Chapter 16
Spike was holding a losing
hand. Two threes, a one-eyed jack, an
eight, and a queen. Lousy. He was losing his shirt to the grinning
youths sitting around the table with him.
Only two choices were open to him, try to bluff his way through the hand
or fold. He hated folding. He hated losing. About ready to lay down his hand, he heard
Rico give a long low whistle. Looking
up, he found the other guys staring at the far doorway of the room. Giggling the girls were returning with a girl
he hadn't seen before. She was worthy of
the whistle.
Like an idiot, Spike felt his
mouth fall open. It was Buffy. Yet it wasn't. It was the woman Buffy promised to be if she
ever let herself bloom. This incarnation
was strutting with confidence in her own beauty. Her eyes never left his as she came closer to
him. Her eyes never tore away from his
and he found himself drowning in the heat radiating from them. Like the night in the gym when she first
returned to him. The first night they
had sex. Yet this time there was knowledge
in those depths that Buffy knew exactly what she wanted.
It was him.
God help him. He wanted her, too.
"Yo Spike, you're
showing your cards," Chow said, laughing.
"Think you need to give up the game. Cuz', fucker, that hand gonna take you down
the toilet."
The others laughed, too. Spike rubbed his face, threw his cards on the
table, and chuckled. His face was
burning with an honesty he couldn't hide.
There wasn't embarrassment or shame in the way he felt, just regrets
that he had been too stupid to know when to do the right thing. The mistakes he'd made since Buffy left flashed
in front of him like neon signs pointing the way to hell. His own personal hell. The one he created when he let his fear lead
the way.
"Whoa Buffy, you looking
good," Rico said.
Buffy hesitated. The confidence slipped. Spike could see the uncertainty
returning. It made him want to punch
Rico for making her feel uncomfortable. It
also made him thankful that she wasn't alone with the pervert.
"Watch it," Gunn
warned.
Spike flashed him a grateful
look, but was surprised to see the warning included him. Buffy had someone else on her side. Someone who would protect her from being
hurt. He expected to feel jealous. Instead,
he felt grateful. That support would
only help her to grow. He needed to
accept that Buffy wasn't a little girl in need of protection. She also wasn't a girl out to make up for
lost time by dating every man in sight.
Nor was she out looking for someone better than him. She was just trying to make it in this world,
like him.
"Yeah Rico," Spike
said, grinning. "She's not
interested in you."
"You sure she wants your
ass?"
The question only brought
memories of making love to Buffy. It
only escalated his hunger for the vision still a half a room away. There wasn't any doubt that she wanted
him. Needed him, but that's what scared
him. He was afraid he would let her
down. Just like he had everyone else who
needed him. It wasn't in him to fulfill
other's expectations of him. No matter
how deeply he wanted to make them happy.
Stiffening, he told himself
that he wasn't any good for Buffy. He'd
already let her down. The best thing he
could do was to stay far away from her.
Let her have the freedom to find a young man who could give her
everything. Youth, idealism, and most of
all the purity of a love not tainted by her horrific past.
He needed a smoke. Standing up, he smiled at the girls. "You look beautiful, Buffy. More grown up than I've ever seen you."
"Thank you," Buffy
replied, blushing. She looked over at
the other guys for a mere second before she returned her gaze to Spike. Questioning, she searched his face. Probably looking for something more than the
indifference he was trying to project.
He couldn't let her get her hopes up that this makeover would change
things between them.
"I'm going to head up to
the roof to smoke," Spike said, nodding at everyone, but avoiding
Buffy. If he could have he would have
run, but he forced himself to walk to the stairs in the corner. Everyone was staring at him. So much for acting cool. He'd already blown it. No one was going to believe this pitiful act
that Buffy wasn't making his skin ache with wanting to touch her. If only he could go back to the day they
decided it was best for her to leave. He
would beg her to stay. Give in to
everything but the logic that ruled him at the time.
He yanked open the door,
letting it bang against the cement wall to relieve some of the frustration
filling him. It didn't help.
