The Kiss
© 2001

I sat there next to her staring at the ground. I guess part of me knew 
this was coming, I just didn't want to believe it. "You'll make someone 
a good girlfriend someday," she said to me.

"Kellie, don't do this," I protested.

"I have to," Kellie whispered.

"Why do you have to?"

"You're so young, Shawn. You need to experience life, not settle for 
the first one to come along."

"But what do you think I'm doing?" I said. "I mean, I'm on tour with 
the Backstreet Boys. Isn't that experiencing enough of life?"

Kellie sighed. "That's another thing. With you gone almost all the 
time, we really don't get to see each other."

"Kellie, don't do this," I pleaded again.

"Shawn, I have to." With those parting words, the love of my life 
walked away from me. The hot salty tears fell from my eyes before I 
knew they were coming. I sat there on the curb; face buried in my 
hands, shoulders slumped sobbing. I didn't even hear Krystal walk up 
behind me.

"She dumped you?" Krystal said with such compassion that it made break 
into a fresh batch of tears. "I take that as a yes," she replied, 
sitting down beside me. Krystal was the only one who knew I had a 
girlfriend; everyone else thought I was seeing a guy. "Aw, Shawn, don't 
cry." She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into her 
chest. I sniffed and wiped the tears with the back of my hand. "Don't 
think of this as bad."

"What is it with you and your positive attitude about everything?" I 
practically yelled. I immediately felt bad for yelling at the one who 
was trying to comfort me. "Sorry," I whispered.

Krystal smiled. "Because everything is a positive, it just depends on 
how you look at it." I sniffed again.

Behind me, I heard a commotion. Turning around slightly, I saw five men 
running towards the bus nearby. "Com on Krystal, Shawn. The bus is a 
leavin'," one of them called out. I smiled weakly as Krystal grabbed my 
hand and pulled me to my feet. We chased after the men and ran up the 
stairs onto the tour bus. I found it odd that we were all cramming onto 
one bus. Granted the buses could hold up to twelve people, though not 
in complete comfort, but there were three buses reserved specifically 
for the acts and that wasn't counting Shaggy's entourage. The five men 
and each of their personal bodyguards usually split themselves two and 
three and took two buses. That left on bus for Krystal, her manager and 
bodyguard, though she didn't really need him. Being a stage manager, I 
didn't usually ride with the performers, but there were rare instances 
that I would ride with Krystal.

When the doors closed behind me, Krystal whispered in my ear, "I told 
'em that you were going to need your friends tonight." Her breath on my 
ear sent a chill down my spine. The feeling made me smile a real smile.

"So the jerk finally dumped you, huh?" AJ McLean asked plopping down on 
a sofa across from me as Billy, the driver, maneuvered the large 
vehicle out into the caravan. It would now be five hours till the next 
stop. Five hours talking about my newly broken heart. I didn't know if 
I'd last.

"Kyle's not a jerk," I replied, referring to Kellie by her last name. I 
had to remember not to blow my cover with the guys. None of them know 
that I dated women and I intended to keep it that way. My family had 
already abandoned me on it. They had accidentally walked in on Kellie 
and I the day before I went on this last leg of the tour. Not only was 
she a woman but she was also eight years older than I. She had flown 
out from Las Vegas to see me before I left. At that time we were both 
under the impression that the tour wouldn't be stopping in Vegas again. 
Then they had squeezed it in.

"Of course he's a jerk," Brian Littrell commented, pulling a soda out 
of the min-fridge. "He dumped a beautiful young girl like yourself." I 
grinned. Brian was always flirting with me, even though he was married.

"Yeah, they're right," Howie Dorough commented. "I mean, look at all 
you did for him. Flowers, cards. How long were you guys together 
again?"

I was starting to lose it again. I could feel the tears forming in my 
eyes again. Krystal tightened her grip around my shoulder. "A little 
more than a year," I said, trying to keep the tears from falling. "I 
don't think I can do this guys," I said, sniffing, attempting to keep 
the tears from falling.

"Aw, we're sorry," Krystal said, tilting my head on her shoulder. 
"We'll talk about it when you're ready, okay?"

"Sorry, Shawn," Brian said like Donald Duck. I had to smile at that. 
Him sounding like my favorite Disney character was always refreshing. 
He didn't know that Donald was my favorite character until I told him, 
but since he found out, he always talked like the famous duck when I 
was upset.

