The rest of the week went by and she didn’t see Justin. She wondered if things would work out, or if she would even see him again. Her thoughts were answered as she walked to her car. The young man sat on the hood smiling. No words were exchanged as they drove to his apartment. They seemed content just being near each other in the comfortable silence. This time, there was no doubt in Leila’s mind. She wanted to be here, to be with him. Nothing else mattered and the world seemed to fall away every time she looked in his eyes. He opened a bottle of wine and poured her a glass. The night didn’t have to be rushed this time, everything would be right. Several glasses later, Leila had no cares in the world. She straddled Justin and began to kiss him passionately, but he immediately picked her up and flipped her on her back.
“Do you trust me?”
“Sure,” she said only half-heartedly.
“No, do you trust me.” He was serious, this was something he needed to know.
“Yes, of course.”
“Put your arms above your head and close your eyes.” Leila did as he said, unsure of anything except that the room was slightly spinning. Justin reached under the bed and grabbed something. He began to put it over her eyes when she started to sit up.
“What’s going on?” The puzzled look on her face began to upset him.
“You trust me, right? Close your eyes.”
She closed her eyes once again and he tied the scarf around her head. She was slightly concerned now about not being able to see, but concern turned to fear when she felt the handcuffs fasten around her wrists.
“Justin, I don’t think we should do this.”
She began to pull at her arms, somehow trying to free them.
“Shhh.” He put his finger up to her mouth. “You have to trust me.”
Her body slightly relaxed, but an overwhelming feeling of vulnerability pervaded. Not only was she now blind, she was also paralyzed. She was completely at his mercy. Her uneasiness continued to loom with his every move. Then she began to hear her clothes ripping. He used a small knife to cut her blouse to shreds then proceeded with her bra. he removed her pants and underwear, leaving her completely exposed to him. For a moment, he didn’t move at all, just studied every inch of her. This is what I’ve been waiting for. He sat back down next to her and slowly began to run the blade along her stomach, not quite piercing the skin. She tried to pull away from it, squirming beneath it.
“Justin, please . .”
The sound of her voice almost sounded like it was pleading for him to cut her, but he put it away. As he removed his own clothes, he smiled to himself; a triumphant smile and she was his prize. Goosebumps began to form on her body. Whether they were from the cold or excitement, Justin didn’t care. They merely increased his desire for her. He lay slowly on top of her; he was in no rush. Kisses covered her body causing her to moan in delight. But the kisses soon turned to biting, and she felt herself becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. Before she could say anything, he entered her forcefully. She moaned not in sensuality this time, but distress. His thrusts increased and she began to cry silently.
“Justin. . .please. . . ”
This was not like the first night they shared. He had been so gentle and sweet. Now he was rough and cold. Her pleas went unheard, or at least unacknowledged. This wasn’t pleasure, this was pain. As his thrusts slowed, she knew it was almost over. He fell to her side breathing heavily. Leila lay quietly, still reeling from what just happened. Finally, Justin reached up and unlocked the handcuffs. He untied the scarf and pulled it away from her eyes. Tears were still forming in her eyes as she stared at him in bewilderment. He kissed one of the tears that streamed down her check and wrapped her in his arms.
“I’m sorry.” Nothing else was said as they began to fall asleep. Leila’s thoughts were filled with confusion as Justin held her tightly as if she might slip away.
An inexplicable sound woke her from the sleep. As she sat up, she realized Justin was no longer in bed with her. Rather, he was sitting across the room on the floor. “Justin?” He didn’t answer. Walking closer to him, she realized that he was whispering something and he slowly rocked back and forth. She knelt down next to him with the sheet wrapped around herself. He appeared to be in a daze, whispering the same thing over and over to no one in particular.
“Don’t hurt me, please, don’t hurt me. Nobody knows.” Leila stared at him as he continued this without even noticing her next to him.
She gently touched his cheek as she spoke, “Justin, it’s Leila. Can you hear me?” He stopped rocking and looked up at her. Their eyes met and he began to sob. She wrapped her arms around him trying to comfort him.
