Chapter 38 – Yours
Buffy sighed loudly as she rolled
over onto her back. Her eyes roved over the ordinary hotel room that was lit by
the neon light advertising a fast food restaurant across the street. Her
stomach grumbled its empty status at her. She couldn’t sleep, her body wanted
food that her mind said it would reject and her heart physically hurt.
Earlier, after she had cried
on the front walk of the hospital, she had returned to the ICU ward to check on
Spike. The nurse had brought out her purse and told her they had given him a
sedative to make him sleep. She stood in the shadows with tears falling down
her cheeks, watching him as he worked at the restraints. It was heartbreaking
to know he was afraid but that she couldn’t comfort him. That for some reason
he didn’t want her near him. Finally his movements slowed as he fell under the
seductive lure of the medicine. And when he wasn’t moving except for the gentle
rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, she left. Angel came back to pick
her up and on the way back to the hotel she decided to share his room. She
wasn’t sure if she could handle being alone and wanted the reassurance of her
friend.
“Buffy, you okay?” Angel
asked from the other bed.
“No, not really,” Buffy
said, turning to face him. He was already lying on his side and watching her.
“I need chocolate.”
Angel laughed as she
requested her cure all for everything.
“There’s a vending machine
down the hall. What do you want?”
“Ice cream,” Buffy
responded, sitting up while trying to keep the sheet over her. “And pajamas,
and clean underwear and magazines and…”
“Get up, brat,” Angel said, laughing
as he reached for his jeans. “There’s a Super Wal-mart down the street.”
“Shopping?” Buffy inquired
hopefully. She knew that she probably shouldn’t be excited about shopping she
was. It was something ordinary in the extraordinariness of the last few days. “You mean like buying stuff?”
“Yeah, we can get stuff
we’ll need since it seems like we might be here for a few days.”
“Turn around,” Buffy said,
waiting until he did before she slipped from the bed. Before Spike she had no
qualms about prancing around in front of Angel half naked. A bikini by the pool
wouldn’t bother her but she belonged to Spike now. To her that meant even
sharing this room was too personal and letting him see her in her underwear was
pushing the boundaries. She hurriedly pulled her clothes on, put her hair up in
a pony tail again and grabbed her purse. “Let’s go.”
Excitement danced along the
edge of her conscious as they pulled into the parking lot. Shopping was and had
been her personal stress buster in the past few years. This was just what she
needed. She caught Angel’s smile as she pushed the cart down the aisle. Men’s
Wear was first. She helped Angel pick out a couple of changes of clothing and
she ended up getting an outfit for Spike, too. He’d need something to wear home
was her excuse. Next they picked out things for her. A couple pairs of jeans,
t-shirts, a light jacket for when the hospital was too cold. Once she was
satisfied she had everything she’d need she turned the cart toward the
intimates section.
“Spike’s not going to like
those,” Angel commented as she threw a pack of plain cotton panties in the
cart. “He’s very particular about what he wants you wearing.”
Buffy giggled. “Well, it
will give him incentive to get better.” She paused as she sorted through a rack
to find the right size bra. After
finding what she was looking for, she threw them on the growing pile in the
cart. “Okay, now food. Please?”
Angel laughed as they headed
toward the food section. Buffy headed for the candy and cookie aisle while
Angel headed in another direction. She wasn’t worried. He probably needed
something and would catch up with her. A few candy bars and a bag of cookies later
she turned to find he still wasn’t with her. She went to the end of the aisle
and looked in both directions. He was coming toward her. When she dumped her
sweets in she saw he had picked up assorted crackers that were filled with
cheese and peanut butter.
“You need something to give
you strength, too,” Angel said, sheepishly.
“Thank you,” Buffy said,
appreciating that he was there to help her out. “Now, reading material?”
“How about some cooking ware
or a new purse?”
His tone was joking but it
made Buffy realize something. She detoured through the purse department to get
a tote bag to carry the stuff in. Next was a quick run through toiletries and the
last stop was for magazines and books. She got an assortment of magazines for
her, bought a book that Spike had talked about reading for him and Angel threw
in a copy of The Hobbit.
“Comfort read,” Angel
replied to her silent inquiry. He shrugged and continued, “I was thinking you
could read to him and he wouldn’t have to concentrate too much because he’s
already read it.”
This time Buffy hugged him.