I walked back to the rear of the bus and threw myself down on the sofa, 
crying. I reached over and grabbed the remote on the floor and turned 
on the stereo. Krystal's "Me and My Piano" was in and I skipped it up 
to the eighth track, not really knowing where I was going on the CD. 
That's when the phrase, "When you came into my life I was so young, but 
not that it was your fault," came out of the speakers. It sent me into 
a new fit of tears. I must have lain there on my stomach with my right 
arm dangling towards the floor for an hour before anyone dared enter 
the back. That first person was AJ. He came in and sat down on the 
couch beside me, rubbing my back. Most girls would have died for that. 
Me, I didn't really care. He wasn't what I was looking for.

"I know it's hard," he said softly. "You'll get used to it."

I rolled over and stared up at him. "Used to what? Used to being 
lonely? Used to being dumped? Used to what?"

AJ must have realized he said something stupid. That was the problem 
with men. All the good ones were either taken or dead. And then the 
semi-good ones acted dumb. That's why I didn't date men. His face told 
the story that he felt dumb and I just smiled at him weakly. My heart 
hurt, but not quite as bad as when my family had forced me out. I 
didn't want to tell them the truth, but after my younger brother had 
walked in on Kellie and I, I couldn't hide it any longer. I guess AJ 
was right about one thing. I would get used to it. I guess I was just 
destined to be alone.

AJ sat with me for a half-hour, not saying much, just sitting there. 
When I had finally exhausted all my tears, I got up and walked with AJ 
to the front of the bus. Everyone was up there eating chicken noodle 
soup. "Come on Shawn, sit with us," Howie said, scooting over to allow 
me to sit next to him. When I sat down Brian pushed a bowl of soup in 
front of me.

I stared at the soup before pushing it away. "I'm not hungry," I said 
unconvincingly.

"Good, more for me," Nick said, grabbing for the bowl.

I didn't tell them that Kellie, or Kyle as they knew her, was my first 
in everything. My first kiss, my first love, my first encounter, 
everything. Kellie was teaching me things, things that I didn't know 
about being in love. And now she was gone. I got up and headed back 
towards the rear of the bus again. This time I claimed a bunk on the 
bottom of the last row. I knew Nick would more than likely take the one 
above me and I really didn't care. I just wanted to sleep, for about 
ten years or until the pain went away.

And sleep was what I did for three days. When I wasn't working as a 
stagehand, I was sleeping. I just didn't want to experience anything at 
that point. I stopped eating for those three days as well. Everyone 
knew what I was doing, but they let me go through it, not saying much.  
When I finally did stop being depressed and when back to my usual 
romantic, thoughtful self, everyone was happy. It was my first night 
back to being my normal self when I really noticed Krystal. We had been 
friends for a long time now. In fact, I was even in the booth with her 
when she recorded "Me and My Piano." I felt happy knowing that she 
would be there for me no matter what. I wanted to show her how I felt. 
Racking my brain for something to do, I came up with answer the 
following morning.

By this point in the tour, things should have been winding down, but 
they weren't. The Boys had rescheduled a month of dates because AJ had 
gone into rehab. So I still got to spend the rest of the year with 
them, and Krystal. That morning, as I was walking out of the hotel to 
go find some place that had decent bagels, I saw a yellow rose bush. I 
remembered something from my acting days back in high school. My older 
sister had always given me a yellow rose for luck before every 
performance. That night before we had to report to the arena, I went 
and bought a single yellow rose. Racing to the venue, I placed it on 
her piano right across the keys before she got there. There was also a 
note that said, "Good luck tonight. Love Shawn." I happened to be off 
in one of the wings when she found it. She smiled and then came over to 
hug me. When she wrapped her arms around me, my heart melted. It felt 
really good. It was the first thing in a long time that had felt that 
way.

When she finished her set and came back into her dressing room, she 
found a dozen pink roses. She knew they were from me, mainly because I 
was standing in the doorway when she got there. She didn't believe that 
I was doing this. "Shawn, you're spending way too much money on me," 
she claimed.

"No I'm not," I told her. "For all you've done for me, I could never 
repay you."

"But all I've done is been your friend."

"That's all you had to do." She hugged me again and I knew then that I 
wanted to keep getting those wonderful hugs, no matter what the cost.

