Chapter 12 – Time Away
The ocean
was lapping against the ship lulling Spike into a tranquil state with its
gentle rhythmic motions. He took a deep drag on his cigarette as his lover’s
embrace reminded him why he’d run to her. No games. No confusion. No demands
other than his back in return for a security that no woman could give.
But then
there was Buffy…
She was
never far from his mind and he missed her arms around him when he slept. He
missed her lips kissing him good morning and good night. Those longings were
dangerous because for the first time in three years he yearned for solid ground
beneath his feet.
Footsteps
sounded from the stairs and he turned to see who else was venturing topside in
the middle of the night. He flicked his cigarette away as he straightened up
when he saw Angel’s dark form. On land they were friends but on ship Angel was
still his crew boss; deserving of his respect and needing his obedience.
“Just me,
Spike,” Angel said, letting Spike know he wasn’t there on official ship
business. “What are you doing up here?”
“Thinking,
things have been a bit confusing lately.”
“Ah, Buffy’s
got you all tangled up doesn’t she?”
Spike
laughed. Tangled up didn’t begin to cover it. What could he say? He wanted the
girl like he’d never wanted anyone. She was the flame to which he was drawn
even though he knew the risk of being burned was possible, probable even. And she
could do it so easily without ever intending to hurt him. Following his
companion’s lead, Spike leaned on the railing again and watched the wake the
ship left as it cut through the water.
“I guess
you could say that,” Spike confided after a few minutes. It wasn’t easy to
share his feelings especially to her best friend. “I wasn’t expecting or wanting to meet anyone.
Much less someone who…” He trailed off with a wry grin and a shake of his head.
“Someone
who makes you wonder which way is up?” Angel asked, smiling. “She’s always been
that way. Kinetic thy name is Buffy.”
It was
supposed to make him laugh but Angel’s words only made him more confused. What
did someone like Buffy want with him? She was energy and light and he…well, he
was darkness and acumen. They were opposites and only doomed for a brief
attraction but yet the fire between them flared more out of control with each
visit. They couldn’t even burn the desire away leaving them with an easy
good-bye and he was finding the more he tried to fight it, the more entangled
he became.
“Are you
sure she isn’t a witch or something?” Spike asked with a forlorn undertone. He
was still hoping for something that would give him an easy out. ‘You know like
doing a love spell on me.”
“That’s
good,” Angel said. “Nah, Buffy isn’t a witch. She’s just a girl that is sometimes
determined to save the whole world and other times she just wants to run away
and be silly.”
Thank God. He brought the subject
up.
“Why does
everyone treat Buffy like she’s that silly girl? You know, all primp and fluff
instead of the woman that she is?”
Angel
looked startled and for a moment Spike could see the other man battle with
himself as to whether to confide in Buffy’s new interest or not. Spike could
understand the position he’d put Angel in. But it was Angel’s thing, not
Buffy’s, and he wouldn’t really be breaking any confidences. Spike straightened
and lit another cigarette, surprised when Angel held his hand out. Maybe there
was more than he bargained for and he handed the lit one to his friend before
lighting a second one for himself.
“Buffy
never told you?”
“Nope,”
Spike said. “The only thing she said was that she and Faith were put into these
places and neither of them has ever tried to break free from them.”
“They were
twelve,” Angel started. “They were still friends at that point, competitive but
still friends. The two of ‘em along with this other girl, Amy, was all in
gymnastics together. The three of them were going to change Sunnydale
cheerleading forever. They were always hanging around the house, giggling,
being loud, and irritating the shit out of me. It was always, ‘Angel, come help
us with our pyramids’ or ‘Angel, can you move the mattress outside so we don’t
get hurt’. There were times when I wanted to…kill them. I just wanted them to
leave me alone.”
Bollocks…this isn’t going to be
good.
Silence
reigned for a minute as Angel seemed lost in thought somewhere. His gaze was
fixated on the moonlight splashed across the ocean but Spike knew his mind was
lost in the past. He let Angel deal with it the way he needed to and waited.
“It was
early August,” Angel continued. “Those long days that never seemed to end when
you’re a kid and you’re getting in as much of life as you can before school
starts again. They’d been following me around all day, just being pests and I
got fed up and told them I’d wish they’d just go away. That I never wanted to
see any of them again.”
“Whatever
it was,” Spike interrupted. “It couldn’t have been your fault, you know. You
were what thirteen, weren’t you?”
“Yeah, but
I’m still the oldest,” Angel said with a laugh. He took one last drag of the
cigarette before flicking it out over the ocean. “Every single last one of them
looks to me to be in charge, to make the decisions, to be the wise one. And
I’ve run away to sea; left them to their own devices, left the girl who could
have loved me, left my sister lost in her own guilt, all because I’m a coward.”
“What the
bloody hell happened?”
