dear mommy



dear mommy

i remember coming home from school that day. walking home with my heavy bag biting into my shoulders, the extra lead weights you added that morning caused the thin straps to rub harder on my already raw shoulders. i was afraid of what you would do to me mommy, when you saw the bright red blood stain on my white t-shirt. i knew i couldnt tell you it was my bag that made my shoulders bleed so, you would only add more weights.

i remember walking home so well mommy. it was hailing that day, the hard ice pellets brusing my thin frail body through my worn t-shirt, my arms bare to the harsh impacts. walking though the slush in my threadbare boots, the holes filled with old newspapers because iw as not good enough for new boots. i wanted to run away mommy, but i knew you would find me. you always did and i didnt think i could live through another punishment on 50 lashes with your old slave whip.

i remember finally reaching our house, so far away from the neighbours. you always said we were so distant to keep us from getting sick. but i know the truth now mommy. we lived so far away so no one could hear our screams.

i remember feeling so mixed up when i opened the door. i was happy to be home where it was warm and maybe i could rub the feeling back into my cold white feet. but i was scared too mommy. i was afraid you and daddy would be fighting again. i was afraid you would hurt him again, make him leave us alone for days without him. i was afraid you would be in a bad mood, that you would punish me for some imagined wrong again. i was scared of you mommy.

i remember how quiet the house was. how happy i was then. you came out of the kitchen wiping your dirty hands off on the towel and you had a smile on your face.

'daddys gone away for a while' you told me, crushing my young heart again. you looked so delighted to see my tentative smile disappear, to see the pain behind my eyes.

i remember going to my room. you always told me i was so special i needed to sleep near you, in your walk-in closet. and for a while i believed you mommy.

i remember hddling with my blanket in my sleeping corner, your fancy clothes surrounding me, tickling me every time i moved. i knew you would be angry when you found out i wasnt doing homework but i didnt care. you chased my daddy away from me mommy, how could i care?

i sat there for hours until i heard the loud clang that meant i was to come sit at the dinner table. scrambling i scrub my hands and face with the strong lye soap before i come to sit by your side like a hungry dog waiting fror scraps.

i remember entering the kitchen, seeing the huge roast on the table and thinking that tonight there might even be enough for me to have some. sitting in my small chair, i watch in amazement as you hand me a plate piled with meat. i quickly started eating, glancing at you every few seconds, wondering why i was allowed to eat today.

i remember wondering what you had done to my food. had you put laxatives in it because i was slow in getting home? was there small amounts of rat poision in it because i hadnt done my homework? or, i wondered, had you put small needles and razor blades in it because myteacher called home again, asking if everything was all right?

you looked so happy sitting there eating mommy. and you started talking about daddy and how we were better off without him....

i remember what you said mommy. you said 'im glad he was such a weak man, hes much more tender this way.' and you licked your lips. i knew then mommy. i knew some how that you killed him, and you were feeding him to me. and i knew how much you were enjoying it. eating at the table, for once sharing the same food as i was. but im not like you mommy, i didnt enjoy it like you did.

i knew mommy and i did what i had to. but no one would believe you killed my daddy and served him as roast beef. no one mommy not even my nice teacher. but you didnt care about that. you only cared that i told.

i remember it all mommy. every last detail. lucky for you mommy that i cant tell anymore.

dead people dont talk do they mommy?

Feedback

home