“It’s okay, what happened?” She was confused, everything seemed alright before.
“Can’t you hear them whispering? All the whispers in the dark?”
“What whispers, Justin? It’s just you and me here.”
“They’ll hurt me. They did it before and they’ll come again.”
“No, Justin. They’re in jail. They can’t hurt you.”
“They hurt me deep. Things happened. Things like that don’t happen to guys. No. It wasn’t supposed to happen. They hurt me enough.” Leila’s confusion grew at each word he spoke. She just held him close, running her fingers through his hair. Somehow she managed to get him to his feet and they walked back to the bed. He continued to cry in her arms mumbling incoherently until he fell asleep. Leila’s mind raced and she had trouble falling back to sleep.
She awoke once again to find Justin missing from the bed. But this time he was nowhere to be found. It was still dark outside and as she looked at her watch she realized it was barely past five. Nearly an hour passed before Justin finally came back to the apartment.
“Where have you been? I was worried when I woke up and you weren’t here.”
He smiled. She worries a lot about me. “I just went up to the roof. It’s so quiet up there at night.” Justin wandered around, pretending he had things to do in order to avoid really talking to Leila. She stood up and placed herself in his path so he would have to stop, at least momentarily.
“I want to talk.”
“Then talk, I’m all ears.” He walked around her and towards his box of paints.
“I know what happened to you. You can talk to me.”
He squeezed paints out onto his palette carelessly. “We already talked, that’s all over with.”
“They raped you, didn’t they?”
Justin stopped at the word. Rape. He couldn’t stand to hear her say it, let alone admit it to himself. His body didn’t move at all as he stood there staring at the wall.
“It wasn’t your fault, Justin.”
He reached down and grabbed another tube of paint, trying to shrug her comments off. Slowly, she walked over to him. She placed her hand on his arm in comfort but he pulled away.
“You could have told me before in our sessions. All I want is to help you.” Justin dropped his palette and sunk to the floor. He began to sob immediately.
“It wasn’t supposed to happen. I didn’t want that. I. . .” His cries became louder and his body shook wildly.
“I know, I know.” The soft voice began to quiet him down. Several minutes later he sat back up and wiped his face. She waited for him to say something -- anything. But he just stared down at the floor.
“I want you to meet with a colleague of mine. He can really help you.”
Justin stood up and started to walk away. “I don’t need anyone. I have you. You are helping me.”
“But I can’t give you the help you need. I’m too close--”
“I said NO. You can help me,” he shouted. He grabbed a coat and stormed out the door. Leila put on her pants and jacket, leaving her shredded blouse on the floor. She knew he needed some time to himself. This was something she hadn’t expected at all. And neither had he.
A week had gone by and she hadn’t seen or heard from Justin. Several times she had gone to his apartment, but he either didn’t answer or wasn’t home. This time she knew she had pushed too hard. She feared that she’d even pushed him completely away. She was thankful to have Gigi around. She was staying at Leila’s apartment for a short while because her and Deryk had once again broken up. But nothing put Leila’s mind at ease. Eventually, she needed to see him.
When she walked into the office that Monday morning, she saw two men waiting for her. She looked at Kristeen perplexed, but she was just as confused. Immediately, she recognized one of the men, but the other looked completely unfamiliar.
“Dr. Montgomery? I wasn’t aware that we had a meeting this morning.”
“We don’t, Leila. This is Dr. Fuller from the state board. We need to talk.”
They know. But how? Somehow they knew and Leila’s heart sank. She certainly couldn’t deny it. Lying was never much of an option for her. They explained it all to her, even quoting the particular ethics code. But she already knew. She had known even before she broke the code. No personal involvement with a client. No sexual relations. You must remain professional. Leila’s head spun as she realized the moment she most feared was now upon her. They finally left and Kristeen ran in to see what had happened. Leila buried her face in her hands and cried. Where do I go from here? Later, she wrapped her degrees in newspaper, placing them gently into a box. Was it really worth it? Was he worth it? A small part of her believed he was.