For the remainder of the US leg of the tour, the pattern repeated. I 
left a single yellow rose on her piano before the final sound check and 
then a dozen pink roses in her dressing room after her set. For no 
reason, I'd leave her cards on her pillow in her bunk or stuffed 
animals. I couldn't help myself. I loved having her right there with me 
and I loved doing things like this. I took her out for dinner one night 
and completely paid for it. She thought I was being way too forward 
with my money, knowing I didn't get paid a lot while on tour. I just 
had to reassure her that she was worth it. Granted, I was spending 
practically everything I had on her. I didn't really care. Although it 
had only been a few weeks really since Kellie had left me, I felt like 
I was falling in love with Krystal. I think I had been in love with her 
for a long time.

Krystal always accepted my tokens with open arms and a warm heart, 
never once forgetting to thank me or making me twist her arm to take 
them. She was always very gracious, always telling me that I didn't 
need to and that she wasn't worth all the attention I was paying her. 
In the end, she always accepted my gifts and even gave a few of her 
own: CDs of my favorite artists, cards and other special treats, like 
allowing me to sing back up for her one night.

Our relationship, whatever it was, was never more than just friendship. 
I wasn't going to allow my feelings for my beloved K-girl to compromise 
the wonderful thing we had going. I didn't want to scare her off 
either. I knew she was dating her manager, and didn't float the same 
way I did. Plus, I didn't want to alarm the guys. I hoped that if the 
truth ever was known, they would accept me no matter what, but then 
again, I had thought the same thing about my family.

Finally, December came. We were finishing up in the middle of the month 
so we could all go home to our families, at least that was what 
everyone else was doing. This was going to be my first Christmas 
without my family. I wasn't looking forward to it. I had slipped into 
another short span of depression and spent most of my time sleeping 
again.  No one knew why, not even Krystal, for I had never told her 
that my family had disowned me for what I had become.

She came to me the night before my twenty-first birthday. We were 
staying a hotel and had a gig the next night in that town. This was 
also going to be my first birthday without my family. I really did not 
like the month of December. I was lying on my bed, not crying, but just 
thinking when there was a knock on my door. I got up and trudged to the 
door, heaving the heavy wooden frame open. My heart leapt to my throat 
when I saw my lovely K-girl standing in the doorway with the harsh 
hotel back-lighting her like an angel. She saw my lowered state of mind 
hiding in my eyes and reached out, engulfing me in a hug that I wished 
would never end. When it finally did, I wanted to cry. I allowed her 
into my room and then flung myself on my bed again.

"What's up Shawn-baby?" she asked me. I loved it when she called me 
that. It actually made me believe that we were something more than 
friends, if only for a moment. She sat down on the edge of the bed, 
looking at me.

"My birthday starts in," I glanced over at the clock, "thirty odd 
minutes."

"Yeah, so? You turn twenty-one."

I sighed. "Yeah, and this past year has been one helluva year. My 
family has disowned me. I have no place to go for the holidays and this 
is my first of what will more than likely be many birthdays alone."

Krystal lied down on her side, our faces only inches away from each 
other. I tried to slow my rapid beating heart, afraid that she could 
hear the thumping in my chest. My mind kept telling me to kiss her, but 
I couldn't. I didn't want to spoil what we had. "So what if it has," 
she said softly. Her breath was on my face and I thought I was in 
heaven. "Why not make this birthday the start of a new year? I know New 
Year's isn't for a few weeks, but start early."

I closed my eyes, not really to think about what she had said, but more 
to keep me from thinking the thoughts that were raging through my head. 
What she said made sense. But then again, her optimism cut me down 
again. She was always so damn optimistic. It killed me. "Krystal," I 
said softly.

"Hm," she replied.

I opened my eyes and stared at her. I needed to tell her before my 
heart broke even more. Every passing day that I didn't say it, I felt 
torn apart. I heaved a great sigh and then whispered, "I love you."

I watched for Krystal's reaction, which I was expecting to be shock and 
repulsion, but it wasn't. She smiled at me softly and whispered back, 
"I know."

"You know?" I replied shocked, sitting up.

She nodded, sitting up beside me. "I kinda figured after the roses and 
the dinners. At first I thought it was because you were lonely..." She 
paused, obviously considering what to say. "But then, I noticed the way 
you looked at me when I was on stage and off for that matter. And then 
how you were always looking for a hug from me or linking arms. Shawn, 
you were obvious." My face fell. If Krystal knew, then the rest of the 
guys had to know. Krystal placed her palms together before continuing. 
"But then again, there's a difference between guys and girls." She 
sighed. "When a girl hugs another girl, no one thinks about it. They 
think they're friends. Same with giving me flowers and taking me to 
dinner. But if we were men, there might be some raised eyebrows." She 
reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry," she told 
me. "Everyone knows we're friends and nothing more."

