Chapter 11 – Shadows and Light
Hospitals
had to be the worst places on earth. At least that was Buffy’s opinion. Nothing
good ever happened in them. Maybe except for the babies but that was
special.
Buffy sighed
and snuggled closer to Angel’s side. At least today she wasn’t alone while she
waited for her mother. Angel and Spike were with her. Along with Dawn who at
the moment was learning the finer points of poker from Spike. She smiled as her
sister raked the pile of pretzels in her direction. Spike must have let her win
a hand again. And a wink from dancing blue eyes over Dawn’s bowed head
confirmed it.
The day
seemed interminable. They had been there all day, waiting for one thing or
another. First the CAT scan that had given them the ‘shadow’ diagnosis, which
wasn’t a diagnosis at all. There was the wait for an operating room and now
they were waiting for the doctors to complete the biopsy. Then they’d know. They’d
know how sick her mother was.
Footsteps
on the linoleum made Buffy look to see who was there. She jumped up when she
saw it was Dr. Isaacs, her mother’s physician. His face wore its standard
expression, a combination of detachedness and impatience.
“Everything
went fine,” Dr. Isaacs said. “They’re moving her to recover now.”
Buffy stepped
closer to him, aware that as she moved, the others moved with her. Dawn was by
her side while Angel and Spike flanked them. She knew without looking that
Angel’s hand on her lower back was mirrored with Spike and Dawn. They weren’t
alone.
“Do you have
the results yet?” Buffy asked.
The doctor
hesitated for a moment and his hand swept toward the chairs. “Why don’t we sit
for a moment?” His gaze flickered to Dawn for a moment, asking if it was all
right to speak in front of her.
“No, I’m
not going anywhere,” Dawn declared, gripping Buffy’s hand. “She’s my mother,
too.”
“Its fine,
Dr. Isaacs,” Buffy answered. “Please just tell us, without us sitting down.
That’s all we’ve done today, from one waiting room to the next.”
Nodding,
the doctor shifted on his feet, “Your mother has …The term is ‘low grade
glioma. It’s a brain tumor.”
Stunned,
Buffy lost focus for a moment as the doctor droned on.
“The
clinical name’s Oligo…dendro…glioma. It’s in the left hemisphere of the
cerebrum. In your mother’s case, the tumor seems to have started there. In
other words it hasn’t spread there from other parts of the body…which in a way
is good news.”
Pay attention, you need to know this, Buffy thought as she felt herself
sway under the diagnosis. The hand on her back became an arm around her
shoulder and she leaned grateful into Angel’s body. She felt the pain in her
hand as Dawn gripped it even tighter. Her sister’s crying was muffled but Buffy
didn’t look, she knew Spike was taking care of her. For a moment she thought
she actually saw compassion on Dr. Isaacs’ face.
“I know
this is very difficult. And unfortunately, because of the nature of your
mother’s illness, things could progress very quickly.”
“Things?”
Buffy asked, snapping back to alertness. “What things?”
“Symptoms,”
Dr Isaacs said. “There is a fair variety that might present. Loss of vision or
appetite, lack of muscle control, mood swings, personality changes…”
“But what
can we do?”
“Not much
until we determine if the tumor’s operable, which we are working on right now.”
“Well,
there's some literature you might want to look at. If we aren't able to go in
surgically, there are a number of new treatments which are very promising. Your
mother's prognosis is a lot better today than it would have been only a year
ago. Even if the tumor's not operable, she has a real chance.”
Everyone
seemed to lean forward at his last words.
“What’s
a…real chance?” Buffy asked, not sure if she wanted to hear the results. It
could mean the difference between having her mother and losing her.
“One
in three patients with this condition does just fine,” Dr Isaacs said his
delivery was as if this was the best news in the world.
Buffy
tried to hold on as question after question was fired at her. Her fingers
rubbed at her forehead as she tried to figure things out and pay attention at
the same time. But it was too much she was hopelessly lost.
“Does
she have to answer these right now?” Angel asked.
“The
sooner we know the better,” Dr Isaacs said.
Someone
appeared behind the doctor, touching his shoulder. Buffy noted with relief it
was Ben from the last time she had been here.
“Doctor,
you’re needed in ICU,” Ben said. “They sent me to find you, something about
your beeper not working or something.”
