Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

Hello, welcome to Part 4 to my short story collection.

It's been quite awhile since I've written about what's happened in our life, but let me assure you, alot has happened in the past year.

Let me start off by saying that the past year has been the hardest year of my entire life. I'll get to that in a moment, but I just want to once again thank those who take time to read about our lives and our trials and tribulations. Not every love story has 100% happy go lucky times, this I know for a fact. So, let me try to start off where I last left off.

As you know, I got my permanent residence in October of 2003. I then got my Social Insurance card and Permanent residence card in January of '04. So, I was finally done with all of the immigration papers and all of that. I was ready to settle into to Canada and start my life with my beautiful wife, Yvette. :-)

January '04 rolled around, about the time of my 26th birthday, We were at Bingo celebrating my birthday... as you know, I'm a big time Bingo fanatic. I didn't win on that day, but I won because my wife gave me a great birthday, as she always does. Well, in mid-January I started having some health issues come up. I started getting pains in my right side of my abdoment. I went to the hospital and I was checked by a CT scan for possible kidney stones. Everything came back okay and I was told I should get an ultrasound done on my liver. I was told my spleen was slightly enlarged and I had fatty liver, which is to be expected, since I am overweight. I started getting more vague symptoms of weakness, fatigue and constipation. I went back to the hospital because I thought for sure something was wrong with my kidneys. They X-rayed my chest and abdomen and said I was fine. They prescribed me with a drug called Ativan, which is a tranquillizer, basically for anxiety. That was the biggest mistake of my life taking that drug. It is in the benzodiazepam family, such as Valium, Xanax, etc. I took that for a good month, but was still having problems with upset stomach, constipation and weird pains in my abdomen. I was prescribed with Naproxen (Aleve in the states) and that helped some of my pains. I was on that and Ativan for about 2 months...

I then started getting even more weird symptoms after my Ativan prescription ran out. I got this tight band feeling around my head and it felt like my head was being pressed into a vice. I was also getting weakness and extreme wooziness. I went back to the hospital and had another chest x-ray and blood tests. Nothing showed up again and was prescribed with Ativan... again. So, I took it and the pains went away about a week later. I still had my extreme constipation, so I figured the Naproxen was causing those woes. I stopped Naproxen and my bowel movements got a little bit better. However, I then started getting blood in my stool... I was convinced I had developed colon cancer. At that time, I had been on Ativan for about 4 months. I went to my family doctor and he ran blood tests for diabetes, thyroid, kidney and liver function tests, anemia, etc... had a full physical. All tests came back negative... again. I was still convinced I had colon cancer, because I started looking up my symptoms online. That was my biggest mistake ever... looking up symptoms and trying to diagnose myself was the biggest no-no I should have never of done. Not only did I scare myself more, I took more and more unnecessary tests. My doctor said okay, if you want reassurance, I'll give you a barium enema. Which basically means you drink alot of this liquid that cleanses out your colon and then you get a tube stuck up your rectum and white liquid is released into your intestines. I had that done and the tests were inconclusive, but showed no signs of cancer or diseases of the intestines. Finally, I was convinced I didn't have colon cancer. This was around May of '04. After the enema, I was getting more and more odd symptoms. I then developed numbness and tingling in my face, some in my arms and legs and also started getting muscle twitches all over my body, 24 hours a day. I did some studying on the internet, then I was sure I had ALS, which is Lou Gehrig's disease... This happened at the end of June... I started getting very sad and depressed. I went to see a neurologist a few weeks later. He did the standard neurological tests and he said nothing neurological could be found according to him. He scheduled me for an EEG and an EMG. During the time waiting for those tests, I would lay on the couch in the living room of our 2 bedroom apartment and cry almost 24 hours a day... I was convinced that I was dying. ALS is a muscle deteriation disease, which means emminent death in 1-5 years. I felt helpless, I felt my life flashing before my very eyes. Here I was, 26 years of age, thinking my life was over. I would keep my wife up day and night by my crying and I would even tell her I was dying and that there was no hope. I hurt my wife more than ever by saying all of those mean things. I can't believe I hurt her so much, but I had become a vegetable... I then developed floaters in my eyes, I developed cracking in my Jaw (TMJ), popping in my ears everytime I swallowed or talked. Muscle twitches were still everywhere... my joints started cracking and I was getting real bad joint and muscular pain. I was in misery and was suffering like you couldn't imagine. I thought my life was over....

