Chapter 34 - Basement
All he could see
was a blackness that crept on forever, covering everything until vertigo sent
him spiraling downward to a tiny spot of red.
Spike screamed while clawing for sides that weren’t there, tears
blinding him until hands reached out for him.
Soothing him to a safe landing of a mother’s warmth and whispered words
of comfort. He reached out for the body
connected to the hands to find curving softness welcoming him home.
“It’s all right,
Will, I’m here…,” Buffy murmured in his ear as he burrowed close to her. She ran her hands down his back, over his
hips, upwards to his chest and then repeated the caresses.
“I love you,” he
said, kissing the side of her neck with a fevered determination to feel his
love returned. He shouldn’t have
worried. There was nothing but love in
her touch, just as it had been since the first night they met. Sighing, he forced his eyes open so he could
see the love in her eyes. It was there,
along with an exhaustion that wasn’t there earlier. As if she was weary deep down inside of her soul. He’d never seen her in this state. It scared him to the point where he forgot
his own fears. He kissed her forehead,
pulling her close to him so she could rest.
“Go back to sleep, Luv.”
“It’s okay. If you need me…,” she trailed off as she
studied his face with concern.
“No, I’m fine,”
he reassured her even as he pulled the covers over her, tucking her in so that
she was comfortable. “As long as you’re
here, I’m okay.”
“All right,”
Buffy said with a wan smile. Her eyes
fluttered closed, the dark eye lashes accentuating the black circles vibrant
against her pale skin.
Spike stayed,
watching as she fell back asleep. It
didn’t take long, but even in sleep she looked unhappy. Guilt ate at him. Buffy’s malcontent could only be the result
of his own self-absorption. He stared at
her for a long while, digging deep into his soul for answers he wasn’t sure he
wanted to face. He never had in the
past, but it was time. Everything he
once counted as his world was now gone.
The only thing he felt sure of was the woman lying next to him. But how long would she hold on to a man like
him?
Easing away from
Buffy, he slid from the bed to pad over to his jewelry box. He hesitated, unsure of what he was about to
do. He trembled, glancing back at his
wife, before he pulled the bottom drawer out.
The closet key
lay there shining from the terrace light like a beacon to his soul. A part of him had been lost earlier in the day. His past was truly gone with the death of
Xander. His best friend for most of his
life, his confidante, his lover in every way but the physical, and the only one
who knew the deep blackness of his soul.
Now Spike, alone, knew the secrets never told to anyone else.
He caressed the
key, feeling the coldness against his flesh, before picking it up. He forced himself to swallow back his
distaste for the task he was about to undertake. A man could only take so much before
breaking. He was at that point, with too
many people pulling at him, demanding his attention, and he couldn’t please all
of them. He’d failed to please any of
them. Just like Drusilla repeatedly told
him as she flaunted her love affairs before him. His failures led to the deaths of his
friends. Of that he was sure.
In the brief
time he’d been single, alone and fucking his way through
Buffy was the
only left who truly cared for him. She
was there. Had been there through every
stunt his friends had tried to drive her away.
She stayed when he was distant and cold.
If it was because of money and status maybe he could understand her
determination, but for love, that confounded him. For a moment, he stood over the bed, staring
down at the beauty that lay there.
Spike wondered
why she bothered, why she cared for him of all people. Buffy was a dream come true for a man such as
he. The money and fame didn’t seem as
important as holding on to this treasure that lay so innocently in slumber. Except he didn’t know how to even start.
The key burning
into his palm brought his gaze back to its luring call. Drusilla’s memory whispered to him. Not once in all the time since Buffy came
home with him had he looked at his first wife’s possessions. Instead, he pushed her presence aside, hoping
it would disappear just like her death.
This time he followed her call to the closet. Not even hesitating as he put the key in the
lock, Spike barreled into the small room, and then overcome by the sensual
scent she wore clinging to everything, he fell to his knees.