“Oh,
thank you,” Dr. Isaacs said, looking at Ben then turning back to Buffy.
“Tomorrow morning then we’ll go through all the questions and schedule the
surgery. She’s going to be asleep for six or seven hours. There’s not a lot you
can do. Why don’t you go home and get some sleep yourself?”
“Hi,
Buffy,” Ben said, looking around at her entourage as Dr Isaacs walked away.
“You looked like you could use a break.”
“He
wasn’t needed in ICU?” Buffy asked confused.
She
could almost feel the air tense around her as her vampires stepped closer
toward her. They were both eyeing Ben with jealousy. If she wasn’t so upset
over her mother, she’d probably find it either amusing or be touched by their
feelings.
“I’m
sure he was needed somewhere,” Ben answered. “Guy’s great but he doesn’t have
that bone in his head, telling him when to back off.”
“Thank
you then,” Buffy said. She quickly introduced the resident to her mates and
sister. “He said there was nothing I can do.”
“He’s
right. Take his advice, go home, get some sleep and you’ll be able to see her
in the morning,” Ben said, looking up as a page sounded for him. “I need to go.
Good luck.”
Buffy
looked around, taking in Angel still holding her up, Spike with his arm around
Dawn’s shoulder and Dawn looking devastated. She wrapped her arms around her
sister.
“It’s
going to be okay,” Buffy said, hoping she was right. “We’ll know more in the
morning.”
“What
are we supposed to do until then?” Dawn asked. “I just want to see her.”
“I
do too but they said she’s asleep and will be for awhile. Let’s go and pick up
some stuff for you from the house,” Buffy said, walking down the hallway, her arm
around Dawn’s shoulder. “Then we’ll go pick up some junk food somewhere and you
can beat Spike at poker some more.”
“Bloody
likely,” Spike said. “I’m getting the pretzels this time.”
“Yeah,
right,” Dawn answered.
It
was going to be okay. It just had to be, didn’t it?
~~~~~~~~
“Are you a
back door girl?” Dawn asked, reaching for the corner of the sheet.
“Excuse
me?” Buffy asked, standing with her hands on her hips. She and her sister were
making up the bed in her room so Dawn would have a place to sleep. For the last
few minutes they had been quiet as they pulled and tucked the sheets. Her
question had come completely out of the blue throwing Buffy into a momentary
daze.
Dawn
straightened and managed somehow to make the asking of such a personal question
look like it was perfectly normal. “Janice said the only way that you could be
having sex with two guys at one time was for them to be…you know…”
Now, Dawn
got uncomfortable.
“It’s none
of your business,” Buffy said. “And you shouldn’t be talking about stuff like
that.”
“It’s sex,
not stuff,” Dawn declared, tossing her hair back and crossing her arms. “And
I’m not a kid.”
“Yes, you
are.”
“Liza at school
has had sex lots of times and she’s my age.”
Buffy
dragged the comforter over the bed while she tried to rein in her temper. Her
little sister was pushing all the buttons to not only make her uncomfortable
but to make her angry.
“You’re
still too young,” Buffy answered. She was proud of the calmness of her tone of
her voice. It was almost motherly. “And my sex life is not up for discussion at
all. Grab that end.”
After a
loud, dramatic sigh, Dawn pulled the comforter over her end of the bed. It was
then that Buffy realized what was really wrong with the teenager. She was
covering her hurt and confusion about their mother. She wasn’t going to push
her sister but she wanted her to know if she wanted to talk Buffy was there.
“Dawn, you
know if you want to talk, I’m here.”
“As long as
you approve of the subject,” Dawn said, slumping down on the bed. She flopped
back dramatically and stared up at the canopy. “It’s not fair. I’m not a kid.
I’m fourteen and that is not a child. You started slaying when you were only a
year older than me.”
Buffy sat
on the edge of the, leaning on one elbow so she could look at her sister. It
was an old argument that never came to a satisfactory conclusion. Buffy had
told her several times that she’d wish someone had let her remain a kid a
little longer. It was hard growing up because you could never go back.
