Freshmen, I don’t want you to be fooled by the title; this isn’t about study tips or any of the other idiot things they tell you before you enter high school. This is about all the things you really need to know; things that aren’t described in those “teenage stress reduction and survival” books that you pay $15.95 for at Border’s. Be careful; the following is top-secret information from the inside.
1. Always carry a loaded pack of gum, it might become a matter of personal preservation. Let’s say that you get partnered with Larry, who thinks it’s OK to neglect his teeth just because Tommy Tooth and Buddy Brush no longer remind him about good dental hygiene(and you thought that something had died in the vicinity of Larry’s mouth). The friendly gesture of offering gum could save lives.
2. Know how to use technology to your advantage, not for typing or research, but for avoiding doing actual work(the PC is man’s best friend). Yikes, that paper is due tomorrow, and you haven’t given it one thought! No problem if you have the right excuses.
Of the two methods of computer trickery, the first is “claiming technical failure.” It’s an easy endeavor; you just look really nervous and approach the teacher’s desk as if he/she were a demon from another dimension and libel to rip your head off at any second. In a quivering voice, claim that the printer ran out of paper, the computer crashed, or your younger sibling deleted the hard drive(let the little brat take the rap).
The second method, more widely used, is called “incompatible differences.” Bring in an old disk and reveal that your paper is on the disk, but the school computers aren’t compatible with your system. Example:
Teacher: “We have X-Word here, will your disk run through that?”
You: “Oh, I’m sorry, I have the new 7.632 Gramma-Tix Word for Doors ‘95. If I try to boot up, it will blow up the East Coast.”(Hint: you can use any high-tech futuristic words you want)
3. Never walk at an improper speed in the hall. You might think that I’m fooling around, but I assure you that this problem, is among the leading causes of me being annoyed. Nothing is more irritating than having somewhere to go in a hurry as an idiot moseys on along in front of you(and they do it on purpose).
Then, a whole clump of stupid people block the hall to talk about mindless things, such as Larry’s breath(you thought that you were the only one who noticed), and various failed romances(this is third block, not the Young and Restless). When that happens, your best bet to pull out a sawed-off shotgun and shout,
“This is not a convention, get out of the way!”
Unfortunately, you’d probably need a rocket launcher to get results, but don’t worry, freshmen, they sell those in the school store.
4. Know how to complain. Everyone thinks that they know how to complain, but until you get to high school, you’re really just whining(trust me, I’ve compared complaints with the best).
The first and most important type of complaining is about oneself. Two people try to convince each other that they had a worse morning, injury, illness, life. As you can well imagine, such one-upmanship leads to some outrageous fibbage. Example:
You: “I was up until 12:30 last night, haven’t eaten in seven hours, and had to walk to school in the rain.”
Opponent: “Well, I was up until 2:30, haven’t eaten for two days, and walked to school in a driving rain with no coat.”
You: “Oh yeah? I was up until 6:00 when I woke up, haven’t eaten in five years, and came to school in sub-zero cold with pneumonia.”
Opponent: “Darn, can’t top that.”
The last, most fulfilling kind of complaining is with one friend about a mutual friend whom everyone hates. All you need to do is find a minor idiosyncrasy, and expand it until the person could be likened to Hitler. Example:
You: “Don’t you just hate Sally’s new shoes?”
Friend 1: “Yeah, she looks really trashy! Where did she get them?
Friend 2: “I heard that she got them on sale at Shoe Shack.”
Friend 1: “At a five-finger discount, I bet!”
You: “Well, I heard that she got the last Suzy Skimpy Miniskirt at Fashion Or Else because she told Billy Nixon, who works there, that if he didn’t save her one, she’d say he got her pregnant.”
Friend 2: “Wow, those skirts sold out in five minutes!”
Friend 1: “Well, I feel bad for Bob; he thinks that she’s faithful to him. Just yesterday I heard her break their study date, then I saw her at the mall with Chris.”
You: “I don’t like the attitude that she’s getting, and I think someone should do something.”
Friend 2: “You’re right, let’s not talk to her anymore.”
Friend 1: “Even better, let’s tell Bob that she’s added Larry to her entourage of men.”
You: “Yeah, she deserves it.”
Friend 2: “Especially Larry’s breath.”
5. Be versed in the art of tricking your gym teacher. A recent national poll of high school teenagers revealed that gym teachers are the most hated out of all adults. The very nature of their position makes us hate them; they force us to change our clothes, run around for a while, then shower while they grade us on it.
An excuse that works is lack of gym clothes. To pull this one off, you really have to look the part. Respectfully approach your gym teacher with your best Eddie Haskel face on.
You: “Um, excuse me, Mr. Jockenstein? I don’t have my clothes because I took them home, and-”
Mr. Jockenstein: “Let me guess, your dog ate them?”
You: “No, sir. I wanted to surprise you by having my gym clothes washed and pressed like you told us, but they shrunk in the dryer. I would hate to miss any more of my favorite class, so my mother is taking me this afternoon to get new ones.”(smile earnestly)
Mr. Jockenstein: “Well, all right, I won’t mark you down for today.
So, are you ready for high school now? Surviving isn’t as hard as it sounds, and besides, you have all the information you need to get through it. Now walk a little faster or get out of the way; I have to go lie about computers.