Rough times indeed were ahead for me and my wife. I finally had my EEG done, which checked for any abnormalities in my brain... came back 100% negative. In between May and September of '04, I had visited the emergency room of the hospital a good 40 times, no jokes. I was desperate for answers, I wanted to know what I had, I wanted to know if I could be cured of this undiagnosed disease I had. All of the doctors were perplexed by my symptoms, saying it didn't medically make sense or my symptoms didn't fall into any disease category. I then started having swallowing problems, excessive drooling, every symptom of ALS was there. Well, my wife told me for 2 months that i didn't have ALS. I didn't believe her. I took an EMG test, which is a nerve conduction and muscle study tests, to check for any nueromuscular diseases. Of course, that proved negative and all nuerological disease had been ruled out. I was at a loss for words. i didn't know what to do. I fruitlessly went to hospital after hospital, doctor after doctor, looking for answers to my symptoms. I was convinced I had either some type of cancer, or some deadly disease neurological or some type of arthritis. I couldn't find any answers to my symptoms and I was depressed... massively. I even got to the point where I almost killed myself. I had a knife to my wrist for 30 minutes, actually contemplating killing myself, because I figured I was dying anyway, why not end the suffering now. But no, I thought about my wife and what that would do to her. I loved her too much to give up like that. So, from the end of June, until mid September, I'd sit on the couch and blanklessly stare off into space and never move, only to use the restroom or take a shower. I let my health fail. I wouldn't eat much or drink much... I started getting dehydrated... I was still on Ativan during this whole ordeal, also on Motrin for the pain.

It wasn't until mid-September that I got some anti-depressants. My doctor prescribed me with Elavil, which is good for muscular pain and is for depression. It saved my life. I started being happy again, I got off the couch and went for mile long walks... I started enjoying time with my wife again... But, I was still scared in the back of my mind that I was dying... I would look up symptoms on the internet and try to come up with a disease for my symptoms. I came up with ALS, colon cancer, stomach cancer, throat cancer, lymphoma, Aids, Rheumotoid arthritis, Oestoperosis, Muscular Dystrophy, you name it, I thought I had it. I have had over 30 X-rays, EMG, EEG, Barium Enema, Barium Swallow, 50 blood tests, neurological examinations, arthritis examinations, psychological examinations, tested for bone, blood cancer, every cancer there is, had 2 ultrasounds... I've never ONCE had anything come back positive. The only diagnosis I've had was anxiety, depression and I did have a hiatal hernia, which is when your stomach pertrudes into your diaphragm... however, it isn't a disease... millions of people have that condition.

So, for 8-9 months, I went through the weirdest and most suffering moments of my life, for both me and my wife. I hurt her so much by saying I was dying everyday... I know now how much I hurt her and I'll never forgive myself. She told me I wasn't dying of some undiagnosed disease and she was right. I found a forum for benzodiazepams, which is a group of people for support for people taking prescriptions of those... I had been on Ativan since March... come to find out, I was experiencing tolerance withdrawal symptoms from Ativan, because it affects your entire central nervous system and your brain. basically, I was poisoning myself for almost a year and didn't know it. My symptoms were because of a drug that I had become dependant on, was causing my hell. Well, as of October 13th, I have been tapering off of the Ativan using a method called the Ashton method. I take Valium in substitution of the Ativan and slowly taper off of it over a year period. Since I started on the Valium and started tapering, alot of my symptoms melted away. So, now, I'm in recovery from a drug that destroyed my life and nearly cost me my life from making me suicidal. My advice to anyone reading, NEVER and I mean NEVER take drugs in the benzodiazepam family. That consists of Valium, Xanax, Ativan, Klonozepam, etc... It will RUIN YOUR LIFE, LIKE IT DID MINE FOR SO LONG!! One thing i realize more than ever now is that...

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If not for the support of my wife, whom is my soulmate, best friend, lover and my life and the support of the forum I'm going to, I don't think i could have made it as far as I did. I'm still going through rough times, financially and physcially, but mentally, I know I will make it and I will beat this benzo hell I've been. I wasted almost 4 months on the couch feeling sorry for myself and giving up hope. A mistake I'll never make again. To my wife, I love you with all of my heart and soul... Thank you for making me a stronger person today. I owe you my life and give my life and love to you. It is now November 12th, 2004 as I write this. I have made it through a hellacious year, as has my wife... But I know, in the long run, me and my wife will still live happily ever after...

To be continued...

Click Here To get back to the main page!