It was
still affecting them all ten years later and Spike was almost too scared to
find out. But he also knew at that age, life was just unfolding, leaving behind
childhood and anything that happens could be catastrophic. Hopefully it was
just something that was…
“She died,”
Angel said. His eyes shut while his fingers twisted together. “Amy’s mother, that is. After I yelled at
them, the girls decided to go back to Amy’s house instead of mine. No one had a
clue what was going on in that house or maybe they did and they just never said
anything. The girls walked in on Amy’s parents fighting. Amy’s mother was
off…always a little weird but no one thought that she’d…Her mother’s tirade
turned to Amy when they walked in the door. Amy wasn’t any good. She had ruined
her mother’s life.” Angel paused, taking a deep breath as he blinked the
emotions from his eyes. “Faith and Buffy were there, hearing and seeing
everything. Faith was so scared that she couldn’t move. Our parents never
fought like that. Buffy ran to a neighbor’s house and had them call for help.
By the time the police got there, Amy’s mother was dead, fell down the stairs
and broke her neck, Faith was in shock. It was ruled an accident and Amy and
her Dad left town never to be heard from again. Buffy got all the praise for
going for help and Faith blamed herself for not doing more. And it was over
with, the summer, their friendship and my sister.”
“And Buffy,
you’re holding onto her with everything you’ve got…” Spike said, squeezing his
friend’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I
am.” Angel agreed, turning to look at Spike.
The two men
returned their gaze to the sea. For a man that wanted no ties, Spike felt oddly
humbled by the trust that was given him by the man next to him. Their
friendship had only deepened with Angel’s confession and made Spike even more
aware of the trust that was being given to him in regards to Buffy. And he searched his heart knowing that if he
didn’t intend to do right by her then he needed to break all ties now but he
could only find the desire to hold her tight.
~~~~~~~~
It was just
a daydream but what a dream it was. Spike was making love to her in the
sunlight. It shone around his head like a halo and Buffy blinked away the tears
that threatened to spill down her cheeks. He’d been gone for two weeks and
every day seemed longer than the last. He’d become such a part of her in such a
short time. It didn’t make sense, it wasn’t logical, but her heart wasn’t listening.
Technically she’d known him since the beginning of May which was twelve weeks
ago but she’d only spent five days with him. Five days and he was becoming an
integral part of her life.
Buffy sighed
and flipped the page of the magazine, trying to concentrate on the latest fall
fashions. She was lying on her stomach in the living room, trying to kill time
until she had to leave for work. Nothing really held her interest and she
hadn’t been out with her friends in days. And every night before she went to
bed she’d mark the day off the calendar. One less day until the Darla returned.
“Buffy,”
Joyce said, looking up from her paperwork at the table. “What are you doing?”
“
“Yeah, get
off your ass and be productive.”
“Excuse
me,” Buffy said, and jerked her head around to look at her mother. “What
exactly would you like me to do? I have to be at work in three hours.”
“Come here,”
Joyce said, patting the spot next to her at the table. She waited until her
daughter was settled in the chair before taking one of her hands in hers. “I
know you really care about Spike. And I think the two of you have a pretty good
shot at something real but, Buffy, you can’t just sit around and wait for him.”
“I’m not,”
Buffy protested even though she knew her mother was right. She squirmed in her
seat for the lie but she didn’t want to have to deal with reality. Living in a
Spike induced fantasy was enough for her right now. Everything else could wait
until she had him next to her again. She glanced up at her mother staring at
her and sighed. “Okay, fine, I’m waiting but it’s not like anything else major
is going on.”
“School;
it’s going on or will be going on soon. Why don’t you go back?”
“I can’t,
Mom,” Buffy said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “We decided
this a long time ago. I work and help out. No school for me.”
“I
appreciate it and so does your father,” Joyce said. She reached out to her
daughter but Buffy stayed out of her grasp. Buffy thought she saw her mother’s
face scrunch in disappointment but it was gone when Joyce spoke. “Things are
pretty stable now. There shouldn’t be anymore than the usual expenses and I’m
back to working part-time. So, I think it’s time for you to resume your life.”
“I have a
life,” Buffy exclaimed, standing to pace the room. “I work at The Edge, I have
friends and I have Spike.” She threw her arms wide. “And I have you and Dad.
Why change things now?”
“You can’t
save the whole world, Buffy,” Joyce said. “It’s not your responsibility to fix
things for me or for your friends. If we hadn’t needed the help so much I never
would have let you quit in the first place.”
No matter
what Buffy said, her mother would have a logical counterpoint for it. She
slumped back in her chair and stared down at the table top. She was so far
behind everyone else now and she wasn’t sure she’d fit in anymore. Her previous
dream of being a lawyer didn’t even seem real anymore. Not that she’d had the
intellectual capacity for that anyway as her test scores had blatantly told
her. Living had become a moment to moment thing since her mother’s accident.
Get through the day alive and you’d get a second chance the next day. Spike
wouldn’t be back for another two or three weeks and the days stretched
interminable. Then an idea hit her; if she was in school during the day and she
was working nights then she’d be too busy to miss him.
Her
concession had to have shown on her face because Joyce smiled at her. “Promise
me tomorrow that you’ll go down and talk to your old counselor and see about
signing up for classes.”
“Okay, I
will,” Buffy said. “First thing in the morning I’ll go.”
“Good,
good,” Joyce said, opening her arms for a hug. “I’m glad that you are seeing
sense about this.”
It was the
most sensible thing she could do. Everybody would be happy if she returned to
school and time between Spike’s visits would go by faster. Yep, Buffy could
please everyone at one time and give her life meaning. School wasn’t a bad idea
at all. Not a bad idea at all.
