Supergirl
© 2001

I walked out the back door and into the full parking lot. Around me 
were just about every type of vehicle, all parked and waiting. I stared 
up into the night sky trying to discern the stars from the lights of 
the surrounding town. Here it was, another night, another town, another 
crowd of young screaming hormone filled girls. It was summer, and I 
hated summer. I liked being cold. But then again, everyone I worked 
with thought I was nuts because if it was eighty degrees or below, I 
was in jeans and a sweatshirt or jacket. I crossed my arms and stared 
at the sky. Turning in circle's slowly, I heard the familiar sounds of 
the show that I had seen all too many times start. The opening act 
would just be finishing up her autograph session, meaning she'd 
probably start looking for me. She'd find me soon enough.

I had just lowered myself down onto the ground, pulling my knees up to 
my chest when I heard her walk up. "What are you doing out here?" she 
asked me. I tilted my head back and looked up at her. Even upside down 
she was stunning. Short black hair, a nose ring, green eyes, if I was a 
guy, I'd be jealous of her manager-boyfriend. Well, I was a girl and I 
was jealous of her boyfriend. She was in all black, like myself. Black 
shiny vinyl pants with a matching black vinyl jacket. Her top was black 
with a red sequined design on it. She was in high heeled boots that 
were so polished you could almost eat off of them.

"Oh just thinking," I commented, pretending to stare up at the stars 
and not her eyes.

"Yeah right," she said, sitting down beside me. "So what are you 
thinking about?"

I sighed and looked over at her. "Just stuff."

The woman beside me giggled. "Stuff like Nick? Stuff like AJ?" she 
teased.

I took both my hands and slapped her shoulder. "Krystal," I groaned. 
Krystal Harris was the opening act for the Backstreet Boys and my 
closest friend on the Black and Blue World Tour.

She held up her hands. "What? You're always thinking about those two. 
And you can't forget your little Latin Loverboy. Come on, Shawn. So 
what's the deal?"

I smiled slightly before staring at her again and telling her, "You 
know your song, 'Supergirl'?"

"Yeah?"

"I feel like that sometimes."

"How so?"

I sighed. "I have dreams. Dreams that I'm flying. I've thought about 
it. I think it means that I want freedom. I feel trapped."

"How do you feel trapped?" Krystal asked me. "I mean, you've got just 
about everything you could ever want here."

"Yeah, I know, but it just doesn't feel right anymore."

Krystal stared at me. "Are you leaving the tour? I don't think the guys 
could get along without you."

I grinned and stared at the ground before looking up into her eyes. 
"No. I could never leave the tour and all of you. I'm just thinking, 
that's all."

"Good," Krystal laughed.

I leaned my head on her shoulder. "I don't think I could ever leave you 
K-girl."

Krystal wrapped her arm around my shoulder and patted my shoulder. "I 
know." Krystal and I stayed there for a bit, just staring at the stars 
and then she got up to head back inside. "The guys'll be changing soon. 
You know they'll wanna see you."

I smiled. "No. I wanna see them," I laughed. Krystal joined me in my 
hysteria and then headed inside. I stayed outside and waited. I didn't 
want to seem too anxious about seeing my favorite band in their half-
dressed states.

I stood up, about ready to go inside when I felt someone come up beside 
me. Glancing briefly at the tall man out of the corner of my eye, I 
started inside. "Where do you think you're going?" the man said 
gruffly.

"Inside," I replied, thinking it was Danny, one of the drivers.

"No you're not," another man said, suddenly appearing on the other side 
of me.

"Yes I am," I replied and started to push past the two big men. They 
grabbed me by my arms and picked me up off the ground. I swung my feet 
trying to kick them, but to no avail. A third man came up behind me and 
put a pillowcase over my head, keeping me from seeing or screaming. I 
just rolled my eyes and went limp, hoping they would set me down so I 
could get away. My idea didn't work. I was carried off and shoved in a 
van. I knew it was a van, manly because I had ridden with the band in 
their vans. Once inside the vehicle, I felt a sharp prick in my arm. I 
fought to remain conscious, but in the end losing the battle and 
drifting off into the comforting blackness, knowing that whatever was 
going to happen, I wasn't going to feel it until I woke up, which I 
hoped that I would wake up in Krystal's arms, or at least AJ's.

It seemed like I had only been out for a few hours when I finally 
started to come out of my dreamless sleep. There was someone beside me, 
lifting my head. Through blurry eyes he looked like Brian, but I knew 
it couldn't be. I tried to focus, but couldn't, tried to speak, but 
found it futile.

