again, he wasn’t available. Crossing her arms, she headed for the terrace. Maybe a little fresh air would help her to find some patience. Will couldn’t help being busy, she told herself. It was a major production getting his book to the big screen. There was a lot of details to be worked out, decisions to be made and Will wanted to be involved as much as they would let him.
It was all for their future. At least Will had ambition, wanting more for both of them, which would only enable them to give more to their baby. Smiling, Buffy placed her hand on her belly. A little life was growing inside of her body. She just knew this was going to be what turned their lives around.
No longer would anyone else matter but their child and finally she would be a priority to her husband. Damn him and his pact. Never again would she have to fear losing her husband. She leaned against the ledge, watching the cars pass by below, allowing herself to dream of a house in a nice neighborhood. Some where her child would be safe to play outside in a big yard.
One day maybe there would be other babies for them. Buffy allowed the daydream to unwind with all the secret longings she held in her heart. The need for love and family leading the way to everything she hoped their future would hold. Cordelia’s threats faded away to a hazy place in the back of her mind.
“Hello Luv,” Will’s warm voice broke through her fantasizing even as his arms encircled her waist from behind. “Have you been home long?”
“Not too long,” Buffy said, totally content that he was holding her. She leaned back against him, petting his arms with slow strokes. “Everything okay with the movie?”
“Yeah, they’re working on getting the cast together and starting tentative scheduling for shooting.” Will kissed her neck. “Everything is fine. Did you get your errands all done?”
Buffy turned in his arms, smiling up at him. “Yep, do you want to know what I was doing?”
“Maybe you should just start at how much it cost me?”
“Um, lots and lots, or at least it will,” Buffy teased, unable to resist, she kissed the corner of his mouth. He didn’t turn away her invitation. Gathering her closer to him, he took possession of her mouth. She dug her fingers into his hair to pull him closer. Their tongues met, retreated and danced in a familiar way, which usually led to the bedroom or the closest surface, but this time she pulled away. She didn’t want to wait to tell him. “I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Word games? Now?” Will growled in a playful way. “I’ve missed you all day and I want to show you how much I love you.” He cupped her ass to pull her back to him.
“Yeah, yeah, I get the message,” Buffy said, with a giggle. “Let me whisper something in your ear and then I’m all yours.”
“Promise?”
“Spike!” Xander’s voice spilled out of the doors from inside the penthouse. “Spike, where are you?”
“Just great,” Buffy muttered, stepping away from Will’s arms. “Go see what he wants and get rid of him.”
“Buffy?” Will looked
down at her in surprise.
”I need to talk to you…now,” Buffy emphasized, hands on her hips. “You get rid of him or I’ll tell him myself.”
“Damn it, man, where the fuck are you?”
“We’re on the terrace,” Will called out before leaning down to kiss Buffy’s cheek. “I’ll get rid of him as soon as possible.”
Buffy rolled her eyes.
“I promise, pet.”
Buffy gasped when Xander stepped out onto the patio. There were scratch marks down his cheek, but it was his eyes that made her wary. They were wild, never focusing as he looked at her and then Will before looking down at the cement beneath his feet. His body shook while his hands were fisted at his sides. This wasn’t the Alexander Harris who was always on for the people around him.
Xander lifted his head to stare at Will. Tears were streaming down his face as he held his hand out to his friend. There was something horribly wrong and for the first time Buffy felt something akin to compassion for Xander.
“What’s wrong?” Will asked, hurrying to Xander’s side.
“She lied to me,” Xander said, sidestepping Will’s approach to come closer to Buffy. He pointed a finger at her. “If it wasn’t for you, this never would have happened. I told you to go away, but you wouldn’t.”
He towered over Buffy making her shrink back in fear. She hit the terrace wall behind her, grabbing the edge to steady herself. “Xander, I don’t know what happened, but maybe there’s something we can do to help,” Buffy said, in a low soothing voice. Alarms were going off in every part of her body despite whatever sympathy she felt for the man.
“There is nothing you could possible do to help me now,” Xander snarled. “Don’t you get it? It’s too fucking late.”
“Xander, pet,” Will said, pulling Xander by his arm to get him away from Buffy. “Come on; let’s talk…just you and me. We’ll fix it.”
“No,” Xander pushed Will away from him before turning to kick a chair. “There is no fixing it. Your bitch has ruined everything.”
Buffy edged down the wall until she could get behind Will. It was safer there, with her husband between her and Xander. She moved far enough to the side so she could still watch Xander.
“Don’t,” Will said, with a slight chuckle. “How could Buffy do anything?”
“She knew and she lied to both of us,” Xander said, choking on a sob. “It’s gone and we never even had a chance.”
A cold feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. Somehow Xander had found out something she hadn’t told Will. He was going to mess up everything just when happiness was finally so close. It wasn’t fair; she wanted to scream at both of them. She couldn’t lose. Not again.
“What’s gone?” Will asked.
“Xander,” Buffy said cautiously. “Let’s talk.”
“You can go to fucking hell,” Xander screamed, trying to reach around Will to Buffy. “I knew you were going to cause problems from the first day he brought you home. All so sweet and innocent and you’re nothing more than a lying, conniving gold digger who couldn’t stop until everything was destroyed.”
“Stop it, Xander,” Will demanded. “There is no way Buffy could do anything like that.”
“Oh please, she’s been sneaking around, digging into our past. She’s lied to you and to me about it.”
“I know,” Will said. “We talked about it last night. She came clean and promised to leave things alone. I forgave her.”
“She came clean…about everything?” Xander scoffed. He stared straight at Buffy. “So, she told you about the baby?”