I wanted to cry when she said those words. I knew she had a boyfriend, 
but there was always that glimmer of hope that I would come between 
them. I looked up into her green eyes and leaned over. I wasn't 
expecting her to lean forward as well. I closed my eyes, intent on 
kissing her. My lips brushed hers and I thought I had died. They were 
so soft and tender. There was just enough pressure to call it a real 
kiss and not a "phony, best friend" type of kiss. I don't know what 
Krystal was seeing, but behind my closed eyelids I was seeing 
fireworks, sparks, stars and blue glow sticks all rolled into one. I 
heard everything going on around us, even though I was completely 
engrossed in the lips gently pressed to mine. So I heard when the door 
to my room opened and five men shouted "Happy Birthday!" Krystal and I 
broke apart at that point, both of us embarrassed. I looked at the 
doorful of people, just in time to see Brian faint.

The guys were quick to move him into the room without saying anything, 
but I knew it was coming. A few minutes later when Brian woke up from 
his shock-induced nap, he managed to stutter, "Shawn, I...I thought I 
saw you and Krystal..."

I just nodded my head at him and sat down on the floor near him. 
Everyone else joined me. "You did, Brian. Krystal and I were kissing."

"But why?" Nick asked me.

"Because I love her," I remarked, closing my eyes momentarily.

"Like in a best friend type of way," he probed. I knew the guys all 
cared for each other and loved each other like brothers and this was 
what Nick was trying to get at.

I wiped my eye, even though there was nothing there. "More like the way 
you love Tiffany," I replied, referring to his girlfriend.

AJ stared at me. "But that would mean that you're a..."

I blinked. "Please tell me you were going to say lesbian or homosexual 
and not some derogatory term." He nodded.

"No it doesn't," Kevin protested.

Turning to him, I replied, "Yes, it does, Kevin." I looked at Krystal 
who nodded. "It's time to tell you guys the truth. Yes, I am a lesbian. 
I prefer women over men and Kyle wasn't Kyle. Kyle was Kellie." I 
sighed, suddenly feeling so much better for getting it out.

I waited. I waited for them to leave or condemn me, especially Brian or 
Kevin or even Howie. I waited to be fired. I waited for anything. I 
waited and they just stared. They said nothing, did nothing. Krystal 
reached over and grabbed my hand, knowing that this was difficult for 
me.

"So does this mean that you and Krystal are an item?" Howie asked 
finally.

I shook my head and glanced into Krystal's green eyes. "Not unless 
that's what she wants. Lord knows it's what I want, but no, we're not."

"When did you know?" Brian asked, sensing that this wasn't just some 
birthday revelation I had had.

"Second grade, I think." Everyone, including Krystal, was shocked. I 
smiled. "We had this teacher. Miss Delinger. All the guys in the class 
had a crush on her. I did too. I just never told anyone."

"So when did you start telling people?" AJ inquired.

I sighed. "Well, I wasn't planning on telling anyone. Throughout high 
school I never dated, except for prom. Went with my best friend, Jimmy, 
just to make our parents happy. The only reason anyone knows is because 
my brother walked in on Kellie and I in April. I was kicked out of my 
house, disowned by my family, and then I went on tour with you guys. 
And AJ, when you went into rehab in July, I went and stayed with 
Kellie. I had no other place to go."

Brian tucked his legs up underneath him. I watched him carefully, 
afraid of him rejecting me. I knew it had to be hard on him, on all of 
them. "You have no place to go for the holidays?" he finally asked.

"No, I don't," I admitted. I reached out to take his hand in mine and 
he pulled back from me. "Brian, please don't do this. I need someone. 
You're not going to catch it. It's not a disease."

"It's just I've never..."

"It's okay Brian. I feel bad about this. I feel awful for having to lie 
to you guys for so long about it and for having you find out the way 
you did. I'm sorry. Could you find it in your hearts to forgive me?"

I watched a silent exchange happen between them in their eyes. Krystal 
reached over and took my hand again, squeezing it slightly, telling me 
that she would always be there for me. I think she understood that I 
needed more than just her acceptance. After a moment, Howie looked at 
me and said, "I think I speak for all the guys when I say you're the 
best damn stage manger we've had. Of course we forgive you. And it 
doesn't matter if you're gay, straight or bi, we still want you on 
staff." I closed my eyes and nodded, willing the tears not to fall.

Krystal leaned over and hugged me and before I knew it, I had all five 
Backstreet Boys with their arms around me as well.