"Shh, don't say anything," came the familiar Southern accent. "You need 
to eat something."

I blinked again, this time making out Brian's blue eyes. I jumped, 
startled by what I saw and pushed my way away from his hands. I was 
lying on one of the sofas in a bus so I pushed my way up against a 
wall, shaking my head. "Wh...wh..." I squeaked, unable to form words.

Brian smiled slightly at me and placed a bowl of soup on the counter 
behind him. "It's okay Shawn. It's me, Brian." I shook my head at him, 
not believing a word he said. "Trust me. You're back home. Back with 
us. It's okay."

I felt the bus lurch to a stop and saw the soup in the bowl on the 
counter slosh over the sides. The doors to the bus whooshed open and 
four men and a short woman came rushing in. The short woman was my 
friend Krystal. The man beside me was Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell. 
The other four were Kevin Richardson, Howie Dorough, Nick Carter and AJ 
McLean. My eyes were still blurry but I could make out my K-girl. I 
reached out for her and she took my hand. "Shawn-baby you had us 
worried," she said. I smiled weakly up at her.

"We're so glad you're awake," AJ said sitting down on the end of the 
sofa.

"How...how long..." I whispered. My throat was raw and I found it 
difficult to speak.

"You've been missing for three weeks," Kevin said gently.

"Three weeks?" I practically shouted.

Krystal put her hand on my shoulder. "Don't," she said firmly. "You'll 
hurt yourself." I looked at her and then at each of the five men, 
staring into their eyes before continuing on down the line. "Why don't 
you sit up here and have some soup?" Krystal asked me, gently pulling 
me up to the table across from me. "You know Brian makes the best 
chicken noodle." I smiled again and sat there while Brian fished for a 
spoon in the sink. I watched as he put the end in his mouth and sucked 
it clean and then presented it to me. I closed my eyes and shook my 
head at him.

Howie stared at him and then reached into the drawer and pulled out a 
fresh spoon for me. I smiled my thanks and slowly started eating the 
soup before me. It had felt like I hadn't eaten in months, but in the 
same instance my entire body ached. Just holding the spoon made my 
fingers hurt. Krystal slid in the booth beside me and set a hand on my 
knee. Howie and Brian slid across from me while Nick joined AJ on the 
sofa and Kevin leaned on the counter. "We've missed you Shawn," Howie 
said. I looked up at him before going back to attempting to devour my 
soup as if it was my last meal. Holding the bowl with my other hand I 
disregarded the spoon and picked up the still warm soup and poured it 
down my throat. The warmth of the broth soothed my aching throat, but 
not enough so that I could talk yet. When I handed the bowl to Kevin, 
pleading with my eyes for more, I noticed my hands. They were almost 
black. I looked down at my body at that point and was shocked. My 
clothes were tattered, barely hanging on my body. Every inch of me was 
covered in mud. There were clumps of dried mud in my hair. I wasn't 
wearing any shoes and I could feel the dirt between my toes. I looked 
at Krystal with tears in my eyes.

"We didn't want to disturb you," she said to me. "We each took turns 
watching over you. You've been asleep on this bus for a little more 
than a day." I just continued to stare at her. "Just finish eating. 
I'll help you clean up after that, okay?" I nodded and took the now 
full bowl back from Kevin and quickly drank up the warm soup. Once I 
finished, Krystal took my hand and stood up. "Guys," she said to the 
men on the bus. They all quickly vacated claiming some excuse or not 
saying anything at all. Once all the male prying eyes were gone, 
Krystal helped me out of my rags and ran some warm water in the sink. 
She placed a towel down on the sofa and told me to sit down. Running a 
warm damp cloth over my shoulders, back, and arms, I felt the dirt 
slide away. She ran the cloth over my breasts, which sent chills down 
my spine. Oh how I wished she wasn't involved with her manager. She 
helped me clean up, even washing my hair in the sink for me being I 
could barely lift my arms. "We'll be at a hotel sometime later in the 
day," she said, rinsing my hair. "Then you can take a real shower." I 
smiled up at her as she ran her hands through my long dark hair. 
Wrapped in a towel, with another one holding my wet hair up off my 
neck, we walked down the corridor to the back where Krystal had some of 
her clothes stashed. It was great that we were the same size.

"What happened?" I finally asked, trying to hold the towel on my head.