“Why would
you want to hear the icky details about me having sex anyway?” Buffy teased,
changing the direction of their conversation hoping to avoid an argument. “Me naked, all hot and sweaty with…”
“No, no,
no,” Dawn squealed, grabbing a pillow and holding it over head. “I don’t want
to know, I don’t. That’s disgusting…”
Laughing,
Buffy started tickling her, until they were rolling around and playing. It was
a much needed release after the day they had. It was a duel to the end of the pillow. Dawn
was on her knees hitting Buffy over and over with it until it exploded. Amidst
a cloud of white feathers, the two sisters collapsed onto their backs in a
state of giggles.
“Oh God,
Dawn, you killed the goose,” Buffy said, batting the floating feathers away
from her face. “Angel is going to be so pissed.”
“You did
it. Challenging me like that. I told you I could fight.”
“I give,
okay, and so did the pillow.”
Contented for
the moment they lay next to each other and watched the feathers fall around
them. Buffy knew the moment Dawn’s mood shifted. A heavy cloud seemed to
descend above them chasing away the silliness of only a few moments before. She
waited for her sister to form the words to express what she was feeling. A hand
crept into hers as Dawn curled onto her side with her head in Buffy’s lap.
Buffy ran her fingers through the long, brown locks of Dawn’s hair.
“Buffy, is
Mom going to be okay?”
It was a
hard question because it was the same one that Buffy had. Mom was all they had
left. They hadn’t heard from their father in months and he wasn’t returning
their phone calls. The checks still popped up on schedule but after
investigation it was found that they were being sent by his accountant. The
last they had heard from Hank Summers was that he was taking a holiday in
“We won’t
know anything until after we talk to the doctor tomorrow,” Buffy said, trying
to be honest and upbeat at the same time. “She loves us and won’t leave us if
she has anything to say about it.”
Dawn
shifted onto her stomach, her face propped up on her hands so she could look at
Buffy. “If…if it something does…happen are you going to send me to Dad?” She
rolled her eyes. “That is if you can find him.”
“Not if you
don’t want to,” Buffy said, knowing that she should talk to Angel and Spike
before making promises. But Angel was big on family and Spike adored Dawn so
she didn’t think either of them would mind. She just prayed that it would never
come to that.
Dawn rolled
off the bed and brushed feathers off of her clothes.
“Is there
any ice cream?”
“Is my name
Buffy Summers?”
They took
off running toward the kitchen in a race to reach the treat first.
~~~~~~~~~
Someone
needed to be the first to say it. Spike knew if it was going to happen it would
have to be him. He hesitated because he didn’t want to jeopardize his own
relationship with his Sire. It was confusing. He just wished they could have
held onto to those few precious weeks when it seemed like everything was
perfect.
It never
was though.
“What’s
going on, William?”
“It’s
Buffy.”
Angel
stopped so suddenly that it took Spike a few strides to realize that Angel
still wasn’t next to him. He turned to find his Sire staring at the ground. For
a moment that face he loved was unguarded showing the tumultuous emotions Angel
was trying to conceal. It hurt just to see him and Spike wrapped his arms
around him. Angel and Buffy were both hurting so much but for some reason
neither of them could express it to the other. His Sire allowed him to comfort
him but he was soon pushed away.
“We need to
finish patrolling,” Angel said, continuing the trek through
“Bloody
hell, Ang, you can’t ignore her or this conversation,” Spike said, running to
catch up. He sighed when Angel pace quickened. “Do you still love her?”
“Why would
I have stopped?”
“For the
same reason you were such a prick the other night.”
“Watch it,”
Angel growled.
“No, I
won’t,” Spike said stopping. “I’m your mate now and you just can’t intimidate
me into shutting up.”
Angel
stopped, put his head back and appeared to be studying the night sky. Spike
waited for him, giving him the space to sort through whatever was bothering him.
The brunette’s head dropped to stare at the ground before he turned to look
back at him.
“I’m
sorry,” Angel said his voice husky with emotion. “You’re right. It’s hard and I
keep trying to make it go away. But it doesn’t and I end up hurting her.”
“Make what
go away?” Spike stepped closer to him. “You need to tell someone and since you
refuse to talk to her, talk to me.”
“I
shouldn’t feel like this,” Angel said, sitting on the nearest tombstone. His
hand pushed through his hair as he sighed.
“Bollocks,
Angel, this is ridiculous.”
Silence
followed Spike’s plea and he plopped down next to the object of his frustration.
