Special Valentine's Day Issue
Wrestling - Samkir Pfonektil of Ethiopia
Cannot...go on...five
week since I eat...so weak...cannot be speaking in correct English. Smartass
people send wrestling tape...big sweaty men in tights having simulated
sex with each other...what is the appeal of this when I am starving to
death! Must conserve strength...must live so that I may come to America
and kill the Smartass people for tricking me into thinking wrestling is
food...so hungry...so, so hungry...cannot go on...so sleepy...Vengance
is mine...
The Smartass Contest! Do you want to see Samkir Pfonktil of Ethiopia live
or die? Send your response here with "Live" or "Die"
in the subject line and the results will be given in two weeks!
Movie of the week in review - Mr T. and The Fonz
Mr. T: Sucka, I know we usually do TV reviews but Fonz and me cought Hannibal this weekend. I think that me and him should review that instead fool!
Fonz: Correctamundo T! Aaaaayyyyyy!
Mr.T: I did not like this movie fool! Sucka Hannibal in this movie is not that same Hannibal I used to truck with! This Hannibal eatin people! The Hannibal I knew didn't eat people sucka!
Fonz: I liked the movie T. Here's why, it was cool, just like me. Aaaaayyyyyy! But while I was watching it I started thinking; Who would I eat if I was a cannibal?
Mr. T: You too? I thought I was the only one sucka! Well since we got what we thought of the movie out of the way, let's talk about who we would eat if we were cannibals.
Fonz: Good idea T! I'd eat Carrot Top. There's enough meat on him for just an apetizer I think.
Mr.T: True, but I would start with Drew Barrymore. She's a suculant sucka I think I would love to start with. Her or Anna Nicole Smith. They both would probably be a nice mouth watering appetizer for T to start with!
Fonz: For the main course...let me think, why don't you start T?
Mr.T: Thanks sucka, My main course would be Louie Anderson. That sucka probably has the most succulant meat on his bones that would melt in your mouth like filet minon! And I gots a big appetite, I think I would save the rest for a midnight snack fool!
Fonz: Good choice T! Aaaaayyyyyy! I got it! For dinner I would eat a baby. Maybe a famous persons baby like Madonna's...Think about it, I think they probably have the most tender meat like lamb. They just come out, haven't used their muscles yet so they aren't stringy or anything. A baby is who I would eat. Aaaaayyyy!
Mr.T: Can I change my vote then? I like your idea better sucka!
Fonz: For desert I'd
go with Cindy Crawford or Elle Macpherson. I would love to eat them for
desert.
If you know what I mean AND I think you do!
Mr T: Heh heh! T hears that sucka! T would eat Pam Grier or Halle Berry! Mmmmm-mmmm good! Fool!
Fonz: I saw in a movie that if you eat someone you get their power and might. Maybe I would eat Arnold Schwartzenegger then. But he would probably be too tough, body builders would have tough, tough muscles, are they could be very stringy. I wouldn't mind as long as I got stronger off it though. Maybe Jean Claude Van Damn but his ass is probably like eating bone. It looks that hard! Not that I was lookin or anything...
Mr.T: T hear that...T hears that, but T don't need to get any stronger fool! T would probably eat a vegetarian because they are always eat fresh fruits and vegetables. And T hears their always cleaning their colons so thats a plus. T don't eat no feces! Plus, vegetarians are all sucka jive turkey wussies! Someone who don't eat no meat is someone who deserve to be eaten! Or better yet, I would eat Gene Siskel.
Fonz: Aaaayyyyy! T! But he's dead! That's gotta be rancid meat by now!
Mr. T: No way Fonzie! That sucka's probably aged to perfection like a fine wine! Mr. T pities the fool who thinks dead humans go rancid instead of aging nicely in the ground!
Fonz: Aaaaayyyy! T you're probably right! And I'm not one for arguing cause I like to think that you're correctamundo! That's it for this week's review of Hannibal. Come back next week for more out of site reviewing! Aaaayyyy!
Music Review of the Week - By Louis Frink
This week's music that I downloaded
from Kazaa doesn't really have much of a Valentine's theme but I will
try to make them out to seem like they do.