Krystal sighed as she dug through a suitcase. "Well, you never came in 
that night in Tacoma. I thought you just wanted some more time to 
yourself, but then when you didn't show up by the end, we all started 
to worry. I went back out into the parking lot and found your anklet. I 
knew something was wrong." She tossed out a pair of sweats and I 
quickly stepped into them, totally ignoring the fact that I didn't have 
any underwear. Once I was dressed, I sat down on the floor and Krystal 
sat down beside me. "We couldn't report you missing for twenty-four 
hours and by that time we were in Portland. Instead of calling local 
PD; we called in the FBI, we had to. Three days after you had 
disappeared, we were in Bakersfield, we received a ransom note. 
Apparently your kidnappers were following us. That was the only contact 
we heard from them. They wanted something like a couple million for you 
and they wanted it by the end of the month. They never took the money. 
Instead, we found you here on the sofa the other day when we got back 
on the bus after the show. We let you sleep. That's all we know."

I sighed. I didn't remember anything that had gone on. I remembered 
being injected with something, but other than that, it was a blank. "I 
dunno what happened to me," I confessed softly.

"That's okay," Krystal said. "You don't have to know right away Shawn-
baby. You can stay with me."

"Thanks," I replied. Getting up, I carefully walked towards the front 
of the bus. "Where are we?"

"Just on a stop for now."

"I'm gonna go see the guys."

"Do you want me to come with?"

I looked at her over my shoulder. "Nah, I think I can handle it." 
Walking slowly I made it to the door and headed outside into the 
sunshine. The Backstreet Boys were right outside.

"Hey Shawn-baby," AJ said, stepping towards me. "Feeling better?"

I nodded and reached up to hug AJ realizing I hurt. Nick then placed a 
hand on my back and I turned around and hugged him. "I'm so glad you're 
up," Nick said. I smiled when I pulled back.

I then looked at Howie who engulfed me in one of his famous hugs 
whispering in my ear, "Shawn-baby, please don't disappear like that 
again. You scared me."

"Don't worry Dee, I won't," I said softly. I knew they were trying to 
size up whom I would sleep with that night, but I wasn't going to tell 
them yet.

Days passed. I went back to my duties on the tour, still not 
remembering what had happened during those three weeks or who had done 
it to me. Then it happened one night. The Boys were going into the last 
set and I was standing off with my beloved K-girl watching them. We had 
our arms linked just listening to the group as they broke out into 
perfect harmony. They probably could have done the entire show a 
cappella; they were that good, but always opted for backing.

When everyone had come off the stage, Kevin reached over and touched my 
shoulder. He was just going to say something to me like always, but it 
didn't come out like that. In my mind I saw someone pushing me up 
against a wall. I screamed and then shielded myself as though I was 
going to get hit. I sank to the floor and there I stayed, unmoving, 
screaming anytime one of the Boys or their band or security tried to 
touch me. I shook uncontrollably and only with Krystal's help, was I 
even able to make it back to the bus. For days I stayed curled up on 
the sofa in Krystal's bus. When I slept, I dreamed of what had 
happened. When I was awake, I shook with fear, afraid that someone 
would come and hurt me again. I didn't attend the shows anymore, 
neglected my duties as a stage manager and had virtually given up. The 
Boys would come in, usually one at a time and sit with me, trying to 
coax me to talk. Nothing worked. No one could touch me. Even my dear K-
girl's touch bothered me at times.

Finally, one night before Krystal's set, I made it to the arena. She 
saw me and seemed to play her heart out because she knew I was there. 
Afterwards, she skipped the autograph signing instead to spend time by 
my side with the Boys. I told them that after the show, when we got 
back to the hotel, I would tell them what had happened to me, but they 
had to promise not to kill anyone.

After the show, which seemed to drag on and on for an eternity, we all 
went back to the hotel. Meeting in a room and asking only for water and 
to be left alone, the seven of us curled up on the beds and in chairs. 
I sat cross-legged on one of the beds staring at the comforter beneath 
me trying to figure out how to them. They all sat in silence, Krystal 
right beside me, as they waited.

Finally, after several minutes, I opened my mouth and was surprised at 
what came out. "I was locked in a van the entire time," I whispered, 
kissing the air with my breath. "If I was ever out of the van, one of 
my four captors was with me. We followed you guys for the three weeks 
that I was gone. It was almost as if they were mocking me. I was raped 
God only knows how many times. It was always right outside one of the 
shows or the hotels. Always in the van. I'm really surprised no one 
noticed.

