Las Vegas- AP - Late yesterday professors at The University of Las Vegas reported the findings of a year long survey among people who play the game "Dungeons and Dragons." The report found that among those that played the game an astounding 96.8 percent were still considered to be "losers." Professor Ivankinoff of U.N.L.V reported that among the people still playing that over 80 percent still lived in their parents basement, were overweight and had no social life other than bragging about how powerful their dwarf or barbarian was. "It was amazing." said the professor. "These men would cringe at the site of a naked female body in front of them but if a poster of a three tailed flitterbick was put in front of them they could talk for hours on end about how to defeat the creature."
The study also found that besides knowing how to beat a dragon, they could also recite every word from the movie "The Beastmaster." The researchers are now looking into a correspondence between the two. When asked to comment on the findings, a man only wished to be know as "The Dungeonmaster" would say "Roll the 12 sided die and you may ask your question!" then proceeded to adjust his glasses.

Ithica, NY- In what has to be one of the strangest stories of the day, it appears that Rock Johnson's one remaining testicle has actually started to talk to him. "It told me it was lonely." Johnson stated. "I asked if it meant it was lonely for female companionship but it said no it missed my other testicle." Johnson lost his left testicle to a biopsy test last year. "I thought we were finally getting over the fact that I had only one testicle and then the one that's left drops this bombshell on me! I don't know what to do now." Johnson's remaining testicle could not be reached for comment.

Boise, Id - When a cute boy from the film "Jerry McGuire" exclaimed "Dogs and bees can smell fear." the audience roared with laughter its approval of the statement. But scientists now belive that there is much more to that statement than just a cute boy adding comic relief to a date movie. Doctor Joe "Buzz" Meeks held a press conference last Wednesday to explain the validity of the statement. "Well you know how cute the little boy sounded when he said that dogs and bees could smell fear, boy I loved that part. But what this evil super genious of a boy DIDN'T tell you was how real that sentiment was. You see, in experiments conducted with test rats, the rats could feel the fear given off of each other. We applied the knowledge of the fear smelling rats to dogs and bees. It made sense that because fear smelling rats could smell fear, that naturally only dogs and bees could as well." According to the doctor, there are 4 scents that are full of fear pheramones. The first level of fear gives off a piney scent, like you are in the forrest. This is released when you start to get nervous about something. The second scent released is the lemon-fresh scent and is given off when your nerves start to make you sweat and you get butterflies in your stomach. The third scent is perhaps the most enjoyable. It is Tommy Boy cologne and is given off when you are anxious, like when you are watching a scary movie in a theater and are waiting for that scary payoff. The last scent to be given off is the chicken smell. You smell like a rotissere chicken and this occurs when you are so scared that your body must pee itself and you have the sensation of "fight or flight." When asked, 9 out of 10 dogs and bees said they preferred the rotissere chicken smell but wouldn't give a reason.

NYC, NY - AP - A nun racing her way towards church Sunday morning ran through a red light and hit homeless derelect Gerald Wilkins, 29, of Queens, NY. Ironically enough, Wilkins was holding a sign high in the air that read "Jesus Saves." According to eyewitness Lucy Butler "He (Wilkins) was holding that sign high in the air and yelling at the top of his lungs 'Jesus gonna save you, Jesus give you life, if I don't believe in God, then let him take me now!' And well, I guess he did. Right after those prohpetic words, WHAMMO with the car and then a splat sound and a crunch. Like a WHAMMO splat crunch, crunch, crunch,crunch...crunch sound. And it came from a nun too! I am definetly going to start going to church every Sunday from now on! I mean if that isn't a clear enough message to get into church and pray, I don't know what is!" The nun is not being held on any charges because Wilkins was a homeless vagabond and in the latest survey from U.N.L.V, homeless people are invisible to everyone around them and according to Prof. Ivankinoff, "No one really cares about them anyways."

Miami, Fl. - In a shocking discovery made by scientists in London, it was discovered late last week that overweight, gladularly challenged, or "fat" people as they are commonly referred to, love to eat food. Doctor Winthrop Jollyhazzablath of Liverpool said that "Fat people love to eat food, they love fried, fatty, greasy food as opposed to steamed foods. It is easier for them to go out and buy so called "fast foods"than to actually take the time and effort to cook a healthy meal at home. These fat people are the same ones that were found in a survey last month to not exercise at all and sit around as much as possible. The notion that these lardies, er fat people have some sort of glandular problem at the DNA level is pure pish posh, or wish wash if you are so inclined. You could equate the life of a fat person to the video game 'pac-man.' Pac-man would go around and eat up everything in front of him all the while avoiding the ghosts, or in this case, the healthy food around him. Only when a special pill was eaten, i.e. the deep fryer,were the healthy foods then devoured. So you see, accourding to this new study, fat people love food."