Special Valentine's Day Issue
AP - "Do the Fatass!" is now the battle cry of hundreds upon millions of citizens of the Earth. "The Fatass" is the new dance craze that has everyone from 2 to 200 excited about dancing again since The Macarena was around. Sports now play the Fatass song regularly, replacing Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2," "Who Let the Dogs Out?," and the "Charge!" theme. "The Fatass", written by Frank Weimar and Kevin McGuire is a techno/classical hybrid that shouts for everyone to "pretend you have a mack truck in your ass and do the splits and roll around like you're too fat to get up!" There is even a self appointed dance squad, The Fatass' that perform regularly at functions throughout the world. "Like, that dance is wicked hott! it's one wicked pissah of a time!" Said 19 year old Sheila Glenlarkin of Boston, Mass. "Not since "Pahk the Cah!" has their been such a wicked good song!" The song is expected to die out and go the way of the dinosaur within the next two weeks or so.
2) Try to get up.
NY, NY - As soon as it was released last week it hit number one. Number one with a bullet is a better analogy for it. But perhaps the best way to describe Joshua Tate's book sucess is, as the author himself puts it, "number one hot stuff purple monkey book power." That is "number one with a bullet" translated to Japanese from English and back to English from Japanese. The book shows no signs of slowing down accourding to the latest Reuters poll. "I am just pleased as punch that women are now recognizing me on the street." Said Tate from a phone interview at his home somewhere other then where I called from. "As a matter of fact, people in general are noticing me...they never did before this! I am just so psyched about everything that's happened! Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine thismuch success!" Tate says his plans for the next book are under wraps but he did give away the title, "English and Japanese Made Me Rich, Whose Laughing Now You Bastards!?
AP - Yesterday The Canadian Prime Minister declared Valentine's Day to be "Awesome!" Americans were reluctant to comment on the matter because like most of the world, they don't care about Canada. President George W. Bush added "Canada? That's near Alaska, right? They have funny accents there too, right? Let me just wax philosophicalization for a moment. Canada sucks. Thank you."
Wildwood, NJ - Smartass Entertainment has decided not to support its Beer of the Week this week due to what kind it was; Samual Adams. "That beer is ass!" declared one member of Smartass Entertainment who wished to remain unkown. While thinking about going with a more tasty beer, it was decided not to recycle beer that had already been Beers of the Week and just delete the segment altogether. Next week it is expected that the Beer of the Week will be back in its orginal spot among editorials and articles.