It was good to lean on someone that she knew would be there for her. It was a
revelation that followed them to the check out line. Angel reached for his
wallet but Buffy told him no. She reached into her purse and took out the
credit card that Spike had ordered for her. The one she had fought against
because she didn’t want him taking care of her. It wasn’t about that she
realized. It was about trust and truly being a couple. By using it she was
taking one more step to the commitment that she wanted.
~~~~~~~~
Spike had his eyes closed
when Buffy and Angel slipped into his room. Shelia, his nurse, was back this
morning and had told them that he had been awake earlier. His vitals were
strong but that he was still a little out of it. Buffy breathed a sigh of
relief to see that the restraints had been removed. She put the tote bag down
and sat in the chair next to his bed. She watched as Angel went to sit in the
chair in the corner.
There was such a lost look
to the man she loved that it made her ache. The beard was getting thicker
making him appear sinister. His lashes lay against the deep shadows that ringed
his eyes while the rest of his face was so pale. The curls that were always
contentious to him were running wild without anything to tame them. It was his
hands that made her want to cry though. Always so strong and sure when they
held her were fluttering as if they were trying to take flight. Bruises from
the IV’s covered the backs of both hands and journeyed up his arms to where a
needle still intruded on the inside of one elbow.
Hesitantly, Buffy let one
finger drift over his free hand. She jumped when his finger curled around hers.
“Buffy?” Spike croaked.
Flooded with relief, Buffy
leaned forward. “Yes, Spike, I’m here.”
He only nodded and drifted
back to wherever he had been. There wasn’t anything to do but wait for him to
wake up. She pulled out a magazine to read until he returned to her. From the
looks of it, it was going to be a long day. Angel left, restless in the turmoil
sameness, and she was left alone. There was nothing to keep her interest in the
printed material and she soon just tossed it on the table.
Sheila came in every once in
awhile to check on him. It was edging toward lunch when the doctor came in. He
shook Spike’s shoulder and Buffy was surprised at how quickly he opened his
eyes to look at the doctor.
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit,” Spike said.
Dr. Thompson read through
the file he was holding. “I’m going to have a physical therapist to come in
this afternoon to run you through some maneuvers to see how your coordination
is. Okay?”
Spike nodded.
“You haven’t run a fever
this morning so it looks like your infection is coming under control. So, how
do you feel about eating a light lunch?”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay, I’ll have them order
you a lunch. Do you want me to have them send an extra for Buffy?”
“She’ll probably want to get
out of here,” Spike answered before Buffy could say anything. “She’s been
sitting here all morning.”
It stung that he hadn’t even
asked her but she tried to push it away. Just like she had the traitorous
thought that he had been feigning sleep so he wouldn’t have to talk to her.
Trying to make herself feel better, she told herself that she could have lunch
with Angel. Get some fresh air and some new perspective.
A few minutes later the
doctor left and Spike turned to look at her. It was then she knew she hadn’t
been wrong. There was wariness in his eyes that made her shiver from the lonely
feeling it left her with. She slipped her hand back in his.
“I don’t mind staying with
you if you want me too,” Buffy said. “I came prepared for hospital wait time.
I’ve got magazines, snacks and books that I can read to you if you like.”
“There’s no reason for you
to stay,” Spike said, turning his head.
“Hey, Spike,” Angel said,
walking back into the room. “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Me, too.”
Buffy withdrew as the two
men talked. She was trying very hard not to take the rejection personally. It
had to be because he was in the hospital or something. It didn’t have anything
to do with her and she worried the ring on her finger.
“Buffy,” Spike said. “Go
with Angel for a little while. Get some fresh air and stuff.”
“All right,” Buffy said,
standing. She leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I love you.”
Spike only nodded and she
could feel his eyes on her until she disappeared from his view. Angel was good
to her. He took her to a small café that overlooked the bay. In his company she
didn’t have to say much or be anything but who she was. Their time was
leisurely because suddenly she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be around Spike. If
it hadn’t been early morning for her, Buffy would have called Emily to speak
with her. At this point she was willing to do anything to figure out the
mystery that Spike was presenting her with. She sighed and pushed around the
lettuce in her salad some more.
“Buffy, don’t take it
personally,” Angel said.
“He doesn’t want me around
him,” Buffy said, looking on in amazement as Angel took a huge bite of his
hamburger. At least his appetite wasn’t in question. “He ignored me all morning
and…”
“Did you ever think that
there’s something he doesn’t want to admit to you? Maybe something he’s afraid
to tell you.”