Will froze while Buffy covered her mouth with her hand. She could feel her face draining of all color. She swayed on her feet while a hundred scenarios ran through her mind to explain how Xander had found about her pregnancy before Will did. None of them came out too well. The future was shattering into pieces.
“What baby?” Will furrowed his brows turning to look at Buffy with a puzzled expression. “Buffy, what is he talking about?”
“Will, I was trying to tell you…”
“Drusilla’s baby,” Xander said over Buffy’s feeble attempt at an explanation. “Drusilla was pregnant when she died. Your wife found out about it. She told you since she came clean, right?”
“Oh my god,” Will muttered. “How did you find out? Are you sure?”
Buffy hesitated, trying to come to grips with the truth Xander had just spilled.
“Bloody hell, tell me how?” Will shook Buffy by the shoulders.
“It was an accident,” Buffy cried, holding onto Will’s waist. “I was just trying to find out the truth of who murdered her and someone told me that it was discovered in the autopsy. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but…”
“But what…you lied to me again. What else haven’t you told me?”
“Please Will,” Buffy begged. “Give me a chance to explain. You promised we would talk.”
Xander would twist the truth to make Buffy look bad. She had to talk to her husband first. Tell him everything, including about their baby. Xander had to know about that since the only way he could have found out about Drusilla’s pregnancy was from Cordelia. Everything was unraveling.
“Why? So you can lie to me some more?”
“No, no I promise,” Buffy said, trying to keep Will’s attention on her, but he was looking at Xander who was now openly crying. “Will, please.”
“Leave him alone,” Xander demanded, trying to push Buffy away but Will was in the way. “It’s all gone…everything is gone and it’s your fault.”
“Shut up,” Buffy snapped. “Why don’t you just go home to your wife and leave us alone?”
“I can’t,” Xander said, stepping back. “She knew about the baby.”
“What? Cordy knew Dru was pregnant. Why didn’t she tell us?” Will ran his hands through his hair, ruffling it until it stood on end. “I don’t understand. Why?”
“Because Dru didn’t know who the baby belonged to,” Buffy said. “She was going to get rid of it.” All of a sudden she was tired of the lies, the games and the secrecy. “But she was murdered first.”
Xander reached for the wall of the terrace, bending over as he threw up, barely missing his feet. He was trembling as he wiped his mouth and tried to stand erect again. “It was our baby,” he whispered. “Mine and Spike’s,” he grinned. “It wouldn’t have mattered who actually fathered it. We would have been a family.”
“You’re sick,” Buffy hissed. “This whole sharing scenario is disgusting. That baby could have been fathered by a dozen different men.”
“Shut up,” Will roared, pulling at his hair. “It was our baby. No one bothered to tell me…her bloody husband. The bitch did it again and I’m glad she’s dead because if she was still alive, I’d kill her myself.”
“Don’t say that,” Xander pleaded. “Not with her being pregnant…if I’d only known, I would have stopped…” he stopped mid-sentence backing away from Spike with wide eyes.
“You would have stopped what? What the hell do you know?” Will said, grabbing Xander by his shirt and
pushing him against the cement wall.
”Tell me.”
“Dru was going to divorce you…I couldn’t let her ruin you with a messy divorce…Spike, there wasn’t any other way,” Xander pleaded, sniffling before wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “Cordy did it though, all the planning to make it happen. She didn’t tell me about the pregnancy.”
“You and Cordy had my wife killed?”
“It was the only way, but I didn’t know…I would never hurt our baby.”
Will swung, hitting Xander on the jaw and making him lose his balance. He stumbled, the wall keeping him from falling. He held onto the edge. He looked utterly defeated. A man who once held the world in his hands but found it was nothing but dirt after all. He rubbed his jaw.
“You took away the love of my life,” Will choked out. “How could you? I would have been a father.”
Buffy backed away, ready to run at the words that fell so easily from her husband’s mouth.
Finally, the truth was out in the open.
She was only a substitute, someone to take away Will’s loneliness and keep his bed warm. She glared at Xander, feeling the hatred return, stronger than anything she’d ever felt before. In Xander’s eyes, she saw her feelings mirrored for her.
“You would have cut me out of your life if that whore brought her bastard child to you?”
“She was my wife. I wanted our marriage to work.”
Xander laughed, but it wasn’t of humor. He was no longer sane.
“Oh god, Willie boy, I thought you and me were first in each other’s life. Guess I was the chump, huh?”
“You betrayed me,” Will said.
“And I killed my wife for you,” Xander said, making Will and Buffy freeze in disbelief. “She knew about our baby, but went ahead with the hit anyway. I thought it would be what you would want. She was the betrayer and I strangled her for that.” Xander stopped to regain his breath the heavy sobs were making hard. Tears fell from his chin as he trembled. “I watched the life leave her and I didn’t care…because of you.” His voice trailed away as he inhaled deeply, staring at his hands as if he didn’t recognize them.
“Xander,” Will stepped forward but Xander waved him away, backing away from the man to who he’d just confessed his deepest secrets.
“No, it’s over,” Xander said, looking up to meet her gaze. A half smile twisted his lips as he wiped a cheek dry. “Buffy you’ve won. I’ve got nothing left and now you have him to yourself. I hope you know what you’ve gotten into.
Before either could move, Xander jumped up to sit on the edge of the wall and then leaned back to fall to the earth. The only sound disturbing the bright afternoon was Spike screaming for his lost friend. It was over, Buffy thought as she reached for her husband as he scrambled toward the edge.
to be continued…
