Chapter 27 – In His Hands
Spike knew he should feel
guilty for it. And maybe he would if it was being drowned out by relief that he
had an excuse to have a moment alone. He hurried into the bathroom, partially
closing the door behind him before disposing of the condom. Simultaneously, he
turned the water on and reached for a washcloth that had been hung by the sink.
Finally he leaned his forehead on the mirror and let out the breath he’d been
holding onto for what seemed forever.
A bitter laugh fell from his
lips at the same time as a tear fell down his cheek. How had it come to this?
He’d never wanted this. A solitary life had been his choice and she’d stormed
her way into his life, his heart and now into his soul. Sex had never before been
the way it was with Buffy. Not even with the woman who’d torn him to pieces had
it been this intense…this loving. There was no way he could ever run from Buffy
now. The responsibility that he didn’t want was now his for life.
Sighing, he ran the cloth
under the hot water to take back to Buffy. He’d seen the look on her face as
she looked down at herself and eventually he figured they would end up in the
bathtub like before. Until then he could clean her up, make sure she was all
right and maybe drink some champagne to calm their nerves. He knew if he was
feeling this emotional then there was no doubt that she was too. The sound of
Buffy weeping jarred him as he turned the faucet off. He hadn’t been expecting
that and his heart wrenched as he hurried back to her.
His footsteps faltered when
he saw her curled under the blanket, facing away from him, just like she had
been the night before. Like she’d been when she was thinking of breaking up
with him. With the heel of his hand he wiped the last traces of tears from his
face and forced himself to join Buffy on the pile of blankets. Too afraid of
being rejected, his hand hovered over her hip as he sat behind her.
“Buffy, are you okay?” Spike
asked, withdrawing his hand when she didn’t answer. “Did I hurt you?” Buffy
shook her head slightly. “Can I do something for you?” Another shake. “Did I do
something wrong?”
“You left,” Buffy mumbled.
Spike leaned over her and
peered into her face. “I didn’t hear you, Luv.”
“You left me,” Buffy said a
little louder. “Alone,” she added for emphasis.
Dumbfounded, Spike sat back
down and stared at the back of Buffy’s head. His brows furrowed as he clenched
the washcloth still in his hand. A few drops landed on his leg and he stared at
them while he tried figure out what to say.
“I told you I was going to
the bathroom,” Spike said, slowly.
Buffy rolled onto her back
to stare at him with eyes still filled with tears. “Right then? God, couldn’t
you wait for a minute?”
“Excuse me,” Spike snapped,
suddenly feeling defensive under her hurt. He didn’t want to be responsible for
making someone else happy and safe. So, why did she keep making him feel this
way? “I told you that I was getting rid of the damn condom. What did you want
me to do? Fling it in the fireplace?”
Her eyes widened, her cheeks
flushed red and her lower lip trembled. “I’m so sorry for being stupid. I
didn’t hear you say anything about…it. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do
with it. I’ve never done this before, remember?”
“I didn’t say you were
stupid,” Spike said, but his lips were twitching. The timing wasn’t
appropriate, her mood wasn’t right but he couldn’t help but chuckle at her
indignation. She looked adorable as she defended her lack of knowledge. The one
thing he expected her to understand was the one thing she didn’t. She sat up
when he laughed. The washcloth was wrenched from his hand and thrown in his
face.
“Why don’t you cool off
some?” Buffy shrieked. “I hate this. I hate what happened and I really wish
that we hadn’t done it. Do you hear me? I said I wish this whole day and night
had never happened.” She looked torn as to whether she had anything else to add
but then she promptly burst into tears again.
“I’m sorry I disappointed
you, Buffy,” Spike said, feeling his heart shutting down before it could break
into a million pieces. “I…I really wanted to make this work and I guess I
didn’t do such a good job.” She didn’t say anything and he shrugged his
shoulders. “Look, I’ll get out of here…go back to the ship. We’ll talk
tomorrow. Get things settled about the house and stuff. Okay?”
Buffy looked up with eyes that
were huge in her tear ravaged face. “You’re leaving me? Now? Like this?” Her
hand waved over her blanket covered body. “After we…? How could you?”
What the hell am I supposed to do? She just said she
wanted it to all go away and now, she’s looking at me like I’m breaking her
heart.
Spike wasn’t sure what to
do. His heart was telling him to run as fast as he could before she broke it.
His mind was in total chaos trying to sort out everything that was going on.
And his soul, the part of him, that had just accepted responsibility for this
girl told him he had to make it right. Praying she didn’t kill him, Spike
reached over, picked her up and deposited her on the floor between his legs.
His arms wrapped around her even while she was trying to push him away. Her
efforts were half-hearted as if she was begging him to prove her wrong. Spike
was more than willing to do just that because he didn’t want to let her go, not
now, not ever. The thought of leaving her was more than he could bear so he
pulled her closer.
“Buffy, talk to me,” Spike
begged. “Please, I’m sorry for laughing and I’m sorry that you didn’t hear me
say I’d be right back. Tell me what’s going on, why you’re so upset…why you
wish it hadn’t happened.”
She seemed to give up as she
wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. “I just didn’t…I
really did like it, it’s just…”
“Just what, Luv?”
“It’s not your fault it’s
mine,” Buffy said tentative at first but at his continued silence and the soft
strokes of his fingers on her back, she opened the floodgates. “I am stupid,
Spike, and I thought I was so…so sure of everything. I thought by reading the
books, and watching the movies that I knew what it would be like. It wasn’t anything
like that. And, I’m the one who set everything up, and, of course you’d think
I’d be smart enough to check everything off the list. No, I didn’t think it
through because getting cleaned up or getting rid of the rubber didn’t even
cross my mind. You must think I’m totally naïve putting out chocolates and
strawberries. It didn’t even have anything to do with what we did; it was all
just a pretty picture. Silly me, actually thinking that we’d be lying there,
still joined together, basking in the glow,” Buffy paused, took a deep breath
before glancing up to make sure he was still listening then plunged back in.