Bloodhound Gang - The Ballad of Chasey Lane - An ode to porn star Chasey
Lane and the closet thing to a Valentine's song that I downloaded. It
concerns one young man's yernings to meet and fornicate with the object
of his desire; Chasey Lane. It's evident how much he wants to meet her
as he introducers her to his parents in the song and says in a very catch
phrasey way "Now show em them titties." It's obvious that he
loves this woman enough to let her meet his parents. 4 out of 5 farts.OK,
OK I might as well stop this and just look through what I have already
downloaded from Napster. Onto Louis Frink's sappy songs!
Lionel Richie - Hello - I used to sing this song to beer as the difinitive
love song to the brew I was drinking, I realize it's geared more toward
a woman and may seem sappy now, but get a girl alone and play this and
watch out! The floodgates open!
Barry White - Can't Get Enough of Your Love Babe - I wrote about Barry
White a little bit back and let me tell you something, play him and you're
GOLDEN! Him, Teddy Pendegrass, Luther Vandross, or Marvin Gaye and you
are in like Flynn! Just watch out for crooners like Keith Sweat and the
like. Beware of those imposters. There is no substituing for the greatness
that is the singers listed above! I mean really, Keith Sweat?! 5 out of
5 farts
KISS - God Gave Rock and Roll to You - I know this isn't a love song but
it's very passionate about how God gave rock and roll to you. 3 out of
5 farts
Hootie and the Blowfish - I hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You -
A very beautiful song that I only found on a bootleg CD and when they
sang it on MTV Unplugged a few years back. Napster will have it for sure.
They didn't write the song, they just sing it, it sounds like every other
song they've ever madeBUT it's very good. 3 out of 5 farts
Neil Diamond - Sweet Caroline - It may not get you some but everyone at
a college knows this song and sings it at karaoke drunk. I know I did.
The girls REALLY respond to this song though, and if you haveenough personality
like me, you might just make a few more female friends before the night
is done...wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, SAY NO MORE!
"VALENTINES DAY"
HEARTS AND ROSES AND
KISSES GALORE...
WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THAT SHIT FOR?
PEOPLE GET MUSHY AND START ACTING QUEER
IT IS DEFINITELY THE MOST ANNOYING DAY OF THE YEAR
THIS DAY NEEDS TO GET THE HELL OVER WITH AND PASS
BEFORE I SHOVE A DOZEN ROSES UP CUPID'S ASS
I'LL SPEND THE DAY SO DRUNK I CAN'T SPEAK
AND WEAR ALL BLACK FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK
GUYS ACT ALL SWEET, BUT IT SOON WILL FADE
FOR ALL THEY ARE DOING IS TRYING TO GET LAID
THE ARROW CUPID SHOT AT ME MUST NOT HAVE HIT
BECAUSE I THINK LOVE IS A CROCK OF SHIT
SO HERE'S MY STORY... WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY?
LOVE BITES MY ASS...FUCK VALENTINES DAY!
-Anonymous
Top DVD's
A
new feature here at Smartass Entertainment! is DVD's. Here now is our
nomminations for top honors ofValentine's Day DVD's. If you don't agree,
send in your nominations and why you think your choice should be included
here with "Attn: Top DVD" in the header. These titles are tentative
and will change depending on how many people submit suggestions
01. ANY chick flick that guys HAVE to go see because their girlfriend
nags them enough will just about
cover this.
02. There is no number two. There is nothing after numer one for that
matter. Didn't you read above?
03. Faces of Death 1-3, the rest suck
04. Nightmare on Elm Street
05. Tron
06. The Muppet Movie
07. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
08. Friday the 13th
09. Halloween (oops, wrong Holiday)
10. The Shinning
11. Debbie Does Dallas
12. We are still talking about Valentine's Day movies you realize?
13. Army of Darkness
14. Pokemon The Movie
15. Refer Madness
16. Silence of the Lambs
17. Star Wars
18. Robocop
19. Snatch (in name alone)
20. Deep Throat