Everything around her seemed so surreal as she made her way back up to his apartment. She thumbed through some papers, looked in drawers, searching for a name or a phone number of who to call. In the top drawer of the dresser, she found his wallet. The first number she came across was his mother’s. Still unsure of exactly what to say, Leila went home to somehow figure out how to tell a complete stranger that her son was dead.
* * * * *
It had only been a few days since everything had happened, but the night still seemed so fresh. She pulled into the gated community and looked around at the fabulous houses that lined the street. This was hardly what she had expected. The last house on the left, her destination, was arguably the largest on the block. She parked her car and nervously made her way up the walk. Before she could even knock, the door opened and an older woman peered out at her.
“Mrs. Harless?”
“Yes. Are you Leila?”
A smile spread across Leila’s face. “Yes. I’m sorry I’m late. My plane was delayed.”
“That’s alright. Please come in.”
Leila followed the woman into the living room where they both nervously sat, unsure of what exactly to say.
“You mentioned on the phone that Justin had been seeing you for counseling?”
“Yes, for a little over a month. He seemed to be making a lot of progress. Until. . well.” Things became even more awkward and Leila wondered if coming here was the right choice.
“I’m glad that he had someone to talk to. We all worried about him so, but there was nothing we could do to help. And really, until you called, I wasn’t quite sure if he was alive or dead all this time.”
“I wish it would have been better news that I had to share with you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you.”
Mrs. Harless began to weep as she thought about her son. She excused herself momentarily leaving Leila alone in the living room. There were pictures of Justin as a child around the room. Leila got up and walked down the hallway to a small room that had the door open. Along all of the walls were pictures, framed articles, records, and other music memorabilia. As she looked closer, she saw only a faint resemblance to the young man. The Justin she knew looked far more aged and burdened. The pictures portrayed a light-hearted young man with the world at his fingertips. As she skimmed some of the articles, she realized that she didn’t really know Justin at all. There were so many things that had gone unanswered with him, and for a brief moment, she saw the incredible person he used to be. The incredible person he could have been.
“Did he tell you about this life?” Her thoughts were interrupted as a man came walking into the room.
“Parts of it. Not nearly enough though.”
“I don’t suppose he would. I think he was trying to forget us.” Sadness covered his face as he too looked around at the pictures. “I’m JC. And I’m guessing you’re probably Leila.”
“Good guess,” she half smiled.
“This is hard for his mom to take. She doesn’t really want to deal with it all. At least with him being away for so long she could keep that glimmer of hope that he was still alive. And one day he would come back and everything would be okay.” He stared blankly at an old picture, gently tracing his friend’s face with his finger. “He told me that he wouldn’t be gone forever, just for now. Funny how now turned into forever.”
“I don’t know what to say, JC. He didn’t know how to deal. And I just couldn’t help him enough. I keep thinking maybe there was one thing I could have done or said to make it all turn around for him. I practically drive myself crazy thinking of how things could have been. How they should have been.”
As she looked up with tears in her eyes, she saw JC’s tear-soaked face staring back. “I don’t think there is anything anybody could have done. Lord knows, we tried.” He began to walk back out to the living with Leila not far behind.
The funeral was the following morning. It was a cool, clear day and the cemetery was filled with hundreds of people. Leila looked around and noticed a few familiar faces-- faces from the pictures she had seen. It seemed as if everyone was silently crying as the casket was lowered into the ground. A beautiful life had been cut short, and no one knew why or how they had ended up in this situation. It was hard for Leila to be there, she felt so out of place. She had known a part of Justin that no one else could see or touch. His friends, family, everyone was looking for an answer that she didn’t have.
As the graveside service ended, Leila walked over to the lowered coffin and spoke softly. “Goodbye.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out the picture of him she had been carrying with her. With one last glance, she dropped it into the ground and walked away.
* * * * *
JC had flown to Seattle to get Justin’s things from his apartment. The furniture was sold, leaving only a box full of miscellaneous things. Leila could have easily sent the things to Justin’s mom, but JC had a great need to see where Justin had been. He needed to feel close to him one last time.
She wasn’t expecting to see him again, but there he stood smiling at her front door. “JC. Please, come in.”
“I can’t, really. My plane leaves in an hour. I just wanted to drop this off.” He handed her a large manila envelope with her name scrawled across it. “Something he left for you.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t know. I just found it when I was packing his stuff up.”
“Thanks,” she said reluctantly.
“Take care of yourself.” He smiled genuinely.
“Are you sure you won’t come in for a minute?” Her eyes were still fixated on the package.
“I’m sure.” And with that he was gone almost as quickly as he had appeared.
Her heart was beating furiously, not exactly sure what to expect. As she opened the envelope, she found a dirty, paint-covered book. She flipped through the pages, quickly realizing what she held. Justin’s journal. Some of the pages were neatly written, others were nothing but scribbles and profanity. A page was marked with a piece of ribbon. It was the next to last entry in the book-- dated the night before.
I don’t pretend to know why I do these things. I’ve convinced myself they’re for a certain reason, but I don’t really know. I know I’ve succeeded in hurting her. And I’ve done it for my own selfish reasons. I have to keep her out, keep her away. I don’t like the man I’ve become. In fact, I don’t even recognize myself. I should have died in that box last winter. I wish they had killed me.
I don’t think she’ll understand. At least not right away. She just couldn’t help me. I couldn’t even help myself. I don’t want her pity. I want her to look at me like she always has. Those comforting eyes -- she didn’t deserve this.
As she flipped the page, she noticed there was no date on it. Only three words. I’m sorry, love.
With a heavy sigh, she closed the book and set it on the table next to her. The rain began to quickly fall outside. She watched as the drops drenched the isolated streets below. They continued to fall the rest of the night, leaving Leila strangely at ease. She thought perhaps the angels were crying for him. Crying for his tortured soul.
