John Cage
Exclusive to Smartass Entertainment
What comes to mind when one thinks of cheese? Well Kraft Foods is hoping sex, as a new ad campaign launched recently featuring the Marvin Gaye single “Let’s get it on” implies. The advertisement, featuring two pre-teens sharing lunch to the hit song seems to be part of a long drive towards associating sex with cheese. “It’s a fact that cheese, particularly cheddar has had no connection to sexual practice in the past”, says noted cheese expert Dr. Edmond Yeboah. “But that could change due to the sultry voice of Marvin Gaye”, Yeboah added prior to eating a slice of Swiss. Gaye could not be reached for comment, as he has been dead for sixteen years. Whether the commercials will lead to an increase in cheese sales, an upshot in pre-teen sexual activity or even an increase in pre-teen sexual activity with cheese has yet to be seen, yet it can be assured that cheese will now forever come to mind when one thinks of getting it on.
New Brunswick, Canada - AP - Late Friday night, Otto Mackenzie a 20 year old college student decided that the girl he was eyeing all night was "out of his league." Even the goading of his friends couldn't persuade Otto to talk to the girl. "I can't talk to her!" said Otto. "I mean, look at her, she is gorgeous and looks like a model, there's no way she'd ever go out with me! She is way out of my league. So I figured why even bother? I don't feel like getting shot down tonight." Making up excuses is nothing new to Otto. In third grade Otto was given two days detention after he told the teacher that his dog ate his homework. At the time, Otto had a cat and two goldfish, Shiny and Mr. Wiggletail. In senior year in high school he told his parents he was just holding a joint they had found for his friend Bobby. "Man, I can't believe he wused out, eh?" Said one of his bar friends, Jacob Goldstein. "He's such a hoser, eh?" Otto said he would press his luck next time and talk to the next girl he made eye contact with.
Muncie, In - Local housewife Gayle Merridew was spotted yesterday afternoon shopping for groceries at Shop and Stop supermarket. Her basket was full by the time the story was fully developing and she was in the checkout line. "Well, our family does need to eat." She said as she flipped through the National Enquirer. "As soon as I'm done with the shopping, I'll go pick up the kids from school and start cooking dinner." It is unknown as to whether this was her first trip to the supermarket, although it seemed that she was a seasoned pro. Gayle knew what each isle contained so, as she put it "could get through this madhouse as soon as possible!"
Wisconsin - "When you translate English to Japanese, and then back to English, it makes a funny English!" declared Joshua Tate yesterday. "It was like a brainstorm! After taking a break form watching Xena, I started translating English to Japanese, and then back again. Faster than you could say Xena naked, it was 7 hours later and everything was a funny weird English! What follows is an exerpt from Josh's new book "English to Japanese and back to English; A Funny English.""Throughout the year, firemonkey superman reigns terrible night, terrible night on coward paper. The fist of hatred runs fierce competition through feuding people monkey monkey monkey." More words of wisdom can be found when the book is released on Feb 4.
Next time you call someone an asshole, there may be more truth to the statement than you know. In a new study from U.N.L.V, it's been found that four out of five assholes are also considerred to be "dicks." Professor Ivankinoff, a noted professor of the University said that "people that are thought of as 'assholes' are thought to have the 'asshole bubble' surrounding them. This bubble creates a vortex around them and when in contact with another human being, they come of as being an asshole. Out of 100 assholes that were studied for 6 months, almost all of them were beaten up on a regular basis. This 'asshole bubble' would make the other person around them extremely uncomfortable and aggresive. 59 assholes suffered broken noses, 12 assholes had broken arms or legs, and an amazing 78% of the assholes were kicked in the genetalia as revenge for something previously said or done. But the most amazing fact of this is that after the asshole was knocked to the ground, 4 out of 5 attackers had called their victims 'dicks.'" As it stands now, U.N.L.V will study these assholes more to determine if anything can be done to remove the "asshole bubble" and the curse that comes with it.
