Munsie, In - AP - On December 29, 1999, Bob Higgens, a beloved husband and father of two had his funeral held at Our Lady of the Immaculate Conundrum. Many attending couldn't believe that Bob had really passed on, at the end of the service, Susanne Templeton summed up everyone's thoughts best when she whispered over to her husband Joel "He looks so lifelike!" Joel nodded his head in approval of the statement and like wildfire the onlookers around them could not help but agree and spread the sentiment on. Credited with this "dead-alive" look is Necro-make-up artist Christina Rumpf who, when learned of the statement given by Mrs.Templeton, pounded her fist in the air and exclaimed "YES! I am the greatest! I cannot be beat!" and then proceeded to shadow box herself and play air guitar. She could not be reached for further comment. When asked how she thought Mr. Higgens looked, the widow Higgens would only say "Dead...he looks dead."
Los Angelos, CA - I'm too sexy for my cat. Too sexy for my cat. Whatchu think about that? Not very much apparently because according to the latest Reuters poll an astounding 99.98% of the world hates Right Said Fred music and would in fact, do just about anything not to hear it anymore. The survey asked the question "Do you like Right Said Fred music?" The choices were "love them, like them, no opinion, loathe them, would kill someone to never hear their music again." The latter was the overwhelming choice. "Dude, that crap just sucks!" Said Alan Weatherbee, 29, of Venice Beach. "It's like, just so bad! You know? Personally I like Snow." But in another recent survey it was found that only 3.2% of the population liked him. And in what can only be described in the gay community as "irony of ironies," it was also found out that homosexuals hate Right Said Fred just as much as heterosexual people. "Honey, that music is utter bull! I wouldn't have sex to that music using your dick!" Lance Jones, 24, of San Fransisco said. He then added that he though Right Said Fred wasn't "Fly," "Whack," "Dope," "The Bomb," or "The shiznit!" The remaining .02% are believed to be those individuals high on "kitch," who, according to the newest Reuters poll, will also hate Right Said Fred within the next two to three months.
Holmdale, NJ - Glen Dandridge finally realized late last Sturday night that his combover "wasn't fooling anyone." and decided to take matters into his own hands by shaving his head and starting out fresh with a new look. "Well, the other night I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and said "My God, that is a horrible combover! I knew then and there that something drastic needed to be done." It took a little under half an hour to get the new look. "We're just glad he finally realized it on his own." said friend Seth Berney "I mean we've known for years but I'm just glad he's finally catching on. I think subconciously he knew (the combover) didn't work. For years, he would grow different facial features; a beard here, a goatee there, I think the last straw was the handlebar mustache. Nothing was taking away attention from that combover." "Yeah." agreed Dandridge's other friend Barry Martin. Added Dandridge later "Now I guess all I have to worry about is being called chromedome!"
Boca Raton, Fl - "John Swenson's dog did it again!" Yelled Mandy Smith to her husband earlier this morning. "That damn dog took a crap on our front yard again!" It seems since the Swenson's moved into the house next door some 5 years ago, their dog Mr. Butter has been sprinkling the Smith's front yard with droppings. "I don't know nuthin bout nuthin!" Is all John Swenson would say about the accusations made by Mandy Smith. "I know it's that dog Mr. Butter! I know it! I see him crapping every morning and every morning he looks over to me and smiles! That damn dog smiles at me while it's going to the bathroom! I think sometimes that it won't go duty on my front lawn unless I'm watching it, I think it gets off on me watching it poop!" The fetish of dogs wanting people to see them poop is called poopicuswhileyouwatchicus and is common among the animal kingdom. Monkeys prefer to have you see them excrete into their hands right before they throw it at you. Mandy is afraid to get photographic evidence of the dog pooping because as she says "That dog might like it too much! I mean not just me looking at him but me taking photos?! That's too much for me to handle. I guess I'll just have to keep cleaning it up while Mr. Swenson keeps denying that his dog has a problem. I mean, what else can I do?"