~~~~~~~~~
The rejection stung. Buffy's first
reaction was to hide. Wipe off all the
makeup and throw on the first pair of sweats she could grab. Anything to hide her dashed hopes of being a
normal girl. For a few minutes, in the
company of these other women, she almost forgot who she was and the past that
would never go away. She almost believed
that she had a future with Spike. The
only man who knew everything about her.
The only one she trusted with all of her.
"Don't you dare,"
Anita said, putting an arm around her shoulders. "You want him, you fight for him."
"I told you that you
were filling her head with fairy tales," Kendra said.
"Shut up Kendra,"
Anita said. "Sometimes people need
a little push."
"Please don't," Buffy
said, torn between her emotions and the desire to run. "Just leave it alone."
She pulled away and turned,
looking for a way out of this. A way to
get back to the carefully controlled life she was living only a week ago. In that life she felt safe behind her
barricades and the false security that she could protect herself. It wasn't real, but there she could
pretend.
Strong hands grabbed her
shoulder making Buffy jump.
"It's just me, little
girl," Gunn's voice whispered in her ear.
He turned her around to face him.
"Take a deep breath."
"I'm sorry
Charles," Buffy whispered.
"I'm so sorry. I wanted to…I
knew there wasn't a chance…and I just couldn't."
"Don't. It's okay.
You and me was a dream, nothing real.
Nothing like you've got with that man."
"That man doesn’t want
me. He just ran away from me."
"That's because he's
scared. The kind of love you have for
him makes him terrified. Don't blame
him. It's hard being somebody's hero. Give him a break. Fight through his walls and let him know that
you love him for the man he is, not the man he thinks he has to be for
you."
"I don't ask him to be
anything but him," Buffy said. She
shook her head. "All I need is
Spike."
"Even when he makes
mistakes? Or do you expect him to always
be up on that pedestal only getting down long enough to take care of you?"
"What are you talking
about?"
"Today in the car, after
you freaked, you clung to that man like he was the only thing real in this
fucking world. Like he was the only one
that could ever make you safe."
"No, I didn't,"
Buffy protested. It was an automatic
response. She didn't want it to be
real. No one could live with that kind of
pressure. Her eyes fluttered shut as the
years unfolded before her eyes including a drawing of Spike with angelic wings
she'd drawn when she was in the hospital.
An image she still carried to this day.
"Yes you did,
baby," Gunn's voice was gentle.
"I know you love him, but do you like him?"
"Of course I do,"
Buffy whispered. "He's my best
friend. He got me through so much,
helped me."
It sounded so one-sided. She did all the taking. What had she ever done for Spike? Except keep coming into his life and messing
it up. He deserved to be with someone
who could really love him, like Fred.
Someone who met him on an even playing field, not someone who always
needed to be rescued.
"It doesn't have to be
that way," Anita said, coming up beside them. There was gentleness on her face that
reminded Buffy of her mother when she was younger. Before the bad times. Anita stroked Buffy's hair. "I know what you're thinking. That you're always taking from him. I understand, but you don't need him. From what Charles has told me you've proven
that you can take care of yourself. Being
with him should be because you want to be, not because you don't think you can
do it alone."
"I'm always
scared," Buffy said. "I'm
always checking over my shoulder, always waiting for someone to grab me, it's
only when I'm with Spike that I feel safe."
"Everyone's afraid of
something," Kendra said with a shrug.
"Look around you. Why the
hell do you think we're here? Nobody out
there really gives a shit about us. So
we made our own family."
That was something Buffy
understood. Once she could get away from
the control of her mother, she ran to Spike and built her own family from the
friends she'd met in her own life. They
were her support system. More so than
the parents who raised her. She loved
them, but after keeping her prisoner again, she didn't think she would ever
come to fully trust them again. Her
mother still tried to find the girl she lost the day Buffy was kidnapped, and
her father couldn't face what happened.
He still hoped it was a bad dream.
So, he often avoided, not only the facts, but her as well.
"It's a good
family," Buffy said. "I think
the family we find is sometimes better than the family we were born into."
"First thing about you
I've found to like," Kendra said.