“There would be soft music, don’t know where the hell from but it would be
there and we’d feed each other and drink champagne then as if by magic we’d do
it all again.” A flush crept up her face but she kept on going. “You know in
the Harlequins and everything they always come together. There’s this great
moment of bliss where their souls join or something, not me, no I have this
great orgasm and I’m lying there while you’re still doing it.” She peeked up
again from beneath her lashes. “Please, don’t get upset again but I was waiting
for you to finish and all of a sudden I felt kind of gross. I was sticky and
runny and there was sweat all over the place. The fire was making me hot not
glowy and then finally you came. I wanted you off of me but I wanted you to
hold me forever too. The next thing I know you’re rolling off of me and you were
gone. It was like where the hell did he go? And what am I supposed to do? Was I
supposed to follow you, wait here or tra la la la, act like it’s no big deal? I
couldn’t act like it wasn’t a big deal because it was. I just had sex for the
first time with a man I love more than anything. And I realized I really don’t know
that much about you or how we’re paying for this house or anything. It was all
too real and I just wanted it to be like the books.”
Silence. She was done it
seemed and Spike had no clue where to start to make things better. Suddenly she
pulled back with her body shaking.
“Please, don’t laugh or be
mean,” Buffy said, struggling to stand up and keep the blanket around her at
the same time. “But I have to pee really bad.” She took off running down the
hallway while Spike, smiling, had to bite back the impulse to ask if she
couldn’t wait for just a minute.
Spike glanced around their
living room and sighed. It had been a pretty picture that Buffy had created but
that’s all it was. He’d known her expectations were too high but he’d wanted
her too much to slow things down. He’d justified it by saying they needed to
make love to seal their relationship when he should have taken the time to
maybe play out the seduction scene. Swept away by emotions and Buffy’s apparent
confidence they’d almost blown the most important moment in their relationship.
He heard the water running and knew that Buffy was probably getting cleaned up.
So, he figured he’d wipe
away the evidence. He stood, pulled on his jeans before reaching for the
blankets and pillows. He took them back to the bedroom, dropped the bundle on
the floor, threw the stuffed pig in the closet, and then remade the bed. The
bathroom door was still closed so he returned to the living room to take the
dishes into the kitchen. Since there was still no Buffy, he grabbed his smokes
and headed for the patio. His eyes closed as he rested his head against the
back of the chair.
“Hey,” Buffy said. “Do you
still want a dork like me around?”
She was leaning against the
door dressed in a pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts with her hair up
in a ponytail. He had to smile. He had no choice. She was a woman becoming
comfortable with having a man around. Gone was the pajamas of her days of
sleeping alone and here was the new choice of comfort.
“Yeah,” Spike said, patting
his legs for her to sit on his lap. “I still want you around very much.”
Buffy settled leaning back
against his chest while he wrapped his arm around her waist. This was what he
needed, a moment of just being with her. Neither spoke as they relaxed into
each other’s body. Her fingers caressed his arm while he finished his
cigarette. Each exhale was thoughtfully blown to the side so as not to offend
his girl.
“I’m sorry for the momentary
crazy spell,” Buffy said.
“Don’t be,” Spike said,
tightening his arm. He crushed out the cigarette and wrapped that arm around
her too. “We both ran ahead with these fantasies. I was feeling a little
overwhelmed by our making love, too.”
“You were?”
“Yeah, I was,” Spike said.
“You know that’s what it was, don’t you?” He sighed. He needed to tell her how
he felt. “Buffy, I…”
“No,” Buffy said, turning
and putting her fingers against his mouth. “Don’t. I know what it was and I
know how you feel. I had some time to think when I was in the bathroom.” The
fingers traced his mouth, ran along his jaw to cup the back of his neck. “Once
I realized what a dope I was being about everything, I knew, I know. It’s in
every touch of your hands, in every look you give, the way you’ve accepted my
friends and family. The way you thought of my mother when you rented this
house. It’s the way you cried the first time we were really intimate and the
way you made love to me tonight. I’ve been told the words before and they
didn’t mean a damn thing. You tell me in everything you do and when you’re
ready, you’ll tell me. So, don’t say the words because you think you have to, I
can wait to hear them.”
Spike nodded, too overcome
for words by the beauty of the woman he was holding. He knew it was time to
quit comparing her to Drusilla and measure Buffy by her own standards. She had
a level of class that Drusilla could never hope to achieve no matter how hard his
ex tried. He tugged Buffy to him so that he could tell her in a kiss how much
she meant to him. There wasn’t any fear of rejection this time as the lips met
in an explosion of passion that was only given to couples who had gone beyond
the first floundering moments of a relationship. It was the kiss of two people
who were easing into a loving pair that moved as a unit.
Buffy turned in his arms to
press close against him. His hand was easing under her shirt when her stomach
growled. Very loudly. They broke apart laughing.
“Feeling peckish,
Buffy?”
“Yeah, actually, I’m
ravenous,” Buffy giggled and waggled her brows. “I think I worked up an appetite
earlier.”
There was time. Time for
them to explore and love later, so Spike stood and managed to still hold her
close.
“Well, then,” Spike joked,
heading to the kitchen. “Let’s go and get Lady Buffy fed before she expires on
us.”
“Yeah, cuz I think I’m going
to need all the sustenance I can get for later,” Buffy laughed.
And they disappeared into
their kitchen for their first
to be continued…
