~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a dark and stormy night, and seated around a table were four boys.
The first had chocolate hair, the second: black, the third and fourth (who were playing footsie under the table,) had light brown and blonde hair, and the blonde was drinking tea from a dainty little cup.
All the boys were wearing baggy jeans which hung off their asses, (their boxers were showing,) Fila tennis shoes, and big puffy Fubu vests. (Your first impression would be 'Ghetto Wannabes!')
"Finally! We have.... a plan. The Slayer will pay!" Heero ranted at the head of the G-4 table.
"Pay... pay... Slayer pay..... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Quatre muttered psychotically, the tea cup and saucer in his hands shattering beneath his iron grip.
Wufei and Trowa glanced at each other, both wondering how they'd ended up with this insane bunch. Wufei shrugged as though to say, Hey, he's your ass-fucker. Don't look at me for help.
Meanwhile Quatre was now bouncing around muttering to himself. "Blood.... red, sticky Slayer blood! BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Heero was sitting in his chair, staring off into space with that impassive face of his, thinking God knows what. Suddenly he stood. "The plan commences tonight," he said and walked away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hotaru Tomoe, vampire slayer, college junior, and Italian cuisine fan, walked down the dark street leading to her apartment on Elm. She'd just finished Midnight Mass at St.Mark's Cathedral, and was looking forward to a long nap before Mythology103 in the morning.
She stopped outside her apartment building, noting the boy sitting on her stoop. He looked young, maybe 16 at the most, and was wearing torn, dirty clothes. "Hey kid, you okay?"
He looked up, and the outdoor light illuminated ebony eyes. "Well, actually...." he began, but was cut off by a savage screech to Hotaru's left. A blur came by her and knocked her down. When Hotaru's vision came back into focus and her brain stopped sloshing around she saw a boy with platinum hair, and sky blue eyes which held madness in their depths.
"Slayer...." the boy murmured, pinning her hands down, and moved to her neck, about to pierce the flesh.
Suddenly he pulled back with a scream, and jumped off of her. "Holy water?!? What the fuck!?!!"
"Well, duh, I was at church. Moron."
"What'd you do bathe in it?"
"Actually, no. I washed my face because the little boy next to me decided it would be a wonderful plan to smear jelly on my face." Hotaru informed him with a smile.
Quatre smiled dangerously, and started attacking Hotaru with vicious punches and kicks. "Hey now! That's not nice!" She yelled, and fought back in her COMBAT BOOTS.
Soon she had Quatre moving backwards, towards the watertower. She smiled when he came to stand underneath it. "Say goodnight." She murmured, and broke the watertower so that tons of water splashed down on Quatre.
"Nooooo! Quaaaaaaaatreeeeeee!" Came a yell, and another blur knocked the boy out of the way.
Trowa writhed in agony on the pavement as the BLESSED water acted like an acid and ate away his entire being. Finally all that was left were the silent boy's bones.
"No! You bitch!" Quatre cried, and proceeded to leap onto Hotaru's back and choke her.
She ran around wildly like a chicken with it's head cut off screeching, "EEEEEEEEEEEP!" Hotaru slammed him into a brick wall repeatedly, trying to do...... something. (Maybe she just liked the feel of someone pounding on her. My, what a horny little slayer we have here.)
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Quatre screamed suddenly, and lost his grip. Hotaru took the opporutunity to escape, but she turned around and looked at why exactly the psychotic tea-drinker was screaming.
It turns out that on one of her slams she'd nailed Quatre to a pitch fork hanging on the side of a building. (Why is there a pitch fork there? Who knows! It's a crazy world!) Quatre vanished into a pile of dust, which Hotaru spat on.
"Here. Have some more 'holy water'... lousy little wimp..."
Meanwhile Wufei was leaning against the wall of a building, immensely enjoying the show. He hadn't expected a weak little onna to kick their butts so easily.... but he had forgotten to take into the account that Quatre was an onna. And Trowa was a lovesick puppy. Oh well, it looks like G-4 is now G-2, he thought with a sardonic smile. He was sitting there, waiting for Heero's signal. He was out there somewhere. That much he knew....
Suddenly Hotaru was knocked to the ground (again,) by another blur. Wufei took it as his signal, and got ready for his part.
Hotaru struggled fiercely with yet another vampire. She was getting really sick of this..... I mean, come on! What did they expect her to do? She had classes tomorrow! Heero finally pinned Hotaru down and moved in to taste the thick blood which flowed through her veins. Nothing was better than Slayer blood.
He closed his mouth on the opposite side of her neck, and started to bite down only to pull back with a burnt tongue. "Jesus fucking Christ!" He looked down at the neck, only to see a carefully tattooed cross emblazed on her throat. He growled low in his throat. "Great... one side with holy water, the other with a cross. Fuck."
While Heero was busy grumbling Hotaru took advantage of his position, and shot up her left leg, hitting her target accurately. "Oooh," Heero groaned, holding his crotch tenderly.
"Haha! You should know better than to leave yourself exposed!" She smiled and began to throw punches and kicks.
"Ooof." On a particularly hard punch Heero was knocked back into a bunch of garbage cans. Trash splayed out everywhere, and Hotaru bent down to retrieve a particularly useful object.
"No. No. Please. I'll do anything. Just not that," Heero begged, eyes locked on the tiny object held in Hotaru's hand.
She threw her head back and laughed. "Now you'll learn to respect the chinese culture." She stabbed Heero Yuy through the heart with a chopstick, and instantly he was vanquished into a mound of dust.
Wufei, who had been perched from above, suddenly jumped down. Hotaru held her chopstick high and ready. "Please," he said, and bowed respectfully, "spare my life. I will do anything." He had seen this Slayer's power and was awed by it. He also didn't want to share the fate of his comrades and end up nothing more the ground up bones.
"Anything?"
"Anything." He replied.
She looked thoughtful, then turned to him. "Here's the deal: I'll spare you if....."
"If?" He asked.
"If you become my eternal love-slave."
He shrugged. "Okay." How bad could it be? I mean, she had one hot-ass body.
The two walked off, Slayer and Vampire, hand in hand. They lived a happy life of fucking for the rest of Hotaru's days. And Wufei never once regretted his decision, cuz the girl could move.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN: Told you it wasn't as funny. I tried though, so don't yell at me. I tried to end it on a melancholy, yet amusing note. I'm not sure if I suceeded. Let me know if I did. Review.
