My salvation

'if they only knew,' i think as i dig thorugh my side table drawer again. but even as the throught crosses my mind, another stronger part of myself pushes it aside.

'never,' it sneers to me, 'you can never tell them!'

and even though i know this voice is right, even though i really do believe it, i have to ask it why.

'because they would hate u again, cast u aside like they did before.' it growls back at me, already impatient

'but maybe they could help us' i plead with the voice.

'we dont need help!' it roars back at me 'we're doing fine on our own!'

and already its dragging out the object we both sought after. my trusty blade, ripped crudely from a razor one night so long ago.

i guess the reason i started doing this started the same night. i wanted to die so badly then. after all my heart had been ripped to peices by someone i only wish i could villanize. but even now i love her so much i cant find one evil trait in her perfect body.

i wanted to dies then and, for the most part, i still do. but im afraid. not of dying, but of what comes after. so thats why i started destroying my body this way. because i die a little every night, and my heart doesnt hurt so bad or feel so empty.

but while the sane part of me has drifted off into memories, the other part of me has started. a tape of romantic piano music plays softly in the background, ready to lull me to sleep when im done. and a stick of insence burns on the other side of my room, relaxing my body.

my blade runs smoothly across my skin. it no longer hurts, this first light intrusion. six times i draw it across my skin. the number has no meaning to me any longer, but its always six times.

looking down, just the smallest lines of blood are on my leg. and the marks will be gone in a few days, leaving the skin free to a new attack.

and then the voice comes again, gleefully laughing now that its done. i know it was that voice, that dark part of me, that controlled my hand as it held the blade, but i dont care.

now, with my leg burning and throbbing, i can sleep. the pain in my body let my heart rest for a bit, makes my inner pain less. and, finally done ofr the night, i drift into a deep sleep, reunited with my love through my nightmares.

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