"Tied down, held down, pretending to be asleep, it didn't matter. If I 
screamed, I was slapped, beaten or raped again. Nothing mattered. In 
those three weeks, I learned to expect it and accept it. I wasn't 
getting away. I tried a couple of times. I didn't get very far. And 
when I was caught, they raped me all night long, each taking turns, 
thinking it was funny.

"It was as though they got a kick out of doing it right under your 
noses. It was like they knew I had the hots for you guys. Sometimes 
they'd make me scream; force me to scream your names. They had no 
mercy. I had very few breaks. One of them almost always had their 
finger or their dick in me. I never really knew if I was coming or 
going." I paused and looked up at all of them. No one said a word, at 
least not right away.

Howie was the first to break the silence. "Do you know who they were?"

"No. I never saw their faces. It was always dark. If we were driving, I 
was drugged."

Krystal placed her arm around my shoulder and pulled me into her chest. 
"Aw, Shawn-baby. I'm sorry."

"What's there to be sorry about K-girl?" I asked, sitting up and 
looking at her.

"If I hadn't have left you, this wouldn't have happened."

I stared at her and then at each of the men in the room. "It's not your 
fault Krystal. It's no one's fault. I just happened to be in the wrong 
place at the wrong time."

Brian met my gaze and said, "Do you believe that?"

Glancing away from his piercing blue eyes, I commented, "Yes I do."

"Then look me in the eyes when you say that."

I lifted my head to look at him. Staring at him, I stuttered, 
"I...I...I can't Brian." I turned away from him.

"It's because you don't believe it."

Glaring at him, I yelled, "No, I don't believe it! If I had just gone 
in with Krystal, none of this would have happened. Hell, if I weren't 
even out there, then there would have been no way they could have 
gotten to me."

AJ got up from his spot on the other bed and placed a hand on my 
shoulder. "Yeah, maybe that's true. But God doesn't just let these 
things happen."

I scowled. "You mean to tell me this was all apart of God's plan?"

Kevin walked over to me. "It never is. But think about it this way. 
They brought you back. Why?"

"Because they were tired of me," I spat.

Kevin shook his head. "No. It was a miracle. More than likely they 
could have killed you. That is probably what they were after, not the 
money. But they didn't. You're still here."

"But I've been violated."

"But it wasn't your fault. God gave us free will. What people choose to 
do with that freedom is up to them. The Lord can only guide them, if 
they let Him." Kevin paused. "Why were you out there that night?"

I stared at the flowered pattern beneath me and picked at the imaginary 
lint. "I was looking for answers," I admitted.

Brian stood next to his cousin. "To what questions?"

I sighed. "About where I should be. I kept dreaming I was flying. I 
wanted to know what it meant."

"What do you think it meant?"

"I thought at the time that it meant I wanted freedom. But all I got 
was controlled," I sobbed. I suddenly realized what the dream was 
telling me. "The flying meant I was vulnerable. It meant that I needed 
help."

Brian stroked the tears falling down my cheek. "That's right," he said. 
"And we're all here to help you."

The next night at the show, I was actually dressed up. AJ had told me 
that it would make me feel better; like a different person. He was 
right. I did feel different. As I was standing there, watching Krystal 
up on the stage, I thought she looked beautiful. She walked back 
towards me and grabbed a stool and an extra microphone with a stand and 
I stared at her. She just winked. Placing the items out on the stage 
near her gorgeous white piano, she said to the crowd, "The next song 
I'm going to do is called 'Supergirl'." The crowd yelled. When the 
yelling stopped, she continued, "One of my best friends, who also 
happens to sing backup for me most of the time, really is a Supergirl. 
She's been through a rough spot in her life and has flown through with 
all the strength of some one from another planet." I grinned. "There 
was no Kryptonite in her bag. I would really appreciate it if she would 
come out here and back me up on this song. So please give a warm 
welcome to my friend Shawn."

I shook my head and stared at the ground, grinning. Looking at Krystal, 
taking her spot behind the keys, she winked at me again. I continued to 
grin as I walked out onto that stage in front of the fifteen thousand 
people. A spotlight hit me and I took my place on the stool, turning my 
body slightly so that I could see my K-girl play. When she finished the 
song, she then did something that wasn't even apart of her usual set. 
She started playing "You're the Reason" on her piano. Nodding at me to 
sing, I sang. I knew I was nowhere near as perfect or as wonderful as 
she was, but she took the chorus, changing the words to her favorite 
ones "Me and my Piano." By the end of the song, I knew exactly what she 
was trying to tell me. Not only did she care about me, but I had five 
brothers backstage who were all there for me as well. I was going to 
beat this, and they were all there for me.