Spike was considering putting him in a bubble bath and feeding him ice cream to
see if that would make him talk. There was also the possibility of torturing
him which would make Spike feel better too.
“I’m
angry.”
The words
were spoken so quietly that Spike almost missed them. “Angry about what? Did
Buffy do something I don’t know about?” Curious filled eyes were turned to his
mate.
Angel
stared at his fingers, arching and interlocking them, only to repeat it a
moment later.
“It doesn’t
make sense. At least no rational sense,” Angel met his gaze. “I hate that she
wasn’t a virgin for me.”
The gaze
turned to sweep over the cemetery while Spike sat in shock. It was the last
thing he had expected to be the problem.
“I don’t
understand,” Spike said. Thoughts ran a mile a minute through his head as he
tried to grasp Angel’s reasoning. And trying not to be hurt because if Angel
was angry with Buffy about it then he had to be furious at him for taking what
he considered his. “This whole thing was your idea.”
“Oh, it
gets worse,” Angel said, laughing for a moment. “I told you that it makes no
sense. I’m not angry with you at all. It’s all her. I keep asking myself why
she gave up so easily. Why was she so eager to take you to her bed?”
“To soddin’
get you back,” Spike declared. Spike shook his head in amazement. Angel had
gone round the bend down there in
“Of course
not,” Angel protested, but his eyes stayed glued to a tombstone off in the
distance. “Cordelia has nothing to do with this.”
Spike
jumped up and stood in Angel’s line of vision. This was going to get settled
now or he’d find a way to get rid of that interfering trollop. Angel was his
too and no one was going to break the three of them up. Not while he had
anything to say about it.
“Buffy
loves you, too much sometimes,” Spike proclaimed, his arms waving as he picked
up speed. “You know that. Don’t know why you’d doubt it now unless someone is
filling your head with lies.”
“It’s me
and my doubts, okay? I just look at her sometimes and I wonder if I even know her.
She’s not the girl I fell in love with.”
“Well,
that’s just rich, mate,” Spike said, having to laugh at the irony of it. “Did
you expect her to remain fifteen forever? She’s growing up and changing for the
better as far as I can see.”
“Yeah, you
see it that way because you’re the one she’s turning to,” Angel said. “She’s
complaining all the time. She’s either clingy or prickly, changing from one
moment to the next. And every time I make love to her, I feel like she’s only
doing it because she thinks she has to.”
“I’m not
doing this again, Angel,” Spike said, cupping the other man’s face. “We both
love you. She needs you. Part of the problem is that you’re gone half the time.
You made her dependent on you. That’s one of the reasons she’s made it so far,
is because of you and her family. Without you she gets insecure.”
“It’s my
fault that she’s like this?”
Spike
leaned his forehead against Angel’s. Why couldn’t he see? But Angel was blinded
by his fear and pain. If the rift between the two was to be mended it would
have to come from Angel. Buffy was too scattered among the problems in her
life. She couldn’t light in one place long enough to fully deal with anything.
Her mercurial moods were often dependent on which situation she was in and
dealing with at the moment. Even though Angel denied it, Spike knew that
Cordelia and possibly Doyle were feeding into Angel’s doubts about his life in
Sunnydale.
“No, it’s
not your fault,” Spike answered, trying and hoping to find a way to make him
understand. “Don’t give up on her, please. Just keep telling her how much you
love and need her. Maybe spend some time just the two of you.”
“I can’t
believe you just said that,” Angel said, lifting Spike’s chin with a finger. “Are
you desperate to keep us together or have you finally accepted that I love
you.”
Spike
grinned and stepped closer so he could kiss the corner of Angel’s mouth.
“Both.” His fingers trailed along his Sire’s zipper. “At least I’ve accepted
that you love how I make you feel.”
Spike was
pulled into the other man’s arms. They circled him and pressed him against the
body he craved like he did the blood he needed to stay alive. Buffy was
forgotten as Angel’s hand slid around the back of his neck. He tilted his head
so that Angel could nip at the tender flesh there. Grateful that the fates had
brought them back together, Spike surrendered to his mate’s desire. It was only
later when they returned home that he realized that they hadn’t decided what to
do about the petite blonde they shared a bed with.
To be continued in Chapter 12 – The
Big Ugly