"Spike is part of my
family," Buffy whispered.
"He's the only person I completely trust."
"He's breaking your
heart," Kendra said.
"Quit with the man
hating shit Kendra," Charles barked.
"Not every man is your old man," he added more softly. Almost apologetically. "I know I'm not." He reached out to
rub Kendra's back. "Spike loves the
girl. I've seen the way he looks at
her. It's just a heavy burden…"
"What? To be superman?" Anita asked.
"Prince Charming? That's
what every girl needs."
"Spike tries,"
Buffy said in his defense. "He's a
good man. His mother was sick. Died when he was still young. It really messed with his head."
"See. Exactly what I mean," Charles said. "The dawg can't stand to be
needed."
"People," Rico
shouted. "We have got Freud in the
house tonight. Have a problem? Need your head shrunk? Charles Gunn is the
one who can solve it all."
"Shut up," Charles
retorted. "You're just upset that
the girl didn't turn to your sorry ass for comfort."
"I wouldn't give her
comfort," Rico said, grabbing his crotch.
"I'd give her something that would make her forget all about that
sorry bastard."
"Don’t talk about me
like that," Buffy said. Rico
frightened her at first. His last remark
didn't frighten her. It made her
angry. "I don't like you."
"It's got nothing to do
with liking, bitch." Rico looked
around at the other males gathered around him for the expected support. Some cheered him on, but there were a couple,
like Chow, who looked uncomfortable.
"It's all about you and me fucking."
"Well, if you couldn't
tell, I don't want to fuck you," Buffy said, surprising herself with the
strength in her words. She raised her
chin a fraction. Racing inside her mind
was all the defensive moves she ever learned.
Not that it would get that far, but it made her feel stronger.
Anita snickered. "You go girl."
"Rico, quit being an
asshole," Kendra added.
"Nobody here into your macho stud game. You ain't impressing no one."
"I think the girls are
telling you to behave," Charles said with a chuckle.
Buffy could tell Rico was
backed into a corner. She changed her
stance so she would be ready to defend herself.
Hoping to defuse the situation, she changed her tone to say, "Rico,
I'm sorry, but I love Spike. I tried
being with other men and it didn't work.
I want to settle things with Spike first."
"Then you're a fool,
girl," Rico said, standing up.
"He's not worth your time."
"Maybe, but I have to
finish it one way or the other," Buffy said.
"Well, when you're ready
for a real man, you come see me."
It was hard to hide the
smile. Never in a million years would
she ever be attracted to the arrogant street thug who didn't know how to treat
women. She hoped the girls in the gang
could eventually teach him a few things.
It was doubtful, but at least she knew they wouldn't put up with his
attitude either.
Rico threw down his cards,
grabbed his beer off the table, nodded at a few of the guys and took off to one
of the other rooms. Surprisingly without
saying another word. Buffy felt relieved
that he was gone without any more confrontation.
"See Buffy, you took
care of things just fine," Charles said, squeezing her shoulders. "You're not a weak little girl
anymore. You just need to make sure that
Spike knows that."
"If I'm not weak then
why am I shaking?"
"Because the
adrenaline's gone," Anita said.
"
Buffy gave a weak smile. "I still want to turn tail and
run."
"You didn't,"
Kendra said. "You did good."
"Thanks." Buffy let out a whoosh of pent up air. Although, she didn't think Rico was going to
forgive her rejection, it was over for now.
She was proud of herself for handling the situation the way she
did. Maybe Charles was right. She wanted it to be true that she could take
care of herself without Spike. Yet she
wanted Spike to stand beside her.
"I think I'm going to go talk to Spike."
"I think that's a good
idea," Anita said.
Smiling, Buffy hugged the
other girl. "Thank you. You're a good person." Reaching out she grabbed Kendra to pull her
into the hug. "You too."
"Don't forget it
either," Kendra said, reluctantly patting Buffy's back.
Buffy didn't protest. It wasn't that long ago, that she didn't want
anyone to touch her either, but she wasn't that girl anymore. Hadn't been in a long time, she just hadn't
accepted it. It was time she did.
