Wrestling - Samkir Pfonektil of Ethiopia
This week more tapes! I beg the Smartass people, I BEG I say "Please be sending me food and not tapes of this 'wrestling!'" But they do not listen! After eating the man and woman that brought us rice and water two weeks ago, no one has come! Dilkna has resorted to drinking other peoples urine! And now! Now he hoards the pee and sells it to the highest bedder! But the only ones with money are people not of this village, Japanese businessmen.They buy the urine and we give them the tapes of the wrestling as an added bonus. The Japanese say that urine is a delicacy! I cannot understand why they pay us with this paper with numbers on it and not food! We try to boil the paper and eat it but it just makes me gag! Oh how I wish wrestling was English for "food!" But...it is not food. My belly full of air has expanded greatly from all of the imaginary meals I eat! This desert we live in supplies us with nothing but sand. And as I discovered last month, sand does not taste good, even when it is mixed with water! Oh how I am hungry!
TV the week in review - Mr T. and Sloth
Mr. T: OK suckas! Time to see whats on this week on TV! We gonna start wit Monday, fool!
Sloth: Mon-DAY!
Mr. T: What?! Whatchu talkin bout sucka?! I ain't got no time for the jibba jabba! Monday got nuthin on I wanna watch! Unless it's Nick at night, sucka, they play A-Team on there all the time! ALL THE TIME!
Sloth: All the time! All the time!
Mr. T: Shutup fool! Here, have a Baby Ruth sucka! Tuesday got on some stuff, 24, Vampire Vixen and Smallville! Suckas a repeat! Smallville is new fool! I think that sucka show Ed on too, but T don't know, an T don't care! I pity the fool who don't eat my cereal! I mean watch Tuesdays picks sucka!
Sloth: Baby Ruth! Baby Ruth! Me Sloth love T!
Mr.T: What? Get outta here fool! I don't truck wit no sissys! Unless dey watchin Drew Carrey Show on Wednesday!That sucka know how to entertain! That show an Temptation Island! Sucka, that almost made T's show of the week, but not quiet! It's almost as good as D.C. Cab or Penitentary 2! I don't know what else is on sucka, try watchin sum A-Team re-runs on Nick at Night! You quiet over there sucka! What's wrong?
Sloth: HEY YOU GUUUUUUYYYYYYYSSSS!
Mr.T: Whatchu tryin ta say sucka! Man I shouldn't ask you nuttin fool!
Thursday got new episodes a Friends an ER an whateva else is Must See
TV, you ask me sucka, ain't nuthin as good as A-Team reruns! Friday got
Police Videos on FOX, are as I like to call em, chasin fools wit cop cars,
sucka! Norm and A-Team reruns are the way to go after that!
Sloth: Fool! Sucka! Jive Turkey!
Mr.T: Man sucka, you
got to slow yo roll! I ain't playin know more, I pity the fool who don't
listen ta T!
Saturday got nuthin on I wanna watch what bout you Sloth?
Sloth: Cops!
Mr.T: Alright sucka, calm down fool. Saturday got Cops on. An then A-Team repeats! Did you call me Jive Turkey before? Sucka I better not catch you dissin T! You ain't tryin to get T on a plane are you, sucka?! Better not bemessin with me, I pity the fool!
Sloth: No.
Mr.T: That's what
I thought fool! Sunday got new Simpsons, Malcom in the Middle, an Oz!
It's a
cornucopia a new shows fo yo enjoyment fool! That brings us to T's Show
a the week! An that show is HBO's Oz! A great prison show, but not as
great as my movie Penitentiary 2! Sucka, you got anything else to add
fool?
Sloth: Me Sloth, love T!
Mr.T: Man, sucka! quiet!
Music Review of the Week - By Louis Frink
I had a lot of trouble this
week thinking about what could be the music of the week. Due to lack of
funds, this
poor college kid turned to the only place he could: KAZAA! and as we all
know from last weeks message of the week: GOD BLESS KAZAA! Because when
in doubt, download it out! Or something. And that's just what I did. The
album review this week is actually random song review. So without further
delay, here is the list of songs I downloaded from Kazaa and how good
they are. As for albums, Kazaa is going to help me out until I figure
out a way for record companies to send me freebies. I use a scale of one
to five wet, nasty, smelly, dirty farts.
Blink 182 - Overboard - There were many different versions of this song
for some reason but the one on the album is the one I went for. I wouldn't
buy the album cause it's all live shit cept for the new song they released
to make money. The song itself was song of the week last week so you know
its going to get a good review. 4 farts
Stone Sour -Bother - No matter what I tried and who I went to, all I got
was the crap, crap, crapiest version of this song! It was all echo-y and
junk. The song would be good if it weren't for what I downloaded. 2 1/2
farts
Phantom Planet - Anthem - Good song, no one really listens to this band.
4 1/2 farts
Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna take It - A classic! I mean since I'm
downloading from Kazaa I can pretty much get whatever I want, it doean't
ALL have to be current! And this is THE epitomy of 80's rock! Based on
pure sentimental value this song would get 5 farts but it's not so...
2 farts
Barry White - Can't Get Enough of Your Love Babe - Hey anything by this
guy is gonna get you some action, if it works out I'll let you know. This
score is all based on that theory. If I get some 10 farts, if I don't
1 measly lonesome fart.
Turning Blue - Afterglow
- A very, very good band, one of my favorites, EVERY song of theirs is
catchy, this one seems to be my favorite though. 5 farts Check em out
here, they really are worth a
listen to!
Sports - Lester Wilkins
Now I am in a bitter
divorce trial. My wife is going to get everything. I have taken to drinking
heavily and betting on horses. God I love odds. So here are the odds of
the week in the game I like to call my life:
Odds my wife will get everything - Even
Odds my wife will get the kids - Even
Odds I will be living in a one room apartment after the trial - Even
Odds I will be paying allimony and child support out the ass for the next
14 years while that witch gets to go everywhere she wants, do anyone she
wants, and gets to laugh in my face about this whole ordeal - Even
Odds I will end up a bitter and defeated old man - 5 to 2
Odds impotence will take hold within the next 10 years - 10 to 1
Odds I will get married again after this settlement - fuck that shit man,
bout a billion to 1! Sheeeeit!
Odds Smartass Entertainment is going to fire me within the next week -
Muther fucka BETTER not fire my ass! I'm liable to do somethin drastic
then! (Editor's note- Due to Lester's vehiment claims of what would happen
if we fired him, let me reassure him and you the reader that he is going
nowhere) Damn right bitch!
Odds I will rob a liquer store if Smartass Entertainment fires me -2 to
1
Odds I will rob a liquer store on my way to my motel room - Even
Beer of the Week
This weeks beer comes to us from Miller! Goes down easy, comes up smooth! The variety of Miller selected here this week is Miller Lite, as no one here likes MGD AT ALL! You, kind reader, might but we don't, so just insert MGD in the place of Miller Lite and there you go, you have yourself your very own beer of the week. As an added bonus, we here are giving you a ten dollar coupon (Not an actual coupon, invalid) off your next purchase of beer. This coupon (Not an actual coupon, invalid) is actually a picture of me my little 4 year old cousin Sammy drew for me after he saw me come home late one night drunk and tell my parents "Don't you look at my wife that way!" after they asked me if I had a fun time out. The fact that I'm not married and don't have a girlfriend adds to the conundrum of that statement (From what I heard the next day and was able to piece together, I did indeed have a fun time that night).
