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He had the most comforting eyes. There were times when I would stare into them and get lost in the love they held. And he always held me so close, I could have stayed in his embrace forever.
He was always there by my side. Through the good times; the bad; the really bad. He even stayed with me when I got cancer. He didn’t run away, even when I’m sure he wanted to. He held on to me tight, even as I pushed him away. Thinking back, it’s not like I gave him any reason to stay. I did everything I could to make him leave, but he never did. We weren’t married. Hell, we’d only been dating a few months. But I loved him. And he loved me, he let me know that everyday.
I never fully let him know how much I needed him. How much I loved for him to hold me. It was hard, not only for me, but for him. He wasn’t the sick one, but the disease was just as debilitating for him. He had to be the strong one. Just when all my hope would be crushed once again, there he was whispering in my ear that everything would be okay. He believed that. He made me believe it to.
It wasn’t until that last day that I knew no matter how hard he willed it, I wasn’t going to be okay. He stayed until the very end. And even some time after, I’m sure. His tear-soaked face was the last thing I saw before everything went black. It’s not that I even wanted to die, I just wanted it to be all over with. I wanted to stop hurting. I wanted him to stop hurting. He had a life. A life that I now knew I was not going to be a part of anymore. He needed to get back to that. Everything was on hold. For me. His love was amazing. He was amazing. I think God every day for the time we had. He was my little piece of Heaven on Earth.
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I always brought her tigerlilies. They were her favorite. Roses or daisies would just never do, I learned that early on.
I loved how her face lit up everytime I gave them to her. It was like she had never seen them before. Flowers were her favorite gift. She didn’t want the diamonds, pearls, or any expensive jewelry I could buy her. All she wanted was flowers. And me.
She was such an incredible person to everyone she met. But nobody knew her like I did. She was so much more than the outward beauty and dazzling smile.
Everything wasn’t perfect, I won’t pretend that. We had our ups and downs. But we loved each other, so everything always worked out for us. Then she got sick.
I didn’t know what to do, I felt helpless. I watched her slowly slip away, hoping somehow that things would all be okay. They just had to be.
She tried to make me leave, she didn’t want my pity. That’s not what it was. I loved her more than she knew, and there was no way I was letting her go through this alone. But it was hard. There were times when I would break down in the shower and just sit there silently sobbing for an eternity. I never wanted her to see the tears. She cried enough of her own, she didn’t need mine.
Near the end, I hated everyone involved. The doctors weren’t helping. The medicines only made her sicker. All the money in the world, and I couldn’t make her live. She should have been in the hospital those last few days. But she didn’t want to die there, and I didn’t want to argue. I told her she was going to be okay, but deep down I think I knew all along.
She looked at me one last time, her eyes so dim and wet with tears. And I too started to cry. Because I knew. I knew she was gone. I held her hand for a while longer. It wasn’t until my mom came in and lead me out that I thought of anything but how much I loved her.
And now my life is starting to get back on track. I still think about her. All the time. Not how she was in the end, but how she was at her best. And it makes me happy. Happy for the time we had.
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I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
Feel your heartbeat just one more time
Reaching back trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
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How do you prepare when you love someone this way
To let them go a little more each day
~
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
Cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful
~
Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it for the time we had
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My thoughts get kind of scattered
But one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you
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The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
Cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful
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The rules we set aside
The fear that we defied
The thrill of the ride
The fire in our hearts that burn
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
Cause it was beautiful
So beautiful. . .
~
~Jennifer Paige~