“Like what?” Buffy asked,
pushing her plate away and leaning back. She rubbed at her upper arms to try
and comfort herself.
“Remember what they were
talking about last night. The brain damage he might suffer from?”
“But he knows who I am and
he was talking fine.”
“There were other things,”
Angel said, putting his sandwich down. “The coordination, concentration, and
possible personality change.”
“Oh my god,” Buffy said, her
eyes filling with tears. “What if…?”
“There you go again,” Angel
said. “Don’t take things personally right now and don’t borrow trouble. You
just need to be there for him.”
She nodded. Somehow she had
to find a way but she knew it was hard not to take it to heart when there were
still so many things left unsaid between them. By the time they returned to the
hospital, Buffy had plastered on her happy face that she had learned so well
over the years. It was funny because it was the first time she felt she had to
wear it around Spike.
“Hi, there,” Buffy said,
smiling brightly before kissing Spike’s cheek again. “You were right. I did
need some fresh air.”
“Hey, pet,” Spike said. “Did
you have a good lunch?”
“Yeah, I did,” Buffy said,
her face hurting from the grin she was forcing on. “Do you need anything? Do
you want me to read to you?”
“No, not now,” Spike said.
“I think I want to catch a nap.”
“Okay.”
It hurt again but she
ignored it. She tucked the covers around his body, ignored his grunt and
straightened his pillows. Next she closed the blinds before settling back into
the chair by the window.
Give him space, she thought. It was all she could do. Wait for him to come to her,
until he needed something that she could provide. The air was tense between
them but she remained quiet. His eyes were closed again. Almost an hour passed
with nothing said, with her own eyes closed as she let him pretend. Sheila came
bustling into the room to take his vitals and Buffy watched through half
shuttered eyes.
His temperature, the blood
pressure and then she went to empty his urine bag. It was then that things
began to be clearer. Spike’s lips were tightly drawn and he turned his head
away. There was a flush of color on his
cheekbones to give away his embarrassment, his frustration at the situation and
Buffy turned toward the hallway. Somehow she forced her feet to move until she
was outside the room. She stared at the doorway that led to where the man she
loved was. Her emotions were only getting stronger with each passing moment. It
was time to tell him. She waited for Sheila to leave the room before making her
way back.
“God damn it,” Buffy heard
Spike say right before she saw him. Her mouth formed an ‘o’ as she watched him
try to pick up a cup of water. His hand wouldn’t connect and finally he just
backhanded it across the room. “Go away, Buffy, you don’t want to be here,” he
snarled at her.
Buffy moved until she was
leaning over him. Her hands planted on either side of him. Spike tried
desperately not to look at her. His eyes roved over the room while she waited
for him to run out of places and things to see. His jaw clenched and
unclenched, his body tensed below her and his eyes blinked furiously. Finally,
though, he gave up and turned to gaze up at her.
“I love you, William,” Buffy
said, determinedly. “Yes, I said William because I love all of you. I want to
spend my life with you. The marriage vows that I want to take say, in sickness
and in health, and I’m willing to stand by those. I don’t give a rat’s ass if
you need a urine bag emptied, or if you can’t pick up a cup, or if you’re lying
on your back.” She stopped for a moment to swallow the tears that were choking
her and falling onto his face. “All I care about is that you’re alive and you’re
with me. Don’t get all fucking noble on me and tell me I don’t know what I’m
getting into because I do. My mother, remember? The months she was in the
hospital, the times that I had to clean up after her, lift her, and help her bathe.
I know how bad it can get.”
“My mother died in the
hospital,” Spike said, as he started to cry himself. Everything he felt was
there in his face, the fear, the frustration, the loneliness, and the hope that
she wouldn’t walk away from him no matter how bad it got.
“I know, Spike, I know,”
Buffy said gently. She sat beside him and wiped at his tears. Her fingers
taking the excuse to be able to touch him again, to reacquaint themselves with
the places of his face, drifted over his cheeks and down to cup his chin. “I
know you’re frightened. I’m scared, too but I want to be scared with you.
Please don’t push me away.”
Spike nodded, and then
through the emotions that were taking him over, begged her, “Hold me, Buffy,
please hold me.”
And she did.
to be continued…