He could hear
her laughter surrounding him. All of his
attempts were for naught. The gossip
would only be worse after Xander and Cordelia’s death. He was a man marked for ruin. The transition to film would be put on
hold. Every thing he did would be under
a microscope that would leave nothing out of the public eye.
Covering his
ears with his hands, Spike fell to his knees as the ruination of his life
crumbled upon him. Some of her clothes
caught under his weight covered him as if Drusilla was trying to suffocate
him. He would never be free from her and
eventually he would lose his light.
Buffy was on the edge too and she would tire of his lack of control and
leave him.
There was no longer
any need for grandstanding to try to be the envy of everyone, no illusions of
being a good husband left for him to dream of, and there was no pretending he
wasn’t the nuisance his parents considered him.
He was nothing but William, afraid of himself and of the world. Overwhelmed by the breaking of his heart, he
curled into a ball on the closet floor, and waited for the rest of his life to
disappear.
~~~~~
The sunlight beaming through
the windows roused Buffy from slumber.
Heat lay heavy on her and she pushed the comforter away while she rolled
to a place still laying in shade. It was
cool there. She wondered if that’s why
Will preferred the shadows of his past to the fire of their love. Pushing her hair away from her face she felt
the heavy burden of her husband’s life dragging her into a place she never
thought she’d end up. Nor wanted
to.
Once, she’d promised for
better or worse, and now she wasn’t sure if she could keep that vow any longer. Her hand covered her belly as her priorities
became clear. The baby she carried had
to be first in her life. A smile crossed
her face as she thought of the future watching her baby grow up, but
immediately her smile turned to a frown as she wondered if Will would be with
them. The way it looked now, he would be
absent from their lives, missing the joys of fatherhood. She squeezed her eyes
shut as she fought back a wave of sorrow.
“Please God, help me to deal
with…everything,” Buffy prayed, reaching out despite her doubts. From where she was, it seemed to be only way
out of the mess of her life, was for a higher power to intervene. “Show me what to do about my baby and Will?”
A sense of comfort
encompassed her as she let go of some of the worries weighing so heavy on her
heart. She knew living with Will in his
current state of mind wasn’t healthy for any of them, but there was time to
give him to heal from the deaths of his friends. Maybe with a little time he would find his
way back to them. And if he didn’t, then
she would do what was best for her baby and leave.
Rolling over, she saw that
it was almost ten. The muted sounds of
voices and rattling dishes told her it was way past time for her to get
up. Buffy climbed out of the bed,
stretching her hands way over her head to wake her body up. A small groan escaped as she felt her back
crack in several places. It felt
good. She shook herself loose before
heading toward the bathroom.
The cracked door to
Drusilla’s closet made her stop in her tracks.
She remained still for a moment, waiting to see if any noise would give
her a clue as to why it wasn’t locked tight.
Nothing. Taking a deep breath,
she pushed it gently, peering cautiously into the brightly lit room. The dresses that once hung in rigid
categories were now in disarray. Some
were lying on the floor in a cloud of myriad cloud of colors and fabrics.
“What the…,” Buffy muttered,
stepping forward. She glanced around the
rest of the closet to see if there was anything else disturbed. Everything was in its place. She started to back out when she saw
him. William was leaning against the
back wall, hugging his knees with his eyes were closed. At first, she thought he was sleeping, but
then she heard him muttering.
“Oh god, Will,” Buffy said, rushing to his
side. She dropped to her knees, clasping
his face in her hands. “What
happened? Are you all right?” Her eyes roved over his body while her hands
fluttered along with them. There wasn’t
any sign of injury. “Will, answer me. What’s wrong?”
“I hurt the girl,” Will mumbled,
turning his head aside. “Disappointed
them all. Not a good man.”
“That’s not true.” Buffy caressed his face as tears filled her
eyes. “You’re a good man. Please…look at me. I need you.”
However, there wasn’t any
reply from the man she loved.
to be continued…
